Page 5 | First CMS payment, new partner wants most of it

Hipp0campus · 2024-02-13T17:23:53+00:00

Getting a lump cms payment soon, first one for over 5 years! Told DP of 7 years and hes asked for a majority of it, saying he needs to pay off debts as he's the only one with a CC and has kept me and DS supported for years ect. I'm unwilling to help with the debts as our relationship is rocky and he constantly threatens to leave. I have had no say in the majority of things that went on the cc. So YABU help pay off a chunk of debts YANBU You've waited 5 years for a payment from ex, don't give it to another man

NoOrdinaryMorning · 13/02/2024 18:23

Yeah some of that money DOES need to go to him I'm afraid. He's paid for your child as well as his own and got himself into debt to do so.

RatatouillePie · 13/02/2024 18:24

@Hipp0campus why are you bothering with this waste of space?!?!

That money is for your son so don't give your OH a penny of it! If he walks out then good!

trooc · 13/02/2024 18:24

@Hipp0campus

Yes, we were friends.

If he wasn't supporting your DC from baby until you got together it's not relevant to the question of family finance.

NoOrdinaryMorning · 13/02/2024 18:24

vodkaredbullgirl · 13/02/2024 17:55

Keep the money ditch the oh, he could have cleared his own debt.

Have you not RTFT? Some/most (not clear which but certainly at least some) of the credit card debt is from school uniform and child expenses for her son! So technically she should pay that off herself!

chiwwy · 13/02/2024 18:25

Leave him, don't give him a penny, use the lump sum to set up a new home and life with your children, and apply to CMS for maintenance.

NoOrdinaryMorning · 13/02/2024 18:26

Itslegitimatesalvage · 13/02/2024 17:58

@Hipp0campus

I think your title and opening post are just totally disingenuous. He isn’t a new partner. He is a partner of almost a decade, and he has essentially been the dad to your first child and you have another child with him. That’s not new.

The debt also isn’t his. It’s family debt, from supporting you and your child when you were low income and then continuing to support when you had no income as well as supporting your joint disabled child. Of course you have your carer’s allowance and your joint UC top up but the debt has still built up, from you as a family. It’s good you have taken over budgeting and you are both trying to stick within your means, but this is joint debt from a man who has supported you for years.

If you want real responses then re-write your OP and title with an accurate representation of the circumstances.

His money, UC and carer’s allowance goes in the family pot. So should the CMS. And you both sit down and make a budget and a debt repayment plan and figure out a way forward. But to totally disregard that he has supported you for years and gotten into debt because of it is pretty my awful. And to refuse to help pay that debt? Maybe this relationship should be over.

THIS!!!!!!

chiwwy · 13/02/2024 18:26

NoOrdinaryMorning · 13/02/2024 18:24

Have you not RTFT? Some/most (not clear which but certainly at least some) of the credit card debt is from school uniform and child expenses for her son! So technically she should pay that off herself!

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She has 2 kids to raise, best she keeps the money.

steff13 · 13/02/2024 18:26

I kind of take issue with the assertion that the money is FOR the child. The money is for the caretaker of the child to financially support the child. If he has been providing some financial support for the child then I would have a hard time reconciling in my mind that he wasn't entitled to some of it.

trooc · 13/02/2024 18:27

chiwwy · 13/02/2024 18:25

Leave him, don't give him a penny, use the lump sum to set up a new home and life with your children, and apply to CMS for maintenance.

edited bc I’m stupid 🤦🏻‍♀️

TellMeWhoTheVillainsAre · 13/02/2024 18:27

It shouldn't be a case of "giving" it to him. It should be a case of you both sitting down to decide where the money is best spent. He has been supporting a child that is not his for 10 years.
A large credit card bill will be gathering a lot of interest. I chunk off it would be financially wise.

The backpaid CMS is to pay for expenses already incurred by your child. Money you've already paid out. I assume you will be getting regular maintenance from now on?

I don't think you should "give" all of it to your partner, but I definitely think it should be used as family money to make all your lives easier, with less debt.

chiwwy · 13/02/2024 18:27

Itslegitimatesalvage · 13/02/2024 17:58

@Hipp0campus

I think your title and opening post are just totally disingenuous. He isn’t a new partner. He is a partner of almost a decade, and he has essentially been the dad to your first child and you have another child with him. That’s not new.

The debt also isn’t his. It’s family debt, from supporting you and your child when you were low income and then continuing to support when you had no income as well as supporting your joint disabled child. Of course you have your carer’s allowance and your joint UC top up but the debt has still built up, from you as a family. It’s good you have taken over budgeting and you are both trying to stick within your means, but this is joint debt from a man who has supported you for years.

If you want real responses then re-write your OP and title with an accurate representation of the circumstances.

His money, UC and carer’s allowance goes in the family pot. So should the CMS. And you both sit down and make a budget and a debt repayment plan and figure out a way forward. But to totally disregard that he has supported you for years and gotten into debt because of it is pretty my awful. And to refuse to help pay that debt? Maybe this relationship should be over.

