To be hurt about DH and mothers day

[Dayzychains]

Long time lurker. First time poster.

I am mum to a 3 month old baby and I lost my own mum 2 months ago. A couple of days ago, my husband asked me about how I felt about mothers day, and would I be up for a meal with his mum.

I have a lovely relationship with my MIL. She is wonderful and a lovely grandma to our baby. However, I really don't feel up to going out for a meal to celebrate mothers day, given how raw my loss currently feels.

I said I doubted I would be up for it and I became quite tearful. My husband apologised for bringing it up but said he felt it would be better for me to come out rather than sit home alone with the baby, as he feels its important I celebrate my first mothers day, however I feel more like a bereaved daughter than I do a new mum.

I'm a little hurt that he hasn't considered possibly just seeing his mum, giving her a present and maybe taking her out for a meal.another day - SIL could still take MIL out on the day itself. I'm still very traumatised by my mums death, however I realise my feelings may be unreasonable as I'm not his mum and his mum does deserve to be spoiled on MD. I've not said anything and have said I'm more than happy for him to take his lovely mum out, as I do feel that my feelings may be irrational.

What would you expect your husband to do in this case?

I think now that you have a baby together his priority on Mother’s Day switches to you. You definitely shouldn’t be alone on your first MD as a mother - especially having recently lost your own Mum.

i can’t believe he framed it as “do you want to come so you’re not alone” as though those were the only options. He needs to stay and take care of and cherish you.

There are a lot of frightfully cool wives on here this morning 🤔

I'd do the same...
Although my MIL is no longer with us so every MD was cherished while she was.

But it is not reasonable to expect him to cancel Mothers Day for his own mother because of your loss

Firstly it absolutely is, and secondly it's the OPs FIRST mothers day. Are people totally ignoring that?

Why is it that all these MILs need cherishing and are so precious but OP is seemingly fluff and not to be minded? Even though she's just had a baby and lost her mum in the space of a few weeks.
The mind truly boggles.

I think you should go along, enjoy the meal out with your MIL and DH and you'll probably find it a lovely thing to do. Your loss is still raw but your DH hasn't done anything wrong here. I honestly think it'll help pick you up as you sound a bit depressed (understandably).

I think you sound a bit like your MIL, someone who doesn't like to make a fuss or make demands of others. But on this occasion you really need to put yourself first. You are grieving, you have a new baby and you need to treat yourself with kindness. Think about what you want to do to get through the day and don't be afraid of expressing that clearly to your husband. If that means him going the day before or splitting the day up so he sees her in the morning, then tell him that is what you want. It is entirely reasonable that he puts you first this year given what you are going through. So sorry for your loss.

Woah that's a huge amount of 'stuff' to go through in a short space of time. Why on earth would your emotions not be all over the place?

I feel that MOTHERS' day is about those who are on the front line, doing active mothering. I don't feel that GRANDMOTHERS are doing the same active, hands on mothering that year, so the occasion is not about them so much.
I grew up feeling that on Mothers' day, the Mother had the complete day off. She did nothing. That's how it worked in our family when I was young.

It would be very nice if OP were able to have as much of the day off as possible.

Sounds as if OP's DH wants to go out for a long celebration with his family and not be bothered with the baby. Why else would he suggest it's better for baby to stay with OP? Going on a different day would not be as attractive as he would want all the siblings to be there. Sigh.

He needs to realise it's Mothers' day, not Grandmothers' Day.

Not all men are mind readers, unfortunately. So if you want him so stay with you (extremely reasonable and in fact that is what he should be doing, to give you as much time off as possible on your first ever special day) then you might have to spell it out.

Losing your mum is one of the toughest things you ever have to face if the relationship is good. I so feel for you.

It’s a shame that MiL isn’t party to the planning because from the sound of her she’d be the first to recognise that this will be awful for you. If I were her I wouldn’t expect your bloke to be part of the celebrations. It’s one Mothers’ Day. I think you’re actually being pretty unselfish - you’ve offered to stay at home while he takes your baby out, that’s very generous of you. I hope that’s what happens and you get some time to yourself. That’s the most precious gift you could be given right now. Maybe you could tell him that?

@Dayzychains so you have his baby and he goes out all day and overnight to celebrate mothers day with his mum??? no, that is definitely not on in my book!!! does he expect your baby to entertain you on your first mothers day or is mothers day just an excuse for a drinking day! he actually sounds quite selfish and if he has a brother, perhaps his brother can do the dutiful this year? after all, you are also grieving so it makes it doubly hard for you!

I am the first to say that death is a normal part of life, and heck, once you reach a certain age even the loss of a parent is to be expected.

The loss of your beloved mum within a month of the birth of your first child is not normal, or to be expected. That's a horrendous thing to go through, you poor thing OP you mustn't know what way is up. I lost my dad when my youngest was six months old and that was bad enough.

Of course you need a bit of extra care and attention this year, and your DH should see that. You say that your MIL is lovely, so I suspect she sees that too and doesn't expect your DH to be focussing on her this year.

