Step daughters behaviour - AIBU or is my partner?

[LoopyHarry]

I will preface by saying that 90% of the time, my step daughters are lovely. We have a great relationship and I love them very much. However, they are now late teens and at an age where there is some attitude, back chat, rudeness etc. I don’t want this thread to start lambasting them, my issue is with my partner.

I will start by I am quite sensitive and a non-confrontational person. I do get upset quite easily, especially at the moment as I have a young baby and I am very sleep deprived. I do accept that I could have perhaps handled these situations better, perhaps been more assertive or authoritarian. I am quite a fair bit younger compared to their dad (20s) and I came into the relationship when they were already older (12+). My relationship with them has always been that of an aunt / sister, as anything else felt inappropriate.

A few months ago, I took both my step daughters out for a day at a spa. It was expensive but I wanted to do something fun and treat them. Within half an hour of getting to the spa, both of them began to bicker and argue with one another. I tried to diffuse the situation as best I could and distract them, however, it resulted in one of them hitting the other in the middle of the spa. At that point I told the one who had hit the other off. For the rest of the day, the one who had been told off didn’t speak, answering with one word, being short and rude in her responses, and there was an awful atmosphere. Not only was it awful in the spa itself, but the hour long car ride home was spent sat in silence.

I told my partner who spoke to them and assured me it wouldn’t happen again.

Fast forward to a few months later, today I had arranged to meet some close family friends in town. We were to leave early in the morning so it tied in with the baby’s feed and nap, and my step daughters were also keen to go shopping before we met the family friends. I already felt a little anxious organising all of this because of what had happened last time. My partner has a hobby on a Saturday, and before he left this morning, he spoke to both of them about what had happened last time and reminded them of behaviour expectations. About ten minutes after he left, an argument started over a jacket that they both wanted to wear. It got progressively louder and worse, and we were at the point of needing to go. They then asked me what I thought, and I said that the one who was already wearing the jacket should wear it and we could always have a look for a similar one in town for the other girl. At that point, my step daughter who I hadn’t sided with, began to rant about how unfair it was, that she had nothing to wear, we’d ruined her outfit, and finished off by saying that her sister and I were both ‘thick’.

At this point I rang my partner and told him he needs to come back from his hobby and accompany his children. I would have just cancelled the day altogether but the family friend had already spent money on her travel arrangements. My partner went mad at me on the phone, saying he should be able to leave them alone with me and I need to be better at disciplining them. He also accused me of taking away his down time and reminding him of an ex who also used to phone him about family drama, and that he felt embarrassed in front of his friends as he had to cancel his hobby that day. I told him that it’s not my job to discipline them, and had I tried that in the past, and it resulted in a ruined day out and atmosphere. I am only trying to do something nice by organising these days out. I wasn’t prepared to do that again. He carried on having a go at me, and I’ll be honest by the end of the call I ended up very upset. He did come back from his hobby, but he has been in a foul mood all day. We haven’t really spoken at all.

My step daughter has apologised to me and we have sorted it out.

I am very upset with my partner, but he insists I just need to change my relationship with them and be bolder in confronting and disciplining their behaviour. I don’t feel that it’s my job to do so, I shouldn’t have to navigate these situations alone and I’ve come in when the children are already older and have established parents, rules, discipline etc.

Who is being unreasonable here?

It's not really relevant. People alter minor details in order to not be identifiable. It's not unheard of for someone to be recognised online.
Whether they are late teens or 14 and 16 they are perfectly capable of being left alone. Unless there are mitigating factors like learn difficulties or disabilities.

It might not be super relevant, but late teen definitely gives the impression of someone who's an adult or almost adult, whereas a 14 year old is still very much a child, so I do think it makes a difference.

But how is it relevant to her question: Is her DH being unreasonable in what he said to her?

The answer is YES - Regardless of what age the teenagers are. He is being completely unreasonable and she is being completely manipulated and taken advantage of.

