Step daughters behaviour - AIBU or is my partner?

[LoopyHarry]

I will preface by saying that 90% of the time, my step daughters are lovely. We have a great relationship and I love them very much. However, they are now late teens and at an age where there is some attitude, back chat, rudeness etc. I don’t want this thread to start lambasting them, my issue is with my partner.

I will start by I am quite sensitive and a non-confrontational person. I do get upset quite easily, especially at the moment as I have a young baby and I am very sleep deprived. I do accept that I could have perhaps handled these situations better, perhaps been more assertive or authoritarian. I am quite a fair bit younger compared to their dad (20s) and I came into the relationship when they were already older (12+). My relationship with them has always been that of an aunt / sister, as anything else felt inappropriate.

A few months ago, I took both my step daughters out for a day at a spa. It was expensive but I wanted to do something fun and treat them. Within half an hour of getting to the spa, both of them began to bicker and argue with one another. I tried to diffuse the situation as best I could and distract them, however, it resulted in one of them hitting the other in the middle of the spa. At that point I told the one who had hit the other off. For the rest of the day, the one who had been told off didn’t speak, answering with one word, being short and rude in her responses, and there was an awful atmosphere. Not only was it awful in the spa itself, but the hour long car ride home was spent sat in silence.

I told my partner who spoke to them and assured me it wouldn’t happen again.

Fast forward to a few months later, today I had arranged to meet some close family friends in town. We were to leave early in the morning so it tied in with the baby’s feed and nap, and my step daughters were also keen to go shopping before we met the family friends. I already felt a little anxious organising all of this because of what had happened last time. My partner has a hobby on a Saturday, and before he left this morning, he spoke to both of them about what had happened last time and reminded them of behaviour expectations. About ten minutes after he left, an argument started over a jacket that they both wanted to wear. It got progressively louder and worse, and we were at the point of needing to go. They then asked me what I thought, and I said that the one who was already wearing the jacket should wear it and we could always have a look for a similar one in town for the other girl. At that point, my step daughter who I hadn’t sided with, began to rant about how unfair it was, that she had nothing to wear, we’d ruined her outfit, and finished off by saying that her sister and I were both ‘thick’.

At this point I rang my partner and told him he needs to come back from his hobby and accompany his children. I would have just cancelled the day altogether but the family friend had already spent money on her travel arrangements. My partner went mad at me on the phone, saying he should be able to leave them alone with me and I need to be better at disciplining them. He also accused me of taking away his down time and reminding him of an ex who also used to phone him about family drama, and that he felt embarrassed in front of his friends as he had to cancel his hobby that day. I told him that it’s not my job to discipline them, and had I tried that in the past, and it resulted in a ruined day out and atmosphere. I am only trying to do something nice by organising these days out. I wasn’t prepared to do that again. He carried on having a go at me, and I’ll be honest by the end of the call I ended up very upset. He did come back from his hobby, but he has been in a foul mood all day. We haven’t really spoken at all.

My step daughter has apologised to me and we have sorted it out.

I am very upset with my partner, but he insists I just need to change my relationship with them and be bolder in confronting and disciplining their behaviour. I don’t feel that it’s my job to do so, I shouldn’t have to navigate these situations alone and I’ve come in when the children are already older and have established parents, rules, discipline etc.

Who is being unreasonable here?

I would have said we’re leaving in 5 minutes and if you’re not ready to go you can just stay home. They’re old enough. I’d have then messaged partner and told him.

Your partner is a CF, he needs to take responsibility for his own kids , not your job. He was gaslighting you and I wouldn’t stand for it. Sorry OP but you need to stand up for yourself here. Good luck 🍀

My now husband had a daughter 10 and son 12 when we got together. I wasn’t allowed to discipline them and it caused a lot of problems. If you are leaving them in my care in my home then I am allowed to tell them if their behaviour is unacceptable. We’ve had some battles. There’s nothing wrong with you spending time with his daughters but they are in fact HIS daughters and he needs to step up and be a dad. I agree with some of the other posters. You are no longer available every Saturday to care for his children while he swans off for a hobby. If you choose to do something with them, that’s up to you. But it’s not a standing arrangement and it’s not your problem. He is being completely unreasonable.

The ‘my ex used to do that’ comment is really nasty. It’s basically a warning to you to fall in line, or you might become an ex, too.

