Best friend fallen out with me over her holiday. wibu?

[sandrapinchedmysandwich]

Best friend "Lisa" turns 40 this year and has booked a Caribbean cruise as a once in a lifetime holiday. She goes in 3 weeks.

She has had inner ear problems for a long time, had an unsuccessful op a few months ago and is currently awaiting more surgery. Her consultant has forbidden her from flying as the condition has worsened and could affect her brain.

She is refusing to cancel the holiday and wouldnt listen when I tried to tell her that any insurance policy will be invalid if she is travelling against medical advice. And factoring in that she will be on a flaming cruise means any claim could cost hundreds of thousands or worse case she could be refused life saving treatment leaving behind her 9 year old ds

She flipped earlier calling me selfish and saying I am jealous. I admit I cried a bit and said I was just worried. And now she isn't speaking to me.

She is usually so sensible. I thought she might not have realised but she has known all along and is still taking the risk.

Should I have not said anything? Lisa can hold a grudge so this may be it for our longstanding friendship and its very sad.

I didn't say anything bad. I merely pointed out that her insurance will be invalid and she may not get treatment unless she can pay upfront. Which is all true. I genuinely thought she must not know this. But she did and that's when she got angry.

Get ready for a request to set up a GoFundMe page!

Came to say exactly this. 100%.

I don't think she has contacted the cruise company about rescheduling. I don't know if she would consider this. I think she is just wearing blinkers now. She is going and that's that

It sounds like she was either being defensive or facing into the disappointment that she can't go and taking it out on you. Oftentimes we lash out at this to whom we are closest. I'd step away from this exact discussion now and leave her to do what she wants, but I wouldn't end a 25 year friendship over it.

Again, it’s literally none of your business

I think it depends how forceful you were in the way you said it.

If you just told her what you thought and left it at that, then YWNBU - you've said your piece, discovered she'd already considered those points and so it's her decision.

However, if you were so concerned that you wouldn't let it go and kept on and on at her when she told you to drop it, then yes, you might have BU.

She’s a bit daft but you’ve said your piece and that’s it really.
she probably knows she stands to lose her money if she cancels as she didn’t declare it when trying to get insurance.
so it’s go and hope for the best; or not go and lose lots of money

Yes you have already said that. And I disagree. She is my best friend and I love her. The alternative outcome could have been that she had no idea that any insurance policy would not cover her and she could have decided to postpone until after her surgery. I would rather say something than have her put herself in a dangerous situation she may not have been aware of. I am sure if one of your loved ones was potentially putting themselves at risk you wouldn't say "none of my business". Surely you would at least try to have a conversation?

Id probably reach out to her in a day or two and just say something like

"Hey, how are you? Look I'm sorry if what I said the other day was over stepping. It was coming from a place of genuine concern for you and I obviously wouldn't have said anything if I thought it would upset you. I hope you understand and we can move on"

That way you're acknowledging that her feelings were hurt(?), that you possibly overstepped and that her reaction was disproportionate without being too direct.

If she comes back and apologizes as well then hurray, if not, you know she doesn't really care about hurting your feelings and you can step away from her.

My Grandma had an AVM and was told she couldn't fly or she'd risk a brain haemorrhage. She wanted to go on her honeymoon to Mexico (remarried at 85!) so went anyway. A couple of days later she had a stroke and died. My mum has never forgiven her for it and feels she was selfish. I think at 85 why not live for today. But the point is I think you need to let your friend do what she wants, I'll advised or not. But to do so in recognition of the possible consequences, which you've made her aware of. If she goes you should call her on return and ask her how it was and say you hope she had a wonderful time.

So all that happens, and would she come to you straight away and say this is your fault? She is an adult she could enter into this at her own risk.

tell her once. Let her listen. Walk away

And agree with this approach for immediate handling.

She might just be in denial, when it comes to it, she won’t undertake two flights,,she’s likely v upset as she knows she’s going to lose her trip. And her money,

however the fact she had to say you were jealous and you were angry crying tells me you didn’t just say this as you are making out, you pushed her too hard,and she’s reacted badly,

She is not making thr right decision but your reaction is weird

You have mentioned it now leave her to it, you are not her mother

Yup

Yes it's an awful situation to be in. She has wanted to do this for such a long time. It is very much a once in a lifetime trip for her. I didn't go on. I have been trying to gather the courage to say something for the last few days as I was only aware then that actually she is travelling against medical advice. I was very conscious that people often shoot the messenger but was hoping she would realise that it is just concern. It backfired massively.

The friendship isn't over for me. I will need to apologise for upsetting her tomorrow I guess and hope now she has calmed down she realises that it wasn't jealousy speaking.

I do wonder if your friend posted about this episode if she’d describe it just as you said. You just politely explaining the issue with insurance, her madly lashing out,calling you jealous , you angry crying, when all you’d done is explained the insurance,

or would she describe it very differently and you not quite so innocent.

Thank you. This is exactly what I am going to do. Your wording is perfect

She's probably very upset about the situation and in denial. She's trying to convince herself that everything will be fine and you've burst her bubble so she's lashed out. You were absolutely right to raise these concerns with her.

She sounds like a fucking idiot. I wouldn't be apologising.

All you can do is warm her, then leave her to it.and it's not your responsibility.

I've lost count of the number of idiots people I've warned to not ride scooters or motorbikes in Asia (they've mentioned it in conversation) as it's not covered by insurance. There's also almost weekly Go Fund Me pleas in the news for someone whose had a serious or fatal accident, but people still persist in doing it.

If she doesn't want your opinion and support then she shouldn't have told you want the doctor said.

Maybe she was over dramatising what she was told and you've picked up on it!

I don't know. You would have to ask her. I didn't "angry cry" as you put it. I do cry when I am angry but the crying itself is not angry. She accused me of being jealous when she should know better than that. I literally said that her insurance would be invalid and she may not get treatment for anything if she cant prove she can pay for it. And then she got pissed at me. In hindsight she probably did know and was angry that I was reinforcing what she already knew. Like I said before. This holiday is a huge deal for her and has been a dream for a long time. I feel desperately sorry for her as it seems very unfair. The timing is shit. But like I said earlier. I will apologise and hope she is OK when she goes. Because the alternative is pretty darn scary

Of course you are not being unreasonable. As you said she's being incredibly daft as repatriation from a foreign country is expensive, never mind if she has to do it from a ship - ouch! Expensive !!

As for her getting cross at you, leave her to it now. You know if your comments came from a place of jealousy or concern, be comfortable with that and she can apologise when she's ready