Day after surgery and DH goes out with his mates- I’m fuming! AIBU?

[StonyMum]

So yesterday I had a cholecystectomy (gallbladder removal) under general anaesthetic. Today I’m feeling fairly rubbish, having trouble getting in and out of bed, in quite a lot of pain and am vomiting (which is agony with my wounds)…
Husband was working from home but then at lunchtime said he was taking the afternoon and tomorrow off work so he could go up to Liverpool for a night out with his mate. It’s 2 hours drive away and he’s staying over…
He doesn’t get to see his friend often. He asked if I minded, and I was so shocked he was even considering it that I said it was fine… but I’ve been lying here alone all evening now and getting quite upset. I feel really abandoned and vulnerable. He made sure I had a drink and some snacks in reach before he left, but I still had to navigate getting downstairs to let the dog out for a wee and crawl back up again… the kids are both away at uni.
AIBU? Or is this grounds for divorce?!

Literally the entire world stay in hospital. The NHS is mental and brainwashed people 🙄

@CheeseSandwichRiskAssessment it was a private hospital. I'd been given my information pack and the consultant came in to see me, I asked if I could go, he said yes. I called DH, told him I would wait for him in the car park. No one told me I shouldn't leave on my own, I picked up my bag and made my way back to reception the way I had come in that morning.

If it had been a big deal I'm sure they would have told me not to leave without them escorting me. DH didn't come in with me in the morning, it never occurred to me to ask him to come and collect me.

It's only from reading mumsnet since that I realise it isn't the done thing to leave hospital on your own.

I really don't think I was a risk to anyone including myself as I sat on my bag outside the hospital reception waiting for DH in the fresh air.

But my point is that the OP might well have had the conversation before the operation and it would have been fine for him to leave her as she may well have been fine.

Therefore her 'fine, ok' after the operation was auto pilot, not because she doesn't respect her own needs, but because she'd already largely agreed for him to go.

And me

He shouldn't have asked a person recovering from a GA and abdominal surgery if it was ok if he went on a bender two hours away and left you at home alone with the dog.

I'm presuming he wouldn't be happy if you did the same to him post surgery and went to Liverpool for a party with your mates?

It's not your responsibility to give him constant guidelines on how to be a caring reasonable partner, and anyone saying this is your fault for not saying no has a very low bar.

I wouldn't leave my next door neighbour alone in this position never mind a spouse.

Added that he's not been in touch, shows you clearly how much of a shit he gives, this would very much be a definitive moment in the marriage for me.

“We had discussed beforehand the possibility of him going back up the next night if I felt ok… but at that point I wasn’t expecting to feel quite so run over by a bus! So I assumed he had thrown the plan out the window…”

YABU You should have not told him it was fine for him to go if it wasn’t. If you had discussed it before the surgery he knew there was a chance he might not be able to go so it wouldn’t have come as a surprise if you asked him to stay with you.

He doesn't care about you. Up to you if you tolerate that.

But you didn’t tell him you wanted him to stay, you told him to go…Don’t say “I’m fine” when you aren’t fine.

He shouldn’t have asked, he should have realised that you would need him.
But he did ask, and you said you’d be fine, so I don’t think he’s in the wrong.
I’m sorry you’re going through this though. You can certainly use this as an example to talk over with him
about how if you’re in this situation again, you need him to understand that you might underestimate your needs and act accordingly. I would open the conversation without resentment about this instance so don’t lay on any guilt, which would be unfair since you said it was fine for him to go. But do let him know that you realised that actually you need him because you can’t cope. I also think it would be ok to call him and ask him to come back if it’s not too late (was it last night?) with apologies since you did say it would be ok, and he will be disappointed to have to leave his friend, but that you’ve realised you can’t cope.
I hope you recover quickly xx

A bit extreme. OP said he could go.

I dont think you are being unreasonable, but he did ask you and you told him you were fine, people can't read our minds.

The whole thing sounds dreary OP. You knowing he would be sitting downstairs resentful if you asked him to stay.

He shouldn't even have asked in the first place. You should have been his priority.

Rest for now. Get well and reassess the whole thing. He sounds like a waste of space.

Agree with PP, don't give him any brain space right now and focus on getting well. Do you have someone who can come over to keep you company, or have a chat on the phone ?

So he hasn’t even bothered to check in?
Honestly op you deserve so much more than this….

I think it's one of those situations where you just wouldn't expect to be asked. So when you are, you doubt yourself and might think you're being a nuisance if you say 'no'. It's the wrong answer because it's the wrong question. He should have cancelled his plans and taken the decision out of your hands. It's a form of manipulation to ask you, knowing you will likely want to be kind. You'd be spoiling his fun, poor lamb. Women and our bloody guilt, eh?

You do realise it’s laparoscopic surgery?? No need to stay 5 days . There is really no need to use up precious hospital resources if you don’t need it . There would be a lot more sick people waiting .

My ex used to do stuff like this all the time. “Ask” if he could do something that most people wouldn’t even have considered to be ok. Forcing me to either be the bad guy who said no or say ok because I didn’t want to feel like an awful person always saying no.

It got really tiring and one day we had an argument where I said he never put me first and he responded that he didn’t know what that meant.

We separated not long after. I was always at the bottom of his list of priorities, surgery didn’t change that.

Sorry OP. If he really cared would he have even asked to go? Or would he have explained to his friend Stony Mum’s just had surgery, we’ll have to catch up another time.

I can only speak for myself but I know my own mind I don't need a male to make it up for me, if I say I would be fine no need to stay I would mean that

This female mind game thing does no good for anyone

I never said I was going home under my own steam - where have people got this idea from? As for someone staying with me, there is literally no-one to stay.

I’m surprised the hospital didn’t tell you that you needed someone with you for at least 24 hours. In which case that’s an automatic no for him.

You should have closed the idea down even before the surgery.

I used to do that where I'd say something was fine but actually it wasn't and I would sit there upset and resentful that they'd gone ahead and done it. He has been a thoughtless selfish arse, there is no denying it, but also you really need to learn to communicate with him, if you'd have said no I need you here, presumably he'd have stayed and you wouldn't be now struggling and feeling upset and angry. You don't help yourself by being a martyr.

I don't live in the UK and people here don't stay in hospital for five days after a straightforward gallbladder removal so "literally the entire world stay in hospital" is nonsense.

The issue here isnt really that you said it was fine.

But that he even considered it and asked you in the first place! He should've said no to his friends instantly and made you his priority.

I don't think I'd get over that

You will find the hospital insists you have someone to take you home - and not a taxi driver!

I lived alone when I had mine out and got my mum to come and stay with me. So glad I did as I don't think I would have managed otherwise.

Just because it's day case, doesn't mean it isn't major surgery. The first few days I barely got out of bed. You need a better plan than 'I'll cope'.

Nope, I would not be able to live with such a thoughtless idiot!
He did not take time out of work to care for you, but he did to go and see a friend?
And he did this after seeing how you were? And actually bloody left you? I bet you he has not even called.
I am same as you, if somebody asks me an outrageous question, I just go with it and see if they are actually that stupid and careless. These sort of people are not for me!

Too many people focused on the fact you said "it's and not on your comment about him sitting on the sofa resenting you.

OP this is just symbolic of a marriage where one no longer cares enough to have planned to just be looking after their partner post op and another no longer expects that care or feels like its worth the 'guilt' of expectation

So are you happy with this? If not what can you change?