AIBU to be annoyed my hair has been damaged before I’m about to give birth. Also worrying about how I’ll still manage my self care routine to keep me sane and in a good headspace after baby is born?

[NewbieToThis]

Silly post I know and with worse going on in the world I shouldn’t allow myself to get annoyed about my hair being partly fried with bleach damage before I’m about to have my baby next month but I am. I love my hairdresser she does an amazing job getting my hair as blonde as it is but I think because I’ve had it bleached/highlighted so many times during this pregnancy (and the first 3 times by a different hairdresser) and because the high lift colour was pulled through to the ends to get rid of dull blonde the last time I had it done which was last week parts of my hair have had it. I’ve had several inches cut off my hair during the times I’ve got my hair lightened which is fine but I’m going to need at least 2 inches cut off next time I have my roots done right before my baby is born. I’ve ordered olaplex no 3 to help build my hair back up. I plan on still just having my roots done but nothing done to the ends. I’m just annoyed as my baby is due and I’m worried how I’ll still have the time to do my self care to help my mental health. I have a very supportive husband and good people around but I’m the type of person who overthinks and thinks I’ll not get the time. My appearance being bad really affects my mental health so I’m praying the olaplex treatments do the trick and that extra two inches gets rid of a lot of it. My hair is shoulder blade length.

I know I’m going to get a lot of people telling me to go back my natural colour but my natural colour is disgusting and because I’m not naturally pretty I need a bright colour to perk my complexion up. I know a lot of people will say I’ll not care when baby is here but I know myself that I will. What should I do?

Some really nasty comments on here. People are allowed to worry about whatever they want to worry about, some people might not care about their appearance, others do. Some people find the whole gubbins of birth wonderful a affirming, others just want it to be over. Some people want to natural birth in their dining room, others have a section with tummy tuck. None of these things make you a good or bad parent, nor a good or bad person. The only people I judge here are the absolute bitches who belittled and mocked a person who is full of worry and unsure of herself at a life changing time. Shame on them. Do what you want lovely, I actually did do the tummy tuck 😃

I’m sorry that it makes you feel sad that I feel my natural hair colour is disgusting. It doesn’t suit me and isn’t me that’s why my hair is always something different to how it naturally is. I’ve been through bad experiences and trauma throughout my life (disability, being overweight in my life, bad relationships, having people walk out on me, family trauma, trauma with loved ones when I got married, growing up being made to feel weak and different etc) that have negatively impacted how I feel about myself therefore looking after my appearance make me feel better about myself.

yes I see what you mean when you say that I’m focusing on my hair as a way to control something. I have had a lot on my mind with this baby. On one hand he’s planned and I’m excited about becoming a mum as it’s something I’ve always wanted to be and I’m looking forward to all the adventures but on the other hand I’m terrified of the same trauma repeating itself when he’s born (trauma with family and in laws falling out during the wedding which has had a lasting impact on me and really affected hubby too)

Ha ha ha

ha

ha ha
of course the team thing will work. 😳

Or they’re simply pointing out that for someone poor MH and a lot of obvious related anxieties about her appearance, getting your hair bleached and highlighted many times in quick succession to the point where it’s caused significant damage because she thinks she ‘needs it’ is counter-productive?

what should you do?
stop treating your hair with damaging chemicals quite so often?

I was wondering about this, too, as I’m not up to date. First of all, I’m sure OP discussed it with her midwife and made the best decision for her.

I thought this was a really good article on it. It basically states.

• it used to not be safe because it had more dangerous chemicals; it’s pretty much safe now
• however, we can’t know if it’s completely safe because OBVIOUSLY no one is going to agree to test it on 10,000 pregnant women (have them due their hair once a month through all of pregnancy) and see if the baby is harmed*
• doctors quoted in the article don’t recommend it during the first trimester because this is when fœtal development could be most affected by chemical transference
• some women choose not to dye their hair chemically during pregnancy and it gives alternatives

https://www.allure.com/story/can-you-dye-bleach-hair-while-pregnant

*NOTE: This shouldn’t cause fear. We know of very few things that are 100% safe in pregnancy, because scientists don’t like to include pregnant women in trials after thalidomide, and were actually banned from doing so for decades.

I would advise getting used to the ‘messy bun’ look as that is the most practical style after having a baby. They are little sods for tugging out your hair and even a ponytail is just seen as a challenge. Secondly, I completely get the whole looking good = feeling good as I think most of us feel exactly the same. However, you may just need to practice a scaled back version and remember that you are beautiful with or without your hair and makeup done. These things tend to become less important to you once baby arrives anyway as they are great at making sure you know it’s all about them!

From what you’ve written about your hair, I’d actually try and grow your bleach out and go for a balayage instead. It’ll take a little while but it will mean you can go longer between appointments and if you keep getting the bleached parts cut out your hair will be a lot healthier in the end.

Oh love.

I hope you have a good strong relationship and support network once baby arrives.

I don't care what pp have said, many of those post-partum dark days getting showered and fully dressed was as much as I could manage for weeks, never mind candles and colouring roots. (Dc2 was much easier) I suffered really badly with pnd because of lots of factors, this really shouldn't be on top of your list of worries.

Please be kind to yourself and remember to take care of yourself. You have no idea how big an impact a newborn is about to make in your life

A lot of these responses are totally shitty especially as you've made this clear that it's linked to your mental health.

