To be hurt about DH and mothers day

[Dayzychains]

Long time lurker. First time poster.

I am mum to a 3 month old baby and I lost my own mum 2 months ago. A couple of days ago, my husband asked me about how I felt about mothers day, and would I be up for a meal with his mum.

I have a lovely relationship with my MIL. She is wonderful and a lovely grandma to our baby. However, I really don't feel up to going out for a meal to celebrate mothers day, given how raw my loss currently feels.

I said I doubted I would be up for it and I became quite tearful. My husband apologised for bringing it up but said he felt it would be better for me to come out rather than sit home alone with the baby, as he feels its important I celebrate my first mothers day, however I feel more like a bereaved daughter than I do a new mum.

I'm a little hurt that he hasn't considered possibly just seeing his mum, giving her a present and maybe taking her out for a meal.another day - SIL could still take MIL out on the day itself. I'm still very traumatised by my mums death, however I realise my feelings may be unreasonable as I'm not his mum and his mum does deserve to be spoiled on MD. I've not said anything and have said I'm more than happy for him to take his lovely mum out, as I do feel that my feelings may be irrational.

What would you expect your husband to do in this case?

He needs to realise it's Mothers' day, not Grandmothers' Day.

I think he does realise its Mother's day otherwise this thread wouldn't exist.

Oh God @MoonWoman69, that’s just awful. So, so sorry that happened to you. 💐

I think you should think about going too. I don't think you should be thinking you should 'enjoy' it as such as it will be a day of lots of mixed emotions. It sounds like everyone will be understanding.

We had a family member die on the same day as one of our birthdays and have had a few 'mixed emotion's' days. It's ok to be sad and and grieve and to celebrate and be happy all at the same time. We've really embraced this and I think it's healthy. We have a reminisce and a one minute and we are laughing the next.

I think you might find it tiring though so might warn people that you might leave early.

If you stop your husband going then I think you might regret it on the day as you sound like you think he should go.

Does your husband go,out to work?

Everyone saying "He could just miss THIS Mother's Day with his Mother" but what if THIS Mother's Day becomes THE LAST Mother's Day?

We almost never know which one will be THE LAST

Then he'd end up resenting OP for denying him that last celebration

OP I'm sorry for your loss - Mother's Day is a big thing for all the Mums in our family and my Nan died just before so I understand how hard it is and with a new baby as well, emotions are all over the place.

But I don't think DH did anything wrong. He asked you gently, had considered your feelings, and isn't forcing you. A 3 hour meal isn't that bad really.

Well I wouldn't want to be celebrating with MIL, nor would I want to be without my baby (unless he was going to do a quick drop off of card & present).

For my first MD without my mum we all spent it with my dad apart from the short visit my husband made to Mil..

Best solution is he brings baby and you get day home alone peace.
Know he said about baby with you got mother Day but explain to him this is nonsense that baby is with you every day for a mother's day treat you would like to be alone resting for few hours.
Note I don't celebrate 'days' other then Birthday & Christmas.
Kids enjoy making cards I accept them gladly but think it sufficient to leave it at that. Sounds stressful & expensive adults getting each other meals and gifts.

Then he'd end up resenting OP for denying him that last celebration
Not necessarily. I missed part of the last Christmas with both my grandparents as I went to be with DH then my BF, who was alone on Christmas Day for various reasons. I don't regret being there for someone I loved in the slightest. My DGP had to each other and the rest of the family.
If he resented his own wife for needing a bit of looking after when she's in such pain, even as he himself found out what that pain felt like... Not a good man or a good marriage.

You need to be really honest with your husband about all your feeling or you will end up lashing out without meaning to. Your husband can't possibly understand how you feel until he goes through the same so try to explain as best you can. How hard it is having to schedule grief with a child, the overwhelming sadness, how memories just hit you when you don't expect, how you love talking about her but it makes you sad and how you try paint a smile on your face because you don't want to bring the mood down. It can all be suffocating . There's so many layers to grief and what your dealing with will change over time. I had to navigate grandparents day at school last week such a lovely day but I really struggled with not having her there. Just to add on my first mothers day I planted two sunflowers one for the grave and one to keep at home. I've found some comfort in watching them grow x

As a mum of grown children and a grandmother I would hate to think that my death caused so much pain and suffering for my loved ones. I would want you to celebrate being a new mum- you’re doing an amazing job and you need to nurture the relationships you have with your family. If I was your mum I’d tell you that I love you so so much but that you need to be able to build your new life up not hang on to me and the past. It would break my heart to have you alone on Mother’s Day rather than spending it with your family and your baby being enjoyed by everyone and you getting a nice meal and some adult company.
I am so so sorry for your loss and I am sure that your mum was an amazing woman- but I am also sure as a mum that my goal in life is for my kids to be happy and if and when I die I want to be remembered by life and activity going on and people saying “oh wouldn’t mum like this or that or thank goodness mum isn’t here as she’d hate this!” But life needs to go on.

So take a little time on Mother’s Day to thank your mum for the life she gave you and the love she showed you- then go out with your family and share that love and that baby (who is part of your mum) around and celebrate yourself too.

I completely understand why you don't feel up to Mother's Day, but I don't think your husband's done anything wrong or insensitive. He asked you kindly whether you'd be up to it, and he's also made it clear that he's worried about you being home on your own on your first Mother's Day as a mum.

You are recently bereaved and you have also recently had a baby, so you've been through two huge and stressful events in a very short space of time. It's completely understandable that you don't want to do anything, but it's also completely understandable that your DH is concerned about you spending the day at home and would like to find a way for you to feel like a mum yourself. Ultimately you should do whatever you feel is best for you, but I don't think your DH is being crass here; I think it's just that everything feels very raw for you right now.

