AIBU to be annoyed my hair has been damaged before I’m about to give birth. Also worrying about how I’ll still manage my self care routine to keep me sane and in a good headspace after baby is born?

[NewbieToThis]

Silly post I know and with worse going on in the world I shouldn’t allow myself to get annoyed about my hair being partly fried with bleach damage before I’m about to have my baby next month but I am. I love my hairdresser she does an amazing job getting my hair as blonde as it is but I think because I’ve had it bleached/highlighted so many times during this pregnancy (and the first 3 times by a different hairdresser) and because the high lift colour was pulled through to the ends to get rid of dull blonde the last time I had it done which was last week parts of my hair have had it. I’ve had several inches cut off my hair during the times I’ve got my hair lightened which is fine but I’m going to need at least 2 inches cut off next time I have my roots done right before my baby is born. I’ve ordered olaplex no 3 to help build my hair back up. I plan on still just having my roots done but nothing done to the ends. I’m just annoyed as my baby is due and I’m worried how I’ll still have the time to do my self care to help my mental health. I have a very supportive husband and good people around but I’m the type of person who overthinks and thinks I’ll not get the time. My appearance being bad really affects my mental health so I’m praying the olaplex treatments do the trick and that extra two inches gets rid of a lot of it. My hair is shoulder blade length.

I know I’m going to get a lot of people telling me to go back my natural colour but my natural colour is disgusting and because I’m not naturally pretty I need a bright colour to perk my complexion up. I know a lot of people will say I’ll not care when baby is here but I know myself that I will. What should I do?

Yup

Why the laughing with glee?

thanks for all the nice comments. I have to admit yes I am worried about things in my life at the minute and should be spending my time working through that and/or doing things that distract me in a positive way e.g. getting out for more walks, other exercise, self help stuff etc. I’m an overthinker and have been my whole life but it’s worse when things are stressing me out. I’ve spoken to my health visitor about sometimes I get low mood and my worries over post natal depression and she’s gonna keep an eye on it.

self care has always and will always be a comfort for me. It’s not selfish if it’s helping my mental health as long as I have a balance on it. It’s a coping mechanism I’ve used since my teens. Back then I used to use it to ‘hide’ my disability and make me feel more normal now I use it because it makes me feel better and I like it. I try not to let my disability hold me back.

the thing I’m most worried about by having my son (and it’s sad as I shouldn’t have this worry AT ALL) is another fall out happening between my family and my in laws and this time it being worse as I’ll not be able to get away from it as I’ll be stuck as I’ll not have the same freedoms to distract myself. This I know WILL impact bonding with my son. My family and in laws (plus a couple good friends) are me and my hubbys main support network and if another fallout happens that would either seriously impact that support network or completely break it down. I love my family but some of them use my past mistakes and disability against me and never let me move on or not for a long time at least. Causing me to relive stuff and making my anxiety worse. For example another fallout occurs and a few weeks later me and hubby needing a night to ourselves decides to go on a night out and his mum offers to babysit. We go on our night out and post pics etc. my parents find out and remind me of what happened in the past and make me feel bad for letting my sons granny look after her grandson for a few hours to give us a break. I’m pulled into a dark place and more resentment sets in. I don’t tell my family everything before anyone says.

with my disability I can still look after my son as can my husband as we are a team but I need support (not substantial but I would say weekly or a few times a week on a bad week) because I get easily overwhelmed which is a whole lot worse if something negative is going on in my life. Without that support I need I would struggle. An easy baby with little support is doable but a high needs one is not unless I have the support I need.

what happened to me and my husband 3 years ago has left a mark on me (that’s still there after 3 different counselling) and left me and hubby burnt out. I know I absolutely can’t be burnt out especially with a baby. It wouldn’t be fair on my child or me or my husband or our dogs. Our family unit needs to be kept strong for the sake of everyone and that’s paramount!

yes I did say in a previous post that if my child was profoundly disabled and we got no support from services and his behaviour was so challenging it affected our everyday life massively and there was no other option (talking worst case scenario here. God forbid that happens) I would have to put him in a home as I’m not an able bodied person and would struggle caring for him with my own disabilities to deal with. I wouldn’t want to do that but would have no choice in that situation. I don’t see foster care as a chance to have a break. Foster care is a desperate last resort.

Nothing, absolutely nothing is going in, OP, is it.

I think one of the issues is you're a taker. Not a giver. It shows up in your posts. Me, me, me. Why me. What about me. Poor me.

Show us some gumption. Make a fecking effort to step up to who you need to be now you're a mum. And fecking listen to the thousands of words you've been gifted. Not the pointless hair words. Dont be the youtube content creator chasing likes and validation. Listen to the tough love words which will truly make you the best version of yourself.

Seconded.

I am listening to the advice and getting myself help and preparing myself so that I can be the best mum for my child. It’s normal to have worries in life and add disabilities and past traumas in there too. Becoming a mum is a big life change and while I’m excited I’m shitting myself with worry about not being good enough or god forbid my child growing up with a family feud. You don’t know me therefore have no idea what it is like to walk in my shoes. Yes there’s people who are much worse off than me and I pray things get better for those people.

