AIBU to be annoyed my hair has been damaged before I’m about to give birth. Also worrying about how I’ll still manage my self care routine to keep me sane and in a good headspace after baby is born?

[NewbieToThis]

Silly post I know and with worse going on in the world I shouldn’t allow myself to get annoyed about my hair being partly fried with bleach damage before I’m about to have my baby next month but I am. I love my hairdresser she does an amazing job getting my hair as blonde as it is but I think because I’ve had it bleached/highlighted so many times during this pregnancy (and the first 3 times by a different hairdresser) and because the high lift colour was pulled through to the ends to get rid of dull blonde the last time I had it done which was last week parts of my hair have had it. I’ve had several inches cut off my hair during the times I’ve got my hair lightened which is fine but I’m going to need at least 2 inches cut off next time I have my roots done right before my baby is born. I’ve ordered olaplex no 3 to help build my hair back up. I plan on still just having my roots done but nothing done to the ends. I’m just annoyed as my baby is due and I’m worried how I’ll still have the time to do my self care to help my mental health. I have a very supportive husband and good people around but I’m the type of person who overthinks and thinks I’ll not get the time. My appearance being bad really affects my mental health so I’m praying the olaplex treatments do the trick and that extra two inches gets rid of a lot of it. My hair is shoulder blade length.

I know I’m going to get a lot of people telling me to go back my natural colour but my natural colour is disgusting and because I’m not naturally pretty I need a bright colour to perk my complexion up. I know a lot of people will say I’ll not care when baby is here but I know myself that I will. What should I do?

@NewbieToThis please don't answer if you're uncomfortable to but does DH have any challenges? ND/MH struggles?

I've only very briefly worked with pregnant women and they had learning disabilities and were quite vulnerable and needed support in place, it was years ago now so with social funding decreased I'm not sure what help your local authory/the NHS can provide you with but there are charities out there who may provide you with support workers?
I'm guessing you're not struggling financially with getting hair etc done, I may be wrong, but if they're not an issue to be affordable, could you look at getting in a cleaner or someone to do washing etc for a while whilst you and DH adjust to being parents?

I'm sensing that this transition into parenthood isn't something you're going to find as easy as someone more able bodied, so it could be really worth seeing what and who is available out there for you.

I think it's good you're aware what things will trigger your mood and when I suggested a wig earlier up thread it wasn't to be cruel, 40% of women do struggle with hair loss, it'll regrow, just a pain to grow.

Have a think about batch cooking and easy meals for when baby is here and all the other ways you can make life easier practically, you sound very concerned about bonding with babby, I think being constantly interrupted to do life stuff won't help, so see what you can outsource comfortably x

Dors your midwife know how much you are struggling this much. When you are really stressed, it is so easy to focus all of your emotions on something small (,your hair,), to distract you from the big stuff.
To give you a personal example, when my best friend died, his sister and I were utterly obsessed about making the funeral absolutely perfect. It was something we could control, and our minds weren't ready to confront the enormity of our loss.
I tell you this because I recognise a lot of this in your first post, and also to tell you that it is quite normal to focus on something small and controllable (your hair), to distract you from big scary stuff. Unmumsnetty hugs.

“Manky minger” err… 🥴 You might look like a manky minger without your hair & makeup done but that doesn’t mean we all do, love.

Exactly! I don't bleach or colour my hair or wear make up and I'm not 'manky'! Misogynistic crap that is.

Im pretty sure OP didn't say she would get rid of her baby if she didn't look as put together for a while. That's quite a nasty thing to imply. She said she would find it harder to cope if she couldn't do these things as her grooming regime helps her mental health, but that's not as extreme as what you're saying. And if she did mean that, there's obviously deep issues behind that.

Maybe you don't, but we don't all start on a level playing field in the looks department. :)

And it is more important to some people than others. My mum and sister do hardly anything to make the most of themselves, whereas I put in a bit more effort.

OP has repeatedly said she would put her child in care if various, pretty normal things happen:

Not being able to do the things that make me feel good like...doing my tan and makeup...I know for a fact If I couldn’t do those things or I’m ridiculed for it then I would really resent my baby

I feel if I lose my job on Tuesday then I’ll completely detach from him and consider giving him up.

If it was me being left with the kids as a single mum and not getting a break especially with my needs to consider I’d voluntarily place the kids in foster care. Just temporarily you still get to see them and have parental control. I think you should do it as you need your life back too as it works both ways

The OP needs real life proper help and well-meaning posters mimimising what she's saying just reinforces to her that what's she's saying is normal and ok.

Good grief

From the updates/posts that other posters have mentioned it's clear this is about much much more than hair and appearance.

OP sounds like she needs to access some proper professional support because there's a lot of issues going on here that suggest baby is so far down the priority list it's concerning.

The poor baby seems to be viewed as an inconvenience in so many areas of life and it's worrying seeing so many previous posts alongside this thread.

