Step daughters behaviour - AIBU or is my partner?

[LoopyHarry]

I will preface by saying that 90% of the time, my step daughters are lovely. We have a great relationship and I love them very much. However, they are now late teens and at an age where there is some attitude, back chat, rudeness etc. I don’t want this thread to start lambasting them, my issue is with my partner.

I will start by I am quite sensitive and a non-confrontational person. I do get upset quite easily, especially at the moment as I have a young baby and I am very sleep deprived. I do accept that I could have perhaps handled these situations better, perhaps been more assertive or authoritarian. I am quite a fair bit younger compared to their dad (20s) and I came into the relationship when they were already older (12+). My relationship with them has always been that of an aunt / sister, as anything else felt inappropriate.

A few months ago, I took both my step daughters out for a day at a spa. It was expensive but I wanted to do something fun and treat them. Within half an hour of getting to the spa, both of them began to bicker and argue with one another. I tried to diffuse the situation as best I could and distract them, however, it resulted in one of them hitting the other in the middle of the spa. At that point I told the one who had hit the other off. For the rest of the day, the one who had been told off didn’t speak, answering with one word, being short and rude in her responses, and there was an awful atmosphere. Not only was it awful in the spa itself, but the hour long car ride home was spent sat in silence.

I told my partner who spoke to them and assured me it wouldn’t happen again.

Fast forward to a few months later, today I had arranged to meet some close family friends in town. We were to leave early in the morning so it tied in with the baby’s feed and nap, and my step daughters were also keen to go shopping before we met the family friends. I already felt a little anxious organising all of this because of what had happened last time. My partner has a hobby on a Saturday, and before he left this morning, he spoke to both of them about what had happened last time and reminded them of behaviour expectations. About ten minutes after he left, an argument started over a jacket that they both wanted to wear. It got progressively louder and worse, and we were at the point of needing to go. They then asked me what I thought, and I said that the one who was already wearing the jacket should wear it and we could always have a look for a similar one in town for the other girl. At that point, my step daughter who I hadn’t sided with, began to rant about how unfair it was, that she had nothing to wear, we’d ruined her outfit, and finished off by saying that her sister and I were both ‘thick’.

At this point I rang my partner and told him he needs to come back from his hobby and accompany his children. I would have just cancelled the day altogether but the family friend had already spent money on her travel arrangements. My partner went mad at me on the phone, saying he should be able to leave them alone with me and I need to be better at disciplining them. He also accused me of taking away his down time and reminding him of an ex who also used to phone him about family drama, and that he felt embarrassed in front of his friends as he had to cancel his hobby that day. I told him that it’s not my job to discipline them, and had I tried that in the past, and it resulted in a ruined day out and atmosphere. I am only trying to do something nice by organising these days out. I wasn’t prepared to do that again. He carried on having a go at me, and I’ll be honest by the end of the call I ended up very upset. He did come back from his hobby, but he has been in a foul mood all day. We haven’t really spoken at all.

My step daughter has apologised to me and we have sorted it out.

I am very upset with my partner, but he insists I just need to change my relationship with them and be bolder in confronting and disciplining their behaviour. I don’t feel that it’s my job to do so, I shouldn’t have to navigate these situations alone and I’ve come in when the children are already older and have established parents, rules, discipline etc.

Who is being unreasonable here?

Bang on.

FFS you’ve got a young baby and he’s treating you like a babysitter for his children! He sounds like a gaslighting idiot. I’m sorry he spoke to you like that and that one of his daughters called you thick. It’s not ok.

Well done for standing your ground and making him come back, you need to do more of it. He won’t like it, so have a back up plan if he gets nasty. Please don’t bow down to him to keep the peace. Are you married? What happens financially if you split? You need to consider these things as he is the type to replace you with a younger model one day….

But why is OP, in her 20s, having a baby with someone in his 4os, with one daughter almost Op's age? OP, are you ok? Why didn't you marry first? Do you have a career?

I think I would have said:
Sorry girls I'm not taking you now and you can tell your father why not...
And HE is definitely BU
Hope you get sorted x

Don't take them with you again..They have been poorly behaved twice and ruined your days out so that shouldn't be rewarded. They can stay at home and if Dad doesn't like it he'll have to step up and parent properly.

He threw a tantrum because he thought he could fuck off and treat you like a babysitter whenever he feels like it. It's not your job and I'd be doing him no favours any time soon.

This.

I find this whole relationship deeply disturbing.

Are you ok, op?

You’re in a no-win situation. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if you took a stricter approach to the stepdaughters they’d complain to their Dad and then you’d get it in the neck for being too firm! Your partner sounds like an div, OP!

My advice would be unless the stepdaughters start physically kicking the shit out of each other, don’t intervene again. If they try and involve you in their squabbles, tell them they need to start learning how to resolve their squabbles without getting a grown up involved.
if they’re squabbling over things like a jacket, perhaps just say something like, “learn to share,” and walk off. If they’re playing up and you’re taking them somewhere say, “oh dear, I guess [name of stepdaughter 1] and [name of stepdaughter 2] won’t be going out today then.”

if they insult you, insult them back tenfold! In my experience teenagers cannot deal with adults insulting them back.

Oh OP, you poor thing.

Your DP is at fault here. There is no excuse for him talking to you like that and sulking all day like a 4th child.

I agree with all others saying he should be parenting his children.

I hope you work, and will put a lot of effort into your career.

Step back, like right back. You don’t have to do these days out, and as you are not their mother or their father, being able to discipline or sort out problems is MUCH harder as you just don’t have that kudos, they won’t really accept it.

I am quite a fair bit younger compared to their dad (20s) and I came into the relationship when they were already older (12+)

But the youngest is only 14 😳
So you’ve met him, moved in with 2 children (50%) into their lives, and had a baby all in what? - 2 to 3 years?