They're not married and if the debt is in his name then it's not OP's debt.

OP needs to prioritise her dc.

emmaempenadas · 13/02/2024 18:28

It's for your child not your dp.

If he's threatening to leave, let him leave. Better yet, tell him to leave.

WaitTheNoo · 13/02/2024 18:29

Unbelievable. The anti-man stance on this forum is absolutely disgusting.

This guys has supported a family of 4, and like most other low income families, they are in debt. The OP finally has something decent to contribute and help pay off THEIR debts and look at the responses. I’m so done with mumsnet. This is a vile place.

Couldn't agree more, the replies are sickening.

And we all wonder "where are all the decent men?!" when we're single and trying to find a partner. Guy has been working to support the family, including the child which isn't biologically his, and gotten into debt to pay for food and school uniforms.

Now OP has some money she shouldn't be giving him a penny of it and the partner is "dodgy".

What planet are you people living on? How entitled can you be?

Motheranddaughter · 13/02/2024 18:29

Tell him to fuck off

Original poster

Hipp0campus · 13/02/2024 18:30

chiwwy · 13/02/2024 18:27

They're not married and if the debt is in his name then it's not OP's debt.

OP needs to prioritise her dc.

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My fears are I pay off a chunk of his debts, and he walks out tomorrow 3k lighter and leaves me stuck with f all.
I don't have savings. I don't have family to fall back on. I don't have cc due to awful financial abuse from ex that destroyed credit rating and I am slowly getting that better, I do not want a credit card and have always been clear about how we will live within our means.
He is happy to stick a takeaway or booze on there when we're at the end of the month and have meals and drink in the house already.

OP posts:

BCBird · 13/02/2024 18:32

If some of the debt incurred is to buy basics for a child that is not his than yes you owe him some money back, even if the relationship is going to end.

NoOrdinaryMorning · 13/02/2024 18:32

Moier · 13/02/2024 18:22

Keep the money! Definitely ditch the guy.
What a liberty..

RTFT! OP has been living off him for years! He's been paying towards her child for 7 years

Original poster

Hipp0campus · 13/02/2024 18:32

I have also said that if we were to get married obviously that would all change and we would have a joint account ect.
I do not feel comfortable putting myself in the same situation it took me over 5 years to fix after ex.
No marriage, no rights.

OP posts:

Itslegitimatesalvage · 13/02/2024 18:32

chiwwy · 13/02/2024 18:27

They're not married and if the debt is in his name then it's not OP's debt.

OP needs to prioritise her dc.

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How morally bankrupt do you need to be to let a man pay for your kid for years and then refuse to pay anything back?

Original poster

Hipp0campus · 13/02/2024 18:34

NoOrdinaryMorning · 13/02/2024 18:32

RTFT! OP has been living off him for years! He's been paying towards her child for 7 years

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Living off him, give off

Worked my ass off every hour possible, only haven't worked the last 6 months due to there not being any childcare available for OUR disabled dc. I claim carers to make up for this, I still pay my fair share of the bills and then some.

OP posts:

Itslegitimatesalvage · 13/02/2024 18:34

Hipp0campus · 13/02/2024 18:32

I have also said that if we were to get married obviously that would all change and we would have a joint account ect.
I do not feel comfortable putting myself in the same situation it took me over 5 years to fix after ex.
No marriage, no rights.

So if you’ve been through this all before then why did you have children with the new guy before marriage and before being financially stable? You’re saying you won’t pay back
your share of the debt because you’ve learned from your last ex… doesn’t sound like it if you had more kids before being married and financially stable?

SheepAndSword · 13/02/2024 18:34

@Hipp0campus you haven't said, what are you arguing about? Is his credit rating any good?

StripeyDeckchair · 13/02/2024 18:35

WTF would you even contemplate give your current partner a penny?
This is for your child & you, not him.
Bung it all in the highest interest account you can find.

Time to rethink your relationship and do some work on yourself because it sounds like you're attracted to users every time.

Original poster

Hipp0campus · 13/02/2024 18:36

Itslegitimatesalvage · 13/02/2024 18:34

So if you’ve been through this all before then why did you have children with the new guy before marriage and before being financially stable? You’re saying you won’t pay back
your share of the debt because you’ve learned from your last ex… doesn’t sound like it if you had more kids before being married and financially stable?

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Because sometimes contraception fails..

And marriage requires two people to agree to get married.

OP posts:

GrumpyPanda · 13/02/2024 18:37

WildBear · 13/02/2024 17:41

If the relationship was stable I would, but as you have said it's rocky and he's threatened to leave l, then definitely not. Ring fence it for child expenses for the next X months or years and tell DP you won't be asking him for money for clothes etc for children

Are you seriously arguing OP'S DP shouldn't support his OWN child?