My fiancé has asked me to lie about childrens religion to his parents

[Quickrunner91]

Fiance has asked me to lie about the religion of our future children to his family.

My fiancés family are very religious. We are not particularly religious. When we have children, we’d like to show them all different religions but allow them to make their own choices.

My fiancés family lives abroad, but he’s asked if we go to see them with children we may have in future, that we lie that we’re raising the children a certain religion.

Am I wrong to feel a little annoyed about this? I want things to go smoothly but at the same time I don’t see why I should have to lie about my own children

But it isn’t really feasible is it long term. He’s lying to his whole family not just parents and he’ll expect you all to keep up this facade for the rest of your lives - and your children will also be expected to lie to the whole family.

better to bite the bulletin now and deal with the fallout then live a life worrying about every word and action to his family in case it exposes his secret life away from religion.

I'm Atheist 100%, I never ever celebrate or have anything to do with Christmas so when I get asked if I had a nice Christmas I just tell the truth that I don't do it because of being an Atheist and I've had people tell me ''you should tell others you've had a good Christmas to please those that do celebrate it'' and my answer is no, I won't, I won't claim to worship a god I don't believe in, an imaginary friend to others, so if I were you, Quickrunne91, I'd refuse to lie as he and his parents might want you to take part in religious ceremonies you don't feel right with.

If he's wanting you to do such things now, what would be be wanting of you in the future, with or without kids? I'd think very carefully about if you want to spend the rest of your life with him and have kids with him!

Just incredible. So many mariages have had to go through a similar situation. Catholics and Protestants not s long ago in the UK, and still in Ireland/NI.

My own parents, my father a divorced Protestant with one child (sole charge) and my Catholic Mother. My fathers parents, one born Muslim, the other born Methodist. And so many friends- it goes way beyond parents, but a whole family and culture. I personally couldn't do it and live with this lie- but many do, anc hae coped very well.

As for mocking a religious ceremony- well the vast majority of those who get married in Church in the UK, are not religious and certainly NOT practicising, but do so for the post photos and video, to please parents, and/or to get kids into the CofE or Catholic school. Same for baptisms.

Same here- but no difference if CofE, Catholic, Jewish, Muslim or whatever. Same for being a God Parent- I would never make those promises with my fingers crossed behind my back. It is not worse or better, depending on the religion or culture.

The children would let the cat out of the bag almost instantly. Children can’t really lie particularly about complex issues. Nor should they ever be encouraged to lie.

This thread is hysterical and islamphobic.

I'm happily married to a DH from the middle east. We occasionally omit things to his family for ease. But also, funnily enough, I love certain things about my husband's culture - otherwise I wouldn't have married him! So our children have a lovely mish mash of cultures and I feel very lucky.

I wouldn’t want children with anyone who felt obliged to appease their parents like that and was happy to lie to them. It’s immature and - if he cares about his parents - disrespectful. They’ll find out and then you’ll be blamed not him.

Also, what if you visit and they want the children to take part in religious things?

Personally, I don’t think he’s being a 100% truthful with you about the situation. I’m glad these children are hypothetical.

The religion isn’t is the issue it’s her partner industrial level of lying and expecting her collusion. Why can’t an adult man negotiate a difficult conversation with his own parents? The problem is the duplicitous fiancé not the religion.

on the basis of the lies and that he wants it maintained and embellished I wouldn’t advise marriage

I think there’s the potential for lots of harm actually.

They are not ‘omitting somethings’. They are lying about the entire foundation of their relationship and family: pretending it is rooted in a religion and religious culture that it is not.

People have also given their real life examples.

Don't lie.
You will always have to think when talking to them.
Nothing to be ashamed of.
Let kids as you say choose own religion or none.
Their choice.
We got pressured into this sort of thing and our three are all atheists now😂

You'd never keep it contained.

"How do you like the mosque DC name?"

"We never go to a mosque Granny"

Don't agree as you have to watch what you are saying thereon.

What kind of children do you want, OP? Do you want children who lie and fake? Do you want children without values?

Islam is a beautiful religion but only to be entered into voluntarily.

Also he wants to keep parents happy but what about your happiness?
He needs to be strong here as a grown man.

This absolutely. The furthest I would go is to say, NOT promise, that I wouldn't raise the subject but is someone else, including him, does then all bets are off now and in the future.

Thought it was. One word. RUN!

He might say he isn't religious but that seems to change once a man gets older. I suspect he will start demanding you do this or that if you have children.

Although when you said doing a mock religious ceremony...that is madness. And a bit unnecessary.

You could do a registry office here and then the religious ceremony there.

Or you get married at family court there, and it is recognised here (assuming there is Sharia law in his country).

I'm also presuming they aren't asking you to convert, just wanting the children to be raised religiously?

Anyway only you know whether your partner is a decent man and that's what this all depends on.

Wouldn't it be obvious your children don't know the prayers or rituals?

The religion is not relevant....actually the fact that its about religion is barely relevant, it might be about any kind of strongly held moral, religious or polotical belief, just don't do it and shame on him for asking you to.

If he is asking the OP to lie in these circs, then I would say that decency ( or at least common sense) has just gone out of the window.

This is spot on. I'm not Muslim but have had non-religious English female friends who have gone out with and/or married Muslim men (the relationships all ended badly), and have also lived in a Muslim country. I honestly believe, even though you live far away from your future in-laws on, that unless you are prepared to convert whole-heartedly to Islam (or revert, as I've heard it called), you are opening yourself up to a world of trouble. I'd think again about this marriage if I were you, I really would.
Good luck.

The actual issue is not the religion that is the duplicitous, and lying fiance. He has built up a convoluted Full of lies, and he is expecting his fiancée to collude with him. He even pretended that they engaged prior to moving in together. This man simply needs to have a respectful conversation with his parents he’s not observant and that he wants to be part of his life and his life continent and his life is a different country overseas and he’s not observant

A person who lies so easily, genuinely not that you want to give it he’s lying to all the significant people in his life, his fiance his parents, and when they have children they will be expected to maintain the lies

this isn’t social lying, or lying to deflect, or minimise a minor social event or transgression. This is lying on industrial level about his day-to-day life with his fiancée and creating a facade they don’t adhere to.

As a basis for a relationship, this is absolutely no basis for relationship as it is fundamentally built upon falsehood, collusion and lies

I think we don't have enough information, but the fake ceremony is a red flag.

I do wish OP would come back and flesh it out a bit as there is obviously a lot of nuance in these situations!

And some of us have experience to share.

Op I don't think this is a good idea. My husband is also from an Islamic family and also non-religious (atheist to be specific). When we had children he immediately told his family they would be raised without religion and we would absolutely NOT be circumcising/mutilating (which would be a major concern in your case you must explore).

He has never explicitly told them he is atheist and so they probably assume he is non practicing Muslim by omission but to extend this to the children would be a deal breaker.