Does the UK begrudge success?

[Viohh]

Just interested in having a conversation really.

My parents were children of Indian (Sikh) immigrants who worked in factories then eventually owned shops. My own parents themselves forgave holidays, nice clothes etc to send their kids to private schools (also corner shop owners). As a family of 5 we lived in a 2 bed flat until I was 16. We did go to private school. I remember the envy I felt of classmates’ houses when we went on play dates. I always went to after school club. Often the last to be picked up.

Fast forward, I’m now a consultant at a big 4 firm. One brother is a pilot and the other is a doctor. Many assume I come from privilege and only the super rich can send children to private schools. The way I was raised has left a lot of psychological damage which current society almost dismisses.

Just wondering if anyone has gone through similar hardships which now is retrospectively being dressed up as ‘privilege’ in modern society.

Op,
Perhaps, for you, the DV outweighs all the privileges you did have. Private school, parental support, secure housing, no hunger, good health?, etc and that is ok. It is ok to admit, yes I had these handful of privileges but taken as whole, I was not that privileged. Or even to think that the privilege you had was not worth the stress and DV that likely centred on how much they do/did for you.

When we think about privilege it can be hard to fully comprehend all those less privileged than yourself because we usually look up, we usually notice those with more privilege than ourselves. I think it is human nature to be aspirational.

I think you are worrying about semantics. privileged does not mean happy, or not abused,. You can be both. Lots of very privileged children are horrendously neglected.

This

I resent the idea I grew up privileged.

But who is telling you that you're priveledged? Why are you letting it affect your life this much?

I think here in the UK we have a very limited vision of what success means. Most see it as being wealthy, educated, financially secure, famous even, but that doesn't mean a thing if your unhappy. Happiness is the key to success.
Many so called successful people didn't have a private education ,but they had the drive, the vision and the faith to get on and achieve what they did. Luck also plays a part.
Most of us had complex childhoods, the secret is to learn, grow and heal from it. We are not responsible for our childhoods, but we are responsible for how we heal ourselves. I have long forgiven my parents, not for their sake, but mine.

I had a pretty tough upbringing but on one hand was financially privileged which has improved my lot today so I’m more privileged then the person who had a tough upbringing without any financial benefit.

There’s also a lack of social mobility in the UK and younger generations are disproportionately impacted by high housing costs which is wrong. And a lot of people don’t like to recognise their privilege.

I have 2 parents who gave a shit about me. That itself was the privilege. Have never/will never deny that.

I agree with previous posters who have highlighted the level of inequality that exists in the UK and that this leads to resentment.

I don't actually have a problem with people being wealthy, not at all. That would be hypocritical - I own my home outright, have substantial savings, have been able to foster a young person and set them up with savings the same as my own DC who regard them as a sibling. I need to work, but I'm financially comfortable. I also grew up with loving parents and even though I had a hellish few years with an alcohol dependent husband, that's all in the past now so I'm pretty privileged.

What I do find difficult to deal with is people who think that it's possible for everyone to drag themselves up from poverty like that, and that if they do not manage it that is because they are feckless, lazy, incapable. If there is resentment of the privileged and the wealthy then this is dwarfed by the resentment of those who are poor and need support. What I see most in the UK is resentment of anyone who has more than someone else. And it's worse if both parties are not rich. The race to the bottom seems to be a UK invention. People have forgotten that comparison is the thief of joy.

I feel like that was more of an explanation than a dig.

It's not the responsibility of those around you now to pity the child you were then, horrible as your childhood was OP. On the surface, yes, you probably do look and sound privileged.

The only thing you can control and change is yourself and your own emotions - and it sounds like therapy would help you (and your siblings) if they feel the same way.

I think many people do resent wealth rather than success . There are plenty of wealthy people who aren't wealthy via their own efforts but have inherited large amounts or inherited businesses etc . I do think though that your post smacks a bit of the 'if you never have holidays and basic living' you too could send your kids to private school-- which given the costs involved isn't the case for most of the population. Even those who are only paying 50% - that would still be about £16k a year if you have a couple of children-

Your post is about being educationally privileged whilst also emotionally abused and dv by both parents towards you. Yet you excuse your father due to the stress and appear to be trying to excuse them again with your title, which is nothing to do with your childhood.
You are successful and did go to private school. Many kids who went to private school were richer than you. Almost all I know were emotionally neglected, especially boarders. But you are confused because you say it was he'll om earth thrn you felt overwhelmed with love but your mum didn't want you? Very muddled.

