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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

First CMS payment, new partner wants most of it

297 replies

Hipp0campus · 13/02/2024 17:23

Getting a lump cms payment soon, first one for over 5 years!
Told DP of 7 years and hes asked for a majority of it, saying he needs to pay off debts as he's the only one with a CC and has kept me and DS supported for years ect.
I'm unwilling to help with the debts as our relationship is rocky and he constantly threatens to leave. I have had no say in the majority of things that went on the cc.
So
YABU help pay off a chunk of debts

YANBU You've waited 5 years for a payment from ex, don't give it to another man

OP posts:
betterangels · 13/02/2024 19:31

Mawface · 13/02/2024 18:01

This! Totally made out as if he hasn't contributed or basically brought up your children for almost 10 years.

Show quote history

Yeah, but he's a man, so he's automatically in the wrong. YABU to not put it in a joint pot.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 13/02/2024 19:31

Really can't understand why he's being called a cheeky fucker! Would posters think it's fair if he then said, 'fine your money is only for you and your dc only, my contribution going forward will only be for joint dc' he would be called all names!

TonTonMacoute · 13/02/2024 19:32

Fooshufflewickjbannanapants · 13/02/2024 17:26

Naah, keep the cash, bin him

This.

Easiest decision ever!

dawngreen · 13/02/2024 19:33

I would not trust him for taking the money, and leaving either. But you could give him a certain amount to clear the debts. But keep the rest, and don't tell him the amount you actually got.

Orangetattoo · 13/02/2024 19:33

He's hardly a 'new partner' is he?

VeneziaJ · 13/02/2024 19:34

Itslegitimatesalvage · 13/02/2024 17:37

So you’re a single income household and he supports your child together as well as the child from your ex? The CMS money needs to go into the joint pot. You’re on one one income so his money and benefit money is all joint and he has supported your child. You need to pay him back for that, and CMS will have to go into the joint pot as long as your child is getting everything he needs.

They are NOT a single income household OP WORKS as a CARER for their disabled daughter and gets carers allowance! Looking after a disabled child is often a full time job and then some! If her partner has been working so has she! The back dated CMS payment is for the child from a previous relationship and not to pay his debts!!

betterangels · 13/02/2024 19:35

He probably should leave, pay for his kid, pay off his debts and move on. This doesn't sound like a partnership.

10ThousandSpoons · 13/02/2024 19:36

Itslegitimatesalvage · 13/02/2024 17:58

@Hipp0campus

I think your title and opening post are just totally disingenuous. He isn’t a new partner. He is a partner of almost a decade, and he has essentially been the dad to your first child and you have another child with him. That’s not new.

The debt also isn’t his. It’s family debt, from supporting you and your child when you were low income and then continuing to support when you had no income as well as supporting your joint disabled child. Of course you have your carer’s allowance and your joint UC top up but the debt has still built up, from you as a family. It’s good you have taken over budgeting and you are both trying to stick within your means, but this is joint debt from a man who has supported you for years.

If you want real responses then re-write your OP and title with an accurate representation of the circumstances.

His money, UC and carer’s allowance goes in the family pot. So should the CMS. And you both sit down and make a budget and a debt repayment plan and figure out a way forward. But to totally disregard that he has supported you for years and gotten into debt because of it is pretty my awful. And to refuse to help pay that debt? Maybe this relationship should be over.

I agree. I think you've been selective what you put in the OP to make everyone agree with you. I don't know why you've done that.

Iwasafool · 13/02/2024 19:37

Hipp0campus · 13/02/2024 18:03

We don't have a joint account.
He pays the rent, I pay the rest.
I will not get a joint account with someone who has threatened to walk out a lot recently, we are not married, there are no ducks to get in a row and I have no rights.

When he gets paid he'll do a food shop or two totalling about £100- 200. I do the rest. Uniforms, food, shoes, clubs, ect.

You're changing the story a bit, you said, When times were tougher we put food shops and uniform on the cc, had to put a new TV on it as dc broke ours.

