Day after surgery and DH goes out with his mates- I’m fuming! AIBU?

[StonyMum]

So yesterday I had a cholecystectomy (gallbladder removal) under general anaesthetic. Today I’m feeling fairly rubbish, having trouble getting in and out of bed, in quite a lot of pain and am vomiting (which is agony with my wounds)…
Husband was working from home but then at lunchtime said he was taking the afternoon and tomorrow off work so he could go up to Liverpool for a night out with his mate. It’s 2 hours drive away and he’s staying over…
He doesn’t get to see his friend often. He asked if I minded, and I was so shocked he was even considering it that I said it was fine… but I’ve been lying here alone all evening now and getting quite upset. I feel really abandoned and vulnerable. He made sure I had a drink and some snacks in reach before he left, but I still had to navigate getting downstairs to let the dog out for a wee and crawl back up again… the kids are both away at uni.
AIBU? Or is this grounds for divorce?!

YABU to say you were fine with it when you obviously were not

Saying that he is very much lacking in any emotional intelligence if he thought this was a good idea

I think you should message him ‘the truth is I was too shocked to say I minded because on what planet does a caring husband even ask his wife who has just had surgery can he fuck off out with mates a couple of hours away?? I don’t want to see you, or hear from you, possibly ever again. If we stay together you had better not need any support of any kind for the foreseeable future as I shall promptly take a leaf out of your caring spouse book and fuck off to amuse myself.’

that sounds a very reasonable message. Can you go to stay with anyone to recover? I would really like other people in your life to know he can do this.

Enough of the animal slurs 🙄

Good point. I love pigs Soz

I thought you were gonna say something minor like a toenail removal or something

Your fucking gall bladder?

That he would even ask the question is out of order. He knows his wife is unwell and recovering from surgery. Sorry OP. Now you know ' in sickness and in health' means nothing to him. Hope you feel better soon.

He shouldn’t have asked you if it was ok - that was disingenuous because now he can say - well you agreed. It should never have been a plan in the first place - outrageous that this was ever in his mind. I would be furious.

Aside from all this, you shouldn't be vomiting - as per a PP

I'm speechless - which is rare!
So quoting another poster instead!

This is outrageous.

Text Dh and say you stunned by his question and should never have said yes - but he should never have asked. And that you expect him home first thing.

How long did the hospital say you needed supervising / caring for? I bet it was longer than 24 hours

If he's not at yours at 8am I would call in reinforcements - does a neighbour or nearby relative have a key? If so request them to come over, let the dog out, and bring you a cup of tea and something to eat. Let him be embarrassed that you needed this.

How far away are your kids? Could one of them pop back tomorrow to make sure you're OK?

Of course he shouldn't have gone but why on earth did you say it was ok?!
I had my gall bladder out about a decade ago. A day after I was struggling hugely with moving between lying, sitting and standing. I was ok when still but if I need to get up to go to the toilet or anything it was incredibly painful. As was the post surgery gas as it moved up to my shoulders.
I live by myself so my dad stayed with me for a few days post op. If I'd had to cope alone I'd have found a way with a lot of prep, I'm sure, but it would have been a big struggle and wouldn't have felt particularly safe in case any the went wrong.
If this is standard behaviour for him you need a big conversation and you both need to communicate better.

Thanks for all the support, and yes I probably shouldn’t have said I would be fine… but he would’ve only been sitting downstairs watching telly wishing he’d been ’allowed’ to go and probably resenting me for it.
The vomiting I think is due to the GA and codeine, so I’m not too concerned as it seems to be easing.
It was laparoscopic not open surgery, but only just. The surgeon said it was quite tricky (almost 2 hours) and I would be quite sore for a while.
But in my husband’s defence, I forgot to mention that the friend now lives in Ireland so they don’t see each other more than a couple of times a year and he had flown over for the funeral of a mutual friend’s dad… the funeral was also in Liverpool and DH went up for that while I was having surgery as it was the same day, but he didn’t go to the wake so he could come back and pick me up from hospital (I wasn’t allowed home in a taxi!). We had discussed beforehand the possibility of him going back up the next night if I felt ok… but at that point I wasn’t expecting to feel quite so run over by a bus! So I assumed he had thrown the plan out the window…

