Day after surgery and DH goes out with his mates- I’m fuming! AIBU?

[StonyMum]

So yesterday I had a cholecystectomy (gallbladder removal) under general anaesthetic. Today I’m feeling fairly rubbish, having trouble getting in and out of bed, in quite a lot of pain and am vomiting (which is agony with my wounds)…
Husband was working from home but then at lunchtime said he was taking the afternoon and tomorrow off work so he could go up to Liverpool for a night out with his mate. It’s 2 hours drive away and he’s staying over…
He doesn’t get to see his friend often. He asked if I minded, and I was so shocked he was even considering it that I said it was fine… but I’ve been lying here alone all evening now and getting quite upset. I feel really abandoned and vulnerable. He made sure I had a drink and some snacks in reach before he left, but I still had to navigate getting downstairs to let the dog out for a wee and crawl back up again… the kids are both away at uni.
AIBU? Or is this grounds for divorce?!

" I was just in for 8hrs or so but was in agony afterwards and couldn't get out of bed myself for the loo."

Your bf is a hero, but why the hell are people left in agony??? Why can't people be given adequate pain relief?

I understand why you said it was fine OP, he caught you off-guard and you were vulnerable. My ex did something similar, and though the relationship trundled on for years after that, i now realise that that was the beginning of the end. I should have ended it then and there. When someone who is supposed to care about you shows you that they don't, that's the end. I'm so sorry OP

I've had surgery twice, both times I've left on my own in a taxi. They advise against it but they don't hold you prisoner.

Why say it’s fine and then moan 🙄

Whenever I've had day surgery I've been asked if I would have someone at home with me for the first 24 hours, otherwise they wouldn't do it as a day case

No wonder there's a housing shortage

You're not supposed to sign a legal contract for three days after a general anaesthetic, I think that suggests that you might not be in a fit state to agree that the person who is supposed to look after you is fine to fuck off to another city overnight and leave you to not just fend for yourself, but also look after the dog.

And it's all very well for the posters saying they had triple bypass surgery and refitted their kitchen on their own the following day, but you only know that with hindsight, don't you? I had a general anaesthetic once and skipped around afterwards full of beans because of the lovely nap I had mid-morning. The next time, I was was fine going home and then semi-conscious on the sofa for a whole afternoon, unable to move, wishing someone would take notice of me and bring me a drink because I thought I was going to die of thirst. And both of these were for procedures where there isn't a wound or any pain afterwards, and any aftercare was purely about making sure I was safe until the anaesthetic wore off. Leaving someone who has had an internal organ removed on their own is a profoundly shitty thing to do.

I've been in hospital for day surgery, much more minor than gall bladder removal. Person next to me lived alone. Said their neighbour was on hand if they needed anything. They wouldn't discharge them. Said someone had to stay with them for 2 nights or they'd keep them in. She then claimed to them neighbour would stay but they insisted said neighbour had to come pick her up and confirm to them in person they would stay. She was relying on her young teenager to get help if needed. From what I overhead through curtain of her phone calls neighbour didn't even know about surgery. She discharged herself againsy medical advice as no childcare. OP if they knew your DH was planning this you'd still be in hospital. It's not safe for you to be home alone so you need to get him back or get someone else over.

It seems several posters are fine with giving the NVDH a pass because she said it was "fine".

I guess they don't realize that it takes a minimum of 48 hours for anesthesia to leave your body.

@StonyMum Different people react differently. I had laparoscopy surgery on my GB. I told everyone not to bother coming to see me (overnight stay) because it was supposed to be a piece of cake. Well, it wasn't and luckily my Mom and DH didn't listen to me. I had problems from the air pumped in and ended up with a rental hospital bed at home. It took a week before I felt better, and the air had found its way out. Another friend had it and went to Vegas two days later.

Surgery is like childbirth. Some have 2-hour labors and some have 36-hour labors. There is no rule to fit all.

Your NVDH should have known better, and him leaving you makes him a super twat waffle. I am sorry you are having such a rough time with it. You should remember this the next time your NVDH gets ill/has surgery/is in the hospital. Just go on a holiday and leave him to it. Especially if he can be home and watch the dog too. Just remember to leave him a few snacks and water before you go off and have fun.

Don't be silly. The taxi isn't the issue. It is the hospital needing to know you would have someone with you. Your husband being there is the key..

Personally I prefer to throw up in private!

But I get why you would want him to stay, I get why you're annoyed he didn't automatically stay - but you said he could go.

How long were you in labor? Anything longer than 2 hours must mean you are a drama queen. And a twat waffle.

