First CMS payment, new partner wants most of it

[Hipp0campus]

Getting a lump cms payment soon, first one for over 5 years!
Told DP of 7 years and hes asked for a majority of it, saying he needs to pay off debts as he's the only one with a CC and has kept me and DS supported for years ect.
I'm unwilling to help with the debts as our relationship is rocky and he constantly threatens to leave. I have had no say in the majority of things that went on the cc.
So
YABU help pay off a chunk of debts

YANBU You've waited 5 years for a payment from ex, don't give it to another man

We did not need the cc.
It was there and he used it without saying much until a substantial amount of debt had built up.
Only then did it become apparent that he was using it for 2/3 weeks a month.
I was not aware of most of this. Only the occasional shop at the end of the month I was told would need to go on the cc.
I'm happy to eat beans on toast/ pasta/ jacket potatoes a few times a week, but he doesn't count that as a "proper meal" so just buys what he wants with no thought to the rest of the month.

I was budgeting before but had to tighten up and completely take over once he admitted how bad cc debt had become.

I would've been happy with a 2nd hand TV, he wasn't.
Ironically that TV didn't last long and we have a 2nd hand one now anyway as it was that or nothing.

Thing is, if you refuse to pay him anything at all, you can kiss the relationship goodbye now. That's not how healthy happy couples treat each other.

Okay so you might have been happy with beans on toast, but would you have been happy to feed your child that for every meal? If he paid for your child to be fed well, adequately clothed and housed for a substantial amount of time (when your ex wasn't paying) then it's fair for you to pay him back.

If he wants you to pay him back for what he has spent on YOU, then you do that from your own income. Child maintenance is not income. That is for your child, and your child only.

Both of you need to sit down and figure out what he has spent on your previous child. That is all you owe him (from the child maintenance).

Then, because you are uncertain about the relationship and don't want to be left with nothing to your name if you were to split, you pay him it back bit by bit each month.

This way you aren't refusing to pay him back, and you aren't leaving yourself short should he leave you whilst your financially vulnerable.

That's what I'd do anyway, and I wouldn't budge on it. As another poster said, put your children first.

@DonnyBurrito the OPs DP keeps threating to finish the relationship. It is already very unstable.
And OP is not responsible for financial decisions her DP made.

well that changes the perspective of things but that is completely at odds with what you've been saying all along.

When times were tougher we put food shops and uniform on the cc, had to put a new TV on it as dc broke ours.

and then when asked what you meant when you had no say over what was spent you replied:
-- I mean he did most of the food shops and wouldn't question sticking whisky or something unnecessary on there when we are in a position we already had to resort to cc.

You obviously DID need the credit card, and your replies above show that you knew you were in a position of relying on this credit card every month. Saying you didn't know how bad it was, whilst potentially true, is just another way of burying your head in the sand about it, you knew he was running out of money 1-2 weeks after payday and you both just carried on regardless.

I think you need to have a good talk with your DP and work out if you really have a future together, and if he does want you to contribute to this debt then the first thing you need to do is work out exactly where this money has been spent, if he won't show you and be totally honest then there's not much you can do. But you can't just say 'it's your card so it's your problem' and expect him to be okay with that when it's been used for family spending for years.

@sandyhappypeople you are changing the facts to suit your opinion.

@herewegoagainy I totally agree, I don't think she should be giving him a lump sum. But if he's looked after her first child in lieu of the biological father, then (if she wanted the relationship to work) she should help him with monthly payments now.

If his repayments are £300 a month, I'd give him £50 a month until a fair amount had been reached. I imagine over 10 years he will have spent atleast 1k on her son's essentials. So I'd agree to give £50 for 20 months. It just gives her that tiny bit of security, and she is well within her rights to want that for her children.

If she isn't arsed about the relationship then she should just keep the whole lot and prepare for the inevitable break up.

What facts? I'm literally quoting the OP.

@DonnyBurrito OP is on benefits which provides the bare minimum for her children. You are suggesting she takes food out of her kids mouths to pay money to her DP that she never agreed he should spend.

So the tax payer would have been support her child rather than her partner? Is that better?

How much is the rent ?