The girls are not your children and they are disrespectful to you. He shouldn’t expect you to cart them around so that he can carry on with his hobbies in peace.

Whatever OldPerson is drinking, can we all have some? Blimey, what a load of words - what's it all about, though? Reads like one of Boris Johnson's speeches.

🤢🤢🤢
To be honest, these comments are appalling.

Guy in his 40's, experienced, with children preys on young woman and in the space of 2 or so years, has moulded her into what he wants. Baby and all.

I'm afraid Stepfamilies do function differently though. Any attempts to 'mother' children that aren't your own are usually met with resentment and hostility often from child's actual mother and also the children themselves.

Many women go into the role wanting to embrace the children as their own and act as a mother to them. They then discover that the kids don't want that, they are often faced with the actual mother becoming very offended by another woman taking on this role and the children pick up on that which makes things awkward for them as their loyalty feels divided.

Then stepmothers slowly have to mourn their idea of the ideal of how things should be that you describe (if you married someone with children etc) and come to terms with the fact that the children have two parents already and that is who they naturally want and crave connection with and even discipline from. That doesn't mean the step-parent is passive or that they don't care/aren't involved at all. It means the Parents takes the lead and don't outsource the parental responsibilities to a relative newcomer.

It's unfair on all concerned to try and pretend that being a stepmother is the same and interchangeable with being the one who birthed and raised them from the start. She isn't their mother. She can be a positive person in their life, but she certainly isn't there to be the family scapegoat for the failings of the parents... she can't fix a situation she didn't break. And essentially a lot of this behaviour may in part be the fallout from the breakdown of her parent's marriage.

Stepmothers get a lot of flack in general for 'overstepping' and not knowing their place. But then when they try remedy this by stepping back, they are accused of being 'selfish'.

yes everyone says 'if I married someone with kids I would do x, y, z' but then they actually find themselves in that situation and realise that nobody actually wants them to play mother in this way. Doesn't matter how lovely and great at parenting the stepmother is. Nobody is going to listen to her. The reality is more complex and sadly just having a big heart and wanting to love children as if they are your own is not enough. Not unless everyone else is on board with that too.

THIS!!!! massive red flag! Not to mention shouldn’t he be spending time with you and the baby you’ve had together, instead of buggering off and leaving you to manage his previous kids that he clearly can’t be bothered to spend time with or parent either???!!! I know men are pretty selfish and often try it on and do things like this but he is really taking the p and what he said to you about being like his ex is really beyond the pale and manipulative and very telling. I bet you can see why they split now and maybe why the kids have behavioural /attention seeking issues. I hope the posts of support here give you strength to stand up for yourself and don’t let hi, run you into the ground.clearly giving him an inch has meant he’s take a mile!!!

They're with you 50% of the time their DF leaves them with you all day regularly? And then it's your fault they are bickering? F that!

I honestly would have left them home alone.

Sorry you are tired OP & your husband was not supportive.
Your husband is out of order in his response for sure. However, the majority of teenagers say unkind things to their parents/guardians and you are being too sensitive. You are an adult, now with a child, you could have dealt with this yourself. It sounds a bit like you are finding reasons not to be with the girls alone or do anything with them. It’s unreasonable to expect perfect behaviour.

You ANBU. You planned a nice day out and was doing your partner a favour by taking them shopping with you whilst he had some time on his hobby. Its not your fault they started to misbehave. I think him comparing you to his ex is very emotionally manipulative as its obvious hes trying to make you worry that he will leave. Shocking behaviour from a person that is supposed to love you especially when you were trying to do something nice for his daughters. I would definately stop offering to take them places without your partner and when you plan a nice day out make it clear he will need to find his own childcare from now on. Its his behaviour not yours that is the problem here.

How many step dads would put up with this. Very few I suspect. It's always step mothers who seem to be expected to parent their partners children. Also, how many mothers would react the way he did if a step dad called them. I would bet my life on almost none. They would come back abs deal with their kids and be angry with them, not their partner. For the handful of mothers who may react the way he did to any step dad, the step dad would be out of the door. Stop letting your husband treat you like a doormat and unpaid childminder.

