First CMS payment, new partner wants most of it

[Hipp0campus]

Getting a lump cms payment soon, first one for over 5 years!
Told DP of 7 years and hes asked for a majority of it, saying he needs to pay off debts as he's the only one with a CC and has kept me and DS supported for years ect.
I'm unwilling to help with the debts as our relationship is rocky and he constantly threatens to leave. I have had no say in the majority of things that went on the cc.
So
YABU help pay off a chunk of debts

YANBU You've waited 5 years for a payment from ex, don't give it to another man

When you were working were you 50/50 on all household expenses? It sounds to me like you want a ‘one pot’ household income when it’s ‘his’ money but not willing to put ‘your/your dc’s money’ into the joint pot.

Cake and eat it rings a bell here…

All those immediately saying LEAVE HIM is ridiculous. This is a 7 year relationship with children involved and shared household expenses

OP admitted he paid for food and school uniforms on the card. Also for a tv. Doesn’t sound like he was trigger happy. Some whisky and takeaways are what she begrudges him. He hardly sounds like a dickhead.

A dickhead is someone who would have disregarded another man’s child.

Give him half and cut your losses. He might let you keep the tv he paid for on said credit card.

Them, to put their child in nursery.

OP has saved them some money by being a sahm. And cost them by not working as well.

@chiwwy

And he's saved her even more on rent, council tax, utilities, internet, food, clothing etc.
Why do some people think that being a SAHM is a massive favour to the man paying the bills?
Especially if one of the children is not theirs.

If you want to keep the £3k because you would rather have the money and be a lone parent than continue in the relationship then just own that. It would be understandable.

But allowing him to use credit to pay for things for your child, taking no moral responsibility for the debt and then framing the thread in the way you have is just disingenuous.

This

it shows how many people don’t bother to read the thread and jump to “leave him, he must be at fault” when the true picture is very different.

typical mumsnet.

Use the money as a deposit to a new life for you and your son.

Have you read the thread?

It’s not clear how you’d have supported yourself and your older son without him. Your ex wasn’t paying CMS, you’ve got not access to credit yourself. Have you missed out on additional benefits you’d have got if you hadn’t been with him? You say he pays the rent as if that isn’t one of the biggest costs most families have, it’s quite dismissive of his contribution, as is saying he paid for food, uniform and a tv you’ve all used then changing your mind.

It seems unlikely £12k was mostly spent on whisky and the odd takeaway but I could be wrong.

Give him 1.5k, it’s joint household debt. You mention whiskey and takeaways but he didn’t have to put your child’s uniform on his CC. Even if the relationship is falling apart giving him some of the money is the right thing to do.

“I’ve built up credit card debt, a lot on regular things for the kids. Husband has come into some money and wants to keep all/some of it.”

LEAVE HIM!

I would imagine she's bothering because he's paid what he has for years

If he's paid for things on the credit card for your previous child, then yes. You should financially contribute to repaying that using the child maintenance. If you had been getting child maintenance off your ex at the start, he would not have had to pay for your (and another man's) child. I would have a sit down and figure out how much it is, roughly, that he has paid for your previous child.

Him supporting YOU has nothing to do with the child maintenance. It isn't income. It's money that is to be spent on your child.

I would then split it into repayments. Don't give him a lump sum.

For example, say you have worked out you he has paid around 1k for your previous child. I would split that into a small percentage of his monthly repayments.

That way, if he fucks off and leaves you on you and your DC on your arses any time soon, you're not totally diddled.

It also gives time for more CM from your ex to accrue.

Your title says “new partner”, then in your intro you say DP of 7 years, and in this post you say that your partner has been in your almost 10 year old son’s life since he was a baby. Which is it?

Nearly 10 years is hardly a new partner. If he’s been supporting you and your son since then, it’s a little misleading when comparing it to the clickbait title.

OP would have been entitled to benefits if she was not with her partner.
Why should OP be liable for debt when it sounds like she has no say in what her partner spends?

It's a back payment. The money has been spent on the child. This is to reimburse the father's share.

So the person who paid it out should receive it back.

@Wibblywobblylikejelly Yeah I know! I said she should pay what she owes for her previous child's upkeep back. Just not all at once, given the OPs updates about the precarious nature of the relationship and her lack of financial security.

There's no legality here, she doesn't legally owe him anything. She can pay it back however and whenever she likes.

I think she's smart to be cautious and not want to drop a lump sum in his account.

OP put your children first. No one else will.

OP just means that it's her current i.e. new partner who wants the CMS money, not the ex partner who the CMS are taking the money from.

Ok so help me out. What are planning to do with the 3k?

Are you going to put it savings and let your DP continue to support you? Are going to spend it on one DC and not the other? Spend it on both DC?

what has changed that your DP is not putting family expenses on his CC? Will you be paying more of a share with the monthly CM payments?

Agreed.

Besides the current DP who has been supporting the kid for 7 years?

The op has been working until recently. And has not had benefits she would have had if single.

@saltinesandcoffeecups she has explained that her DP had overspent and she now pays for everything except rent. The DP pays the rent.

@Hipp0campus I have been a single parent. People on here can opinion about fairness all they like. But you have to put your children first. No one else will.
Most people commenting on this thread will not have been in precarious financial positions as a single mum. If you split up how will you be able to set yourself up separately from your DP if you have no money? Your situation is very precarious.