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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Day after surgery and DH goes out with his mates- I’m fuming! AIBU?

357 replies

StonyMum · 11/02/2024 00:39

So yesterday I had a cholecystectomy (gallbladder removal) under general anaesthetic. Today I’m feeling fairly rubbish, having trouble getting in and out of bed, in quite a lot of pain and am vomiting (which is agony with my wounds)…
Husband was working from home but then at lunchtime said he was taking the afternoon and tomorrow off work so he could go up to Liverpool for a night out with his mate. It’s 2 hours drive away and he’s staying over…
He doesn’t get to see his friend often. He asked if I minded, and I was so shocked he was even considering it that I said it was fine… but I’ve been lying here alone all evening now and getting quite upset. I feel really abandoned and vulnerable. He made sure I had a drink and some snacks in reach before he left, but I still had to navigate getting downstairs to let the dog out for a wee and crawl back up again… the kids are both away at uni.
AIBU? Or is this grounds for divorce?!

OP posts:
CantFindMyMarbles · 12/02/2024 20:50

id ask him to bring loads of stuff upstairs before he leaves and tell him to have a nice time.
People recover from this surgery when they’re alone. They manage and you’ll manage.

Titsywoo · 12/02/2024 20:55

I wouldn't feel the same way about my DH if he did something like that to me. I had surgery just over 2 weeks ago. A bit more extensive than what you had but DH didn't leave my side for a whole week and did everything for me as I was so weak and sore. I didn't have to lift a finger to cook, clean etc and he gave me blood thinning injections each night, pain killers every few hours and kept a close eye on wounds etc (I'm squeamish as fuck so didn't want to look).

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/02/2024 20:55

Coyoacan · 12/02/2024 20:45

Sorry - but you said it was fine. Men take these things literally.

A decent man wouldn't have asked

This. There are some questions designed to have women choose between being mugs and being bitches. They almost always start, "do you mind if I...". And end with,

...go on a three week stag to Thailand
...leave you sick and recovering to meet my mates
...get a lap dance
...stay over at my exes house
...leave all the housework and go to my hobby
...leave all the childcare to you (see above)

The correct answers to these questions range from:

"Yeah, right" to "what you do think?". I don't know where they are trained to ask these questions, and where women are trained to go against their own needs to facilitate men's wants, but here we are.

AxolotlEars · 12/02/2024 20:59

Regardless of how insensitive it was he's not a mind reader. He asked, you said it was fine so he took you at your word.

Personally at this point I would call him and tell him how ill you are and ask him to come home

Friars28 · 12/02/2024 21:00

Unfortunately people are selfish and they dont want to see past their nose

Havinganamechange · 12/02/2024 21:41

There must be something in the water this month bit major dick alert, horrible behaviour and I would give him what for. So selfish.

Nantescalling · 12/02/2024 21:46

He asked if you minded and you said 'I'll be fine'. More fool you SORRY but straight from the heart. He is a bastard to have gone though, I'll give you that. Since it's only 2 hrs drive away, can't you phone and ask him to come back?

Karaokekween · 12/02/2024 23:03

My ex's best mate went to the pub the day after his gf had a c-section. I'm not a mum, but I thought that was mad - they had two kids and she'd had a major op. I told ex and he told me off for "not being relaxed" and she was happy about it as she was the only one able to breastfeed anyway. Anyway, we broke up because I got really ill, he was really shit, I flagged and he was shocked "I wasn't chilled about his behaviour [like best mate's girlfriend]." That's what he wanted, and if I had been less gobby we might well still be together. Genuinely, maybe some of these women are happy with this sort of dynamic as his mate's partner honestly seemed fine with him f*ing off to the pub.

andthat · 12/02/2024 23:21

PuppyMonkey · 11/02/2024 13:16

He’s a selfish bell end for asking. End of thread.

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Correct!

andthat · 12/02/2024 23:26

CantFindMyMarbles · 12/02/2024 20:50

id ask him to bring loads of stuff upstairs before he leaves and tell him to have a nice time.
People recover from this surgery when they’re alone. They manage and you’ll manage.

But she’s not alone.
So shouldn’t have to manage.
In fact it’s worst than being on her own as her husband is demonstrating a total lack of care for her. And that is utterly shit.

Notaregularmummy · 12/02/2024 23:42

Why would he even ask you? It’s so bloody obvious that leaving you alone the day and night after surgery is ridiculous and selfish that anyone with common sense wouldn’t even entertain the idea. So what if you said ‘it’s fine’ you’ve just had surgery and may still be a bit ‘not with it’ he should have even entertained the idea in his head let alone let it escape his mouth!

Teenagehorrorbag · 13/02/2024 00:19

Hard to know really. Every op is different and leaves people feeling able to do - or not do - different things. I had a C-section 15 years ago and was able to do almost everything within a week or two - other people take longer to recover or have complications. Nothing is black and white.