But I mean at the end of the day, I am fine… just lying in bed, can make it to the bathroom (slowly) when I need to. I have a bottle of water… a cup of tea would be nice but that’s a bit too much effort for me to make myself and I can live without it.
However, he did promise to check in with me regularly by text/phone, and he appears to have forgotten that part of the deal completely… I think that’s what’s ringing the biggest alarm bells for me!!

I had my gallbladder out 17 days ago. It may be a relatively common procedure, but it's still major surgery! You're in pain for several days to a week afterwards and you need someone there for you. My DH stayed home to take care of me - bringing me meals in bed, doing all the cooking for the family and generally being supportive. I think it's awful that your DH left you.

You probably didn't say no to him because you were still full of anaesthetic and painkillers and therefore not able to think clearly. The meds stay in your body for days after the op.

I hope your recovery goes smoothly. You're not meant to do any lifting or housework, remember! (Another reason your DH should be at home with you).

He shouldn't have asked and he should be there but he did ask you said he didn't mind.

So just don't think grounds for divorce but I'd be hurt too.

Feel better soon

I was just about to say that I am hoping to have my gallbladder removed sometime in the future, and I live alone and will have to cope by myself as well as feed my demanding cat.

I would be very very cross.
I had a scope under sedation not so long ago and DH was more or less by my side and did more or less all household and childcare duties for 48 hours.

Ps. You shouldn't have said it was fine, I missed that in your OP. You're a grown up and should be able to advocate for your own care needs.

So you discussed him going before your surgery and you were fine with it as long as you were feeling ok.

Then he checked with you, that you were still ok with him going and you said you were.

I think he shouldn’t have gone. But I think you should have been honest and told him you weren’t well enough for him to go.

I get before surgery you not realising how crap you would feel. But he checked if you were well enough for him go and you said yes.

It sounded like he dropped it in you out of the blue. But he didn’t. He did what he said he would. Check you were ok before going. Why did you assume, he wouldn’t go. When you you both planned for him to go, depending on how you felt and you told him you felt well enough for him to go.

No not ok and the vomiting not ok.

You can't guilt trip him after you said it was fine. After abdominal surgery you should be cared for and on complete bed rest. So you ahould have told.him.he needs to do everything at home for the first 7days if not more.

YANBU, but it's quite marginal. You did tell him it was OK, and obviously he was going to jump at the chance to go if you let him. He should've known better though.

You'll need to find someone to be there to bring you home and at least 24 hours after the surgery.

OP I wasn't surprised you mentioned other unpleasant behavior on his part, how can he resent caring for you ? Does he contribute to your life in any positive way ? Do you do a lot for him ?

Not ok!

He shouldn’t have asked you in the first place

A funeral is still not an excuse to go away during your surgery. I wasn’t able to make one a few weeks ago because I had recently given birth. Many funerals are live streamed now.

And yes PP makes a good point about you possibly not thinking straight due to GA staying your body. I couldn’t even figure out how to open my front door after my GA.

A question op - did you discuss the procedure and aftercare plan with him?

I booked days off work to help both my DH and DM after they surgery. I also live far away from most of my friends and this is also no excuse.

Awful that he’s not texting you to check you’re ok. Is he aware there is a risk of infection after any surgery?

I’d be having an honest conversation with him about how he’s behaved and that you are considering divorce.

What is the point in victim blaming?

I had expected to be much more mobile than I was. It really knocked me for 6. I would definitely get someone to come and stay with you for a couple of days to make sure you are ok.
Good luck with your op.

If I actually needed him I would have asked him to stay but 'you need too say just because' then no I would no have problems with him going, same if it was reversed