I worry about is not getting me time when I really need it. Not being able to do the things that make me feel good like going on walks, going to the gym, meeting friends for coffee and shopping, getting my hair done, doing my tan and makeup, going on the occasional girls night or date night, filming YouTube videos etc I could make time to do them which I will but I worry people will judge me or put me down for doing that and call me a bad mum but at the end of the day every parent needs a break so to stop resentment from setting in. I know for a fact If I couldn’t do those things or I’m ridiculed for it then I would really resent my baby especially if they were colicky or a hard baby

People would be right to ridicule you for resenting your baby for not letting you prioritise getting a fake tan and making YouTube videos. When you have a baby you have to accept that for a while, your 'me time' will be significantly reduced. You still need some time to look after yourself, but your baby takes priority. Your list is unrealistic imo, and includes things which most women would not resent being temporarily unable to fit in around a new baby.

Its going to fall out when you give birth anyway..

You may be sure, but you're very wrong. RTFT. Yes, she clearly has very deep issues and, I say this kindly/objectively as everyone has different paths in life, is not at all fit to be a parent.

@porridgeisbae pps are referring to other posts by op, not this one in particular
I believe op had said if she needed time to herself she would place baby in temporary Foster care and that she would place the baby up for adoption if it were high needs

The reason she says she might be unable to cope with a baby with a disability is she also has a disability herself. She could be wrong that she wouldn't cope, but it's a completely understandable fear. It's not that she CBA to care for a disabled child, she just doesn't think she could do it.

She's also said she'd give the baby into care if her family fall out with her in-laws, amongst other worrying things. I did c&p some of her posts on the previous page.

It's one thing to worry you won't cope, especially if you have a disability, but it's another to talk about rejecting your baby because they get in the way of your grooming preferences or YouTube posting. OP consistently makes posts blaming the baby for things not going her way, it's very concerning.

You should probably examine why you believe you look bad without inflicting all this damage to your hair. What is wrong with your natural hair colour?

Also, is it possible you're hyper focusing on your hair as a means of deflecting anxiety about impending childbirth and the post partum period?

YYY to this.

Agree.

And for other women potentially reading this thread and worried about the effect of a baby on their appearance, hopefully they can take comfort from realizing that a little worry in context is normal, but to reach out for help if it gets out of hand and focus on appearance and other means of avoidance become paramount.

@porridgeisbae op admitted she was depressed and struggled to deal with the baby being a boy as she wanted a "mini me girl " I don't think that's normal behaviour. This isn't just about vanity.
Op has a visual impairment in one eye that she can't see at distances in one eye. This runs much deeper than her own disability.
She's often said she dosent want to gain weight and wants to manage her weight during pregnancy because she dosent want a big bump. I find that disturbing. Being pregnant myself, aslong as my baby is growing well I could care less about gaining weight

Oh come off it. The poor baby is just a tool for her childishness & self-interestedness. And I know I sound judgmental but actually I'm a big believer that we're all just products of nature and nurture, and have very little personal autonomy. So I mean it in as neutral a way as it can get.

• She had a baby "because I hadn’t achieved much in life not to my standards and I couldn’t have a baby then I wouldn’t have much to show for in my life and I would be proving people who think I’m less than and beneath them right"
• Vaped while pregnant bc she was jealous of her friend vaping through pregnancy (?!)
• Would resent her baby if she can't make her Youtube videos or do her grooming routines (which sound very intricate..)
• Talks literally all the time, so much, about giving her baby away or putting her kids in care (eg if child has adhd/asd, but also just if she got divorced – seems to prize husband over baby in many posts – or if grandparents fell out, etc etc)
• Literally said foster care was a chance for her to have a break as if the child won't be traumatised from being constantly tossed about like a hot potato. Jealous of influencers who tote their baby around with outsourced help, which we all are, but with the grooming & appearance obsession, a bit worrying
• So much of her posts are about people using past mistakes against her, letting her down, taking things away from her, etc, very little self-awareness/accountability
• A ton of other vapid obsessive word salad I can't make it through

I've written this list because actually I know a few people like that (including one who, when dumped by the husband she was besotted with and dependent on, drank till her child developed fetal alcohol syndrome and now constantly plays the heroic martyr for taking care of a disabled child – not saying OP is like that at all, only that I see shades of similarities) and am fascinated by the psychology.

I really do sympathise because some people (including myself) have chronically low emotional reserves due to biology and/or childhood circumstance... Objectively though are these people good parents? Sometimes yes, most of the time no. They're too self interested

Well thank goodness OPs new post for this evening was shut down. Should disabled people have kids....

@MildredSauce what did it say

when did i say anything about fake tan, lip injections and contouring babe? thats you being sexist. you’re the one saying those are things females are expected to do. i’m talking about upkeeping your hairstyle the way you feel confident in. and yes, my husband hated his hair when we had our first child because he shaved it off during lockdown and he still hates photos of himself from that period. and yes i would say he’s manky as fuck if he didn’t shower or look after himself etc. so YOURE the one projecting that this is a woman only problem.

again… didn’t mention makeup did i. theres people on here telling op she won’t find time for a shower. that’s disgusting.