AIBU to be annoyed my hair has been damaged before I’m about to give birth. Also worrying about how I’ll still manage my self care routine to keep me sane and in a good headspace after baby is born?

[NewbieToThis]

Silly post I know and with worse going on in the world I shouldn’t allow myself to get annoyed about my hair being partly fried with bleach damage before I’m about to have my baby next month but I am. I love my hairdresser she does an amazing job getting my hair as blonde as it is but I think because I’ve had it bleached/highlighted so many times during this pregnancy (and the first 3 times by a different hairdresser) and because the high lift colour was pulled through to the ends to get rid of dull blonde the last time I had it done which was last week parts of my hair have had it. I’ve had several inches cut off my hair during the times I’ve got my hair lightened which is fine but I’m going to need at least 2 inches cut off next time I have my roots done right before my baby is born. I’ve ordered olaplex no 3 to help build my hair back up. I plan on still just having my roots done but nothing done to the ends. I’m just annoyed as my baby is due and I’m worried how I’ll still have the time to do my self care to help my mental health. I have a very supportive husband and good people around but I’m the type of person who overthinks and thinks I’ll not get the time. My appearance being bad really affects my mental health so I’m praying the olaplex treatments do the trick and that extra two inches gets rid of a lot of it. My hair is shoulder blade length.

I know I’m going to get a lot of people telling me to go back my natural colour but my natural colour is disgusting and because I’m not naturally pretty I need a bright colour to perk my complexion up. I know a lot of people will say I’ll not care when baby is here but I know myself that I will. What should I do?

The fact you have done another long post about damaged hair and ignored all the thoughts on this thread and others about some of the things you're saying is very, very concerning @NewbieToThis

You need to talk to your midwife or your doctor and before your baby is born.

OP I recognise you from your previous threads, as I see other posters have too.

Kindly, stop fucking about on MN and get some help with your mental health. You had a lot of good advice on previous threads and you clearly have done nothing about finding the help you need in real life.

For yourself and for your child, get some help.

I think some people need to stop replying to some of these posts or offer better support resources.

The people who recognise OP from previous posts have recognised that there is more to this then worrying about her hair.
OP has posted three times about her hair now and people are posting responses about hair bleaching when the real issues are a lot deeper. She will only respond to comments about the surface issues and glosses over people who are recommending she needs more help than mumsnet can offer and has been told on several occasions that dealing with her anxieties is above mumsnets pay grade.

She has concerns about PND, her child having high needs, she was jealous that she couldn’t vape through pregnancy when a friend was doing it, is worried she won’t have time to do her fake tan and make up (to the extent that if she feels she can’t do her self care she will develop PND and give her baby away) about a cluttered house, her dogs being jealous of her baby, her friend not being able to take her out regularly, being a stay at home mum, and she fell to pieces when she lost her job and said this could lead to her not bonding with her baby and having to give it away.

Every time OP mentions her concerns she comments about giving up her baby which is highly concerning.
She has said she’ll give up her baby if it has any special needs, if she doesn’t have enough support and there is a mention of past family trauma in every thread (that’s never elaborated on and that badly needs addressing with a therapist) and she mentions if there are any future issues with family she could go into a dark place and give up her baby to foster care for a respite break.
OP seems to believe you can put your child into foster care when you need a break and then get them back as soon you feel you can cope again.

I don’t know if you’ll see this OP but you need to stop fixating on your appearance and follow the advice you’ve been given by many, many people and see your health visitor and get some proper help and therapy.
You have spent many hours in the hairdresser during this pregnancy when you should have been seeking out support for your anxieties. Your fake tan isn’t a priority when you have chosen to bring a child into the world who needs you to be able to take care of him, if it was just something you were doing to give yourself a bit of a confidence boost then it’s harmless but you seem to view it as an emotional necessity.
The comments you made about vaping in a previous post when you lost your job showed that you are adamant on putting yourself first and that can’t continue if you want to be a good mother to this baby.

You have posted several times about your worries about this family fall out you had in the past and now badly it affected you and your husband, Instead of focusing on your appearance I think you need to be seeing a family therapist with your husband - maybe both families and addressing this as it seems to have been your biggest concern in the past.
You have posted about needing your friends support to take you out and have stated you are anxious about not getting out and about when the baby is born, look at ways you can leave the house and gain additional support like mother and baby groups and the church as others have mentioned in the past.

I hope mumsnet HQ are seeing the concerns people have about these posts and can offer some resources for organisations that might be able to help.

I suggest people who haven’t read the previous posts look over them if they can before they make any disparaging comments or offer any more advice. The hair just isn’t the issue here!

OP if you still feel that mumsnet is a good place for support and it’s helpful for you then maybe take people’s advice and feedback about the deeper issues you have posted about. You’ve had so much helpful constructive criticism that will be far more useful if you take it than about brands of hair mask. It’s not long till you have your baby so you really need to be getting as much support as you can in place.

