AIBU to be annoyed my hair has been damaged before I’m about to give birth. Also worrying about how I’ll still manage my self care routine to keep me sane and in a good headspace after baby is born?

[NewbieToThis]

Silly post I know and with worse going on in the world I shouldn’t allow myself to get annoyed about my hair being partly fried with bleach damage before I’m about to have my baby next month but I am. I love my hairdresser she does an amazing job getting my hair as blonde as it is but I think because I’ve had it bleached/highlighted so many times during this pregnancy (and the first 3 times by a different hairdresser) and because the high lift colour was pulled through to the ends to get rid of dull blonde the last time I had it done which was last week parts of my hair have had it. I’ve had several inches cut off my hair during the times I’ve got my hair lightened which is fine but I’m going to need at least 2 inches cut off next time I have my roots done right before my baby is born. I’ve ordered olaplex no 3 to help build my hair back up. I plan on still just having my roots done but nothing done to the ends. I’m just annoyed as my baby is due and I’m worried how I’ll still have the time to do my self care to help my mental health. I have a very supportive husband and good people around but I’m the type of person who overthinks and thinks I’ll not get the time. My appearance being bad really affects my mental health so I’m praying the olaplex treatments do the trick and that extra two inches gets rid of a lot of it. My hair is shoulder blade length.

I know I’m going to get a lot of people telling me to go back my natural colour but my natural colour is disgusting and because I’m not naturally pretty I need a bright colour to perk my complexion up. I know a lot of people will say I’ll not care when baby is here but I know myself that I will. What should I do?

not for everyone. again with the trying to scare new mothers. wtaf is wrong with some of you.

WTF is wrong with you, still wittering about showers when the OP talks about putting her baby into care if her family fall out or she doesnt have enough time to make YouTube videos?

as i’ve said already on this thread op is not the only new mother who will be reading this nonsense

I'm guessing she's the only one who might have a back-up plan of having her baby fostered if the baby's presence interferes with her beauty routines.

no, actually. op has clarified what she said was if her baby was severely disabled and her relationship broke down (op being disabled herself) leaving her single and disabled caring for a disabled child, she was worried she’d have to consider putting baby into care. which is a valid worry particularly when there is clearly ppa signs here.

She also listed many other separate instances she would give her baby away, like ADHD/ASD (ok fair enough I guess?), grandparents falling out or divorce. You're the one combining these situations on her behalf!

These are the things the OP seems to think are essential. The OP could shave off her hair like your husband did if it was in bad condition. I certainly don't think fake things are necessary for either sex.

well good for you but if i was in the early throes of postpartum and had to shave off my hair i would be feeling like shit and so would many many other mums. but i’m happy for you that your confidence is so solid

Think twice about putting your faith in Olaplex, OP. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4744557-anyone-experience-hair-damage-from-using-olaplex

@NewbieToThis what kind of YouTube channel do you have? Completely irrelevant I'm just being nosy.

That isn't what she said:

Even though me and my husband would never divorce as we have a really good relationship I worry if really bad added pressure on top of having a newborn occurs and the unthinkable happens then I would need to give that child up to foster care.

I feel if I lose my job on Tuesday then I’ll completely detach from him and consider giving him up.

She's not worried about having to put her baby in care, she sees it as a valid choice if she doesn't get sufficient time for her priorities. She said this on a post by a single mum:

If it was me being left with the kids as a single mum and not getting a break especially with my needs to consider I’d voluntarily place the kids in foster care. Just temporarily you still get to see them and have parental control. I think you should do it as you need your life back too as it works both ways

Who thinks like that? That it's ok to put your child in care because you can still see them and have PR, and 'you need your life back too'? OP didn't make one poorly-phrased post about putting her child in care, she's repeatedly posted about doing it for various minor life issues. OP doesn't seem able to see her baby as an actual person with needs, she only sees what she wants. It's really worrying.

The women I know who have shaved off their hair haven't been confident types, quite the opposite. The hair was in bad condition and shaving it off gave them more confidence and grew back lovely.

OP didn't make one poorly-phrased post about putting her child in care, she's repeatedly posted about doing it for various minor life issues. OP doesn't seem able to see her baby as an actual person with needs, she only sees what she wants. It's really worrying.
Agree with this.
This is why so many posters are suggesting the OP seeks professional help.
Babies aren't accessories that will neatly play their part on demand and then neatly fall into to the background so not to disrupt tanning appointments and YouTube videos.
If the posts across several threads are an accurate reflection of how OP views her baby she needs professional support for her sake and her baby's.

I can't believe people are still offering beauty suggestions to a person in need of urgent help for her mental health. If you click on see all at the bottom of her posts, you can see her posts which are disturbing. You don't even need to AS her name; I didn't.

