To be hurt about DH and mothers day

[Dayzychains]

Long time lurker. First time poster.

I am mum to a 3 month old baby and I lost my own mum 2 months ago. A couple of days ago, my husband asked me about how I felt about mothers day, and would I be up for a meal with his mum.

I have a lovely relationship with my MIL. She is wonderful and a lovely grandma to our baby. However, I really don't feel up to going out for a meal to celebrate mothers day, given how raw my loss currently feels.

I said I doubted I would be up for it and I became quite tearful. My husband apologised for bringing it up but said he felt it would be better for me to come out rather than sit home alone with the baby, as he feels its important I celebrate my first mothers day, however I feel more like a bereaved daughter than I do a new mum.

I'm a little hurt that he hasn't considered possibly just seeing his mum, giving her a present and maybe taking her out for a meal.another day - SIL could still take MIL out on the day itself. I'm still very traumatised by my mums death, however I realise my feelings may be unreasonable as I'm not his mum and his mum does deserve to be spoiled on MD. I've not said anything and have said I'm more than happy for him to take his lovely mum out, as I do feel that my feelings may be irrational.

What would you expect your husband to do in this case?

And drinks out and won't see him till the next day?

Exactly what you just posted!

I'm an older mother/mil/grandmother

In the past, Mothers' Day was alternate because shared with other MiL/s

Now I just say do what you'd like to do. See me or do your own family thing

I'm fully with the OP

??
Sorry my answer was based on the OP reply.
So I suppose it depends on what time she classes as lunchtime, early evening and what the time is when she goes to bed with baby.

*If he goes for a meal, it means I'll be alone from lunchtime and probably won't see him until the next day, as his family go all out for mother's day and will probably have a long 3 hour meal and drinks out.

That changes things a lot. I was imaging a couple of hours tops for a nice lunch. A three hour meal followed by drinks that go on to I assume the early hours if you're talking about not seeing him till the next day. That's moved straight into dick behaviour and that's regardless of you having lost your own mum. That's a dick move to be blithely out that long when you have a small baby.

Sorry it would only be until early evening but I go to bed with baby so it would mean next day still*

In these circumstances her opinion doesn't really matter in regards to op. Her DH shouldn't have to ask permission to put his wife first in these circumstances. Plenty of opportunities to see her in sat or take her for a coffee or breakfast.

OP your husband is being selfish. He's having a nice child free family lunch while you mind baby. Is it mother's day or fathers day.
You're being completely reasonable under the circumstances. He should bring baby to the lunch and your mother's day present will be to relax on your own or he comes back after 2 hours and spends the rest of the day pampering the mother of his child.
You need to make him see this.
You're perfectly entitled not to want to spend the day with mil but that doesn't mean he fs off and leaves you.

Tell him you would like him to take the baby so you can rest and be sad and grieve without upsetting the baby.

My first mothers day dh took the baby and went to is mum so I could sleep Baby didn't have a clue, granny got loads of cuddles and I slept, it was bliss

Removing the loss of your mum which ofcourse Has a huge impact and I'm very sorry.

But it very much reads that your DH hasn't twigged that HE'S responsible for your mother's day and not your 3 month old. Especially the comment about how it's important the baby is with you when you outright suggested taking the baby.

Is Baby arranging your card as well? I'm sorry but once your partner has your children they trump your own mum. In this instance it doesn't need to be either or.

He has massively got this wrong and more importantly in what you say about your MIL she might be the first person to point this out to him ON mother's day.

Well, nothing. It's supposed to be about the child(ren) appreciating their mother. I honestly don't see the point if its from your husband because you're not his mother.

Each to their own though. Appreciate we all approach things differently.

Maybe join his Mum for pudding and drinks afterwards.

I've been waiting until I'd finished reading the thread, to post that.

I don't know why this guy is getting so much flack. OP has made it clear that he's being supportive and his suggestion was tentative.

@Dayzychains I know you want him to come to the right decision by himself, but unfortunately even the most loving husband can't read your mind. And as you've said, what he would do and want in your position is different from what you want to do.

When you say that he said you should have the baby with you on Mother's Day, I read that as him thinking you'd offered something that you didn't really want. That you'd offered him the baby to take so that his mum saw him, as a gesture.

You both sound like lovely people, and you clearly love your in-laws. I'm glad that that you have them in your life.
But just talk to your DH. Explain that him going to part of the family get together and taking the baby with him will give you some quiet time alone to remember and grieve your mum.

I have a feeling that when you raise your needs and wants, you do so in a very mild manner that leaves lots of ambiguity.

Just tell him, be direct. Broken record.

I'm really sorry for your loss OP, that must have been shattering, especially given you were so newly postpartum.

My view is that you should be your husband's priority everyday, but especially this Mother's Day given your circumstances. I would have thought that MIL won't be expecting to see you on Mother's Day given your recent loss, and by association, your husband who will be supporting you.

It sounds as though your husband means well and had put some thought into what would be best for you, but has unfortunately come to the wrong conclusions. I know you want him to just "know" what you need, but grief is a funny thing, and it can be challenging to navigate supporting someone if they aren't making their needs clear.

If I were you, I'd tell him that you'd been thinking about how you'd like to spend Mother's Day and have come up with your ideal. Take the guesswork out of it! X

Lovely, so she gets fuck all then. You must know this opinion is in the minority? I can’t imagine any decent MIL thinking this.

I know exactly how you feel . I had been married 32 years when my mother died( 20 years ago this week ) and was devastated. Obviously I had known my MIL all that time and got on really well with her but I couldn’t bring myself to visit her for several months never mind go out for a celebration meal with her . She must have been hurt by my behaviour but never said anything about it and just gave me the time I needed to grieve.
I was similar with my step father because he still lived in my mother’s house and I couldn’t go there.
they both forgave me for my behaviour when lost my lovely mum .

I lost my mum late in pregnancy so I can totally relate to first Mother's Day without my mum.

My husband bought me the biggest bouquet of flowers I've ever seen and we bought another bouquet and took it to the grave where I sat and cried and was held. It was such a mixture of feeling of missing my own mum and being a mum. I could not have gotten through the day without him next to me.

We have every year taken his mum out for lunch before and since, but I don't think anyone, including his mum, expected us to that year. And if you MIL is as good as mine, she won't expect it either.

I think yiu need a frank conversation about hard this day is going to be and how much you need them.

I think you recently losing your mum and it being your 1st Mother’s Day outweighs his mum. Especially with the update where he leaves the baby with you!

Be thankful your husband wants to take you out on mother's day. My Ex husband's attitude was, your not my mother why should I buy you something. Incidentally, he didn't buy anything for his own Mum, I did.

Absolutely this, this is your first mothers day. My husband no longer sees his mother on mother's day as he takes me out. He will send her a card/flowers etc.

That’s crazy. You’re not his mother. And you encourage this?

This is the kind of scenario that people talk about when they get divorced.
'And he left me on my own with a velcro baby on my first mothers' day when I had only recently lost my own mother!'

I don't think he should be 'suggesting' what you do on this day really. It's clearly triggering. I hope you can talk to him and get him to see that you need him on this day. He could pop into his Mum's do with his sister for a drink/ dessert or whatever for an hour? Losing your Mum is devastating and it could take a very long time for you to adjust fully which is normal.

It doesn't have to be all or nothing. It doesn't have to be wife versus mother.

I'm in tears reading this because my own beautiful mother died a week & a half before mother's day last year. Sending you so much love. I am so sorry for your loss. If I could hug you I would. xx

It's a hard one, so sorry for your loss.