He saw you coming. And now you’re just in your 20s dealing with 2 teens closer to much younger sister type age? Whilst he’s off with his mates.

You can’t get a Time Machine, but you can do things like not fuck over your earning capacity, or take on his parenting responsibilities.

I think it’s time for his hobby to become fortnightly so he spends more time with his children.

You don't need to ' look after ' them.Do even want these trips you are arranging for them? I can't imagine wanting to play happy families with a stepmother t her who was hardly older than me!

Right, so you actually have an early teen and a mid teen. That changes the advice considerably. (On the spectrum of 13-19, how did you think 14 was 'late'?? Nevermind...)

Your DP should be home to take parental responsibility. I'm sure they're OK on their own for awhile but if something needs doing, or they need discipline, it's on him.

If you've only been around since 12+ it does sound like you and you baby have been installed very quickly! I doubt they've much respect for you as an authority figure, so their father needs to step up.

Who he then fucks later on because 'that's the least she owes him' after ruining his day...

This creature she has landed herself with, and the way he treats her, just makes me feel equally sick and angry.

I am sure he knows that if he had picked a more mature woman then he would not have had the cushy life he has with this sweet young lady.

If you are reading this OP, I am not having a go at you, you did what lots of young women your age do - and some who are a lot older and should know better, but have probably had some bastards somewhere in their lives who have made them feel useless and unworthy - you have fallen for his sweet talk, and were - probably subconsciously - attracted to a man who seemed to already have all the awkward things young couples have to struggle with together, sorted.

I think that maybe you should show him this thread, as you have not done anything wrong, and so should not be worried about being "outed" over this. He is the one who should be feeling thoroughly ashamed of himself.

If he has the children every Saturday, then he needs to either stop partaking of his hobby at all, or changing it to one of the 50 per cent days that they are not his responsibility.

He also needs to remember that his baby is 100 per cent his responsibility, which is luckily for him shared with his partner - but that doesn't reduce his responsibility to and for the baby to 50 per cent, they both have 100 per cent responsibility each for their precious baby. Therefore his partner should be having an equal amount, and quality of leisure time, as he does.

So there is less than 10 yrs between you and the step daughters, and yet an assumption you can and should parent them? That's their dad's job. He's the adult with two teenagers- not that's much younger than you. I doubt very much in the same situation I would consider you in any way a parent. He needs to be disciplining and parenting them on weekends.

Nooope. Oh HELL no. He’s fobbing them off on you, and then going out to his hobby? Whining that he’s “embarrassed” that he has to come home and be responsible for his own kids?

LTB.

seriously. He’s taking advantage of you.

and if he ever says you’re “too sensitive” or “too emotional” etc, that’s gaslighting. He’s already heading down that road by saying he had the “same problem” with his ex.

yeah, the steaming pile of shit, both women wanted him to actually be a father to his kids. The only one wrong here is him.

hahis hobbies need to be flexible. When you have plans he stays with them as others have said when he has his kids he needs to.be present or speak with ex about srramging alternative days when he is present. I hope you get sundays to yourself?

I think you don't know what you can and cannot do with his kids, and thats understandable considering they are his children and they don't live with you full-time. You also clearly care for them and want a good relationship with them. It might be a good idea to agree with him what you can do e.g. discipline etc. He shouldn't just expect you to just "know". In fact, I think he is showing his immaturity here. Personally, in a situation where they are teens and only live with you 50% of the time, I would not want to be disciplining them either. It is his job along with their mother. You have a baby to take care of. I also think it's lovely you to things with your step daughters alone, but perhaps because they are still young (despite teens) it's best to expect they will be bratty and childish. I don't know how often your partner does his hobby thing while his kids are spending time with you... does this not affect his 50% time with them? If he is doing it often, it suggests he is treating you as a babysitter rather than spending time with his kids. I do agree with you, his response about his ex etc is absolutely inappropriate and makes no sense in this situation - you are not their mother! I think it seems like your partner wants you to treat them like you are their mother, and doesn't seem to understand you're not their parent and also feel uncomfortable with certain things e.g. discipline. You need to talk to him about what you all expect, and perhaps if needed, their mother too. I would expect an apology from him about his nonsense rant on the telephone - he is showing his immaturity and you need to stick up for yourself. You have a baby to take care of and not mind every child. He should be with you.

Next time they ask your opinion on their disputes, tell them you're not getting involved and they need to sort it out between themselves. I would have said that and then said 'I'm leaving in 5 minutes, if you're not ready to leave then you can stay here'.

The spa day sounds difficult, but days where things escalate to that level should not happen very often.

Agree with pps.

OP you're being shafted - your partner wants you to start taking parental responsibility for his children (money, discipline, it will never end)..I imagine he was very keen on "commitment" and moving in together, as he was planning for you to take responsibility for his children!

Obviously you have a baby, and I don't know how your finances are divided.

I'd mentally start prioritising yourself and like pps say use the time to build up your independence rather than being dragged into problem solving for your partner. Stick the money you're spending on spa days for ungrateful teenagers into a private savings account in your name only.

Leave your stepdaughters to take care of themselves. Be polite and cordial, but keep your distance and don't get too emotionally involved.

Stop overfunctioning and overthinking your SD's build up your own life and career.

I rarely agree with those saying LTB, but in this instance I do. This guy is utterly taking the piss. He's leaving you to parent his kids and going off to do a hobby! I'd cut his bollocks off if he dared to came home and got sulky with me.

If you weren't around he wouldn't be able to do his hobby at all and would have to be a parent instead. Well done for standing up for yourself and not putting up with this crap. You deserve a major apology.

There is a reason men like this go for women so much younger, woman his own age would have ran a mile long ago.