Tell your DH that you need him, and you're a little disappointed he hasn't realised that. Ask him to pop round in the morning and then spend the day with you and his baby. His obligations are to you now.

Commit to going to the meal next year - it might be hard, but next year I would encourage you to put your best foot forward and enjoy the meal out with the extended family to celebrate all the mums (not just MIL I hope!). But this year it's too much to expect you to slap on a smile like everything is normal. It isn't, not yet

It’s your first Mothers Day and you’re so recently bereaved, of course he should stay with you. You won’t feel like celebrating but he can still make a fuss of you and ensure you have a restful day. Your MIL has had many MDs, this is your first and at such a sensitive time, if she’s as lovely as you say then I’m sure she won’t mind at all.

It’s a worry if you feel you can’t say this to him. As a Mum it’s easy to put your own feelings last but you are just as important.

I agree with this. I'd expect your husband to pop in on his mum but to come home and take you out for a nice lunch or something, or whatever you wanted to do, given how hard he knows this day will be for you.

If you choose to accompany your DH to lunch, stop off with flowers for your Mum first.
Enjoy the lunch as best you can but leave as early as you'd like.

DH would leave when you and baby have had enough and he would drive you home, surely, and care for you.

I want him to offer to support me. I don't want to have to ask him for support. I want him to do for me what I would do for him.

I can see how this would be the very best option. But, from what you've said about him being the sort to get on with it, it may well be that what you would do for him is also not 'perfect' for him?

That's OK. There is too much pressure for loved ones to also be mind readers and, imo, it's OK to have to spell out what you need. What is the real test, is how that is responded to.

Plus, if you cannot be a little selfish (to use your words, OP) when you have a tiny baby and are grappling with intense grief, then when can you be?

I am very sorry for your loss. I don't think he's done anything wrong necessarily but I can see why you are upset. It sounds like he has tried to come up with something that will include you but been a bit thoughtless in the process.
He needs to listen to you. He should be putting your feelings ahead of his plans with his mother. He has a family of his own now and it's your very first mother's day. His focus should be on making the day special for you. It doesn't mean he cannot see his mum and buy her a card or gift but you should be the priority here.

This. Given that OP has said she has a good relationship with her MiL, I’m sure she would understand if her son put his wife first in the circumstances.

You have to talk to DH and be honest. Yes it’d be better if you didn’t need to, but you are not going to feel any better if you don’t and things like this can fester. You’re being very generous but you need help and support.

I'm so sorry for your loss, that must be incredibly hard and especially with a new baby.
Your DH sounds nice, he has raised it gently but I agree with other posters that you need to tell him what you need to get through this incredibly hard day. Take the baby to his mums in morning for lovely cuppa and baby time leaving you to have a lie in and a bath. Then pick up some east nice food and come home and you all chill.
Your mil will get lots of attention in the afternoon so it may be lovely for her to do this, special time with grandchild.
And other advice is stay off social media on the day. Some people are insufferably smug posting pictures of their lovely Mother's Day , I never put anything on it's such a hard day for so many who have lost their mums or their babies or even just plain rubbish day because they are single parents and no one will spoil them .
I hope it goes ok for you, take care

If your MIL is as wonderful as you say, I’m sure she would be supportive if your DH gently explained that he is sticking close to you on MD for this year as you are grieving and struggling with a collicky baby. It would be nice if you and he could maybe visit her together with the baby, or invite her over the following month for Sunday lunch instead.
Your DH sounds kind and as if he is wanting very much to do the right thing by you. But you may need to spell it out a little bit for him that you would prefer it to be just the three of you together if possible for this year.
I’m sorry for your loss OP.

I don’t think he’s asking you because you have to celebrate for your MIL. I think he’s asking you to get you out of the house, so he can do something nice for you, celebrate you and get you socialising because that’s what he believes will help you with the grief process. It’s completely fine for you to decide not to go if you think it would be painful for you, however, I don’t think there’s anything for you to be angry about.

I am sorry for your loss.

YANBU to be upset by what your DH suggested but nor is your DH unreasonable to have suggested it.

That there is no right or wrong is perhaps reflected by the voting

(voting didn't show on previous screenshot)

I think YANBU. He can take his mum out the day before (or take her for breakfast), he should spend the majority of the day with you. It doesn’t mean every Mother’s Day this will be the case, but this year you need his support more than his mum needs a meal out. Don’t martyr yourself, tell him and if he’s worth anything he will understand.

I'm sorry for the loss of your dear mum. Your feelings are totally valid. Your loss is still very raw. I found my mum the Friday before Mothering Sunday, that was hard to cope with, as I'd got her present and card at home.
I don't think your husband was being insensitive at all, I think he wanted to make sure you were included and also made the most of your first MD as a mum. It's a difficult situation for all involved to be in. Do what you feel is best for you and your baby. It's nobodies decision but yours ❤