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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Day after surgery and DH goes out with his mates- I’m fuming! AIBU?

357 replies

StonyMum · 11/02/2024 00:39

So yesterday I had a cholecystectomy (gallbladder removal) under general anaesthetic. Today I’m feeling fairly rubbish, having trouble getting in and out of bed, in quite a lot of pain and am vomiting (which is agony with my wounds)…
Husband was working from home but then at lunchtime said he was taking the afternoon and tomorrow off work so he could go up to Liverpool for a night out with his mate. It’s 2 hours drive away and he’s staying over…
He doesn’t get to see his friend often. He asked if I minded, and I was so shocked he was even considering it that I said it was fine… but I’ve been lying here alone all evening now and getting quite upset. I feel really abandoned and vulnerable. He made sure I had a drink and some snacks in reach before he left, but I still had to navigate getting downstairs to let the dog out for a wee and crawl back up again… the kids are both away at uni.
AIBU? Or is this grounds for divorce?!

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 11/02/2024 13:02

lifebeginsaftercoffee · 11/02/2024 12:55

I did say up-thread that I would expect him to leave her with snacks, a kettle, access to water and medication, and to put the dog in kennels. It's in my post at 11.36.

Show quote history

I expect they already have a kettle and fridge, it’s getting to it that’s the problem. Not sure you’d relocate the fridge easily. Hes just a selfish fucker who deliberately chose not to prioritise his wife because if he made sure he didn’t think about what level of shit he is being, he could go have fun.

MrsSkylerWhite · 11/02/2024 13:04

bibblebobbles · Today 01:05

I actually think this is fine. He'd be bored at home with me being sick, and plenty of single people have this surgery”

”Bored”? F**king hell.

lifebeginsaftercoffee · 11/02/2024 13:07

Codlingmoths · 11/02/2024 13:02

I expect they already have a kettle and fridge, it’s getting to it that’s the problem. Not sure you’d relocate the fridge easily. Hes just a selfish fucker who deliberately chose not to prioritise his wife because if he made sure he didn’t think about what level of shit he is being, he could go have fun.

Show quote history

Well, there are plenty of snacks that don't require a fridge.

You clearly think he was in the wrong and that's fine, but others would be absolutely fine on their own as long as their partners' had planned some bits in advance.

I wouldn't expect (or want) DH to stay home with me. I would, however, expect him to sort out our dog and make sure I had everything I needed nearby before he left.

viques · 11/02/2024 13:15

He asked, you said fine. Would he have stayed if you had said “No.”?

PuppyMonkey · 11/02/2024 13:16

Dhilezzz · 11/02/2024 13:01

He asked, you said it’s fine.

End of thread.

He’s a selfish bell end for asking. End of thread.

Ohnoooooooo · 11/02/2024 13:18

I think when they let you out they ask if you have another adult to watch you for 24/48 hrs incase you have a delayed reaction to general?

Codlingmoths · 11/02/2024 13:20

viques · 11/02/2024 13:15

He asked, you said fine. Would he have stayed if you had said “No.”?

The op has said she could see in her head him sitting at home resenting her if she said no. Their marriage clearly has bigger problems than this one event, significant as it is. Op, does he ever play the support role? Prioritise you?

MrsSkylerWhite · 11/02/2024 13:22

**
“The op has said she could see in her head him sitting at home resenting her if she said no”

Takes a very special kind of arsehole to resent their partner for expecting basic support the day after surgery.

Codlingmoths · 11/02/2024 13:22

lifebeginsaftercoffee · 11/02/2024 13:07

Well, there are plenty of snacks that don't require a fridge.

You clearly think he was in the wrong and that's fine, but others would be absolutely fine on their own as long as their partners' had planned some bits in advance.

I wouldn't expect (or want) DH to stay home with me. I would, however, expect him to sort out our dog and make sure I had everything I needed nearby before he left.

Show quote history

Really? If your surgeon had said you need someone there for 24-48 hours you’d have thought what the fuck does he know, my Dh wants to P.A.R.T.Y and I’ll be fine? The op is in pain. She’s not fine. This is not unexpected or rare, it’s a very usual result of the kind of surgery she had, which isn’t minor.

tothelefttotheleft · 11/02/2024 13:24

Horsewhisperers · 11/02/2024 10:57

I had similar with my adult son who lived at home. I had my bedroom set up with kettle, toaster and snacks but did not realise how vulnerable and weak I would feel post surgery. My DS went out supposedly for an hour but was away overnight. Luckily my other DS came round to check on me. This is something you never forget.

Yes and it's so painful.

lifebeginsaftercoffee · 11/02/2024 13:27

Codlingmoths · 11/02/2024 13:22

Really? If your surgeon had said you need someone there for 24-48 hours you’d have thought what the fuck does he know, my Dh wants to P.A.R.T.Y and I’ll be fine? The op is in pain. She’s not fine. This is not unexpected or rare, it’s a very usual result of the kind of surgery she had, which isn’t minor.