He's trying to shut her down and minimise her issue by comparing her to an ex (who we assume he doesn't speak fondly of) and blaming her for him not getting his "down time".

I'd question how much down time you get, OP? Doesn't sound like much with a small baby, two teenagers and an absent/childish husband.

I don't understand why you think you can't discipline them. If they're with you, under your supervision at any time, you absolutely should be telling them off for bad behaviour & expect them to behave properly. I wouldn't have rung my partner up to say he should come back over an argument about a jacket but 8nstead just told the girls off and that they need to grow up & behave properly.

I should start by saying I have only read your first post. I am probably going to get my head chewed off by the man hating brigade, but.... You have entered a serious relationship with man with two existing children. When that blending happens you are taking on some of that responsibility. If you want to be taken seriously by your step children you can't pass off responsibility to your partner everytime the going gets tough. If your going to do that you may as well say your never having them alone...that will damage your relationship greatly...he should be able to have a bit of time alone if your in a true partnership.

Teenagers are arseholes...yours will probably be to. They ruin days out, days in etc...its life and you need to accept that. You need to toughen up and grip them. I wouldn't of been offering another jacket. I'd tell them to give it to the owner. If theres no owner and they can't sort it out as to sharing it; it's staying and they can both wear something else or be cold 🤷

Good luck op. ❤️ Ps try not to take too much on from the man hating posts. No one would ever be in a relationship with the opposite sex if they were followed 🙈

I think the school uniform was an example and if they spend time 50/50 then its likely costs are automatically halved. Why would he have half the care and also pay maint? Strange to comment on a non issue

Why do MRAs think that they are always the victims and that anyone who objects to their vampirism and abdication of responsibility just innately hates men?

How do you live in such a man-centred world and still develop such a victim complex? Is it the flip side of the entitlement? Must be. Amazing. 40 something fart goes after a woman in her 20s, dumps his kids on her so he can do as he likes, and he's the victim of hate. It's incredible.

I for one, would respond the same. Although being with someone with kids means theyre going to be part of your life and your family to some degree, it doesnt mean you hace to be landed with a weekly parenting roll. You might be but thats a choice. Should never be an expectation. My sd was treat as one of my kids as Im older than her own mam, have had her as part of our family since she was 2 (now 21) and I have my own 5 (17-36). Depends on dynamic but this scenario is different and I agree with all those pointing our dp has got a babysitter. She will tire in time, when shes a young 40s and hes an old fart knocking 70 at the latest and then the silly sod will be on his own. Been there and got the tshirt.

I'm not going to be popular here but I would say this sounds pretty normal, and I wouldn't do anything rash like 'leave him' or 'stop spending time with HIS kids'. You are clearly trying build a good, integrated relationship with the kids, which is commendable and especially important as you have a new baby in their lives. It will be a massive adjustment for them and they'll push boundaries to see what adults are able to be consistently solid for them. Teenage years are crazy hard too. I don't see their behaviour as a massive issue, especially if they're hormonal and close in age. Fighting is normal. It does get really tiresome though. It feels really sad when you make a huge effort and they ruin it but honestly, I don't think they do it on purpose, they're just lost in their own self centred emotions.

As for him, I think it's OK for him to have hobby time too. And you spend time with the kids. If it's on your terms and preagreed. However, I would have expected a more mature response from him if I called. He was dissapointed yes but he's 40+ and should be able to swallow that and support you ad the big effort you made. The fact that I called would have been enough of an indication that I was desperate! And no way he should have sulked! I would talk to him once it's settled..

I have 4 kids aged 1-16 and I'm the more dominant partner but sometimes I will call my husband for help cos sometimes it's just really hard. And you need the other to step up when you can't.

1000 percent he doesn't pay half of everything. He's a crappy dad, that's plain to see here.