I do feel as your DH asked and you said it was fine, he probably had no reason to think otherwise? I hope that if you had said you weren't well enough, he would have stayed home? But as you didn't (and I'm not saying it's your fault, just what it was at the time.....) - I don't think he can be blamed for not realising you needed more support. Any of us who haven't had experience of ops and hospitals, might not get it either.....??

Buffs · 13/02/2024 00:19

Can’t you medicate to avoid the vomiting? I had a similar operation and was given ondansetron and prochlorperazine. Good medication should ensure you are pretty comfortable.

Samlewis96 · 13/02/2024 00:29

MiddleEats · 11/02/2024 03:13

No not ok and the vomiting not ok.

You can't guilt trip him after you said it was fine. After abdominal surgery you should be cared for and on complete bed rest. So you ahould have told.him.he needs to do everything at home for the first 7days if not more.

Not sure on the complete bed rest. I had a radical hysterectomy which is much bigger abdominal surgery and the hospital insisted that I was up and walking within a few hours of operation. And told me about moving regularly as laying in bed can cause dangerous blood clots

Samlewis96 · 13/02/2024 00:40

Fbearsmum · 12/02/2024 19:10

I'm single with a 13 year old and waiting for a date for a procedure under a general and if I can't find an adult to stay at mine for the night I've got to stay in hospital as you need to have someone with you

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What happens with kids in that case if you have no one to have them?

IloveAslan · 13/02/2024 00:45

Samlewis96 · 13/02/2024 00:29

Not sure on the complete bed rest. I had a radical hysterectomy which is much bigger abdominal surgery and the hospital insisted that I was up and walking within a few hours of operation. And told me about moving regularly as laying in bed can cause dangerous blood clots

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I agree. Hospitals get people up and moving as soon as possible after any surgery, complete bed rest is not advised at all.

HollaHolla · 13/02/2024 01:40

Hope you’re doing a bit better, OP.
I live alone, and after surgery to remove my appendix, I got a friend to come stay for a couple nights. She went to work, but was around in the evenings, and made dinner/kept me company/fetched and helped me out a bit. Do you have someone who could come stay, watch movies, and get a takeout or something, together?
take care

mathanxiety · 13/02/2024 01:51

Presumably they sent you home from the hospital on the basis that you would have someone there to help you in the post op days.

Maybe call him and tell him the joke has gone on too long so he needs to come home. Tell him you have no recollection of saying yes, go, because you were off your tits on medication.

If I were his friends I'd be appalled and completely mortified that he had left you

Call your doctor about the vomiting. (It's probably related to the anesthesia). You don't want to pop stitches. They can give you medication to control it. But you'll need someone to fetch it if they prescribe it, and stay with you after you've taken it.

He needs to come to his senses and get home.

I've had my GB out. You need him home.

mathanxiety · 13/02/2024 02:04

I think many who are asking why you said you were fine with it have perhaps never experienced the shock to the system that major surgery is, or the after effects of general anesthesia. There's a reason they tell you not to drive or make big decisions right after surgery.

The day I was discharged after my GB was removed, exMIL asked me to take care of DD who needed a nappy change. She had come to 'help' but her definition of help and mine didn't have much in common. I was so out of it that I didn't say a thing, just saw to little DD, and it nearly killed me.

OP, it's concerning that you're sure your H would have sat sulking in the sitting room if you had spoken up. When you recover, selfishness, callousness, and sulking on his part need to be confronted.

Fbearsmum · 13/02/2024 05:20

Samlewis96 · 13/02/2024 00:40

What happens with kids in that case if you have no one to have them?

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I'd have to ask his father if he could stay at his for the night, luckily I've got a very good friend who's going to stay with me

Longma · 13/02/2024 08:42

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Longma · 13/02/2024 08:45

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wombat15 · 13/02/2024 10:26

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Yes, the taxi driver can't be expected to take responsibility for people being discharged from hospital.

greenbeansnspinach · 13/02/2024 11:23

The OP explained that she was taken off guard hence her reply saying she’d be fine.
It takes little wit to realise that if your partner has just had surgery, a decent human being will stay by their side rather than going out enjoying yourself.
It would make me look at my partner n a different light, and not a flattering one.

Iwasafool · 13/02/2024 12:26

wombat15 · 13/02/2024 10:26

Yes, the taxi driver can't be expected to take responsibility for people being discharged from hospital.

Show quote history

I wish it was true. Aunt in her late 80s, advanced dementia, hospital promised to let me know when she was being discharged so I could make sure house was warm, food in and carers visit restarted. I phoned to ask for an update and they said she was in a taxi they had provided and on her way home. I asked if she had meds with her (she couldn't be responsible for them due to dementia but on the other hand they were needed when she got home so either answer was bad) unfortunately they didn't know.

I got the impression that the nurses and doctors on the ward weren't interested in someone with dementia but the fact remains dementia, mental illness, addiction, sufferers are as entitled to care and treatment as anyone else so they might need to be on a surgical ward.

OP I hope your recovery is going well.