@pointythings yep- I agree on that . I've had nasty digs on Twitter of the 'it's ok for you, you live in Bath' - yep- we don't own and pay a fair whack to do so, but chose that over things that other people might prioritise - some of the people saying these things undoubtedly have more on paper than we do

I think you should go and spend some time in a council estate, or in a woman's shelter. Volunteer at a secondary school where children turn up hungry and their free lunch is the only meal they will eat that day.
You were, and still are, incredibly privileged thanks to your incredibly hard working and dedicated parents.

Just agreeing with others that to go to private school in the 80's/90's you didn't need to be particularly wealthy/privileged. When I was a child, my parents paid £3k a year for my schools fees - private education was far more accessible. I now pay £25k a year for each of my own DC, which you absolutely do need to privileged to pay. Once VAT gets added on, we're looking at £30k a year (each), which will just make private education even more the preserve of the super wealthy.

If people are judging your background based on current levels of fees they will assume you came from a very well off family, but it's not how it used to be.

You think saying the UK begrudges success is an explanation?

Privilege is a subjective thing. My dh grew up very poor but managed to build a successful business from scratch by himself with minimal education from a rubbish school and no family money at all. This is often brought up when people speak to him, how well he did to drag himself up out of that. He always replies that he has only fond memories of a fantastic childhood because he was warm, fed and had parents who loved him.

To me a private school education doesn’t cancel out a miserable and at times abusive childhood. Being at a private school may even have made op feel worse in comparison to her peers, most of who would have had a much happier existence. Yes op had opportunities that many of us don’t and has thankfully made the best of them, but it seems she would rather have had a more peaceful childhood and I don’t think it’s fair for us to undermine her experience by insisting that she is in fact privileged when she clearly doesn’t feel like that.

I was talking about op saying that Indians don’t go nc. I didn’t see anything in the above quotes about the UK begrudging success but please do point out if I’ve missed it.

I am not from the UK, when I first moved here and was having lessons to improve my English I was told by my teacher that ambition is frowned upon in the UK

Yes, there is begrudgery of success.

You see it very plainly in the assertion that it's ostentation that the British don't like. In other words, you can be successful, but if you don't downplay your success and pretend you're plugging along like everyone else, you're the tall poppy that must be cut down. And also, if you have a lovely house and lifestyle, large disposable income, you don't have to work, and your children are straight arrows, there must be some secret shame or sorrow behind closed doors. Your husband is an alcoholic or has a mistress or your brother whom you never have anything to do with is a rough sleeper, etc.

If you decide to push your children academically, either by choosing a private school or somehow moving to an area where the state schools / grammars are good, because you think they are capable of getting into great universities and moving on to well-paid careers, there are mutterings of 'sharp elbows'. People who don't know their place make Britons uncomfortable. My Irish friends and relatives living in Britain have certainly experienced the thin end of that particular wedge.

The acceptance of success is the part of American culture that baffles a lot of Britons the most, in my observation.

I think part of the problem is that the word ‘privileged’ has been hijacked as an insult and used to shut people up and silence them.

Even on here, some people are minimising the fact that the OP was physically and psychologically abused as a child….but it’s ok because she was ‘privileged’ to go to a private school…so she should simply shut up about the horrible aspects of her life? That’s what the word is being used for now…… The OP is allowed to dislike being labelled that by people that have no idea what her life was like…who have simply assumed something based on their own cognitive biases.

I find not very bright people with no class consciousness are the ones who think it's about ambition and success. Rather than the multitude of inequality which is caused by privlidge.

Yes imo there is a huge resentment of other people’s success in the UK and a massive under estimation of how hard many people have had to work to get there. I far prefer the positivity of the USA in this regard. There success is seen as something to admire and celebrate.

I mean culturally and socially in terms of inequality the USA is even more of a mess than here. But yay they are positive! How embarrassing you can't make those connections.

I had a shit childhood yet I can still acknowledge the privilege that I have (white privilege). People who can't acknowledge this stuff are ignorant. It doesn't mean that everything in your life is great, it just means that you have advantages in some areas.

Agree absolutely with all of that.

The pie comment is especially astute.

It's baffling. I grew up in a country where a politician once asserted when the country was very poor that the rising ride would lift all boats, and he was right. It's quite different from the common British whack a mole theory of how an economy works.