Step daughters behaviour - AIBU or is my partner?

[LoopyHarry]

I will preface by saying that 90% of the time, my step daughters are lovely. We have a great relationship and I love them very much. However, they are now late teens and at an age where there is some attitude, back chat, rudeness etc. I don’t want this thread to start lambasting them, my issue is with my partner.

I will start by I am quite sensitive and a non-confrontational person. I do get upset quite easily, especially at the moment as I have a young baby and I am very sleep deprived. I do accept that I could have perhaps handled these situations better, perhaps been more assertive or authoritarian. I am quite a fair bit younger compared to their dad (20s) and I came into the relationship when they were already older (12+). My relationship with them has always been that of an aunt / sister, as anything else felt inappropriate.

A few months ago, I took both my step daughters out for a day at a spa. It was expensive but I wanted to do something fun and treat them. Within half an hour of getting to the spa, both of them began to bicker and argue with one another. I tried to diffuse the situation as best I could and distract them, however, it resulted in one of them hitting the other in the middle of the spa. At that point I told the one who had hit the other off. For the rest of the day, the one who had been told off didn’t speak, answering with one word, being short and rude in her responses, and there was an awful atmosphere. Not only was it awful in the spa itself, but the hour long car ride home was spent sat in silence.

I told my partner who spoke to them and assured me it wouldn’t happen again.

Fast forward to a few months later, today I had arranged to meet some close family friends in town. We were to leave early in the morning so it tied in with the baby’s feed and nap, and my step daughters were also keen to go shopping before we met the family friends. I already felt a little anxious organising all of this because of what had happened last time. My partner has a hobby on a Saturday, and before he left this morning, he spoke to both of them about what had happened last time and reminded them of behaviour expectations. About ten minutes after he left, an argument started over a jacket that they both wanted to wear. It got progressively louder and worse, and we were at the point of needing to go. They then asked me what I thought, and I said that the one who was already wearing the jacket should wear it and we could always have a look for a similar one in town for the other girl. At that point, my step daughter who I hadn’t sided with, began to rant about how unfair it was, that she had nothing to wear, we’d ruined her outfit, and finished off by saying that her sister and I were both ‘thick’.

At this point I rang my partner and told him he needs to come back from his hobby and accompany his children. I would have just cancelled the day altogether but the family friend had already spent money on her travel arrangements. My partner went mad at me on the phone, saying he should be able to leave them alone with me and I need to be better at disciplining them. He also accused me of taking away his down time and reminding him of an ex who also used to phone him about family drama, and that he felt embarrassed in front of his friends as he had to cancel his hobby that day. I told him that it’s not my job to discipline them, and had I tried that in the past, and it resulted in a ruined day out and atmosphere. I am only trying to do something nice by organising these days out. I wasn’t prepared to do that again. He carried on having a go at me, and I’ll be honest by the end of the call I ended up very upset. He did come back from his hobby, but he has been in a foul mood all day. We haven’t really spoken at all.

My step daughter has apologised to me and we have sorted it out.

I am very upset with my partner, but he insists I just need to change my relationship with them and be bolder in confronting and disciplining their behaviour. I don’t feel that it’s my job to do so, I shouldn’t have to navigate these situations alone and I’ve come in when the children are already older and have established parents, rules, discipline etc.

Who is being unreasonable here?

OP your boyfriend seems to be taking you for granted. These Teens are his & his Ex Wife’s responsibility to discipline not yours.
They come every weekend to visit their Dad & what is he doing , leaving them with his much younger girlfriend & baby whilst he plays out & whinges when he fun is cut short!
He sounds very entitled, is this why his previous relationship failed ?
You’ve said you dislike confrontation, who does, but this is an important issue. It’s about how much value he puts on you & his relationships with his 3 children.
Does he look after your baby or is he leaving it to you to do the sleepless nights and child rearing?
There are many red flags here much more than bickering teens

I think the really unreasonable person here is your H. Definitely not you anyway!

My Dd is 15, and her relationship with her step mum is very much adult to adult like. No way would step mum be sorting out any issues between her and my 10 yo ds. In fact she doesn’t really look after ds alone because she’s not there to parent mine and exh’s children.

If my Dd is alone with step mum (and the babies) it’s because she’s too old to need looking after.

Your boyfriend needs to find a hobby that doesn’t take place during the limited time he has with his daughters.

OP, surely you realised this guy was a shit and lazy father before you decided to have a baby with him?

Stop organizing these days out. Your DP doesn't care enough to arrange his hobbies around his children's time with him. Stop doing his job for him.

Your mistake was taking a side in the argument about the jacket. You should have told them to sort it out, or you'd go without them. And then gone without them, if necessary (I'm guessing they are 14 and 16, so could definitely be left).

Your DP is the most unreasonable. If you aren't married, make sure you're not giving up work to stay at home, and that you have some savings in your own name he can't touch.

Seriously he's a prick.
My teens have spent the last 3 days bickering.
I have tried discipline.. it has limited effect.
If OH wasn't around at the time I would 100% be on the phone to him begging for help.

Exactly this. The fucking nerve of him criticising you!!

Your partner needs to be reminded that you are not the hired help. He is your step daughters parent and he needs to be the one looking after them whilst they’re at your house it is not your responsibility. He needs to be sacrificing his hobby when they’re there (I’m guessing every other weekend)

You're closer in age to his teen children than your dp which is worrying, he found a young woman likely with miminal life experience to basically be a big sister to his dc whilst he swans off to do what he wants. They likely see you as a big sister rather an a person of authority op. I'd be gutted if my dd got herself in this situation tbh.