I disagree with other posters who are saying that your DH shouldn't be doing anything with his mum on Mother's Day. She doesn't stop being a mother herself because her son's wife is a mother now as well.

@Dayzychains you've been through a lot in the last few month. Having a baby and your mum dying are both huge and trumatic life events. I think your husband needs to take the baby and give you a bit if time to grieve and space to think. He can spend time with his mum and everyone can make a fuss of the baby. I think its your mother's day as well and you deserve the day you need as well.

On another note, you need to put the baby down to wee, shower and eat. I know it's totally against our natural instincts but for self care, as long as they are in a safe space and you've met all their needs, sometimes babies just need to cry, Also, a baby carrier, if you haven't got one already, is a godsend. It made a huge difference to have free hands, it keeps baby upright if they are acidy and helps get the wind out.

I’m sorry for your loss OP ❤
I lost my mum when I was a child and still find MD extremely tough. I’ve been a mum for 13 years but I would still rather the day did not exist.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling your oh what you wish that day would look like for your family. If my dil lost her mum I wouldn’t dream of having her celebrate me or be left alone all day. I think it’s rubbish oh hasn’t considered skipping the family lunch just this once to support the mother of his child who is overwhelmed and grieving. I’m sure that’s an oversight rather than not caring though, so please tell him.

Sending big hugs to you xx

OP, do you have the sort of relationship with your MIL where you can say that you're feeling sad and awful in general? She sounds lovely and like the type who will tell her DS straight out to prioritise you if you did.

Also, don't expect him to treat you like you'd treat him. Sometimes people need to be told what's wanted and then, to be fair to them, they generally do it without quibble. But they absolutely need to be told.

If I was your MIL I would be horrified that my son was leaving his bereaved wife and mother of his child on her first Mother’s Day , and would be telling him that you are his priority now

This is a kindly meant post but please don't add a layer of "what would your mum have wanted" on to OPs emotional load. She's got a tiny baby who is currently extremely hard work and hasn't had time to begin to process or heal.
She needs and wants time and space to feel and think for herself, not to be told that yet again it's not about her and she must paint a smile on and soldier on.
She's asked for what she needs and her husband has decided not to provide it on the one day that absolutely should be about her.

Could you go to your Mum's grave early in the morning, maybe take your baby with you? Then your DH could make you a nice lunch and then go to see his Mum after your lunch. Maybe join his Mum for pudding and drinks afterwards.

But how do you ever make decisions about anything if you think like that all the time? You'd be constantly with your parents and forget to actually live your life! Plus, unless mil is ill and there is good reason to think it's her last, you might as well say what if it's OPs last (only!) Mother's day?! Do you refuse to ever see your in laws at Christmas just in case it is you healthy relatives last one?

As long as you have had a good relationship with a family member and spent plenty of time with them generally, why would you feel guilty about one particular day? He can make it up to her another day (or can he only get together when it's a specific occasion and his sister has arranged it...).

If he resented his own wife for needing a bit of looking after when she's in such pain, even as he himself found out what that pain felt like... Not a good man or a good marriage.

Grief isn't logical though. And it's easy to then pick up and latch on to something to resent, illogically as it may be, to channel that grief. It doesn't make him a bad person.
I resent certain things which took me away from certain Lasts with deceased family. I know they aren't logical things to resent but it doesn't stop it being there

I don't think he should leave you and go to lunch with his mum. Especially as he has siblings so it's not as if MIL will be on her own. I'd suggest he goes to his mum with the baby in the morning and then back home for lunch and afternoon with you.

Yeah, my parents specifically told me in advance they weren't expecting to see me on DHs first fathers day without my dad, and that was 6 months after he died, with an 18 month old dd, so a less emotional time for DH than OP is having. We had a lovely day out just the three of us. I've spent plenty of time with my dad before and since, but we all understood that wasn't the best day for me to spend with him.

I'm also a little surprised at the comments here.

I think he can see his mum on another day (I'm sure MIL would understand). You're also a mum and I think you should maybe take priority now, especially under these circumstances.

I'm really sorry for your loss OP, I can't imagine how difficult this just all be for you.

I would expect my husband to celebrate his mother on mother's day. He's invited you along, and you really don't have to decide right now whether you want to go or not.

But I'll be clear that I find it odd when people expect their partner to make a fuss of them on mothers day or fathers day rather than their actual parents. Not saying that's what you're doing, just explaining my position.

It's not just 3 hours

Well the baby can't do it yet can they?

It's going to be years before anything can be organised by the child/ren

So what happens till then?

Firstly, so sorry for your loss. Coping with that and a tiny baby must be difficult, and it sounds like you’re doing so much and looking out for everyone before yourself. I understand completely what you mean when you say you don’t want to have to spell it out to your DH, I am the same in situations where I need support sometimes and know that he would drop everything for me in a second but I just want him to know what I want from him without prompting.
Maybe I’m cynical but DH feeling it important that baby stays with you on Mother’s Day seems like an excuse for him to get out and not have to worry about a fussy baby etc., baby doesn’t understand that it’s a special day and you can love your baby with every bit of your soul but still need a break, especially with a colicky little one on a day that’s so painful for you.

i think you need to chat to him and just emphasize what you need from him. He doesn’t need to go for an hours-long meal, and I’m sure if MIL is really lovely she would be appalled he left you home with a fussy baby so he could come and drink. There’s plenty of days for him to celebrate her, he can drop a card in and stay for 10 mins then come back to his wife who needs him.