Every new mum (and every woman) needs and deserves some me time.

You've said you've got a good DH. - so you work together to make sure there is regular time for you to have pamper time to sort out your hair and meet your other needs.

But go easy on yourself in the first few weeks if you find you aren't meeting your usual standards.

@NewbieToThis two things

1. Have you tried a decent hair serum.
   It’s super pricey but L’anza do an amazing healing oil one. I’ve had mine over a year and it’s so good. Try a soaring amount and if you can maybe reduce the bleach. Balayage is your friend as a new mum and way lower maintenance.

2. I bet your hair colour is lovely. Honestly no hair colour is bad so (and I say this gently) maybe you can work on being a bit kinder to yourself. We all see our own flaws on such a magnified scale. Sending 🌺

Ordering vitamins is a very good idea, I have carried on taking pregnancy vitamins even though I am 4 months post partum. I don't dye my hair but I have noticed it's been very dry since the end of my 3rd trimester, it's been falling out but that is starting to settle down now. If you can, leave it be for a few months and give it a chance to rest, pregnancy is very hard on hair and nails. Everyone else at babygroup will have 3 day unwashed hair and baby sick on their shoulder anyway!

Please don't let the nasty comments get you down, it is normal to feel a loss of identity when you have a baby, this is just how it has manifested itself for you.

Oh yes, hair serum is also a very good suggestion, I was bought the tropic one when DS was first born, it does make my hair look tidier when I remember to use it!

Hair serum
Vitamin tablets
Great moisturiser
Hand cream
Lavender pillow spray

Anything that can give you a boost

Are you actually for real OP? This is really a strange thing to be worried about.

I do feel for you - I don’t suit my natural hair colour, either. The same happened to my hair just before I got married, and sadly it took 2 years or so to fix. Until then, no good hairdresser would touch it. I didn’t find Olaplex helped really. I spent a fortune on things that claimed theyd help, but really it was time and trims.

I’ve got a two year old now, my hair looks good. I don’t fully dye it anymore which would have been alien to me before, but I do highlight it. It looks nice and it’s glossy.

Don’t worry. You’ll find a way that works for you.

Try Joico Luster Lock.

Use every wash as a deep conditioner and leave on overnight at least once a week.

Plus a good cut.

Helped mine when I went too far with highlights.

Good luck with new baby 😃

Bleaching your hair 4 times during pregnancy is not very smart. Your hair reacts differently in pregnancy and the hairdresser clearly went overboard. Your hairdresser sounds shit.

Some of it will fall off, some will need a cut. Olaplex is good but not a miracle worker.

Calm down. You're setting yourself for post natal depression by being so hung up on beauty treatments. Give yourself a break, pregnancy is hard and those first few months even harder. Prioritize health and bonding with baby.

Take care of yourself as much as you want and definitely get a hairstyle that's easy to manage and style. You simply won't have time. Im sure your hair will look lovely!

We all cope differently with things and what works for one may not work for another.

I am under the care of the perinatal MH team so know all about poor mental health as I am in the height of it myself.

For me, carving out time for the little luxuries will not solve my MH issues but does make me feel a little more human for a short period of time.

OP I mean this kindly (although it may not come across in text form), but I think you'd benefit from some level of therapy. It sounds like you might have some form of dysmorphia.

The problem with trying to tackle it through beauty treatments, is that a lot of beauty treatments can end up damaging your body over time (e.g. over bleaching, too much botox/filler, sunbeds etc), without treating the underlying cause.

It sounds like you've been through a lot, and my worry is that after the baby arrives you might be more prone to postnatal depression.

Now is the time to reach out for additional support and ensure you have people and systems in place to help you once the baby arrives.

I'm sorry to hear about your hair, it's heartbreaking when you try and do something to cheer yourself up and it winds up making you feel worse.

Wishing you all the best, OP.

I think your priorities will change and you will not be so bothered about this sort of nonsense.

And your self-care, especially after a baby, should be about your mental health and rest not vanity. I don't think your idea of self-care is what is actually means.

I think you’re hyper focusing on this, which could be anxiety, could be hormones, could even be nesting (I can remember being weirdly obsessed with the windows being clean pre-birth).

it sounds like your hair is damaged due to too much bleaching. Why not consider a shorter cut so the hair only has to cope with a limited amount of processing before it is trimmed.

I agree. My natural hair colour is disgusting. It doesn't suit me, it makes me look ill, tired and unsettles me.

I also agree that you can most definitely have time for self care (more than making your bed or cleaning your teeth with a baby)

When I had DC everyone told me I wouldn't have time for x or y. I bought tracksuits and new glasses as I wouldn't have time to get dressed properly or put my contact lenses in.

Tried that for 2 days and felt soooo unhappy. Went back to me clothes - usually quite stylised and ALWAYS wear my contacts. Always do makeup and have my hair dyed....even had a 3 year flirtation with pastal colours.....and that's not even a haircolour thats a hobby to keep it looking perfect 🙄😅

Yes you are going to have a DS, but he needs a happy Mum, and you know already what you need to do to make you happy. It's not frivolous or silly. It's perfectly fine to keep on being YOU and be HIS MUMMY.

You might have to get the dead ends trimmed off and look put for pp hairloss but if you've thick hair you can probably carry it off better than us fine haired ladies.

Stressing a lot which it sounds like you are is more likely to result in a high needs baby...