Show quote history

But we're not talking about the first 24 hours. If we were, my response would be different.

He went to a funeral the day of the surgery, skipped the wake and came home to collect her, stayed with her and worked from home the following day. It was the day after the surgery (so, 24h later) when he left to go to Liverpool to see his friend for a day or so before coming back home.

Gloriosaford · 11/02/2024 13:30

This man is not a partner @StonyMum , he's just a free loader.
If he was a genuine partner he would be too concerned about your well-being to even think about going off on a jolly with his friend.

wombat15 · 11/02/2024 13:32

lifebeginsaftercoffee · 11/02/2024 13:27

But we're not talking about the first 24 hours. If we were, my response would be different.

He went to a funeral the day of the surgery, skipped the wake and came home to collect her, stayed with her and worked from home the following day. It was the day after the surgery (so, 24h later) when he left to go to Liverpool to see his friend for a day or so before coming back home.

Show quote history

It is within 48 hours. He has also left her looking after the dog and has not bothered to check she is okay.

TTCnewbies · 11/02/2024 13:34

The problem is, even giving your updates. It sounds like the plan was always that he would go if you felt okay. He then asked, you said it was fine so why wouldn't he have gone? If it was my partner, I'd have been honest and said look, I'm really not feeling great, would you mind staying back just this once just in case I struggle getting to the loo in the night etc...

So whilst it would have been nice for him to make the decision to stay, he did ask and you did say it would be fine.

Gloriosaford · 11/02/2024 13:39

She did say it would be fine, she was caught between the devil and the deep blue sea either say yes and have to suffer and be on her own or say no and have him being moody and resentful about it in order to punish her for curtailing his freedom!
This is not a kind person.
I would wait until he's ill, then leave him to rot and leave for good🤬

CheeseSandwichRiskAssessment · 11/02/2024 13:39

Apologies if I was a bit harsh @Droolylabradors , unfortunately people use MN for serious medical advice and I didn't want them to see that and think it's a normal thing, glad you're fine now.

Don't get me started on the "Does this (photo) look like I should go to A&E" threads !!

lifebeginsaftercoffee · 11/02/2024 13:41

wombat15 · 11/02/2024 13:32

It is within 48 hours. He has also left her looking after the dog and has not bothered to check she is okay.

Show quote history

Yes, I know.

I was saying that if he'd done the other stuff, then the leaving her on her own wouldn't (IMO) be the crime everyone is making it out to be.

It seems my posts are getting misinterpreted a bit.

Gwenhwyfar · 11/02/2024 13:51

"(I wasn’t allowed home in a taxi!)"

So what do people do who don't have a car or a licence?

moonbeammagic · 11/02/2024 13:51

You shouldn't have said it was fine. I don't understand why you would be so shocked at the question that you acquiesced. I had my gallbladder out, day surgery - keyhole surgery, and apart from a little soreness where I was stitched, I felt okay. If you are vomiting, you should probably call 111 for advice.

p1ppyL0ngstocking · 11/02/2024 13:54

@Gwenhwyfar
""(I wasn’t allowed home in a taxi!)"

So what do people do who don't have a car or a licence?"

People generally get a friend &/or family member to pick them up. I have done this and had this done for me for/by various friends.

After GA you can't drive and need to be released into the care of a responsible adult. The OP's H took on the role of the responsible adult and then ditched his wife at the first chance he got.

Gwenhwyfar · 11/02/2024 13:57

"If you say you live alone they may not allow you home so soon, unless they really need the bed then the rules may go out if the window."

When I had a short tooth op they wouldn't let me even have the op without seeing that there was someone there with me! I then lied that the person would be staying for 24 hours, It wouldn't have bothered me having to stay longer in hospital, but they wouldn't have done it at all without me having someone with me.
They did let us go home in a taxi though. I wanted to take the bus, but that wasn't allowed.

Gwenhwyfar · 11/02/2024 14:01

"As for someone staying with me, there is literally no-one to stay."

I just lied about someone being around for 24 hours. Not everybody has such a person.

Cherrysoup · 11/02/2024 14:01

Gobsmacked but telling him it was fine was far too altruistic! But for him to even ask was obscene, what an arse!

tchotchke · 11/02/2024 14:04

Gwenhwyfar · 11/02/2024 14:01

"As for someone staying with me, there is literally no-one to stay."

I just lied about someone being around for 24 hours. Not everybody has such a person.

They expect you to be collected so that they can give a handover of do’s and don’ts to the responsible adult. Not just a random taxi driver.

lifebeginsaftercoffee · 11/02/2024 14:04

Gwenhwyfar · 11/02/2024 13:51

"(I wasn’t allowed home in a taxi!)"

So what do people do who don't have a car or a licence?

You need to get someone to collect you, or they just keep you in until 24 hours has passed.