Now suddenly you pay everything except the rent but then he does food shops.

It is hard to say without figures, if you ex was a multi millionaire and you've just got a million he has £5k on the card then pay it. If your ex is on benefits and you've got £500 and the credit card is £500 don't give it all to him. Likely to be somewhere in the middle but without figures impossible to say but if some of the debt is where he has supported your child he is owed some of it isn't he.

Just seen you've added figures. I wouldn't give him all of it but I do think you owe him some of it.

ThisMama1 · 13/02/2024 19:38

I originally clicked YANBU but I don’t think it’s as clear cut as that now I’ve read the updates. However what is clear is that it’s clearly not a relationship that’s working out & the decision you make with the money will likely be the make or break of it.

I think you need to have a really frank financial decision as I don’t understand how you can pay for everything else on a such a small amount as daters allowance, it’s £76.75. So if you’re getting CA then obviously there’s some DLA & potentially UC disability tops ups too. You need to work out how much of the CC debt was in taking care of the family & the child that isn’t is. And it seems like some of the money should go towards the debt.

Maintenance is to look after the child & if the partner has been contributing to the child with the CC then it’s not really fair to call it ‘his debt’ as it’s joint debt up until a point.

but I think there’s more issues than pay towards the CC or not. As a whole it doesn’t sound like a great relationship for either of you & I’d be tempted personally to give him £1k & use the £2k to set you & the kids up. If you’re getting DLA & CA then you’ll likely qualify for UC & housing benefit until you get on your feet with a job etc

gold luck!

TellMeWhoTheVillainsAre · 13/02/2024 19:41

Alwaysgoingforit · 13/02/2024 19:27

What planet is he on? Why do you even doubt yourself? Tell him to FUCK RIGHT OFF and close the door behind him.

Wow! On her partner of 10 years? When has been bringing up another man's child for 10 years?

Nice.

HamsterKebab · 13/02/2024 19:41

God there are some cunts on this thread.

I don’t know what to suggest OP, just wanted to send some support, you’ve had a tough time and I hope things improve for you.

UneFoisAuChalet · 13/02/2024 19:41

Sorry Op, I’m in the pay him some money camp.

That credit card debt isn’t just his. Instead of your former partner paying for his child, your partner did. He paid for things for the family. You were happy to take whatever that cc was paying for. Imagine if he’d received money and didn’t help out the family? You’d be outraged right?

Pay him half of what you receive and leave him. Your acting like it’s ‘your money’ and some kind of windfall but seriously, 3k gets your nothing nowadays.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 13/02/2024 19:42

It goes into the household pot presumably, as it is back payment for what you would have been contributing (maybe not needing the CC) previously.

They are your debts too, run up to support your child as well.

HamsterKebab · 13/02/2024 19:42

Iwasafool · 13/02/2024 19:37

You're changing the story a bit, you said, When times were tougher we put food shops and uniform on the cc, had to put a new TV on it as dc broke ours.

Now suddenly you pay everything except the rent but then he does food shops.

It is hard to say without figures, if you ex was a multi millionaire and you've just got a million he has £5k on the card then pay it. If your ex is on benefits and you've got £500 and the credit card is £500 don't give it all to him. Likely to be somewhere in the middle but without figures impossible to say but if some of the debt is where he has supported your child he is owed some of it isn't he.

Just seen you've added figures. I wouldn't give him all of it but I do think you owe him some of it.

Edited
Show quote history

She gave the figures several pages ago. £12k debt and £3k CMS payment.

Workhardcryharder · 13/02/2024 19:42

Honestly I can’t believe you wouldn’t automatically give it to him. He’s your partner, you are a team, he’s been helping pay for another persons child and your first thought is keeping any money for yourself

Iwasafool · 13/02/2024 19:43

HamsterKebab · 13/02/2024 19:42

She gave the figures several pages ago. £12k debt and £3k CMS payment.

