My fiancé has asked me to lie about childrens religion to his parents

[Quickrunner91]

Fiance has asked me to lie about the religion of our future children to his family.

My fiancés family are very religious. We are not particularly religious. When we have children, we’d like to show them all different religions but allow them to make their own choices.

My fiancés family lives abroad, but he’s asked if we go to see them with children we may have in future, that we lie that we’re raising the children a certain religion.

Am I wrong to feel a little annoyed about this? I want things to go smoothly but at the same time I don’t see why I should have to lie about my own children

@Zone2NorthLondon Feigning or sarcasm?

if I wanted your input. ????

Good Lord! I’m embarrassed for you!

Now is the time to realise you don't have to do as you are told by parents or fiance..

I’m aware of the cultural, religious, social, familial pressure that people from different cultures can be under that is not easily understood by western society.

Well I cringed at your comment about a Muslim you’d once spoken to so I assure the feeling is mutual.

She replied to my post specifically, presumably I’m entitled to respond how I like.

@moomoomoo27

Lot of white people white peopling in this thread.

If you don't have experience of both cultures, your opinion is invalid and you shouldn't be commenting

Name the two cultures you are referring to? Or are you reducing Islam to a culture?

Islam is a religion that is practised in lots of different cultures and even, dare I say it, by white people.

So you are going to go through a religious marriage ceremony that neither of you believe in, just to keep his parents happy OP? Are you mad? The fact that he lies to his parents about something which is obviously very important to them, indicates that he will lie to you about anything he knows you won't be happy about. Do you really want to be with a man like that? Come to that, is he actually a man, because to me, being a man is dealing with real life, and facing up to things. What happens if he overspends when you're married, is he going to lie about it, until you're so heavily in debt he's forced to tell you the truth? To me this would be a massive red flag! Bin this one off OP, and find someone who doesn't find lying as easy as this one obviously does.

Absolutely. One of the most devout Muslims I have ever met was Bosnian. Blonde, blue eyed, European.

OP, just think very carefully. Once children arrive there is a strong possibility (in my own experience which is very valid) that you won't actually have to lie to your in laws. Your DH will in fact want them to be raised in Islam and he himself may return to his faith. If this is something that would not sit comfortably with you then please consider it now.

@Mirabai respond as you wish,but do not chastise me for posting or suggest I limit my responses.Notably, I have not asked you to refrain from posting, nor will I

As women we have all had the uncomfortable experience of being told we have said enough and being told to cease. That’s a societal & social norm imposed to inhibit and/or silence women. It’s widely used overtly and covertly as it is. I hope not to see it on mn too

Surely the joy in mn is that one can post freely to a predominantly female audience and hopefully not be told you’ve said enough already. Women get enough of that in the real life I don’t much care for it in the online life either

@Zone2NorthLondon I haven’t told you to “limit” your responses just made it clear I cba to converse with you myself. Didn’t read the rest of your post.

When I read this thread and commented I didn't read enough to see that what religion it was. Frankly it was irrelevant to me and it should be irrelevant full stop.

The problem is the lie, him putting his parents first and trying to maintain that. It won't work in practice regardless of how well meant or considered it is.

At some point everything will come crashing down as it's impossible to maintain a lie of that size indefinitely.

How will you prepare for that moment?

Better not to put yourself in that position to begin with.

Agree.this is not a thread about religion. It’s about male power and his habitual lies and her uncomfortable acquiescence

he lies to his fiancée
he lies to his parents
there’s a theme here

And will he expect his daughters to dress modestly, wear hijab, not have teen boyfriends?

His parents can be appalled at the shock horror !!! their son having sex as a consenting adult.
They can wring their hands all they like over your child/children’s religion or none.
Basically they can do what they want, but you’re both adults and will be the parents of any future children.
Let them whine, cry, wring their hands, whatever, it’ll get them nowhere and is nothing to you. I’d just be very glad they live overseas.

@Quickrunner91
I am the child of a mixed religion family - my mother did not agree to “lie to keep up appearances “ - my grandma was very Roman Catholic—-
result: wedding attempt one got cancelled (as secular)
my grandma made life hell for my mum
BUT: I had freedom to be and be one who I am - outside of one set religion. I am eternally grateful to my mum and dad to follow their concience and not keeping up the peace for appearances

in mixed religion relationship you need to decide very soon what comes first: the couple and your values or the parents - and the later you leave it the more difficult it becomes ….

wish I could write that this is easy or a small thing

all my love to you and the very very best on your way - May you navigate this in accordance with your heart
🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸

Surely you can see this lie is unsustainable?

Lying would be pointless. Kids grow and you can be sure they will NOT go along with it so you might as well be honest from the off, rather than get caught out in the lie later

Every word of this ^

I think I'd have to accidentally say something whilst it's all theoretical. Then you can see how everyone reacts and you can back away if it doesn't work out.

This all means you're expecting children who talk, and are honest. To lie to family!

Why accidentally say something? Why can’t she be purposeful & just bring it up. This accidentally adds to her lack of power, lack of legitimacy in her relationship. It’s all very Oh whoopsie daisy the woman accidentally asserted herself

This

I don't see the issue, we ask small children to accept various lies we tell them, which we fully expect them to see/understand as lies when they grow older. Most 10 year olds don't believe in Santa, most teenagers I know don't believe in god. There's literally no difference to my mind. The key detail is that these things are untrue and you may need a corrective chat with your child when they are older, but probably not!

I think there is a massive difference between lying about Santa and the magic / surprise elements and lying to other adults that your following a religious life and belief that you simply aren't.

Maybe it's deceitful where Santa is about surprises.

It's OK for kids to keep surprises but it's not OK for kids to keep secrets. How can you raise kids saying it's OK to lie to Granny but it's not OK for kids to lie to you or teachers or anyone else.

Santa is a culturally specific shared fictional character, like toothfairy. yes it’s a falsehood but it’s not a nefarious lie to misled. This man is lying with intent to misled it’s incomparable to Santa which is a made up fictional character externally referenced and culturally accepted