AIBU to be annoyed my hair has been damaged before I’m about to give birth. Also worrying about how I’ll still manage my self care routine to keep me sane and in a good headspace after baby is born?

[NewbieToThis]

Silly post I know and with worse going on in the world I shouldn’t allow myself to get annoyed about my hair being partly fried with bleach damage before I’m about to have my baby next month but I am. I love my hairdresser she does an amazing job getting my hair as blonde as it is but I think because I’ve had it bleached/highlighted so many times during this pregnancy (and the first 3 times by a different hairdresser) and because the high lift colour was pulled through to the ends to get rid of dull blonde the last time I had it done which was last week parts of my hair have had it. I’ve had several inches cut off my hair during the times I’ve got my hair lightened which is fine but I’m going to need at least 2 inches cut off next time I have my roots done right before my baby is born. I’ve ordered olaplex no 3 to help build my hair back up. I plan on still just having my roots done but nothing done to the ends. I’m just annoyed as my baby is due and I’m worried how I’ll still have the time to do my self care to help my mental health. I have a very supportive husband and good people around but I’m the type of person who overthinks and thinks I’ll not get the time. My appearance being bad really affects my mental health so I’m praying the olaplex treatments do the trick and that extra two inches gets rid of a lot of it. My hair is shoulder blade length.

I know I’m going to get a lot of people telling me to go back my natural colour but my natural colour is disgusting and because I’m not naturally pretty I need a bright colour to perk my complexion up. I know a lot of people will say I’ll not care when baby is here but I know myself that I will. What should I do?

But surely you have to weigh the benefits of having the ‘brighter’ hair you say you ‘need’ and the visible damage of what sounds like incredible amounts of bleaching and highlights in eight months? I mean, even if the colour is good, visibly damaged hair isn’t a good look on anyone. Why so often?

I don’t think there’s much you can do for post part I’m hair loss. I never had better hair than when I was pregnant (it was glossy, thick, bouncy, took a blowdry really well), but I lost massive amounts of hair when DS was four months.

I agree that it would be a very good idea to try to decouple your appearance from your mental health.

That said, I don’t see anything wrong about caring about how you look, even when other things are going on in your life. I’ve just had a major operation and recovery is going to be very challenging. I’m also really glad that I had a great cut & colour just before the surgery. It helps me to feel better without straggly ends around my face. Whatever works eh?

OP, if you do suffer postpartum hair loss (I had massive bald patches) please keep in mind that this too shall pass and it will all grow back! But mothers are allowed to care about their looks.

I'd be more focused on the baby, rather than oh dear my hair is a mix, and why anyone would say about your hair over the baby ?

I don't bleach my hair but it was utterly fried by a hairdresser using far too much heat for too long. I smelt like a wet dog when I got out of the shower it was destroyed. I went for a chop and got it cut up to my jawline to reduce the amount of dead hair and then used hair strengthening products along with argan oil on the ends. When it grew out I got it chopped again until it was back to full health. I don't suit short hair but it was entirely worth it rather than trying to make fried hair look presentable. So if I were you I'd go for a shorter cut. Shorter hair can hold better in terms of pp hair loss as well because there's less weight on the root. I also stopped using straighteners and blow dried on cool, basically was just super gentle with it until it was back to healthy hair!

I agree with others that being pp is hard on your self esteem because your body has been through so many changes, so building your self esteem outside of appearance will stand you in good stead.

Thanks exactly. Having a shower is basic human hygiene. I’m annoyed that my hair is fried at the ends but I don’t mind getting more of it cut as it takes ages to dry as I’ve got quite thick hair. I do worry that I might not get the time to do my hair masks to help it. I should get time to go get my roots done as I’ll do that on days hubby is off. I worry I’ll not get time to do my self care if my son is high needs. If he’s an easy baby then no problem but high needs would make things a lot harder for me

Yes it is. Making the bed. Basic self care. Not candles and facemasks and hair dye.

Rubbish. This is basic hygiene, and it being dressed up as “self care” is the reason so many new mum’s are miserable.

OP just ask family to look after baby while you sort your hair out, it’s a completely reasonable thing to want.

I used my maternity leave as a chance to grow out my bleached highlights and am now a bit more gentle with my hair, although I do still get it coloured. You could get balayage to soften the growing-out effect?

Olaplex and vitamins will help for sure but as PP have said your hair will take a bit of a battering post partum. Invest in some nice accessories and try not to worry about it too much. Personally I found skincare and pedicures were my go-to beauty treatments as I could do them myself at home and they made a noticeable difference.

Stop bleaching it! Surely you can just have a colour without bleach?!

Exactly. Basically hygiene. Basic caring for yourself. Which some people struggle with. That is why "self care" as a term came about. Before it got hijacked by candles and lotions and potions.

Oh come on guys, the OP is talking about taking a couple of hours out of constantly caring for a newborn for herself. She can spend that time as she likes - sleep, housework, hair, self care, playing chess, whatever, who cares?

It doesn't make her any less of a mum to her newborn so please stop the guilt-tripping. Baby will be fine with daddy for 2 hours with some expressed milk (or of course formula!).

