First CMS payment, new partner wants most of it

[Hipp0campus]

Getting a lump cms payment soon, first one for over 5 years!
Told DP of 7 years and hes asked for a majority of it, saying he needs to pay off debts as he's the only one with a CC and has kept me and DS supported for years ect.
I'm unwilling to help with the debts as our relationship is rocky and he constantly threatens to leave. I have had no say in the majority of things that went on the cc.
So
YABU help pay off a chunk of debts

YANBU You've waited 5 years for a payment from ex, don't give it to another man

What has he put on the credit card, how much is the debt, and how much are you getting?

If he does the food shop, why are you buying food?

@CharmedCult
If some facts from other posts on other threads I've made don't add up, maybe I'm smart enough to edit the personal details so I'm not easily recognised?
Not relevant to this post but thanks for the detective work.

Because a £100 food shop doesn't feed our family for a month, we haven't hacked the 12 day mumsnet chicken hack yet

Don’t be so ridiculous. It’s not anti man to say there was an expectation to make up a shortfall that his income will have created in OP’s own income. The money from the children’s father is a separate issue and should be treated as such, hence why I don’t think OP should use this money to “pay her partner back”.

If she had been receiving the maintenance all this time, I still would be saying her partner should have STILL been making up a shortfall in OP’s OWN income, with the CMS being kept separate.

Seems like the OP won't answer those questions.

refuse him the money, he'll threaten to leave, you reply 'YES PLEASE'
change the locks as soon as he's gone
Job done

I wouldn't be counting on that money until it hits your account. I have everything crossed for you. All money in one pot to support the family. How it is spent is a family decision.

you said he buys the weekly food shop. Now he doesnt. You said uniforms went on the credit card. Now you pay for them.

it sounds like neither of you have a handle on what is being spent. You need a detailed spreadsheet and ti know exactly who is paying what and when.

They asked me at 18.05, you quoted them at 18.07, during which I had posted 2 other replies. Patience!

Debt is 12k.
Cms is 3k.
Other reply above.

You've said that some of the cc debt is for uniforms and child related expenses.

If that is the case and he's directly paid for things your child with your ex needed then morally I think you should pay him back.

However as you have a joint disabled child and are thinking of leaving him then there seem to be bigger issues. Do you think you can support yourself plus kids if you and he split? Or are you likely to be homeless?

Don’t give him anything. The money is for your child, you need it more if you’ve had nothing for 5 years and depending on how much it is it will come in handy as a cushion if he does indeed leave you. In fact, easier said than done but when he threatens to leave call his bluff. Don’t let him use that as a way to punish you/get you to fall into line.

She hasn’t had nothing for 5 years. This guy has paid for the things she should have been buying using CMS. She needs to pay him back.

I clearly said he does a food shop totalling £100-200 when he gets paid.
He also pays the rent.
I pay everything else, electricity, gas, WiFi, kids clubs, car.

When cc was available he did buy some uniform. That hasn't been the case for a few months as he maxed it out.

He'll announce a week or so after getting paid that he's nearly out of money and I'm expected to handle the rest of the month.

I know how much food costs and how much we need for the rest of the month ect, he doesn't have a clue as far as I'm concerned.

In that case then yes, I think the money should go towards making the debt smaller. You could deduct the cost of the whisky if that would make you feel it was fairer.

It goes into the household pot?

FFS… 1k to the credit card 1K for family needs and 1k into savings for your DC.

You’re collectively pissing away family money (yes it’s not joint but it’s pooled $) by paying the interest on the CC.

It is very shitty of you to not contribute to the CC repayment when it was used for family purchases.

I was dead against it, until I saw the figures.

If you've run up £12k of living costs debt, and you're not working for the last 6mths, then yes, £3k proportionately seems more than reasonable to pay off.

You've both been a bit silly (trust me I've been there too).

You for falling into traditional roles - he earns and you look after kids.

Him for accepting the situation and racking up the debt.

Why does he threaten to leave?

You need to make a decision about the future of your relationship- are you making it work ? Or are you going to walk away ? If it's the latter, you'll need the money to set up home.

You need to find stable employment and childcare regardless of whether you split. Don't be reliant on a man to support you financially.

Can he switch to 0% interest for a while?

Is it money you've been arguing about? It can put a huge strain on a relationship. I'd have a shitfit if I owed £12k, but am low income.

You need to go through it together.

I think you absolutly need to pay at least a portion of your part of the debt. I'm not surprised he's thinking of leaving.

Get rid lass, you deserve better.

You have been together 7 years but he has been part of your 10yo life since he was a baby?

Keep the money! Definitely ditch the guy.
What a liberty..

Yes, we were friends.