Does the UK begrudge success?

[Viohh]

Just interested in having a conversation really.

My parents were children of Indian (Sikh) immigrants who worked in factories then eventually owned shops. My own parents themselves forgave holidays, nice clothes etc to send their kids to private schools (also corner shop owners). As a family of 5 we lived in a 2 bed flat until I was 16. We did go to private school. I remember the envy I felt of classmates’ houses when we went on play dates. I always went to after school club. Often the last to be picked up.

Fast forward, I’m now a consultant at a big 4 firm. One brother is a pilot and the other is a doctor. Many assume I come from privilege and only the super rich can send children to private schools. The way I was raised has left a lot of psychological damage which current society almost dismisses.

Just wondering if anyone has gone through similar hardships which now is retrospectively being dressed up as ‘privilege’ in modern society.

only the super rich can send their children to private schools, and no, why would "the UK begrudge success"?

Yes there is generally simmering resentment and people will say all sorts of nonsense to try and justify why x person is more successful than them. I earn an average wage in an average job that adds an average (if that even) amount of value to society; I don't begrudge those who have invested time and money into studying and working in stressful jobs with high levels of responsibility earning a decent wage. You tend to get well I work hard too but am on minimum wage, as if the self investment, sacrifice, skill level and responsibility of a retail worker is the same as a doctor therefore how dare doctors want to be paid more.

I think it boils down to jealousy but also that many conflate people saying x career is worth more than y as saying the person doing it is worth more which isn't the case. Sure there are fundamental societal issues and challenges for many that hold them back, but there's very much a race to the bottom in this country which is particularly unsavoury, especially as few are interested in helping change these factors.

I hated my childhood. The financial pressures we experienced as children were overwhelming.

But as much as I try to contextualise my childhood, people in my life want to characterise my upbringing as privileged where the sacrifices are massively under appreciated. This is off the back of conversations where I’ve had to almost accept I was well off as a child (in fundamental love I’ve I was).

My own parents themselves forgave holidays, nice clothes etc to send their kids to private schools (also corner shop owners).

There are millions of families who never go on holiday, live in over-crowded accommodation and would still never even be able to consider private school.

Surely you must know that?

No, I don’t think people here begrudge success. What many of us object to is ostentation.

Your parents appear to have made huge sacrifices for their children. That is to be applauded and is much to be grateful for. Enjoy your success, it sounds like you fully deserve it

I’m hoping to hear from those that similarly grew up under horrible circumstances but are now almost being forced to accept the label of being privileged.

This is a myth often peddled on here. Not every child in private school is super rich.

I'm a single parent, live in social housing and earn a below average income, topped up by UC and my child attends a private school on a 50% scholarship and bursary.

My friend and her husband earned average incomes and stayed in the flat they bought many years before children so they could send their sons to private school. They didn’t have a holiday for a decade, shared a car that was taped together and had both boys in one bedroom until they left secondary school.

People don't hate success. What people hate is the scurge the rich and privlidged have on our society. It's not that people can't be successful that's fine. But looking at the state of the country, people from privlidged backgrounds eg cabinet or many MPs, these types do a lot of damage to ordinary people. It's not about jealousy or anything like that for m. Hth.

@Viohh There seems a general sentiment that those who are successful must be humbled, so you get a variety of- ‘humble brag / making things up / mind your privilege and other resentful things.

see, I would class you both as super rich. it is normal for the super rich to not see themselves as super rich. By definition, if you can pay half of the school fees of an independent school you are super rich.

But lots of super rich people have no idea how normal people live

You are privileged in one sense. You were privately educated. That does not mean you were treated well, or were happy though. It sounds like you were very unhappy for whatever reason. I am sorry about that. I have known many privileged people be unhappy - the two are not mutually exclusive.

Your thread title bears absolutely no resemblance to your actual OP. You might have had more of the replies you were looking for if you'd worded it correctly.

50% scholarship and 50% bursary. I pay £15 annual insurance.

I wouldn’t mind being rich though.

You only need to spend 5 minutes on mumsnet to realise that a great many people do begrudge others success.

I have a few friends from similar backgrounds (child of aspirational immigrant parents) who report a similar experience of a very tough childhood due to their parents (well meaning but difficult) approach to parenting to ensure the career success of their kids.

TBH I imagine most people have experience of knowing families like this, so would probably empathise with your position if you explained it!

o you are not paying anything, that is different, I thought you were paying half the fees

Who is making you feel this way though? Strangers (in which case how do they know your background)? Co-workers? 'Friends'? I have no clue about the educational and personal background of strangers or people I work with, and friends I choose to spend time and emotional energy on because I want to; I'd be upset if they were judging.

It's probably more valuable to try and address your feelings around your childhood- sounds like there's lots of unwrap. It's also not unusual to feel a sense of guilt if you out earn what your parents did even though they worked exceptionally hard and sacrificed; but evidently they did this so you could succeed and this is making their sacrifices worth it.

I experienced DV. We lived in a pressure cooker. I hate having to accept this characterisation of my childhood as privileged.

I think you are worrying about semantics. privileged does not mean happy, or not abused,. You can be both. Lots of very privileged children are horrendously neglected.

Yes, people harbour resentment and bitterness for anyone that they perceive has even one iota more success than they do or have more than them. They dress it up as something else and use gaslighting to make the other feel bad about their success and that they haven’t worked hard to get there. They act like somehow the successful person doesn’t deserve the success they’ve worked for. This behaviour is especially reserved for successful women.

You’ll get loads of replies of ‘poor people work hard too’ and ‘poor people don’t have holidays either’ blah blah blah……Success should be celebrated, especially female success but the British public seems to have developed this overwhelmingly negative outlook on life and everything is a race to the bottom, not the top. It’s a population wide victim mentality and it’s infuriating.

Im similar, I guess, privileged in some ways, but not in others. You can be both

If your parents could afford to send 3 children to private school they were well off.

Why are you so bothered about being seen as privileged? You were in a sense.

I'm really sorry to hear this op. Think some of things which are worth thinking about are the difference between individual experiences and overall privlidge within society of belonging to a certain group or class.

I also think this is where taking an intersectional approach to privlidge is crucial. For example somone could be from a very privlidged background in terms of education but mental issues or a disability. However we can't know this when we meet somone or think about a certain group.

So we do me assumptions, which have their uses and limitations...

What were the actual.horrible circumstances? Was it a small flat/no holidays or something else? It doesn't sound horrendous which is why I think we're missing some info...

Sorry just seen your update.

Yes their is a lack of nuance when it comes to privilege discourse.

Many don’t care though.

Just feeling sorry for my 6 yo self. Remembering being dragged by my hair by a stressed father coming home from his second job and finding a small mess on the living room floor (after being left alone).

You can be privileged in some ways and neglected in others.

What you experienced is awful, of course.