Day after surgery and DH goes out with his mates- I’m fuming! AIBU?

[StonyMum]

So yesterday I had a cholecystectomy (gallbladder removal) under general anaesthetic. Today I’m feeling fairly rubbish, having trouble getting in and out of bed, in quite a lot of pain and am vomiting (which is agony with my wounds)…
Husband was working from home but then at lunchtime said he was taking the afternoon and tomorrow off work so he could go up to Liverpool for a night out with his mate. It’s 2 hours drive away and he’s staying over…
He doesn’t get to see his friend often. He asked if I minded, and I was so shocked he was even considering it that I said it was fine… but I’ve been lying here alone all evening now and getting quite upset. I feel really abandoned and vulnerable. He made sure I had a drink and some snacks in reach before he left, but I still had to navigate getting downstairs to let the dog out for a wee and crawl back up again… the kids are both away at uni.
AIBU? Or is this grounds for divorce?!

Yeap. I like that

Of course she said yes out of shock

I’d be angry and upset that he even asked. Plenty of us have friends we don’t see regularly because of life/chores/work/illness getting in the way.

I was really poorly after the same op. In hospital for 4 days and needed 2 blood transfusions. I was then in agony at home for a few days whilst the gas moved around my abdomen and organs started to shift about. So it may be a fairly common procedure, but it’s invasive.

For those saying that single people manage post-op alone… that’s not the point when OP is married. She’s got a partner, who should be doing the heavy lifting when she can’t.

He shouldn't have asked in the first place but I'm guessing he doesn't know how much you are struggling. I wouldn't hold it over him as you said fine. But I would message and say you are struggling to get out of bed can't make food/drinks. Can he come back as quickly as possible please.

Reading your second post YABU, you discussed it prior and then said it's fine? The you're not happy as you're not fine?

This was my concern too, I was up and about the next day & my DH went to work.

Well, as I have been waiting 8 months just to see a surgeon I don't imagine the op will be for a long time yet!

I don't have anyone to come and stay with me so will just have to deal with it. I'm well used to looking after myself when I'm ill.

I hope you are soon feeling much better 💐

So selfish of him to even ask and he should want to be there to make sure you are ok and looked after in case you had any adverse delayed reaction or infection. I would have said no but this would be a big thing for me and would change totally how I feel about him and the relationship, respect would be gone and would be thinking do I really want a future with a man who does not care or even think about anyone but himself. Hope you are feeling ok.

The first morning after mine I couldn't get out of bed without a pull up and my ex also helped me a lot the first day. I was fine after that myself. So yes, he should not have left you. No way!

I had surgery recently (my first time ever really being properly unwell, so a new experience all round!), with 4 hours GA and I couldn’t stand up without needing to vomit or faint for a good 2 days. Your H might not see his mate very often, but presumably you don’t have surgery with GA very often either and I think in this scenario you should absolutely be his priority. If he and his mate need to see each other ao desperately, his mate could always have come down to you, both of them are complete idiots.

If you love someone, you do not leave them the day after a two hour op under GA to have a night out with a friend under any circumstances. The fact he even wanted to do this and thought it was OK to ask says it all. The fact he is now not checking in as promised is also unacceptable and actually quite cruel. I’m quite shocked tbh. I hope you feel better soon OP.

I’ve never forgot after coming home from an open appendix removal (gangerous, ruptured, could have died) - ex DP sodded off to Arsenal. So selfish and it was a black mark for me forever

This.

He asked if I minded, and I was so shocked he was even considering it that I said it was fine…

OK two things. When asked, ask for what you what. Second, good men don't ask for unconscionable things.

I’ve had my gallbladder removed. Home the next day , keyhole surgery . My husband worked and I was home alone until the evenings . I was completely fine, just walked a bit slower. I didn’t ever need looking after . But I do think your husband was a bit thoughtless and I can understand you being emotional because he’s off on a social.

YABU to say you are fine. You are very CLEARLY not fine.

He has just shown you his priorities loud and clear.

Would I want to grow old with someone this selfish? Not a chance.

Get on his phone and tell him you are sick and to come home! If he refuses that will tell you everything.
You shouldn’t be vomiting… seek medical advice.
The problem with laparoscopic surgery is that you have little incisions on abdomen which look like diddly squat but it’s quite major what’s done inside.
Best wishes xx

You should not have said it was fine.
Also he should not have arranged it

All the people saying it's OPs fault as she said it was fine, have a word with yourself. In what universe would you, after your partner had had surgery, even consider going away for an evening the day after. It was an insult to ask, and says a huge amount about him, and how he values you and your relationship. Can you get someone else to come and stay, and confirm to him that you are considering your next steps when you recover.

I wonder what he would have said if she’d said she didn’t want him to go. In my mind he shouldn’t have even asked her if she minded. It shouldn’t have even crossed his mind to leave her alone. It’s a shitty thing to do.

I can guarantee my dh would not leave me on my own after surgery.
But tbf your dh sounds more thoughtless than mean.
Just remember next time he gets ill to leave him a drink and snacks before heading out on a girls night.

Who's the victim? He asked if he could go OP said yes??

Op, am I right in that you probably agreed & said "I'm fine" to keep the peace? You put him first above yourself & no doubt always have done?

Whereas, he, having had the discussion with his friend, should have told his friend "no, can't come, Stonymum is having surgery & I need to be home." End of discussion.

You would have been none the wiser because he'd be home looking after you.

He's not even checking in with you & he's left you with a dog!

I'm sorry OP I feel for you. Anyone, surely, would even help a friend in your situation, this is your husband.

This is no reflection on you...it's him.

Really hope the pain eases up for you & tell him when he gets back that, actually, you really have been suffering & let him pick up the slack.

Wonder what time he'll get home?

xxx

You said it was fine? YABU.

YABU for telling it him it was fine! It does sound like there was a bit of an expectation from his side that he would be able to go but you are definitely not unreasonable to seriously consider divorcing him over this. He sounds selfish and oblivious