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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

First CMS payment, new partner wants most of it

297 replies

Hipp0campus · 13/02/2024 17:23

Getting a lump cms payment soon, first one for over 5 years!
Told DP of 7 years and hes asked for a majority of it, saying he needs to pay off debts as he's the only one with a CC and has kept me and DS supported for years ect.
I'm unwilling to help with the debts as our relationship is rocky and he constantly threatens to leave. I have had no say in the majority of things that went on the cc.
So
YABU help pay off a chunk of debts

YANBU You've waited 5 years for a payment from ex, don't give it to another man

OP posts:
NewYearNewCalendar · 13/02/2024 17:35

Is the credit card debt from clothing and feeding your child?

Assuming no: dump the arsehole boyfriend, use the money sensibly to support your child.

Slanabhaile · 13/02/2024 17:35

I wouldn't give him any as, like PP have said, it's for your child. Has he been paying for your child for all these years?

thedancingparrot · 13/02/2024 17:36

So if everything went on a cc there will be statements. If dodgy partner can show what he has spent supporting (food etc, not holidays etc) you both maybe contribute something.

But if, as I suspect, he is being a chancer a hard no & goodbye.

TwylaSands · 13/02/2024 17:36

Do youre not working snd the credit card debt is food and school uniforms?

csn you not work and use wrap around childcare instead? That was youre paying into a pension too.

ArrrMeHearties · 13/02/2024 17:37

Do not give him a penny of that money, it's for your child not him to get a free pass to clear his debt

Babymamamama · 13/02/2024 17:37

Why has he been supporting you for years? Sorry not trying to be rude. But doesn’t that go both ways?

Itslegitimatesalvage · 13/02/2024 17:37

So you’re a single income household and he supports your child together as well as the child from your ex? The CMS money needs to go into the joint pot. You’re on one one income so his money and benefit money is all joint and he has supported your child. You need to pay him back for that, and CMS will have to go into the joint pot as long as your child is getting everything he needs.

Original poster
Hipp0campus · 13/02/2024 17:37

Some of the cc debt will be from child related expenses, so it's not clear cut. He's been part of DS life since he was a baby and they're now 10

OP posts:
TwylaSands · 13/02/2024 17:37

Slanabhaile · 13/02/2024 17:35

I wouldn't give him any as, like PP have said, it's for your child. Has he been paying for your child for all these years?

If op isn't working, then yes he has.

WiIIoww · 13/02/2024 17:38

To be fair he has supported you for years, which he wouldn't have needed to do if you had that money. Surely it makes sense that at least some of this goes back to him, uniforms and food on credit cards etc?

Original poster
Hipp0campus · 13/02/2024 17:38

Only haven't been working the past 6 months, before then worked several different jobs with awkward hours so I could handle all school runs/ our DC has a lot of time off school as well so need to be available during the day

OP posts:
Itslegitimatesalvage · 13/02/2024 17:39

ArrrMeHearties · 13/02/2024 17:37

Do not give him a penny of that money, it's for your child not him to get a free pass to clear his debt

His debt? The debt is from their joint living costs, because he is supporting a household of 4 on one income.
So his money is for them all but hers is just hers and she won’t contribute to the debt they’ve built up as a household? No. Disgusting.

PutMyFootIn · 13/02/2024 17:39

I beg your pardon?

WiIIoww · 13/02/2024 17:39

Did he run the debt up in the last 6 months, supporting you all?

WildBear · 13/02/2024 17:41

If the relationship was stable I would, but as you have said it's rocky and he's threatened to leave l, then definitely not. Ring fence it for child expenses for the next X months or years and tell DP you won't be asking him for money for clothes etc for children

10ThousandSpoons · 13/02/2024 17:41

NewYearNewCalendar · 13/02/2024 17:35

Is the credit card debt from clothing and feeding your child?

Assuming no: dump the arsehole boyfriend, use the money sensibly to support your child.

This

PutMyFootIn · 13/02/2024 17:41

Itslegitimatesalvage · 13/02/2024 17:37

So you’re a single income household and he supports your child together as well as the child from your ex? The CMS money needs to go into the joint pot. You’re on one one income so his money and benefit money is all joint and he has supported your child. You need to pay him back for that, and CMS will have to go into the joint pot as long as your child is getting everything he needs.

Sensible answer, I agree with this, just put it in the family pot.

Exactly how much money are we talking about here?

funinthesun19 · 13/02/2024 17:41

No way! That money is for your kids. It’s money they have a right to have from their father. It’s not for paying off your partner’s debts. I would be viewing him a very different light if he was my partner.

Does your partner have any kids by any chance?

Itslegitimatesalvage · 13/02/2024 17:41

So you’ve always been low income? And he has incurred debt in his name due to supporting you all as a family unit? But now you want to say that the debt isn’t your fault and nothing to do with you? So you won’t contribute?

This money is back pay for supporting your child. He was the one supporting your child. Help pay off the debt, then sit down and come up with a family budget which means the kids have what they need and you can get out of debt. If you’re not willing to do that then this isn’t a partnership and you should end the relationship.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 13/02/2024 17:41

And how much will the payment be?

In fairness if neither you nor your older child's father have been supporting him financially, and your current partner has been the one working and run up debt paying to support him, and the money is a back payment for the support he was not getting them I can see why your current partner thinks some of it should go to him.

HollyJollyHolidays · 13/02/2024 17:42

Well obviously it is for the child but I would probably give a little if it’s affordable if he has ran up debt supporting you and child. Just try and be fair while still putting the children first. Depends how much the payment is and how much the debt is.

Itslegitimatesalvage · 13/02/2024 17:42

funinthesun19 · 13/02/2024 17:41

No way! That money is for your kids. It’s money they have a right to have from their father. It’s not for paying off your partner’s debts. I would be viewing him a very different light if he was my partner.

Does your partner have any kids by any chance?

Edited

The debt is because the partner supported them when the OP earned very little and then nothing at all.

10ThousandSpoons · 13/02/2024 17:42

Hipp0campus · 13/02/2024 17:37

Some of the cc debt will be from child related expenses, so it's not clear cut. He's been part of DS life since he was a baby and they're now 10

Irrelevant how long you've been together. If he has been paying to support your child when this other bloke should have then actually I do think he's got a bit of a point

wayyour · 13/02/2024 17:44

In a stable relationship I would consider using some of it to help with debts. However, in this case absolutely not, and especially with him always threatening to leave.

AsTheyPulledYouOutOfTheOxygenTent · 13/02/2024 17:44

I think it's a bit odd to look on it as "his debt" if you've been living together for 7 years and presumably paying for outgoings as a household.

Unless he's been running up debt of his own on gambling or expensive hobbies then I think it would be a bit off to ditch him now you have some money, leaving him with the debt that you accumulated as a family.

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