Day after surgery and DH goes out with his mates- I’m fuming! AIBU?

[StonyMum]

So yesterday I had a cholecystectomy (gallbladder removal) under general anaesthetic. Today I’m feeling fairly rubbish, having trouble getting in and out of bed, in quite a lot of pain and am vomiting (which is agony with my wounds)…
Husband was working from home but then at lunchtime said he was taking the afternoon and tomorrow off work so he could go up to Liverpool for a night out with his mate. It’s 2 hours drive away and he’s staying over…
He doesn’t get to see his friend often. He asked if I minded, and I was so shocked he was even considering it that I said it was fine… but I’ve been lying here alone all evening now and getting quite upset. I feel really abandoned and vulnerable. He made sure I had a drink and some snacks in reach before he left, but I still had to navigate getting downstairs to let the dog out for a wee and crawl back up again… the kids are both away at uni.
AIBU? Or is this grounds for divorce?!

Who is walking the dog?

My husband recently had his appendix out, so a lot less traumatic than yours, on his first full day at home he said I was fine to go to work. As an adult with eyes and feelings I knew that wasn’t appropriate and stayed at home until he could safely manage the toilet etc alone.

This. Did you tell him you couldn't manage ti see to rhe dog?

He asked, you said it was fine, now he's going to come home to a really pissed off wife. He shouldn't have asked, you shouldn't have said yes.

Fault on both sides. Learn from your mistakes, forgive and forget. Communicate better next time.

OP i think you are getting a really hard time. I think I'd have told my OH to go, especially if it meant catching up with someone they didn't see very often.

You underestimated the pain you'd be in.

I had a GA last year and was determined I'd be fine (not abdo surgery though) and I walked out of hospital without anyone escorting me, in order to wait for DH in the car park despite feeling very woozy.

The moment I woke up the next morning I went for a very slow but hour long walk so that I could take the support stockings off which had to stay on until I was active again, so I made myself be active!!

DH didn't know I had left the house he was still asleep.

So the point is, you might have started to feel much better and much more on top of things and then if you were like me, you'd have felt guilty for asking him to stay.

I've got to have a much bigger surgery this year which will be abdominal. If DH said that he had a ticket to the biggest rugby match of the season two days after my surgery I would absolutely tell him to go, and book the dogs into the dog sitter.

You’re not really fine though, are you?

I'm going to take a not-wild guess and say this is not new behaviour. The exact circumstances might be new, but I’ll bet you have a history of not insisting on your needs being met and he has a history of taking that at face value when he ought to know better.

Absolutely he should not have gone. But you did have agency in this situation to say no.

Now you’re justifying him and minimising your own needs. It’s still not ok. The friend lives in Ireland, and he still sees him a couple of times a year. It’s not Australia and once a decade.

He is in the wrong, absolutely. But you’re the one with the power to tell him to be better.

I think a lot of us would have said fine. We all do it all the time. At least I do. The question he asked probably wasn’t a real question. When someone asks “you don’t mind do you?” many of us are conditioned to say “no, of course not” Op, I have been in your situation so many times. I am not as confident as many on here. I expect better from a partner. What he has done to you is so disappointing. Hope you get better soon.

Why would you do those things ? You were incredibly reckless and it's dangerous to tell other people that it's ok to do things like that.

I'm not telling anyone to do things like that. I'm saying that I was fine and estimated the impact of my general anaesthetic on myself and was able to crack on.

OP might well have felt better quite quickly too. I'd never had an anaesthetic and was very happy to find I had a lot more energy than I'd been led to expect.

And support stockings are fecking awful if you get hot feet and I couldn't bare to wear them any longer than I had to!

You do not need complete bed rest as someone suggested.. even after major cardiac surgery,you are up and moving as soon as possible. To prevent possible complications and it aids you recovering. I was nursing over 40 years,and had both my gall bladder and appendicitis at the same time. Huge scar. Ex unavailable to get time off work, I stayed with my aunt for a week. (We had a 2 year old)Have had quite a few abdominal surgeries, and the GA always made me vomit.

You just had surgery. He shouldn't have asked. You said you were fine, but anything anybody says writhing 48 hours of surgery and GA needs to be taken with a pinch of salt really. GA can have big effects on people that aren't immediately obvious.

The idea that laparoscopic surgery is "less" than "open" is true. Still, you don't have five holes bored into your abdomen (which is pumped full of air) , going under muscle, a camera out in and an organ removed as a normal, every day experience. It's faster and easier than slicing everything open, but it's still very invasive surgery. And that's before the GA.

@StonyMum I thought every husband was aware that when their wife says it is "fine" then it most certainly means it is NOT "fine"!! I cannot believe a partner could be that callous! hopefully in the future, if he has any surgeries, you do not show him compassion at all!

If your surgery was prebooked and he had his ticket why didn't you call a friend or family member to stay over with you if you were both happy for him to go?

I've had gallbladder surgery and couldn't sit up on my own but could shuffle/slow walk the next day. Might be to do with being a redhead? (we need more anaesthetic - really!) There's no way I could have been left on my own at home with stairs and DDog as I could barely get to the loo unaided for 3 days afterwards. I was very sleepy and a bit wobbly for at least a week after the surgery.

Why are so many people telling the OP she shouldn't have said fine? She's feeling like shit after surgery, this isn't the time when she should be formulating cogent arguments as to why he should stay and look after her.
I know exactly why you said 'fine' OP, I've been there. I'm not with that man now.

He's an arsehole to have done this. If one of my friends said they'd left their post surgery partner to come on a jolly with me I'd think a lot less of them. Jesus.

I'm saying it because they'd had a cogent discussion.before the surgery about him going if she felt ok. So the only question he could ask is are you ok for me to go and she said yes.

The question was expected, it had previously been discussed.

@Droolylabradors it's the fact you went out and about by yourself, twice, less then 24 hours after GA surgery.

I'm sure the hospital would have been furious if they knew you walked to the car park by yourself because that put them at a serious liability risk to them and physical risk to you, which would have needed more NHS care that sould have gone to someone who needed it and didn't just take risks so they could feel smug about how tough they are. I'm honestly appalled.

He was a knob for even considering leaving you, never mind suggesting it.
Get back on the phone and tell him to come home asap.

This. I’d have absolutely said no it is not fine.

They let you go home? I have worked in medicine all across Asia and never known less than 5 days recovery in the ward. No wonder you feel crap.

@OnlyYesterday @BlurringTheLines @Maddy70
Tbf the OP had literally just had the op when he announced his plans before asking if that was ok.

I doubt her head was in the right place after a major op and general anaesthetic. I can totally see how befuddled one would be in the state op would have been in. After an op I would be feeling vulnerable and quite likely self questioning so would possibly think I shouldn't be making a fuss. The next day when I'd come to my senses I'd be WTF???

Why would he even have thought it was ok?

Please remember this next time he’s ill. Don’t play nursemaid to a cunt.

Your husbands a selfish prick end of. You’ve had surgery and he’s left you alone and to top it off hasn’t even contacted you to check in. You are not high on his priority list.

Absolutely no need to stay in hospital for 5 days with laparoscopic surgical removal of your gallbladder . One night is sufficient, of course unless complications set in , but that’s a completely different kettle of fish .

The hospital will ask you to arrange for someone to pick you up from hospital (taxi not allowed) and to have someone stay with you for the first 24 hours. This is for your own safety in case of post-operative complications.