@herewegoagainy Well she has 3k in the bank now + benefit payments to support her children. So they are okay for money, currently. I am suggesting, as her partner put food in her previous child's mouth, that she helps him out with small contributions to the monthly repayments IF she wants to keep him around (ie keep the roof over their heads).

You don't refuse to pay back someone who has helped you financially support your child from a previous relationship and then expect them to stick around.

I'm thinking of the practicalities for OP and her children. I really don't care about the ethics of this.

@DonnyBurrito The DP should have paid towards the other childs costs. The OP will have lost benefits when DP moved in. He has to make those up.
And in what world is living on benefits with children doing okay?
She needs that £3k because her situation is precarious. The DP keeps saying they should split up.

Never agreed he should spend!

"we are in a position we already had to resort to cc"

"When times were tougher we put food shops and uniform on the cc, had to put a new TV on it as dc broke ours"

"Some of the cc debt will be from child related expenses, so it's not clear cut"

" When cc hit limit I took over meal planning, budgeting etc."

All of the statements above are what OP has said, which ones do you think haven't been agreed to or known about? Of course she knew and agreed to a certain amount of spending on the card, just based on her own words, she may not have known the full extent of the debt, but that doesn't mean she didn't know it was happening.

Saying 'not my card so not my debt' when that card has been used for the benefit of the family is not acceptable, if they are not making ends meet then they should be working together to find a sustainable way forward not relying on credit cards to live on.

@sandyhappypeople you have cherry picked. OP has made clear she was happy to live in jacket potatoes and similar while the DP insisted on takeaways and bottles of whisky they could not afford.
Even now her DP is working and only paying rent.

@herewegoagainy

And in what world is living on benefits with children doing okay?

I say they are currently okay. A lot more okay than people on benefits WITHOUT 3k in the bank, anyway.

Perhaps the relationship has been slowly crumbling under the financial stress and that's why he's been threatening to leave.

If she wants to save it, she should take steps to act like the other half of the couple. At the very least she should be trying to stay in his good books considering he's paying for all of their rent and bills.

I made a suggestion so she doesn't hand over anything substantial from her 3k safety net whilst she's in a difficult financial position.

Just something to keep the roof over her head while she figures out how to get financially independent.

He pays the rent
I pay everything else - WiFi, electricity, water, car, kids clubs, food for the other 3 weeks in a month.

Like the idea of giving him a payment towards the debt monthly, that seems the most sensible as if he decided to leave then the next day I wouldn't be panicking about the next rent payment.

It's time to end this relationship. No partner should be repeatedly threatening to end a relationship, like a stick to beat you with.

He chose to assist in supporting you & your son. I'm sure you contributed to the relationship in some way.

That money is for your son, use it for a fresh start.

@Hipp0campus

Oh okay, so it's just the rent that you would have to take on.

Would your local housing allowance cover enough of your rent if he were to leave?

Do you know how much child maintenance you'd be entitled to if he did leave?

Basically if you can still afford your rent if he leaves, then you are holding the cards.

Don't let yourself get bullied into giving more than you think is fair unless you really do need him!

Yep, can afford rent if he leaves as uc would cover that, however-

If he paid correct maintenance which would be around 360 p/m then I could also afford rent without any change in uc, as would be saving quite a bit with one less adult to pay for.

Bill split is 49% me and 51% him for PP who asked. We did the maths on both incomes and outgoings. Not including food.

Good god woman don’t you bloody dare hand a penny to the money grabbing twat waffle that is for your child not him it’s his problem if he’s built up debt on the cc that comes under the heading of tough shit. I think he’s overdue being shown the door.

Why are you with him?

Bill split is 49% me and 51% him for PP who asked. We did the maths on both incomes and outgoings. Not including food.
I thought you pud everything?

I pay everything else - WiFi, electricity, water, car, kids clubs, food for the other 3 weeks in a month.

All from carers allowance of £76?

I could not (or could but would really struggle) feed a family of 4 in that for a week let along pay everything else on top

He didnt they did🙄

@Hipp0campus
If he only pays rent from his wages and you pay for everything else from carers allowance, why is there CC debt?
Something doesn't add up.