To be hurt about DH and mothers day

[Dayzychains]

Long time lurker. First time poster.

I am mum to a 3 month old baby and I lost my own mum 2 months ago. A couple of days ago, my husband asked me about how I felt about mothers day, and would I be up for a meal with his mum.

I have a lovely relationship with my MIL. She is wonderful and a lovely grandma to our baby. However, I really don't feel up to going out for a meal to celebrate mothers day, given how raw my loss currently feels.

I said I doubted I would be up for it and I became quite tearful. My husband apologised for bringing it up but said he felt it would be better for me to come out rather than sit home alone with the baby, as he feels its important I celebrate my first mothers day, however I feel more like a bereaved daughter than I do a new mum.

I'm a little hurt that he hasn't considered possibly just seeing his mum, giving her a present and maybe taking her out for a meal.another day - SIL could still take MIL out on the day itself. I'm still very traumatised by my mums death, however I realise my feelings may be unreasonable as I'm not his mum and his mum does deserve to be spoiled on MD. I've not said anything and have said I'm more than happy for him to take his lovely mum out, as I do feel that my feelings may be irrational.

What would you expect your husband to do in this case?

But I'll be clear that I find it odd when people expect their partner to make a fuss of them on mothers day or fathers day rather than their actual parents. Not saying that's what you're doing, just explaining my position.

By the same token I find it odd when adults expect a fuss from their adult kids year after year.

I get that.
When my DS was stillborn I had a burning, furious resentment of old people and the injustice of their long years when my baby never got to open his eyes. I also resented our bedding flowers for being alive and enjoying the sunshine when DS never got to do that. It passes as time brings some healing and you find your way to your new normal.
If the DH was to hold on to resentment that he looked after his wife in the past to the point where OP should consider this possible future resentment as a good reason why she shouldn't get the support she needs in the here and now, that's problematic.
I'd argue that OPs resentment at her treatment is more likely to be damaging in the long term.

Thank you. It was 2007 , but I still get flashbacks from time to time. Bereavement counselling was excellent for me, I'd recommend that to anyone ❤

If he goes for a meal, it means I'll be alone from lunchtime and probably won't see him until the next day, as his family go all out for mother's day and will probably have a long 3 hour meal and drinks out.

OP said in her post it would be 3 hours.

If she won't see him from lunchtime until the next day as quoted that's longer than 3h. The meal is expected to be 3h rather than that's how long he will be away for

He needs to realise it's Mothers' day, not Grandmothers' Day.

Weird argument @Bluetrews25 I think he knows that, hence he is wanting to see his mother on Mother's Day, not his grandmother.

Op I don't think you are being selfish.

And if you were-bloody hell you've got a very young baby & have just lost your mum.

If asking others not to leave you at that time for the sake of their own mum is selfish then I despair.

I mean the options aren't go with him or stay alone with baby.

He could not go or find some compromise.

OP's DH will not be out all night only until the evening..
Op has already said she goes to bed early with the baby that's why she won't see him until the next day.

Wow I'm amazed on the polling that it's almost 50/50 on the numbers- perhaps roughly 50% of people here are older mums who want to see their sons no matter what and 50% are those in OP's situation 😂

Genuinely can't understand how someone could think a normal run of the mill mother's day is more important than supporting one's wife and newborn baby at a stressful, upsetting time.

Spot on.

Given your loss is a recent one, for which I am very very sorry, I would not expect anything. I'd have to express my wishes. Should you prefer your DH to spend the day with you commemorating your own mother, I would hope that your MIL would understand his absence for one day and that DH would support you. He can take his mother out anytime. 😔

Unless she's going to bed at 5 pm (late lunch being 2pm) it will be longer than 3h!

Regardless it's a very long time to be left alone with a colicky baby on a very emotional day. I can't imagine many things worse than going to bed alone on such a difficult day. Whatever his plans for the day he should be home before she goes to bed regardless of the time!

Theres no right or wrong, each have different reasons.

Some may have a Mother that wants or will takes no thanks for help given to their DC so inturn they may see it as a day to say thank you for any help they have/are being given.

@Dayzychains I posted earlier about how as a mum of older adult children and a grandma I would want you to celebrate and enjoy the day as much as you could and not be alone. However another poster pointed out that I may be adding another layer of pressure on you and for that I apologise.
I do however think that your husband may be concerned about you being on your own and is clumsily trying to help. Would your MIL be kind enough to allow you to be sad or feel however you feel on the day should you go out with them? No pressure to paint a happy smile on- just a day to feel as you feel? But be with people who love you? And raise a toast to your mum. You are a bereaved daughter but you are also a mum, neither has to cancel the other out. 🌷

Still a lot longer than 3 hours, it’s well over half the day.