Show quote history

Yes and I edited my post when I saw them.

Beautiful3 · 13/02/2024 19:46

If he has been financially supporting you for years, and is in debt because of struggling to support the family, then yes I'd use it to pay off some debt. If you're all in it together, it wouldn't be nice to hide the money for something else. My husband and I share our money.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/02/2024 19:46

@Hipp0campus

If you were in a stable relationship or had resources/assets of your own to fall back on I'd say that at least some of it should go to paying off 'family' debt. I know it's his cc, but at least part of the debt is as a result of feeding the family and probably other expenses.

BUT you say the relationship is rocky, he often threatens to leave, and you have NO resources/assets to fall back on. In this case, I'd put the money in a 'fall back fund' in case he does leave or things get so bad that you decide to. It may not be enough to set yourself up with a flat, deposits, etc, etc, but it should be enough to get you away from him and hopefully to a friend, relative, or some type of accommodation whilst you make more permanent arrangements.

If you do decide to save the money, you may want to consider that this might be the straw that breaks the camel's back and actually makes him leave and whether or not you really care if that happens.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 13/02/2024 19:47

It isn't even 'giving it to him '. It is a contribution to shared debt/expenses. Either you're a partnership, whereby be provides for your child equally when times are hard and you contribute when you can, or you're not. You're wanting it both ways at the moment

Barrenfieldoffucks · 13/02/2024 19:49

AcrossthePond55 · 13/02/2024 19:46

@Hipp0campus

If you were in a stable relationship or had resources/assets of your own to fall back on I'd say that at least some of it should go to paying off 'family' debt. I know it's his cc, but at least part of the debt is as a result of feeding the family and probably other expenses.

BUT you say the relationship is rocky, he often threatens to leave, and you have NO resources/assets to fall back on. In this case, I'd put the money in a 'fall back fund' in case he does leave or things get so bad that you decide to. It may not be enough to set yourself up with a flat, deposits, etc, etc, but it should be enough to get you away from him and hopefully to a friend, relative, or some type of accommodation whilst you make more permanent arrangements.

If you do decide to save the money, you may want to consider that this might be the straw that breaks the camel's back and actually makes him leave and whether or not you really care if that happens.

Edited

I do agree with this though. If you keep it, effectively your relationship as it is is over. Or should be anyway. If that is what you want, you should keep it and use it to set up independently.

80skid · 13/02/2024 19:49

If he's been supporting you and your child because you've not been able to/child's dad hasn't been doing so AND he's got into debt in order to do so, then yes, YABU. Without proper numbers and context it's hard to say. I think being supported by someone then splitting up when they're in debt because of it and you now have the money you should have had before that they were subsidising you in the absence of is really poor.

x2boys · 13/02/2024 19:49

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 13/02/2024 19:31

Really can't understand why he's being called a cheeky fucker! Would posters think it's fair if he then said, 'fine your money is only for you and your dc only, my contribution going forward will only be for joint dc' he would be called all names!

Its typical of mumsnet if a women had got into debt ,whilst supporting a man and the family the man would-be called a cock lodger
But because it's ,the other way round it's still the mans fault🤷

Nanny0gg · 13/02/2024 19:50

NotQuiteNorma · 13/02/2024 18:38

Her bf has been paying for one of them for years. Best she pays back some of the debt she helped to cause.

Show quote history

'Has been contributing towards. Sometimes'

Is how I'm reading it

chiwwy · 13/02/2024 19:50

Barrenfieldoffucks · 13/02/2024 19:47

It isn't even 'giving it to him '. It is a contribution to shared debt/expenses. Either you're a partnership, whereby be provides for your child equally when times are hard and you contribute when you can, or you're not. You're wanting it both ways at the moment

But they're not a partnership because he keeps saying he's leaving.

And it sounds like he's way more trigger happy with the credit card so OP shouldn't have to pay for that.

Plus what about the impact on OP's earnings and pension when she was at home looking after their baby?