My fiancé has asked me to lie about childrens religion to his parents

[Quickrunner91]

Fiance has asked me to lie about the religion of our future children to his family.

My fiancés family are very religious. We are not particularly religious. When we have children, we’d like to show them all different religions but allow them to make their own choices.

My fiancés family lives abroad, but he’s asked if we go to see them with children we may have in future, that we lie that we’re raising the children a certain religion.

Am I wrong to feel a little annoyed about this? I want things to go smoothly but at the same time I don’t see why I should have to lie about my own children

Kids absolutely can lie, but they generally do it for their own benefit rather than that of their parents.

Do you really want the foundation of your family life to be built on a lie?

To have your husband and the father of your child lying on a daily basis?

It would be a no from me. Also I couldn’t marry someone who would rather create a fake life than tell his parents that he is an adult who can make his own choices. Seems quite pathetic to be honest

I think OP has started a bun fight over religion and disappeared at this point....

Yep.

Nope

And you are?

This is really about lying and control The religion isn’t the actual issue. Fake Religious observance is the manifestation of his lies. It’s his lying to his family and asking the fiancée to continue to collude(she has done so to date) that’s your issue.

the power sits with the man, he lies to his parents about significant things
he gets his fiancée to collude despite her reluctance. She participated in a fake religious ceremony, pretended to be engaged prior to cohabitation, and acquiesced when he pretended to his parents that’s he’s observant

the power is him and the fiancée reluctantly acquiesces (but she does and by doing so maintains the artifice of lies)

he is a very slippery character
she has no agency and colludes (with misgivings) because he asked her to
that is no basis for a solid marriage

Do you? How do you know the specific cultural backgrounds of those referred to in the opening post?

Same as you. Someone online opining about a situation a stranger has posted
I post,you post,we all post . That is how it goes. Some views you’ll agree with others you’ll vehemently disagree with. Again that’s to be expected
The check and balance is mn moderation, if anyone feels a post is provocative, abusive or discriminatory they can of course report. Mn will moderate

However, online as in real life one is not shielded from topics they may find uncomfortable. By participating in a thread one must expect to read contrary views or diametrically opposed views. It happens

I think recognising the immense family and personal pressure that someone from a particular religious and social background can face with their families is important. That is not just a Muslim thing, have seen it with various religious and cultural backgrounds.

But that does not mean it's fair to place that burden on another person when they are not willing to be honest with their own family.

Agree, it depends on the family dynamics and the significance of the religion to them
I have known people of other faiths e.g. Judaism Christianity, who have chosen partners out with that faith group, and it has in some instances caused family strife. As the partner chosen was not from that particular fifth group, or the other partner had drifted from the faith they had been brought up in and are no longer observant.

However, in the instances, I am describing the adult who had drifted from the faith that they were brought up in, had to be honest with their families and have a frank discussion about their relationship and how observant they actually are.

In this case, the man is asking the women to collude with his lies, and acquiesce, to what he wants, and she has done so

autocorrect particular fifth group = particular faith group

MNetters go crazy when people mention Islam as if we are all just savages and terrorists at heart. Aside from this racism can not find any other reason for such hysteria.

1 issue for the OP is don't enter a marriage with a person you don't trust or are one the same page with. That seems naive at best.

2nd issue for MNers, don't judge Muslims so easily. Please try and look at the world from a perspective that is not your teeny tiny little bubble. So hoity toity as if secular non Muslim marriages and family dynamics are a blueprint of perfection.

I agree it's not fair to expect a partner to live a lie and to place that on any potential kids. It's unfair and opens them up to all sorts of pressure.

Relationships with power imbalance are problematic. He has the power she reluctantly acquiesces. He sets the terms That is problematic

he wants his parental approval & approbation , he maintains the facade of being observant when he is not

He lies to his future wife. He lies to his parents ⬅️ there is a theme

No I would not do it ever. Ever.
My ex was Jewish but didn’t believe and hadn’t been to the synagogue since he was 14. His Dad was a Rabbi.

We got married in a reg office and his parents had a hissy fit about the ceremony and lack of religion. They lost the plot when our son was born and wanted him ‘done’ ie circumcised and I refused. They took 2 years to split us up - he was spineless and it made me ill.

You jumped on a reply to another poster. If I wanted your input you’ve already contributed plenty on the thread.

OP I wouldn’t be annoyed but I would be very concerned about this, not because it’s religion, but because he’s asking you to lie about a major thing to his parents to appease them.

Those saying not a major thing - it is. They live abroad but what happens when they come over on extended visits (likely when kids arrive)? Lie for the entire visit? Start going to prayers? Are you going to photoshop pictures during certain religious holidays.

There are many cultures where “saving face” is more important than telling the truth - I married a man from such a culture. The problem is that then came into our marriage so he would regularly lie about things and then gaslight me when I pointed them out. He would lie to them and also me, because that was easier, but caused more problems when I found out).

Do you want to marry a man who would rather lie on difficult points then deal with them?

do you under how threads work? I can and will contribute as often as I wish. . Contributed plenty? You don’t get to determine what’s too much.
as I said you post, I post,we all post

No I’ve no idea how the internet works, why don’t you tell me, aggressively and at great length…

That would involve me posting again, and you’ve chastised me that I’ve posted plenty already
Let’s not have you feigning that you don’t know how mn works. You do
By all means you can dislike my posts but I won’t refrain from posting
Notably I have not asked you to refrain from posting, nor will I

so let’s both continue posting. Obviously the thread has piqued our respective interest

"We are not particularly religious." - this stood out for me. Is he an atheist? Or does he consider himself a Muslim but not an "Orthodox" one? Because it can be the case that when people have children their outlook changes and religion becomes far more important. How would you feel if after kids he does want to raise them in Islam? He's willing to lie to his parents, he could well be lying/downplaying his faith because he doesn't want to lose you. Be very careful. I speak from experience.

We don’t have to be the same race or religion to understand the intense pressure one can have from family to conform to social and religious norms. Those of us who have rejected our families traditions have dealt with the severe backlash. Some of us even did it as teenagers with abusive parents, but just could not continue to lie anymore.

Op absolutely should be reconsidering her marriage. The difficult in-laws often come with marriage, my own husband accepted mine. However, she is choosing a man who doesn’t have the fortitude to stand against them. He should have already fought that battle and won before bringing other people, especially vulnerable children, into the family.

Some things can be obfuscated because they are small and you just need to have good boundaries with difficult family. Religion is not a small thing if your family is serious about their religion in any way.

I believe organised religion is a scourge.

Presumably someone as equally entitled to express an opinion as you are.