It is so important we all take time out for ourselves when we can - it allows us to recharge/fill our own emotional cup so that, in turn, we are better equipped emotionally to care for others!

It’s a while since I was pregnant but I thought dyeing your hair during pregnancy was a no-no because of the risk of chemical transference?

Yeah because once you're a mum you literally can't focus on yourself for any amount of minutes a day.

🙄

Some horrible comments on here.

It’s completely reasonable and OK to care about your appearance, whether you’ve got a baby or not. And yes, if looking after your hair is important to you then of course it’s self-care. My mum has always been the same about her hair, and it’s just as important to her now at 80 as it was when she was 20!

I do think you need to give the bleach a rest one way another, but Olaplex should certainly help. Avoid heat styling and let it dry naturally if you can. Try a gentle, sulfate-free shampoo if you can.

It is basic hygiene but its also a real struggle for some. Not saying OP is wrong to want to bleech her hair just that it isn't "self care".

Sounds like chilling out about it and not dying it for a good while is exactly what you need to do to let it recover.

And no, your natural hair colour is not "disgusting". Don't be ridiculous.

A hairdressing visit is a lovely treat and it’s important to still do things that you enjoy but so much bleaching will eventually cause breakage. I went blonde last year and eventually I ended up with very dry and weak hair despite using a. Lot of treatments. Postnatal hair loss is very common too I used to lose handfuls of hair every time I brushed mine.
I would ask hairdresser for some advice as to what to do to get it back to better condition. Congrats on your pregnancy and enjoy

Your hair is more vulnerable when pregnant and postnatally. If you're having scalp bleach, I would switch to highlights for a while or have a root drag and money pieces. Yes it might take an adjustment, but is easier to maintain and less damaging for the hair. You can always go back to it when your hair has recovered and hormones have settled

Look up the long hair community forum. It’s not the easiest to navigate but they have 10000 threads on healing damaged hair. Yes you will have to have some cut off but my hair was quite bleach damaged and I’m just growing it out now and I’ve used henna on it which has helped. I get it - when my hair isn’t how I want it to be it nags at me!

I’d say if you look at LHC you can find lots of info about oiling your hair etc and really you can just whack that in, put your hair up and then leave it for as long as you need to until you get a chance to wash your hair!

To you, perhaps. Not to everyone.

In any case, it doesn’t matter what it’s called. It’s not shallow or silly to be aware of small things that make you feel better, and to try and make time to do them. The idea that we should consider basic hygiene as ‘care’ for ourselves, when we would consider ‘caring’ for someone else to be a lot more than just keeping them clean, is incredibly reductive and depressing.

Sneer all you want about ‘lotions and potions’; you don’t have to enjoy them. But for some people they’re a simple pleasure that make them feel better, so let people bloody enjoy them, whether they’ve had a baby or not.

The whole idea that you must someone lose all your own identity and forsake everything you enjoy when you have a baby is so tedious. It is possible to be besotted with your baby AND enjoy getting your hair done, for God’s sake.

Thanks so much to everyone who posted nice comments. I had bleach in my hair several times to lighten it but now I get a high lift colour with 40vol developer on roots as it’s gentler than bleach. I plan to only get regrowth done as that will not further damage the ends. My hairdresser went over the already bleached hair with high lift colour to brighten it this time which was the straw that broke the camels back.

I really just got these cheap ones from home bargains they are gummies lush and locks but they must’ve done something I also make sure I have atleast x2 fish meals per week! I love fish and seafood so that helps I’m a sucker for salmon sticky rice cucumber drizzle of hoisin over the top and some spring onions really nice! Yes I think it’s really important as a mum to feel good and it certainly helps! If a man can’t watch his own kids for a few hours once every month/6 weeks something is seriously a miss! Xx

It’s definitely important to have time to and for yourself, but this can be really hard to do with a young baby. To manage your expectations, you could do a 24 hour clock showing your current life and how you fit things in.
Then a second 24 hour clock with a young baby of 0-3 months. Make sure to include at least 8 feeds lasting varying lengths of 5 minutes to 60, plus the settling / winding / nappy. You’ll be very tired too in that first 3 months and recovering from birth, getting used to being a parent.
Look at your 1st 24 hour clock - where will you fit in what you do currently into the baby’s 24 hour clock?
What might need to change?
What do you absolutely HAVE to do and what can be left?

I feel sad that you feel your natural hair colour is "disgusting". I wouldn't describe any of the colours that hair naturally comes in as "disgusting". What happened in your past to give you such a negative self image?

I think it's easy to get stressed out before a baby is born as you just don't know what it's going to be like. I think you're focusing on your hair as that's one area of your life you can be in control of. But I'd work on letting how your hair looks have less of an impact on your self worth if possible.

Yes, it's important to prioritise your mental health after you have a baby, but it's also important not to sweat the small stuff, take one day at a time, and know that this is only temporary.

Olaplex is amazing stuff. My hair is in good condition, and the Olaplex makes it really really soft and shiny, so it's brilliant for more damaged hair. My DD uses the Philip Kingsley Elasticiser stuff, which is also excellent for damaged hair.

It's not vain to think about looking nice even when you're getting used to being a mum. If it's important to you, you do it.