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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Day after surgery and DH goes out with his mates- I’m fuming! AIBU?

357 replies

StonyMum · 11/02/2024 00:39

So yesterday I had a cholecystectomy (gallbladder removal) under general anaesthetic. Today I’m feeling fairly rubbish, having trouble getting in and out of bed, in quite a lot of pain and am vomiting (which is agony with my wounds)…
Husband was working from home but then at lunchtime said he was taking the afternoon and tomorrow off work so he could go up to Liverpool for a night out with his mate. It’s 2 hours drive away and he’s staying over…
He doesn’t get to see his friend often. He asked if I minded, and I was so shocked he was even considering it that I said it was fine… but I’ve been lying here alone all evening now and getting quite upset. I feel really abandoned and vulnerable. He made sure I had a drink and some snacks in reach before he left, but I still had to navigate getting downstairs to let the dog out for a wee and crawl back up again… the kids are both away at uni.
AIBU? Or is this grounds for divorce?!

OP posts:
Mumofthreeteenagers · 12/02/2024 18:13

Yabu saying OK.
He is a prick expecting its ok to go!
You need to read the riot act so the idiot knows what the hell he has done.

savethatkitty · 12/02/2024 18:26

Dick move 101

Ilovecleaning · 12/02/2024 18:46

OnlyYesterday · 11/02/2024 00:47

Why did you say it was fine??

As she explained, she was shocked.

Ilovecleaning · 12/02/2024 18:47

BlurringTheLines · 11/02/2024 00:47

He asked if you minded and you said it was fine.
You can't have it both ways.

She says she was shocked.

Coyoacan · 12/02/2024 18:47

zombie0037

No two people react the same to surgery and just because you survived, it does not that it is safe to leave someone alone after surgery.

DisabledDemon · 12/02/2024 18:48

When I broke my hip, my DH hardly left the house except to go shopping or other necessary stuff (worked from home etc) as he knew that I could barely get out of bed, never mind go downstairs to let the dog or cats in/out. He wouldn't have thought of going off on a jolly. You are definitely not being unreasonable!

Ilovecleaning · 12/02/2024 18:51

Do you have children? If not, please don’t have any children with this man. He has already shown you what kind of man he is: he would be a selfish irresponsible father and you would be burdened with everything.
I wouldn’t leave a sick dog alone, let alone my partner.
Horrible man.

Fluffmum · 12/02/2024 18:59

Selfish Chuck him out

MumTeacherofMany · 12/02/2024 19:02

He did ask...

I'm in the majority though & when I'm feeling rubbish I really prefer just being home alone. So I'd have definitely said yes to my OP. Speak to him about when he's back OP & let him know how it made you feel.

Dietlady58 · 12/02/2024 19:09

My husband left me in bed with our new born first child on the day I came home from hospital to go to the pub for the night. I was beyond hurt.

Fbearsmum · 12/02/2024 19:10

bibblebobbles · 11/02/2024 01:05

I actually think this is fine. He'd be bored at home with me being sick, and plenty of single people have this surgery

I'm single with a 13 year old and waiting for a date for a procedure under a general and if I can't find an adult to stay at mine for the night I've got to stay in hospital as you need to have someone with you

crew2022 · 12/02/2024 19:13

A friend has this done recently and was quite unwell afterwards. I would have asked my DH to stay at home. I would have done that for him too.

IloveAslan · 12/02/2024 19:23

Fbearsmum · 12/02/2024 19:10

I'm single with a 13 year old and waiting for a date for a procedure under a general and if I can't find an adult to stay at mine for the night I've got to stay in hospital as you need to have someone with you

It's my understanding that OP had the surgery the previous day and her husband didn't leave until the next afternoon so was with her overnight?

Fbearsmum · 12/02/2024 19:38

IloveAslan · 12/02/2024 19:23

It's my understanding that OP had the surgery the previous day and her husband didn't leave until the next afternoon so was with her overnight?

It's actually 24 to 48 hours that's been recommended

Tartantotty · 12/02/2024 19:43

Sorry - but you said it was fine. Men take these things literally.

To be honest when I'm ill or unwell I like to be on my own.

BusyMum47 · 12/02/2024 19:45

OMG what a shit husband! I'd be SO angry & upset. BUT why did you agree to it??

I've also had my gallbladder removed & you shouldn't be vomiting - call the aftercare tel. no. the hospital gave you.

OldPerson · 12/02/2024 19:46

People pretty much always end up doing what they want to do. They always find a reason, justification, excuse.

In our marriage, if something like hospitalisation and many other things had come up - we tended to discuss the impact on the family, like getting the kids to school. But neither of us would consider buggering off, when the other was ill or needed assistance.

However, we always had strong family routines: Homework, cooking times, bath and bedtimes.

You pretty much know, when one of you is sick, what has to be done and who needs to fill in doing what.

I'm all for routines and making sure the basics are done.

However, next generation are more fluid and with more support. You can order in food, if needed, so no one needs to cook.

It's a safe bet if your wife is in bed for a couple days - do you really need to be there? Has anyone thought that through? Or is it just assumed ill person will be binge box watching films and TV series?

marriedtoanobhead · 12/02/2024 20:02

Are we married to the same person?
Mine is exactly the same.
I'm getting out, life it too short for these sorts of people to be in our lives.
I've left it too long, but I'm now strong enough to leave.
Hope you're okay.

coodawoodashooda · 12/02/2024 20:22

Golden407 · 11/02/2024 12:54

Have we reached peak Mumsnet yet?

What do you mean?

Cascade39 · 12/02/2024 20:32

I voted YABU because he asked you if it was ok and you said it was. You had a perfect opportunity to say actually no, I don't think that would be great or fair to me considering I had surgery yesterday.

He's an arse for even considering it and asking, but you gave him the green light so you can't now be upset by it. If my OH had said that the day after I'd had surgery (he never would!) I'd have ripped him a new arsehole not said it was fine.

kaiadeluded · 12/02/2024 20:35

@StonyMum I hope you're recovering better today?

RandomForest · 12/02/2024 20:42

Cascade39 · 12/02/2024 20:32

I voted YABU because he asked you if it was ok and you said it was. You had a perfect opportunity to say actually no, I don't think that would be great or fair to me considering I had surgery yesterday.

He's an arse for even considering it and asking, but you gave him the green light so you can't now be upset by it. If my OH had said that the day after I'd had surgery (he never would!) I'd have ripped him a new arsehole not said it was fine.

That's the whole point though,

Husband "can I go and leave you after the operation and have a night out, even though I'm old enough to know better, should have matured enough to know it's unkind and detrimental to our relationship and maybe your health, going forward, and if you do say no, I'm going to sulk and tell my friend on you and he will say you're a controlling bitch for keeping me at home, boo hoo".

Take yer pick wifey cause I want a good time and I don't really give a shit about you or your health.

Ps, I will completely forget this has happened when next time I am ill, and will fully expect your unconditional support.

Signed.
The man.

Pineapplecolada1 · 12/02/2024 20:43

The fact he even asked is just awful

Coyoacan · 12/02/2024 20:45

Sorry - but you said it was fine. Men take these things literally.

A decent man wouldn't have asked

GettingStuffed · 12/02/2024 20:50

If you'd had my reaction to my gallbladder removal he'd have been fine to go as I didn't have any issues, but in this case he should cancel on his mates.

I'm having an operation on Thursday and DH is already treating me with kid gloves with what's happening afterwards.

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