THIS and THIS @nothingcomestonothing

I am genuinely really worried. When you have a baby it becomes your whole life, as it should be. Yes self care and time for self is important but OP clearly has wildly unreasonable expectations about what it's going to be like.

As you've said, this really isn't one poorly written post, it's multiple threads and multiple comments.

I really hope she has spoken to someone in real life about her thoughts and feelings.

I can't get over the thread where the OP was adamant that her dogs took priority over the baby, and the baby would be in his own room from birth because she didn't want the dogs upset.
I think that one was deleted though.

This thread has moved wildly on since the first post.
Genuine question OP, are you already preparing and planning to give up your baby? It sounds like you are trying to set out the scenarios in which that would feel 'necessary'.

I’m not planning on giving up my baby. I want him but I want the best for him too. He deserves to grow up in a stable home with 2 happy settled parents and that village of support so he can thrive. I don’t view beauty treatments more important than him as he comes first but me time for both me and DH are important too so we will be working as a team to ensure everyone is happy. Bonus if my son glued the family together but as long as there’s no further fallouts that will really affect him I’m happy to keep both sets of grandparents mainly separate.

my mind has went into overdrive since I got pregnant. I get good and bad days. The good days I think more rational and the bad days I tend to think the worst. Foster care would only be an option if bad things were to happen and we as a family did everything humanly possible to give our son the best life despite a whole bunch of worst case scenarios happening and if they did my son would constantly see me in hysterics or/and shutting him out when I’m in those states because a. No child should see me like that and b. I’m better off being on my own for a while to calm down or with another adult. If all those or a lot of those worst case scenarios happened then it would badly affect my son no matter how much we try if it got to that point and especially if the support system broke down it would be disaster for the whole family unit and especially if my son was severely disabled the kindest thing in that situation would be voluntary foster care. Yea that exists I believe it’s called a section 20. Parents keep their parental rights and can still see and take the child out so the child still has his family even though they aren’t the primary caregivers anymore for a time. I pray to God it never gets that bad that we have to take those measures. I pray my son gets a stable upbringing with stable happy parents

In my opinion: op had you said you'd consider placing your child in temporary care due to the child having severe behaviour problems or medical problems that require round the clock care ect , I think posters would be a lot kinder in their responses and recognise the comment as a mum at her wits end but you've said repeated things like placing the baby in care for me time, to get your hair and tan done ect it has given us all the impression you value tanning and your looks more than the baby. you also said you'd give your baby up if it affected your dogs feelings

Surely vaping during pregnancy = your scenario of your child being disabled is more likely to come true... This smells like 1 chaotic mess of self sabotage.

Treading lightly here, but the vast majority of expectant parents don't tend to go down the route of researching ways they can use the care system to put their children somewhere else in a range of different entirely hypothetical situations.

Even here it's reads like like baby comes first, but me and DH need to focus on us too and if I'm in a situation where I'm constantly in hysterics and not coping then the care system is an option. The difficulty is that from your posts it looks like there are many issues that could lead you to feel that way, including lots of baggage about having time for youtube and beauty appointments. I think that's why so many posters are concerned.

This is something you need to speak to your midwife about and they'll be able to advise how to access perinatal mental health support so that you're in a position to offer the stability your baby needs.

If all those or a lot of those worst case scenarios happened then it would badly affect my son no matter how much we try if it got to that point and especially if the support system broke down it would be disaster for the whole family unit and especially if my son was severely disabled the kindest thing in that situation would be voluntary foster care

You're not being rational to think that fostering in this situation would even be an option.

Haven't you read the threads on here by parents who have severely disabled children? They're at their wits end. People naively suggest fostering so that the parents get a break. I've even seen the OP of this thread suggest this to a mother in distress, on another thread.

It's nonsense. It's hard enough to get a child without severe disabilities fostered. One with challenging behaviour might theoretically get accepted for fostering, but there wouldn't be an available placement. It's almost impossible to place these children.

I don't think this thread has anything to do about hair, really.

Please speak to your GP or midwife for a referral to the perinatal mental health team. You need support

Again, you have not said anything about seeking support for your mental health from your GP or midwife.

Advice from a mother and therapist - a village is nice, but it's a privilege. You are worrying about worst case scenarios happening, becoming hysterical and overwhelmed by them and using the foster system as a back up plan to help you cope. This is dysfunctional.

In my opinion from what you have written here and on other threads, you would benefit massively from therapy. This will help to manage your anxiety and challenging unhelpful hypothetical worrying, but build on your resilience and independence. You sound quite codependent and it is unhelpful and will be for your child too. Therapy can help you to feel like you can manage, you can cope and you do have resources to help you if needed.

Please please get some help.

Posters on this thread and previous threads have always advised OP to seek mental health help from the GP/midwife/perinatal team. OP never responds to these posts, even though this would be the best form of self care she could have.