I don’t think you’re being at all unreasonable for expecting a bit of extra love & support on Mother’s Day! Especially not when it’s your first one as a mother, you’ve got a 3 month old and most importantly it’s the first one without your own beloved mother.

Of course his mother still matters and it sounds like you’ve got a great relationship with her. But IMO this is not the year for your husband to be going for a long boozy lunch with his family. It sounds like he raised the issue sensitively and would like it if you would go, but he should respect your wishes especially this year. I’m sure your MIL will recognise this.

He could quite easily visit his mum in the morning for an hour and come back to give you a break in the afternoon & support you visiting your mum’s grave. Hopefully he’ll realise this after you have a chat with him.

Not spot on actually. I’m firmly on @Dayzychains side and I suspect her Mil would be too if she was given the chance to give her opinion. I won’t be seeing my adult son on Mothers’ Day and it’s fine. I’m 70, by the way.

I think what has made me a bit more hurt is that he knows how chaotic things are at home. The baby needs to be held constantly and so it's impossible to eat anything other than a biscuit or piece of fruit with the baby and you have to hold the baby even when on the toilet, so it feels like my treat for.mothers day was being really sad and also absolutely fucking knackered, whereas he gets a nice meal out and is waited on on mother's day. I doubt he sees it this way however, so I think a good talk is needed.

OP @Dayzychains Why don't you let him take the baby with him for lunch. I don't see why he couldn't go for lunch and skip the drinks, to come back at a reasonable time to you. He could use the baby as an excuse. You could have some peaceful rest time to yourself - to do as you please. Sleep if you want to, visit your mum if that's what you want to do...my dream Mother's Day is being ALONE. You could do that too and just indulge yourself for a few hours, in whatever way you need. But unless you TELL him what you want to happen, you're not going to get it.

@Mnk711.
Don't forget we had one poster with multiple alias...

Firstly I’m so sorry for your loss. Whatever you do, be totally honest about what you want. Don’t tell him you don’t mind him going out with MIL if you want him to stay home with you. My DH is hopeless at reading between the lines!! If you tell him you don’t mind and he goes you’ll be upset with him but he won’t really have done anything wrong. Tell him what you want! X

There have been some really interesting posts on this thread from both sides but what's interesting is our ability to tell other women that their wants or needs don't matter. It comes so easy to us we probably dont even notice we are doing it. The OP was clear, she doesn't want to go for a long boozy lunch on mother's day and if her DH insists on going she at least wants him to take the baby so she can relax, reflect or whatever she wants to fill her time. Again, her baby is 3 months old and her mum died 2 months ago. She shouldn't even need to tell her DH that her needs should be a priority. He should be the one person in her world who at least puts her needs before his or his own mums just this one year. Just this year. So soon after becoming a first time mum and losing her own. Its sad that some posters are telling her to ignore her own feelings 2 MONTHS after losing her mum and put others first. She shouldn't have to.

Yanbu. I lost my dm at the end of 2022. Dh asked me what I wanted to do on Mother’s Day before he made any plans or suggestions (he did the same over Christmas too). As it happened I wanted us to see his dp’s (I’ve known dmil for many, many years and she was so lovely after the loss of my dm) but if I’d said I wanted to visit my dm’s grave instead or just have a quite day at home I know it would have been fine. You shouldn’t have to spell out what you want here, he shouldn’t have made any plans without asking your thoughts first. So much has happened and the loss is still so raw. You should be his priority.

I’m trying to think about this from your mil’s pov and to be honest I’d think I’d done a pretty shit job as a mother if my ds left his recently bereaved dw home alone with the baby to come and spend the day with me. Dropping off a card and gift is one thing, leaving your dw and child for most of the day to enjoy a leisurely lunch is entirely different. If your mil is as wonderful as you say I very much doubt this will even happen as she will likely be horrified and tell him to stop being ridiculous and take care of his own dw and child.

@DocOck she has asked and he conveniently feels that the baby should be with her on Mother's Day.

I agree with all of this wholeheartedly.
So many posters advocating being "kind" but the person most in need of kindness and bit of grace in all this is seemingly not worthy of kindness from her own husband.
I'm utterly appalled by some of these posts.

By the same token, this will undoubtedly be the only Mother’s Day where op has just lost her dm and has a newborn and he is happy to leave her home alone. I’d feel pretty resentful if this was my dh, particularly when he could see his dm on any other day.

When I lost my dm I felt desperately low. No one in real life knows just how bad it got. My dh thankfully was my rock but if he’d done something like this I genuinely may not have been posting on this thread right now. And I didn’t also have a newborn. I usually defend people seeing their own dp’s on Mother’s Day but in this case he should be with his dw and child. She needs him. And if the mil is as nice as op thinks I have no doubt that she would say exactly the same.