I have a disability and suffer from severe anxiety, I also find myself fixating on things I can control (like my hair) when there are much more important things I need to be dealing with.
I feel empathy for you as I also understand the need to get out of the house and I rely a lot on a support network of family and friends.
You need to help yourself though, I take medication and see a psychologist and go to support groups because my mental health is as much as priority as my physical health and appearance. I learnt not to clutch onto other people when I’m drowning as it drags them down, it’s much better if I can swim.

I won’t give you any further advice as I really do feel it needs to come from a professional but I do want to point out that your baby won’t care if your roots need doing or if you are wearing fake tan, your baby will love you for being it’s mother and it’s far better for them (and for you and everyone else who cares about you) if you focus on your emotional wellbeing and being at peace with yourself instead of trying to fix the things you find negative in your appearance xx

I ruined my hair with box dye bleaching and heat over the years.
Dried fizzled just ruined awful.
Until i had a reaction to my normal hair dye and i shaved it of to start again.
I made a thread about it earlier its one year today i did it so pleased i did.
Never touch that stuff again.
Now i have healthy hair.

ew. why should women put themselves last, all op is asking for is to feel good about herself which actually is really quite important postpartum. maybe you’re fine being a manky minger but not all of us are

the mentality of some commenters on here is so tragic. as if it’s an award that you didn’t shower in the newborn days and let yourself go, and that your partner is crap enough that they wouldn’t look after their own child to let you get your hair or nails done. sad.

Read the OPs previous threads. She talks about giving her child into care if things don't go her way. This is really not about haircare.

maybe the op is concerning yes but there are other women on here about to give birth who will also be worried about their confidence and self care postpartum and being told they’ll have no time for themselves is a) incorrect and b) a shit thing to tell new/expecting mothers

Again, if people bothered to read the OPs other threads you would realise that this isn't just about doing her hair. It's much bigger than that.

No one wants a bloody medal for being a "manky minger" but the reality is that life is going to change, and yes BABY COMES FIRST. self care is important but Jesus baby comes first, what's not to understand?!!

It's clear from all of other OPs posts that she is DEEPLY DEEPLY CONCERNED about the most minor of things and will put her kid into foster care at the drop of a hat at the first bloody hurdle or sign of hardship.

If people read her threads and don't think there is anything wrong then there is something wrong with you and you have no business being a bloody parent.

no business being a parent 😂 get real.

We're not taking to other mothers. We are talking about and to the OP. We have put our comments into context. Surely other mothers reading this can comprehend? Give me strength.

If people can't understand a baby comes first and you can't put it into foster care at the most minor of inconvenience then yes you have no business being a bloody parent. You'd expect this mentality from an 11 year old.

I agree with this.
This thread is not about hair.

have you also seen ops threads where she is quite clearly concerned about ppd and obviously has some kind of anxiety and/or perinatal depression going on? or do we just stop caring about ppd/ppa when someone posts something ‘weird’. op says they’re disabled themselves have you thought maybe she’s scared if she had a disabled child that she as a disabled mother wouldn’t feel she’d be the best person to look after her baby?

Please please ignore the ignorant ass *** on here. This place seems to be full of them lately. Completely understand you. As long as you have someone you trust with your little one for a few hours you'll be absolutely fine. Or having that time to do your hair while baby naps. I think you'll find your way. ❤️ for the first few weeks I use to find braiding my hair helpful as you can keep it in for a few days then let it out and have it curly. Without having to worry about the colour to much. Good luck x

@orngelemonapple obviously. Have you read all the threads and the hundreds of comments from people encouraging her to visit her GP/midwife and eventually health visitor?

This has been consistently mentioned throughout all of her threads and she has repeatedly ignored this.

As a therapist, yes a psychotherapist, this is highly concerning and extremely frustrating. Some of her concerns are valid re her disability, but you have to be able to take responsibility for your own difficulties and your own anxieties. Refusing and ignoring mentions of help gets you no where. I face this sometimes with new/expectant mothers I work with.

No good comes from ignoring an issue like this.

Get the whole picture from reading all the threads!

not a very good therapist then if you can’t understand why op might be reluctant to seek help but ok

@orngelemonapple are you being deliberately thick? There is a huge difference between reluctant and refusal/denial.

There is no way to placate that.

Don't repeatedly come on mumsnet complaining about the most trivial of things and threatening to put a child into care if he is disabled if the repeated response is to seek help.

The first rule of a therapist is people are responsible for their own mental health and recovery. Therapists don't do the job for you. They help you, they don't force you and they can't do it for you.

Get it?

eek. a therapist telling people they’re thick and have no business being parents on an online forum. reevaluate whether you should be in your job perhaps? slightly concerning!

OPs post is a perfect example of why I never even started on the hair-dying runaway train. My hair chooses what colour it is, not me. If I had to look at me all day I might be bothered, but I don't. I just couldn't be faffed with all that constant malarkey. Life is too short.

This thread should be deleted. It's like those threads that go " Do I need lip filler or Botox?" We are not helping the root cause.

FFS

isn’t it sad how much mums enjoy trying to scare first time mums.

Another eye roll 🙄