This 100%

Yuck. He doesn't sound great. He's failed to raised his teen daughters so that they can co-exist without getting into physical fights with one another, and now he's angry with you for not wanting to parent his kids while he's out having fun doing his hobby.

I agree with PP who advise being certain you can take care of yourself financially if this doesn't work out. In the meantime, I'd stop taking the teens places without him. It's a nice idea, but they're too immature.

The ages are relevant - there's a massive difference between say 14 and 17 imo.

To be honest I think your age is also relevant, and the length of time you've been in their lives. If you're in your 20s and they are "late" teens then you can't be very much older than them, and that would probably make any teen bristle when you start trying to discipline or exert control.

Your partner is bang out of order, by the way. I can't say for certain, obviously, but I reckon this will not be the only power imbalance type issue.

To me late teens is 16+ which is old enough to know better and not hit each other in public like a pair of primary school aged children.

You are not responsible for them. DP is. How dare he reprimand you for not dealing with them as he thinks you should when he’s at his hobby!

They're late teens you're in 20s so about 10 years older?

Yes I agree with you here

Red flags everywhere OP. He has in his 40s and old enough to know better, and parent his own children. Unbelievable that he had a go at you. But then.... I have to say a man in his 40s with a much younger woman will always have me questioning his maturity level.

His kids, he looks after them

after that behaviour I wouldn’t take them anywhere or do anything without your partner there

she can discipline them

@MyGooseisTotallyLoose Yes, that’s correct.

I am worried about outing myself, but they are 14 & 16. So I guess one is ‘mid-teen’. Difficult ages.

There is less years between the eldest girl and me than between me and her dad, I don’t feel I am in a position to discipline or be authoritarian.

OP,

You're in your 20s and you are being expected to deal with someone's kids who are maybe only around for 10 years younger than you.

This is a tough and unfair situation.

You have a baby, so you can't exactly up and leave, but maybe you can figure out how to stand your ground and expect your DP to become mature as you stop facilitating his relationship with his girls, and ask him to sort his own life.

You should have gone without them, rung him telling him they were home without surveillance.
You are not prepared to be his unpaid nanny, while he swans off to golf/other. plus you have more than enough with the baby.
& he'd better not sulk. They are his children.

Curious as to why they both felt they had a right to the jacket. Doesn't ONE of them own that jacket, or was it yours?

Because my solution would have been, whoever owns that jacket wears it. My clothes are only available when specifically requested and I say yes, neither of you get to help yourself and demand to wear it.

But to the point of your DP - maybe it's time to step back completely. You are not their parent and you will not be parenting them. Tell him to pretend you're not even there, and if he gets too arsey about it then he will not have to pretend.

Late teens would be 18/19 years old.

OP, they are probably being awful to or around you because they are not happy with their father pissing off to play golf all day while
they have to hang out with you. Spa day may sound fun and grown up to young women but really it’s all about distressing and relaxing, they probably found it a bit boring.

They are plenty old enough to look after themselves. Stop trying to parent them. Your dh should be dorking them out and entertaining them.

My partner went mad at me on the phone, saying he should be able to leave them alone with me and I need to be better at disciplining them. He also accused me of taking away his down time and reminding him of an ex who also used to phone him about family drama, and that he felt embarrassed in front of his friends as he had to cancel his hobby that day. I told him that it’s not my job to discipline them, and had I tried that in the past, and it resulted in a ruined day out and atmosphere. I am only trying to do something nice by organising these days out. I wasn’t prepared to do that again. He carried on having a go at me, and I’ll be honest by the end of the call I ended up very upset. He did come back from his hobby, but he has been in a foul mood all day. We haven’t really spoken at all.

Please read this back and pay attention to how often he mentions your feelings. Teens can be a fucking nightmare, I know I have my own button-pushing, drama creating delight at home. The difference is that (for my sins) she is my teen and these two are, at the end of the day, fuck all to do with you. Anything you do for them is on a goodwill only basis, you have no responsibilities here. You’re not even married. Any ‘family drama’ is his and his alone and I for one would not be dealing with it so that my dp could do his fucking hobby in peace. Furthermore if he ever spoke to me the way your dp spoke to you my bags would be packed before he got home.

You haven’t done anything wrong, whatever he might try and tell you. These kids are not your responsibility. If you decide to stay I’d be making your own teen-free plans for every single hobby day so he doesn’t just take for granted that you’ll be there to pick up the slack.

Personally I think you should go even further and have a good think about whether you are happy with him shouting and ignoring you and what example that’s setting to your own dc. My own thoughts are that he’s bloody lucky to have you and he shouldn’t be behaving like a spoiled brat. That being said, you are an adult and can come to your own conclusions. Whatever you decide though, please don’t let him speak to you like that again.

Last time I dorked my kids out they dorked me right back! 😅

Gosh I would have just left them at home and gone and had a nice time with my family.

I feel very sorry for you because I think your DP is a lazy arse.

I feel sorry for the stepdaughter too as they don't see their dad, and he has just had a new baby with some new shiny person (if you are only 10 years older than the 6 year old, you can't have been with him that long). And he can't be arsed to stop golfing long enough to hang out with them.

I think you should get some external support, therapy or help, and give him a very very clear ultimatum that this new family is not going to be like the one he had before - he is not having it all his own way and needs to step up and be a good man and parent all his children.