Best friend fallen out with me over her holiday. wibu?

[sandrapinchedmysandwich]

Best friend "Lisa" turns 40 this year and has booked a Caribbean cruise as a once in a lifetime holiday. She goes in 3 weeks.

She has had inner ear problems for a long time, had an unsuccessful op a few months ago and is currently awaiting more surgery. Her consultant has forbidden her from flying as the condition has worsened and could affect her brain.

She is refusing to cancel the holiday and wouldnt listen when I tried to tell her that any insurance policy will be invalid if she is travelling against medical advice. And factoring in that she will be on a flaming cruise means any claim could cost hundreds of thousands or worse case she could be refused life saving treatment leaving behind her 9 year old ds

She flipped earlier calling me selfish and saying I am jealous. I admit I cried a bit and said I was just worried. And now she isn't speaking to me.

She is usually so sensible. I thought she might not have realised but she has known all along and is still taking the risk.

Should I have not said anything? Lisa can hold a grudge so this may be it for our longstanding friendship and its very sad.

If she was my good friend of 25 years I'd reach out along the lines of "I'm sorry I upset you earlier. I was just worried for you because I care. But I know you have the right to do what you think best, and I shouldn't have pushed it. It all got a bit more emotional than it should have, and I'm sorry for that."

Just leave it. She's old enough to decide and you now need to step back. You've said the common-sense things that needed to be said, you can't force her to listen - now leave her to it.

Tell her to check she doesn't have cover with her bank if she wants to cancel. If not she needs a policy with a high risk insurer. She can also get a second opinion, she has been advised not to travel but why? Does she have an acoustic neuroma with a failed patch vs inner ear inflammation. What does she do for a living? I work in healthcare my threshold for danger to myself is a lot higher than medically advised.

I would stay out of it to be honest, it's her life to risk

@sandrapinchedmysandwich might be worth reading @coldcallerbaiter's post again

In your Op you say that the medical advice is that she cannot fly. Which makes sense as flying does affect your ears because of the cabin pressure changing. (This wouldn’t affect her on a cruise though).

However, in other posts you refer to her travelling against medical advice. Is she though? There is a big difference between being on a cruise ship and flying in a plane.

I have a few relatives who cannot fly due to medical issues but they can go on a cruise, travel by train or coach.

I think it’s not your business and she can risk assess based on her knowledge of her condition. My uncle has severe crones disease and has a medically made stomach and a stoma bag. He survived surgery with a 20% chance of survival and is totally uninsurable. He travelled to Australia last year to visit his daughter who lives there (having missed her wedding during lockdown). He’s not an idiot, he just decided life’s too short and he was willing to take the risk.

Friend or not Lisa is an idiot and will learn that her actions have consequences if in reality it really is as risky as you’re saying. The fact that you claim it’s your business and place to get involved because you “love her” and got so angry you started crying is utterly ridiculous. She’s a grown adult and has stupidly or not, made her position clear that shes going and your opinions and input aren’t welcome. So you need to stop forcing your opinions on her when they’re not wanted. She knows the risks, she just doesn’t care and there is literally nothing you are going to be able to do about it so you need to just accept it and move on. I would wash my hands of Lisa entirely because she’s devoid of all common sense and clearly selfish but you equally sound interfering and dramatic so you’re clearly not best matched to be friends. The other option is to make her aware as clearly as she’s made you aware that if anything goes wrong it will be all of her own active making and that you won’t be there to help bail her out.

@sandrapinchedmysandwich you are a good friend and if it was me I would have done the same. It's not overstepping when you care.

I presume she is flying to the Caribbean and then getting on her cruise from there.

Will she be expecting you to run the go fund me page when she can't pay her medical bills??

I was taken ill in America 17 years ago. A short ride in an ambulance, a scan and one night stay cost $6000 not including the meds I needed which cost about $100 and were not covered by insurance for some reason, everything else was thankfully.

@ImustLearn2Cook most Caribbean cruises are fly to and from there and cruise just round the Caribbean.

Truthfully I am not completely sure why you are so invested in this. It's her body, her medical problem, her choice, her decision to not have insurance. I appreciate you care about her but in your friends position I think I would have found you crying and being so involved about it irritating too. I think you have over stepped here.

Give her some space. I am sure she'll come around and this won't be friendship ending.

@ViciousCurrentBun that may be true, however, there are ‘no fly cruise’ options available for Caribbean cruises leaving from Southampton.

The Op has not once stated nor confirmed that her friend is taking a flight against medical advice.

worse case she could be refused life saving treatment leaving behind her 9 year old ds

Really? Really? Refused life saving treatment and die? Do cruises really go to places where hcp refuse life saving treatment when faced with a stricken traveller?

And are you fluent in insurance Co T&C? Sure, she has not declared an existing condition but do you know for sure the currency of ‘against medical advice’ ?

YANBU, it's really irresponsible of her. Also how on earth do people still not know they should take insurance out the day you book the holiday, you can take out single trip insurance still but it just means you are covered for cancellation.

I have seen 2 gofundmes recently for people who haven't taken suitable (or any) insurance out. One was particularly awful involving an extremely sick child. There really is no excuse, the need for insurance is publicised a lot.

Brain abscess.

Ear infections can spread and cause a problem in the brain. A friend of mine had this when they flew with an ear infection. Ends up having brain surgery. They have never been the same. It was over 20 years ago

YANBU. She is being stupid - and actually quite selfish.

I also can't imagine having ear problems and dizziness combined with sea sickness. 🤢

You are suppose to be her mate. She didn't ask your opinion she just wanted you on a holiday she's clearly keen to do for the right reasons.

Insurance is a shit reason to not go. Make sure she knows you can't bail her out if it goes wrong and if she's happy taking the risk, do it.

Oh please. What a nasty thing to say. It's really obvious to me and most people that OP is just very concerned about the friend flying against firm medical advice not to.

YABU. You said her doctor advised her not to fly which she's not. And you don't know the details of her insurance so can't say for certainty that she's uninsurable, I doubt that's true - she might just have to pay a higher premium. And it's her life and her decision.

Yup, I'd have done the same too.

I find that a bit controlling 'I can act how I want because I care' mentioning it once may be caring going but turning it into your (op) drama and having a god complex is controlling

and yes we only have one side

Personally I cannot imagine as a mother flying against Dr orders with the risks. But she's a grown woman free to make choices even bad ones. I cannot imagine with the situation flying. It can get painful with out pre existing ear issues. Sadly I think while your heart is I'm the right place you need to let it go.

Risk of burst eardrum (mentioned by a pp) is a middle ear problem. Painful, not serious or life threatening.
Inner ear problem is a different kettle of fish, risk of brain abscess, permanent deafness or death.
There seems to be some confusion around the anatomy of the ear here. If she does have an inner ear condition she is not being sensible.
In any event, insurance will not cover any pre-existing condition or associated complications. Failure to declare all medical history invalidates the policy.
OP, your intentions were good. She is angry because she knows she is taking a big risk. But she is an adult and she has made her decision. Just apologise for upsetting her and step back..