Bump

Aw I don't think that's really fair. OP was just trying to explain the situation further and reply to things said in the thread in general.

Really hope you access the support you need. You can access the perinatal mental health team which can prioritise based on the fact you are actually pregnant and with a past history of mental health condition(s) and risk factors.

there is nothing wrong with self care but you absolutely need to have the support in place to help you deal with various scenarios eg for when you can make those hairdresser appointments and make time to tan BUT also having the support to deal with the very possible scenarios when you may not get the time to do those things due to other priorities with the baby.

Instead of building up anxieties, use some time to be more proactive by getting that support BEFORE you get to SOS point.

Thanks. That’s exactly what I was trying to do. Explain why I’m worried over so many things. X

Dear op, it sounds like at least some of your worries in your last comment are preventable or might never happen.

For example, your child might not be disabled, hopefully not. Cross that bridge if it happens.

If posting pics of a night out is likely to cause a family feud, just don't post pics.

It sounds like you've got a lot of support from your dh and mil. So I don't understand the fears about not having support.

Exactly I need to get that support in place that’s why I’ve told my health visitor how I can get low mood and she’s there for support. I also have an irrational fear that if I reach out for help e.g. the perinatal mental health team that id have higher chance of getting my son taken off me especially if i went into the ins and outs of the family feud

Hi @NewbieToThis , I think you would benefit from seeking more mental health support etc IRL. I say that as someone with a mental health disability. It's nothing to be ashamed of, to see your GP or something.

A PP effectively told you to 'pull your socks up' but that's not something someone can do on their own when they're struggling with their mental health- you need someone to help you feel more able to face the challenges ahead, because then you'll feel better about it.

But I'm sure you'll be ok. xx

The family thing sounds bad- could you have less to do with your family? As it sounds like what your parents come out with is very distressing to you. x But that's the sort of think you could talk through with a professional. There are good and bad therapists and maybe you could find one that's a better fit for you than the ones you've had before.

This perinatal team sounds a good idea.

Thanks so much. I pray my child doesn’t have a disability as it’s harder to handle this world with one and being disabled myself I know all too well the struggle and the fight to prove myself. I try not to let my disability get in the way but I worry about it holding my son back or/and not being good enough. I worry if he gets one that he’ll have to face all that and that would be heartbreaking to watch as I would feel it’s my fault that he got handed that card on life.

yes I see your point about posting pics if it causes a fight I won’t do it I was just using that as an example to explain the situation better.

I feel if another fallout happens that it would crumble the support as the feud brought everyone into a very dark place

Not at all. The perinatal mental health team are precisely for this scenario. They see this sort of thing all the time and the last thing they would want is people having babies taken off them for entirely manageable mental health symptoms.

Its just when you are in that fog of feeling anxious and down, you do have irrational fears, negative thoughts about worst case scenarios.

Please take it from someone who knows. Youve already spoken to your health visitor. That is a great step. If you ask them to, the HV and or the GP can refer you to the perinatal mental health team and support you now.

Why don't your family like to see you going out? Why does it cause a feud?

the thing I’m most worried about by having my son (and it’s sad as I shouldn’t have this worry AT ALL) is another fall out happening between my family and my in laws...This I know WILL impact bonding with my son. My family and in laws (plus a couple good friends) are me and my hubbys main support network

OP if the issues with your family are so severe that they will stop you bonding with your child, they are NOT a support network. Hoping that people who have caused you such severe struggles in the past will behave themselves or else you won't bond with your baby, is not a good plan. You need to be open with your midwife about the extent of this issue, or they can't give you the help you need.

yes I did say in a previous post that if my child was profoundly disabled and we got no support from services and his behaviour was so challenging it affected our everyday life massively and there was no other option (talking worst case scenario here. God forbid that happens) I would have to put him in a home as I’m not an able bodied person and would struggle caring for him with my own disabilities to deal with. I wouldn’t want to do that but would have no choice in that situation. I don’t see foster care as a chance to have a break. Foster care is a desperate last resort

Read your own threads OP, they're still here. That isn't what you said. You said you'd put your child in care if there was a family fall out. That you'd use foster care as a break. You need to be honest with your midwife about your thinking. They don't want to take you child, but they can't help you if you don't tell them the truth.

Or you could just keep making trivial posts on MN about haircare and dogs and talking about how you shouldn't have bothered giving up vaping since your friend didnt, and trying to get internet asspats instead of dealing with what's really going on.

I'd really recommend talking to your midwife and getting support from the perinatal mental health team. I understand your worry that it could result in the authorities looking to remove your baby, but honestly it is the opposite. An engaged mother who is proactively seeking help and support and benefiting from professional advice is much less of a concern than someone who isn't engaging and is bottling it all up. The services are there to support you and in my experience they were brilliant.

Manky minger? Not being disgusted with your natural hair colour and bleaching your hair 4x plus lifting during pregnancy all out of anxiety is being a manky minger? Not wanting to give away your baby because you won't be able to do vanity jobs is being a manky minger?

