First CMS payment, new partner wants most of it

[Hipp0campus]

Getting a lump cms payment soon, first one for over 5 years!
Told DP of 7 years and hes asked for a majority of it, saying he needs to pay off debts as he's the only one with a CC and has kept me and DS supported for years ect.
I'm unwilling to help with the debts as our relationship is rocky and he constantly threatens to leave. I have had no say in the majority of things that went on the cc.
So
YABU help pay off a chunk of debts

YANBU You've waited 5 years for a payment from ex, don't give it to another man

Keeps threatening to leave??

Wants money meant for your child??

Throw him in the bin!!

Do you have any plans to marry your DP? If not I'd pay him back for him/her paying for your child and then leave and pay for your child yourself.

Please leave him.

Told DP of 7 years = mistake number one!

And? That’s what he should have been doing if things like her UC were affected and he moved in to a household where an RP’s children live. If he didn’t want to support Op by making up the shortfall then he shouldn’t have moved in.

(Im assuming if OP was earning very little then she was claiming UC etc alongside her earnings).

If you have gone without and this money is to make up for that then its yours/your child's. If you were supported by partners credit card so you didn't go without, then its only fair where this money goes now. You've technically already had it upfront, and need to pay it back.

Unbelievable. The anti-man stance on this forum is absolutely disgusting.

This guys has supported a family of 4, and like most other low income families, they are in debt. The OP finally has something decent to contribute and help pay off THEIR debts and look at the responses. I’m so done with mumsnet. This is a vile place.

How much is his debt and how much is your payment?

How long would it take for the debt to be paid off?

You say you didn’t have any say over most of what went on the credit card - what do you mean by this? Has he been buying stuff for himself with it that hasn’t benefitted the family? Or do you mean he did the food shop himself rather than you doing it? Or something else? And how much of your taking odd jobs to fit around your disabled DC is down to you preferring that and how much is down to him not being prepared to take on the slack for that?

I think what’s fair and reasonable is complicated because if he’s run up debt covering costs for your child with your ex, then paying off some of the debt with the back dated CMS seems a given, even if your relationship is rocky. But if you’ve been in a position where you could have managed things better and he didn’t let you, or the debt isn’t really related to your DC’s expenses then its not so reasonable, and would be foolhardy if you’re likely to break up.

Does he put all/most of his money into supporting the family? Was the debt ran up on household expenses or why do you say you had no say? You say you run things with uc and he pays £300 of debt, so what does he do with the rest? If he’s putting everything into the joint pot then I would put it there too (assuming the child has everything they need). If he’s not, then I wouldn’t. If you need an escape fund then keep it for that.

Keep the money ditch the oh, he could have cleared his own debt.

Just when I think men can't shock me any more. What a lowlife. Get rid.

I actually think he has a point about sharing the money. He has supported not only you but also your child for years, some of the debt will be directly because of you and your child.
Not to say that there’s any issue with that, people do what they have to do and it was his choice to be in a relationship with you knowing you had a child.
And he sounds like a nob anyway.
However I feel very uncomfortable with the idea that this sum of money which could help repay some of the debts you are jointly responsible for accruing and relieve some of the financial burden from him should be squirrelled away totally separately.
You are a family of 4 and I think that money should go into a joint pot.

This is why all context needs to be told in the opening statement, there's room for many things we don't know to make an informed opinion.

How is it his debt alone if paying for food and school uniform? I think he has a point. The interest he will be paying on cc which have built up with family expenses will be expensive. I’d be telling him to ditch you!

I mean he did most of the food shops and wouldn't question sticking whisky or something unnecessary on there when we are in a position we already had to resort to cc.

My odd jobs ect have been because I felt I haven't had a choice, at the beginning when it was just my DC that was fair enough, then when I had our DC it was just sort of expected as he had the solid job.

I've always been expected to handle majority of kid related stuff because he is the one with a solid job.

@Hipp0campus

I think your title and opening post are just totally disingenuous. He isn’t a new partner. He is a partner of almost a decade, and he has essentially been the dad to your first child and you have another child with him. That’s not new.

The debt also isn’t his. It’s family debt, from supporting you and your child when you were low income and then continuing to support when you had no income as well as supporting your joint disabled child. Of course you have your carer’s allowance and your joint UC top up but the debt has still built up, from you as a family. It’s good you have taken over budgeting and you are both trying to stick within your means, but this is joint debt from a man who has supported you for years.

If you want real responses then re-write your OP and title with an accurate representation of the circumstances.

His money, UC and carer’s allowance goes in the family pot. So should the CMS. And you both sit down and make a budget and a debt repayment plan and figure out a way forward. But to totally disregard that he has supported you for years and gotten into debt because of it is pretty my awful. And to refuse to help pay that debt? Maybe this relationship should be over.

This! Totally made out as if he hasn't contributed or basically brought up your children for almost 10 years.

Where did your third child disappear to?

He’s been supporting you and 3 children, and got into so much debt doing that you’ve been using foodbanks.

Of course you should pay off some of that debt.

Yeah the more I read here, the more unreasonable you are sounding.

And begruding him having a bottle of whisky.

When was the last time you did something nice for your partner?

What do you plan to do with it if you don't use it to pay off this debt?

We don't have a joint account.
He pays the rent, I pay the rest.
I will not get a joint account with someone who has threatened to walk out a lot recently, we are not married, there are no ducks to get in a row and I have no rights.

When he gets paid he'll do a food shop or two totalling about £100- 200. I do the rest. Uniforms, food, shoes, clubs, ect.

a weeks food shop for your family and one bottle of whisky i dont think is so excessive it warrants leaving him with all the debt.

using credit cards for food though is really bad. essentially, you both dont earn enough.

Finding a job that pays adequately inside school hours is never going to happen. You need proper wrap around childcare. he does fuck all at home so you need to be independent.

Im confused a little by which children are his too. You have three children. One is disabled. Two are school age. Are the two school age ones with your ex? So is it an amount that would make a real difference to the debt gained because of the lack of cms up until now? Is the disabled child your partner’s?

Just sounds like back peddling now.

Sorry, but your title and opening post were so far removed from reality that I just don’t think anything you say means anything.

Good luck. Most of mumsnet hates men so you’ll find a lot of support… but it doesn’t mean it’s going to help your in real life.