I'm awaiting the MNers who had gallbladder surgery and told the surgeon "no thanks" to any anesthetic because they needed to go pick up their children from school, do the shopping, take the kids to after school activities
and run a marathon before getting home to cook dinner, do 12 loads of wash and paint the living room. They just bit down on a stick and let the surgeon do "his thing" so they could get off the table and crack on.

OP wrote: Husband was working from home but then at lunchtime said he was taking the afternoon and tomorrow off work so he could go up to Liverpool for a night out with his mate. It’s 2 hours drive away and he’s staying over…

I doubt VERY much that it was 24 hours that he was home with OP and should have been 48 hours.

What YOU would want and want your OH to do doesn't matter. Everyone is different. I had two children totally natural, no pain relief or anything else, and had an episiotomy with nothing given (which caused my DH to pass out). Does that mean that anyone who doesn't do exactly that is a lesser being? Or being a drama queen?

There is a reason they don't allow someone to come into someone's room after they have had GA and have them sign papers or let them go off on their own for the first 24-48 hours (depending on how much GA they've had). If they did, there would be a lot of people signing away their houses for 100 quid and having to live with the result. Her telling her NVDH it was "fine" to go has zero meaning, as she wasn't even 48 hours out of surgery/GA.

I imagine they will keep me in overnight as I don't have anyone to stay with me. After that I will just deal with it myself. I cannot "find" someone to look after me.

"I imagine they will keep me in overnight as I don't have anyone to stay with me. After that I will just deal with it myself. I cannot "find" someone to look after me."

For my teeth, they made me have someone and they checked before even starting or they wouldn't do the op. They even forbade my friend from going to have breakfast because he had to be in the same building. He was quite annoyed.
As I mentioned, I lied about him staying with me for 24 hours. Not everybody has that kind of friend or lives close to family.

I may need abdominal surgery soon and I'd rather stay an extra night at the hospital.

They didn’t “forbid your friend from having breakfast” he could have had it before coming or packed it and eaten it there. They requested that he stay available and in the building. These rules are not meant to inconvenience you but to protect you. Your continued insistence on ignoring them, complaining about them, and lying to avoid complying is just quite …distinctive. Its like you’ve got ODD.

He shouldn't have gone. However , you shouldn't have said it was fine.

"They didn’t “forbid your friend from having breakfast” he could have had it before coming or packed it and eaten it there. "

It was very early and he didn't know he wouldn't be allowed to go to the cafe.

"These rules are not meant to inconvenience you but to protect you. "

Maybe so, but they are pretty tough rules for single people with no family living nearby.
I don't have OCD.

You don't need a reason to divorce him, but it sounds like you've probably got loads due to him even asking about leaving you.

He's emotionally and mentally dim if he can't understand that you needed observing after the operation. To even ask to relieve himself of guilt just shows what a selfish, entitled shit he must have been for many years.

He's a fool, like many on here who think it's clever to respond with the "you should have said something then', darvo at it's finest.

If you are too thick to understand someone in her 50's ( aneasthetics can be particularly dangerous for certain age groups, ie, teenagers and menopausal women) needs and should expect care by her primary partner, then you shouldn't be in a relationship. What's the point of you.

Marriage shouldn't be like this, awards given for how much someone can dish out neglect or medals for who can ignor their partner is a cunt the most.

It's thoughtless, uncaring and irresponsible.

Op if you stay together, promise yourself that if he ever goes into surgery, you will not be the one who takes care of him, whislt in the hospital and on his return. Make sure the dog is left with him and preferably contact no one so no one else has the oportunity of caring for him.
And make sure the day of the operation, you go on a day trip, return home and leave him in the same circumstances, promise to phone him to ask how he is and then don't.

Got it.

Op will probably not do this, but she should because he did, he a callous twat.

This is the new 'cancel the cheque'.

Not everyone is the same even with keyhole - I had keyhole and was not fine at all.

The fact he even ASKED is an issue.

Ive only been with my boyfriend for 1.5 years and yet I know for a FACT if I had an operation etc that he would cancel everything to be at my every need.

If youd have said no its not fine, would it have caused an argument?

I had gall bladder removal the vomiting doesn’t sound right ? And tbh I think he’s a selfish prick. And I get why you probably said fine as your feeling vulnerable and probably easiest thing to say .

The men haters are out tonight, he didn't abandon you, he asked if it was OK, and you said yes, it's a basic operation hardly like it was heart transplant, I had mine out and had to manage on my own, people are such light weights these days.