Oh love, I'm genuinely so sorry you and OP seem to hate yourselves so much and need to keep up appearances to a world which doesn't even really care about you that much, rather than know how to love and be loved truly.

It's not too late though. There's lots of good advice and support on this thread and always, online.

Fellow over thinker here lol!
I worry about everything and always think worst case scenario.
It is not easy to do but I try to adopt a ' cross each bridge as you come to it ' approach !
It really isn't easy to do - sometimes because over thinkers are always thinking one step beyond and thinking of things that may never happen.
But when faced with a big challenge of having a baby it might help to break it down in to small steps - first of all the birth - that's IT, try not to think too much beyond the birth process for now. Over the next month try to focus on your self and your DH,what ever else is going on - think to yourself how does this affect us right now as I am about to give birth. Look at how you can minimise extra stress - if you say posting pictures of an event inflamed a family feud previously then as a pp said - don't post any pictures- very hard to do if it something you are used to doing - if you are the sort of person that likes to show friends your pictures on social media then this might be harder than you think.
I can use an example from my own life - my sister has the ability to wind me up badly and get me stressed over a current legal situation we are in.
I told my dh yesterday that I might message her to let her know an update on said issue before someone who knows about the update told her instead of me. He says ' why message her now - she will only start going off on one - and then you will get stressed about something you can't do anything about on a Sunday, wait till she contacts you " he said I bring stress on myself by contacting her first. So I literally had to put my phone away and do something else.
But I feel much today for taking his advice.

Feeling good about yourself postpartum IS important, of course. As is retaining a sense of self.

But let's look at that self important sense of self the OP has. Here's a reminder of an earlier post. Which boils down to a promised resentment of the baby if she has to change her lifestyle and even more so if he's not an easy baby.

"I worry about is not getting me time when I really need it. Not being able to do the things that make me feel good like going on walks, going to the gym, meeting friends for coffee and shopping, getting my hair done, doing my tan and makeup, going on the occasional girls night or date night, filming YouTube videos etc I could make time to do them which I will but I worry people will judge me or put me down for doing that and call me a bad mum but at the end of the day every parent needs a break so to stop resentment from setting in. I know for a fact If I couldn’t do those things or I’m ridiculed for it then I would really resent my baby especially if they were colicky or a hard baby"

Perhaps it wasn't fair of me to demand gumption in my earlier response to the OP. I'm fully aware that mental health issue are not that simple to resolve. But there's a complacency and an expectation on show, and a way of conducting herself that I find really unpleasant and i think is NOT about mental health.

And there's a love of attention and drama that's indicative that problems will not be worked on.

The "bump" she gave to thread update after just a few minutes. Feuds. Dark places. She's her own main character.

This thread will end but she'll pop up again and nothing will change. It's bloody frustrating and bloody sad.

Rather sexist. Would you call a man who doesn't bleach his hair, fake tan, have lip injections or contour makeup his jaw a manky minger?

Op. Lots of people have disabilities and raise children. Lots of people have difficult babies and manage. Lots of people have past trauma and manage. Lots of people have difficult family dynamics and manage.

They manage because they are driven to provide the best environment for their baby and that overrides all. They dig deep. They recognise that they need help and they do the right thing and get the right support before it becomes a crisis.

Your posts are unearthing a worrying picture and the more I read the more it sounds, perhaps wrongly, that you are focussed on all the drama and not the one thing that deserves your full commitment.

All the focus on feuds and hair is a distraction and you clearly need a lot of of help with your mental health because if you don't, your child will suffer the fallout.

Please access the perinatal mental healthcare available to you and start addressing your neuroses.

You really do need to put done wot

Echoing PPs helpful post which highlights OPs mindset:

Not being able to do the things that make me feel good like going on walks, going to the gym, meeting friends for coffee and shopping, getting my hair done, doing my tan and makeup, going on the occasional girls night or date night, filming YouTube videos etc I could make time to do them which I will...I know for a fact If I couldn’t do those things or I’m ridiculed for it then I would really resent my baby

OP is going to resent her child if parenting him gets in the way of her filming YouTube videos. FFS.

When she lost her one day a week job she posted about giving her baby to foster care and regretting giving up vaping when pregnant:

all this stressing and other stuff going on is making it hard to bond with my unborn son and making me regret falling pregnant. I feel if I lose my job on Tuesday then I’ll completely detach from him and consider giving him up.

I knew this were to happen I would’ve continued on vaping. So much for protecting baby but it’s ok for my ‘friend’ to do it all her pregnancy but not me? Look where being careful has got me and the baby will most likely end up damaged with something wrong with it anyways. I finish work later so time to buy a vape and have a cry lol

For all the trouble I’ve had in this pregnancy he better be an easy baby and not wreck my next job lol. He’ll be sleep trained by that point and if not well he will just have to lump it

Advised another poster struggling as a single parent to put the DC in care:

If it was me being left with the kids as a single mum and not getting a break especially with my needs to consider I’d voluntarily place the kids in foster care. Just temporarily you still get to see them and have parental control. I think you should do it as you need your life back too as it works both ways

I'm not posting this to pile on the OP but to pont out that OP needs to get off MN and get some real life professional help.