First CMS payment, new partner wants most of it

[Hipp0campus]

Getting a lump cms payment soon, first one for over 5 years!
Told DP of 7 years and hes asked for a majority of it, saying he needs to pay off debts as he's the only one with a CC and has kept me and DS supported for years ect.
I'm unwilling to help with the debts as our relationship is rocky and he constantly threatens to leave. I have had no say in the majority of things that went on the cc.
So
YABU help pay off a chunk of debts

YANBU You've waited 5 years for a payment from ex, don't give it to another man

You were struggling with debt you had and he didn’t help

you had little influence in the debt he created but there will have been some spent on you/your child that was legitimate

don’t give him any of the lump sum, but do say to him that you’ll contribute to his repayment, BUT on the understanding that no additional debt is added to card and all budgeting must be stuck to or it won’t work

don’t budge on this

Because circumstances can change drastically in the space of 10 years and that's how long he's/they've been using credit cards. Don't forget COVID was only 4 years ago, they were very likely to have been struggling then. OP has said that there were times when they were both short over the years. She hasn't always had carers allowance or been able to work, due to childcare duties.

They haven't been together 10 years.

@DonnyBurrito
She says she only stopped work 6 months ago.
I would presume wages would be more than carers allowance. So why the debt?
He must have been paying for the child that was not his.
OP should put the money in the family pot as her partner was paying when the child's father wasn't.

If you are thinking of splitting up, well it probably would be wise to hang onto it, even if it is morally questionable. You have been together a long time, he has supported you and the debt might be in his name but it is surely a joint household debt. In which case yes, as a team you tackle your debts, you pay them off together if you can. It is shocking that you think debts are his, his earnings are yours and what you have is only yours.

OP said that her older child is is nearly 10 and partner has been in his life since he was a baby. So close to ten years. I don’t know how that fits with the 7 years in the first post, perhaps ten years together and 7 living together?

@Picklestop

OP said that her older child is is nearly 10 and partner has been in his life since he was a baby.

Yeah I thought the same. Then I questioned it.

He hasn't been financially contributing for 10 years because they were friends for 3.

I think OP has spun so many lies she forgot what she said tbh.

Nah, fuck that. I don't think it's morally questionable at all. He CHOSE to support you and your DC. If that comes with conditions, that's not a partner, that's a manipulator. Dump him and keep the money.

Does it not work both ways though, you know in a partnership? He supports her when she has no money, but then him wanting help paying of the debts he incurred in order to do so is making conditions somehow? Rather than them working as a team and supporting each other when able to do so.

He supported her by getting into debt. It wasn't with his own money, he borrowed money. That's his problem. Doesn't sound like a partnership in any way to me.

To be honest when you're working a low wage job and there are children (ie childcare costs) involved then you don't really make much more when you are working compared to when you're on benefits.

He has refused to show me any cc statements.

I am reluctant to pay off debt when I can't see any details. It feels like signing a contract without reading it first.

Stay firm, OP. Don't pay him a penny.

how much is the rent ?!!!

as i can't see what he is spending his money on:

rent
one shop of £100 ish
and a payment of £300 towards the credit card

this is a grown man, working full time - even in a nmw job he should have money left over...

so if the rent is £500 which it could be if it is a social housing property
or is the rent £1500 for a 3 bed in a reasonable size town

is he just bad with managing his money, or

is he a gambler ?

as that is what struck me when he runs out of money so soon into the month.

and yes I have read every comment from the OP.

I would not give him a penny of the money from CMS when it comes through.

Rent is 650.

I also don't understand how he runs out of money so fast.

I have a feeling he is spending money somewhere else, as he cannot possibly run out of money so soon.

or he has a savings account ( that you don't know about )

or he is paying cms to a child somewhere.

even if he did a £200 shop when he gets paid, he would still have money left over.

650 + 200 = 850 + 300 = 1150

even with tax, n.i. and pension, he will bring home more than that, and that's assuming he is on nmw !

Is the place you rent in his name only?

Just let him leave.

You'll be far better off emotionally, practically and financially as a result.

He pays the rent
I pay everything else - WiFi, electricity, water, car, kids clubs, food for the other 3 weeks in a month.

Who pays council tax, insurances, TV, phones, clothes, other day to day expenses, presents etc?

Bill split is 49% me and 51% him for PP who asked. We did the maths on both incomes and outgoings. Not including food.

Your maths is wrong unless he is earning under £80 per week.

I do.
He will buy the occasional thing but it if I don't buy it it doesn't get bought at all.

I do.

How?

Carers allowance does not cover what you said together pay each month never mind the rest of it

• uc and dla

OP there are always posters on MN who support any man, no matter how he behaves. They constantly find excuses for him.
You know you need to put your children first and not give him this money. He won't even show you statements so you can see what he is spending his money on. You are not a team, so please do not be guilt tripped into acting as if you are one.