Step daughters behaviour - AIBU or is my partner?

[LoopyHarry]

I will preface by saying that 90% of the time, my step daughters are lovely. We have a great relationship and I love them very much. However, they are now late teens and at an age where there is some attitude, back chat, rudeness etc. I don’t want this thread to start lambasting them, my issue is with my partner.

I will start by I am quite sensitive and a non-confrontational person. I do get upset quite easily, especially at the moment as I have a young baby and I am very sleep deprived. I do accept that I could have perhaps handled these situations better, perhaps been more assertive or authoritarian. I am quite a fair bit younger compared to their dad (20s) and I came into the relationship when they were already older (12+). My relationship with them has always been that of an aunt / sister, as anything else felt inappropriate.

A few months ago, I took both my step daughters out for a day at a spa. It was expensive but I wanted to do something fun and treat them. Within half an hour of getting to the spa, both of them began to bicker and argue with one another. I tried to diffuse the situation as best I could and distract them, however, it resulted in one of them hitting the other in the middle of the spa. At that point I told the one who had hit the other off. For the rest of the day, the one who had been told off didn’t speak, answering with one word, being short and rude in her responses, and there was an awful atmosphere. Not only was it awful in the spa itself, but the hour long car ride home was spent sat in silence.

I told my partner who spoke to them and assured me it wouldn’t happen again.

Fast forward to a few months later, today I had arranged to meet some close family friends in town. We were to leave early in the morning so it tied in with the baby’s feed and nap, and my step daughters were also keen to go shopping before we met the family friends. I already felt a little anxious organising all of this because of what had happened last time. My partner has a hobby on a Saturday, and before he left this morning, he spoke to both of them about what had happened last time and reminded them of behaviour expectations. About ten minutes after he left, an argument started over a jacket that they both wanted to wear. It got progressively louder and worse, and we were at the point of needing to go. They then asked me what I thought, and I said that the one who was already wearing the jacket should wear it and we could always have a look for a similar one in town for the other girl. At that point, my step daughter who I hadn’t sided with, began to rant about how unfair it was, that she had nothing to wear, we’d ruined her outfit, and finished off by saying that her sister and I were both ‘thick’.

At this point I rang my partner and told him he needs to come back from his hobby and accompany his children. I would have just cancelled the day altogether but the family friend had already spent money on her travel arrangements. My partner went mad at me on the phone, saying he should be able to leave them alone with me and I need to be better at disciplining them. He also accused me of taking away his down time and reminding him of an ex who also used to phone him about family drama, and that he felt embarrassed in front of his friends as he had to cancel his hobby that day. I told him that it’s not my job to discipline them, and had I tried that in the past, and it resulted in a ruined day out and atmosphere. I am only trying to do something nice by organising these days out. I wasn’t prepared to do that again. He carried on having a go at me, and I’ll be honest by the end of the call I ended up very upset. He did come back from his hobby, but he has been in a foul mood all day. We haven’t really spoken at all.

My step daughter has apologised to me and we have sorted it out.

I am very upset with my partner, but he insists I just need to change my relationship with them and be bolder in confronting and disciplining their behaviour. I don’t feel that it’s my job to do so, I shouldn’t have to navigate these situations alone and I’ve come in when the children are already older and have established parents, rules, discipline etc.

Who is being unreasonable here?

Children need love and guidance even when their not behaving like angels and it takes a village

Perhaps the father needs to be a part of that village though?

God Op, I really feel for you but not sure why you got involved in this all in the first place.

i also sympathise with the girls because id have hated if my dad had hooked up with someone 10 years older than me and had a new baby with them.

no winners here

Did you not see where I wrote his delivery was off? Are you saying she doesn’t go off and have a day to herself? Let’s use you as an example, is your partner not entitled to spend a day having down time? As women we constantly rage about how men act as if they are incapable. If this OP was a man how would you respond?

@FedUPFTMum her partner is absolutely entitled to his downtime, as everyone is. But NOT when his girls are at home. They are HIS responsibility, not OPs and the fact that he only has them 50% of the time makes this worse again.

His delivery wasn't 'off', it was bloody entitled. Why should she be expected to play nanny to these girls when they have two parents. His delivery was him being an entitled prick.

Sorry, OP - all of this.

He's a low-calibre man and rubbish father who's found someone to do his share of parenting, someone (much younger and confrontation-hating) he feels he can berate if she dares to try and involve him, and he was pretty quick to get you pregnant so you'd be less likely to leave if and when you saw through it/got fed up of it.

His poor daughters, too. Tbh it's to all of your credit (yours and his girls') that things don't blow up much more often than they do.

Christ, he’s got you well trained hasn’t he?

Didn’t you realise you’re just the unpaid help? How dare you interrupt the lord and master?

The reason the SDs are disrespectful to you is because their father is disrespectful to you.

He needs to bloody well step up and do some parenting. He can do his hobby in the 50% of time he doesn’t have them.

With utter disbelief. Because never in my rather lengthy life have I heard of a young man in his 20s being berated by his middle aged girl friend for his failure to look after and discipline her teenaged children while she was off enjoying herself. Have you?