How strange that you are focused on defending this poor excuse of a parent

Your partner is 1000 percent in the wrong here. Although they are your step children, they are HIS children and he should be taking responsibility for them. It sounds to me like he's taking advantage of you and lumbering you with his children while he runs off for his "down time". I wouldn't stand for it. Tell him you won't be taking them out anymore alone and that he will have to be present when you do. You have a young baby to deal with too it just isn't on.

I think when you’re in your 40’s and realise how young people in their 20’s seem to you, you’ll perhaps see your partner in a different light.

He should not be swanning off and leaving you to parent his kids during his time with them. He should have absolutely no expectation that you do that. It’s clear you are not equipped to deal with their behaviour (and I wouldn’t expect anyone in the 20’s to suddenly be able to parent someone else’s teenagers).

Once you start standing up for yourself, he’ll probably leave you for someone younger and more biddable. I’m not saying age gap relationships can’t work but he just sounds like the typical sleazy middle aged mysoginist. You can do better than him.

I think when you’re in your 40’s and realise how young people in their 20’s seem to you, you’ll perhaps see your partner in a different light.

Yes.

You have entered a serious relationship with man with two existing children.When that blending happens you are taking on some of that responsibility. If you want to be taken seriously by your step children you can't pass off responsibility to your partner everytime the going gets tough. If your going to do that you may as well say your never having them alone...that will damage your relationship greatly...he should be able to have a bit of time alone if your in a true partnership.

I disagree.
Being in a relationship with someone with children does not equal taking responsibility for the children UNLESS that's what both people agree and are clear on what level of responsibilities are being agreed.

Too often people seem to expect their new partner to play the pseudo-parent role but in reality what's expected of the step parent is that they're making all the sacrifices for the step children, lose their flexibility and freedom for the step children, have to give of themselves financially for the step children, but with the expectations that they have limited or no say on big issues because they're not your children.

In the case of women being the step parent, she often ends up with the mundane day to day parenting being dumped on her too. Then when she objects to this she's attacked and told this is what she signed up for / you chose to date someone with kids.

Not all step parents want to or have to jump into being a new mum or new dad figure, especially when the children are older. Many are happy being mum/dad's new partner, a bonus adult who cares and can be supportive but not a parent figure.

Thank you for your response. I respect your point of view and your points do make sense.

Thank you so much for the insight. It's so much more civil and human than the other responses I've got. You're a fantastic communicator.

Oh, I absolutely agree.

@NonPlayerCharacter I'm glad you responded to that. I thought about it, but I couldn't get past the grammar.

I know I'm feeding his victim complex but I just couldn't let it slide. Middle aged fart goes after a young woman to suck her life and dump his kids, and anyone who's got something to say about it just hates men. He's the victim.

Fuck's sake. Imagine having to make a reach like that before you found misogyny.

@NonPlayerCharacter I get to the stage with this man-hating malarkey where I think instead of trying to counteract it, I might as well own it. Yes, yes that's right I do hate men who target women young enough to be their daughters, trap them in relationships, then gradually ratchet up the abuse and manipulation. Them I hate. If you want me to stop hating you, stop acting like a pillock.

“If you can’t decide who is wearing the jacket without fighting, you’ll have to stay at home.”

If they don’t sort it out, text your partner to let him know they’re at home today and as teenagers they are old enough to be home alone.

Its not a huge drama.

You have entered a serious relationship with man with two existing children. When that blending happens you are taking on some of that responsibility

Funny how no-one says similar to men.

“You have two existing children and have entered a serious relationship with a woman. When that blending happens you are absolving yourself of some of that responsibility”

apparently.

Yup!

Or 'your new girlfriend has two children, if you want a relationship with her then they are now partly your responsibility'.

Personally I think your husband needs to spend the weekend that his daughters are staying over with his daughters, rather than leaving all 3 kids to you!
He can surely do his ‘hobby’ once a fortnight on the weekend his DD’s are at their mothers?!…. I find it repulsive that he spoke to you like you were one of his children rather than an equal!!
In that situation (with the coat) I’d have said they either needed to come to an agreement amongst themselves within 60 seconds or neither wear it!