He knew you were young and naïve enough to do his childcare for him so he can enjoy his hobbies and he gets to have sex with a very young woman. You’re not on the same level and he’s taking advantage.

I agree. I didn’t absolve him of his parental responsibilities. I just know that if I have the day to myself I tell my husband don’t call me unless it’s an emergency. Sigh. If OP had said he was at his weekly golf game then of course it would be different.

@FedUPFTMum but he didn't have the day to himself. His daughters from a precious relationship were at his home. He should have been there. And he absolutely shouldn't have spoken to his girlfriend the way he did. She was doing him a favour, they're not her responsibility.

OP you genuinely sound so lovely and caring but I suspect @Crap1979 is correct. He saw you coming. Young, naïve, non confrontational. Sucked you in, got you pregnant and now he expects you to be his unpaid childcare.

I hope you refuse to be left alone with his girls again or do any form of caring for them. Sure, have lovely days out and spend time with them, because it sounds like you genuinely like them. But their father should be present at all times. His reaction would be a good gauge for how he views your relationship as well.

😂😂 no I haven’t either and the thought of it is deeply amusing. Perhaps I am naive. My husband is 15 years older than I am and even when I was in my twenties he could never. I know 13 year olds that wouldn’t have it. I dont feel that age is a significant factor in this, I think personality is.

But she said she was taking the girls out for the day to meet up with her friend whose children were the teenagers friend's. The partner was having his day doing his hobby. That’s what I read. I thought they all lived together and have been doing so for some time.

Where did I say pander to the man? The partner said discipline his children, but their mother might have a problem with it no? So I wrote arrange a coffee with their mother and discuss the situation. Seeing as partner has already signed off on her involvement. It supposed to be for all of them to be on one page re this recent behaviour and addressing it together. 🤔

Well she does say that he is at his hobby...

If the children's mother should have a problem with the OP disciplining them then she would need to take it up with her ex as the other parent. It is for the 2 actual parents alone to manage the actual parenting of their shared DC.

Ah, so his girls are mid-teen. Spats are common in this age group. Although respect the towards the OP should be a minimum level of conduct.
He needs to focus on his young family and sort his teens out before disappearing to take part in his hobby or berating the op.

And there does seem to be a lot of crossover between the personality type who does this and the personality type who does it with a woman in her 20s when he's middle aged.

Some men are utterly vampiric over young women. I'm sure yours is wonderful.

The word you’re looking for is patriarchal not child-centric. What you’re describing all centred around making life easy for men.

the rest of us are suggesting that a man spends his 50% of weekends actually with his children rather than palming them off to the nearest woman.

Honestly, at this point I have more respect for the women who are at least doing it for the money.

I'm only just out of my twenties myself and for some depressing reason I see this happening more and more. Often the guy is far from well off, he's paying maintenance towards his older kids and he expects his new partner to contribute 50/50 financially on top of everything else. It's just blows my mind how many women will go for this tragic deal.

Have some self respect - these men wouldn't throw you a bone if you were starving if your ages were reversed. And the more people accept these unfair set-ups, the more normalised they become.

I don't think step parents are responsible at all for parenting. All they should be called upon to do is support the actual parent in their parenting, ensure the children feel welcomed in their home and be a kindly adult presence in their lives. It sounds as though the OP already does all of that.

Children need love and guidance even when they'rer not behaving like angels and it takes a village.
Yes, but the children's parents need to do the parenting. OP is not the children's parent.
Whatever works for you, but OP's setup would not work for most of us on here.

I was raised in a 'it takes a village' scenario. My parents did the parenting, but if I was in someone else's care (e.g. grandparent) we generally behaved ourselves, but if we didn't we'd be told off or our parents would be informed and deal with it. We were not fobbed off onto a parent's new partner, who'd be expected to do the disciplining.

Everyone on here sounds like they would be Cinderella’s step mother!

No, guess again. I have a great relationship with my DP's teenage daughter, but he does the actual parenting and she lives with him 24/7. I back him up. I support him but I don't do the grunt work. He knows he can call on me when he's in a tight spot and I'll help. But she is his daughter.

I talk her through a lot of complex emotional issues and she values my input. She appreciates having an older woman to speak to - and that might be part of the point. I'm about the same age as her parents. So it's easy for her to see me in a quasi-parental role. I'm much more aunt/ parent's friend than I am big sister. Unfortunately I suspect the OP is in more of a big sister role, hence much of the bickering.

The OP's partner is a waste of space. He is taking advantage of a much younger woman. He chose her because he knows he can manipulate her. He is not a good man.

Everyone on here sounds like they would be Cinderella’s step mother!

I think Cinderella’s father was dead, not off watching the football with his mates.

They're not married. She's their father's girlfriend who has not been formally made a part of the family, and does not receive any of the protections of marriage despite now having a baby with him herself (very early in in their relationship). This may be his choice or hers. Ergo she's not their step-mother.

She certainly shouldn't be taking on the additional risk and burden of mothering two additional children while so financially (and possibly otherwise) vulnerable.

Can't have it both ways.