The OP shouldn't need to have to find reasons to be with the girls. She is a woman in her 20s who has been their fathers GF for two years, and should no more be in a parental or guardianship role for young people a few years her junior than I should. She clearly does make effort to do things with them, like take them to a spa, where they ended up physically fighting of all things, so are not the easiest either.
I agree though that as an adult the OP does need to start managing for herself, but to me that means standing up to the exploitative and domineering man she's living with. He is treating her like a combination of servant and child because she lacks the life experience to realise it and the assertiveness to prevent it. She does need to look at her situation more a more mature and discerning eye, but in order to see her BF for what he is, not in order to allow him to make better use of her. I hope some of the responses have helped her do that.

Agree with this. No idea why women in their 20's saddle themselves with middle aged men, set in their ways, looking for someone to parent their kids and for them and step into the role their ex wives used to occupy. Always an uneven power dynamic too. Madness.

Welcome to teenagers! I have my own children (not stepchildren) around the same ages and life can be very difficult. From the age 14/15 to around 20 life is tough. Hormones are racing. There's the usual anger and upset. Then there's the gruff 1 word answers. Sometimes it's not even a word, just a noise!

The difference is they are MY children so I have that unconditional love. I sometimes don't like them, but I always love them. If you want to make it through the teenage years you sometimes have to let things go, such as being called "thick" by an annoyed teenager. The teenager themselves probably feels bad afterwards so try not to make it too difficult for them to come back after emotions have settled.

And your DH should time is his hobbies for the days he doesn't have access with his children. What's the point of them coming to him if he heads off somewhere else? You're not their mother. You are not their parent. They one two of those and it's their job to bring up their daughters. You can't be seen to be in the aunt/friend role and then also be expected to discipline them.

Teenage years are tough. For everyone. Especially the teenagers. By the way, they are old enough to be left home alone while you go do your stuff. So if you've arranged a day and they act up before leaving, just tell them you're not bringing them and leave them at home. Text your DH to tell them you be gone without them and it's then up the him to decide whether he needs to come back or not. If he thinks he doesn't need to be with them, then you shouldn't feel guilty for not bringing them with you. He's using you. Nice for him with 3 children to be able to go off every Saturday leaving you with them all.

Tell him not to be like your ex who would think that it is the step parent’s job to look after the children to enable the ex do the hobby… when it is his children and he needs to look after them…

Can anyone enlighten us? I can understand it if he's rich or very worldly or so sexually experienced that he's amazing in bed. When he's just a mediocre, vampiric old fart looking for a young woman to do his shitwork for him while he sucks her life and fucks off to have fun, I can't understand it. What in the hell do the women get out of it?

Do you mean paying 50% is the bare minimum financially or the bare minimum in parenting? It's absolutely fine financially since they live equally between both houses. His behaviour is terrible, however.

This was my first thought too. Don't take them out again and tell them why.

As for your 'D'P, he is an arse who wants to hand off parenting of his kids because he can't be arsed to do it himself. Diddums for him not getting his downtime. When do you get yours?

But their dad may not like the idea of her leaving without them. Sounds like they are never left by themselves..

That's why she messages him to tell them she's leaving without them and if he wants someone to stay with them he returns from his day out.

I suggest you tell your DP how you feel and ask him to have a proper sit down with his girls and make it clear that they have to respect you.

It would also be useful if you can ascertain how their mother speaks to them about you. Is she neutral, does she encourage them to respect you? Or does she describe you in less than glowing terms?

Basically your DP needs to step up and make clear to his girls that you are to be treated with respect.

My partner went mad at me on the phone, saying he should be able to leave them alone with me and I need to be better at disciplining them. He also accused me of taking away his down time and reminding him of an ex who also used to phone him about family drama, and that he felt embarrassed in front of his friends as he had to cancel his hobby that day.

That's some real nice emotional manipulation from him there. You remind him of an ex? An ex who had the same issues as you are having. Seems to be a pattern with him. He's the common denominator! And he felt embarrassed in front of his friends?? For being called on to be a parent to his own children, on his access time.

Embarrassed in front of his friends by being called home? Is he 12?

He is being completely and totally unreasonable. An entitled manchild who thinks it's the woman's job (whichever woman happens to be around at the time) to look after his children I would take a very very large step back from rearing his children for him. On his access time, he is responsible for them, not you. He can't just assume that he can head off on Saturdays leaving them with you. He can ask if it suits you, and you can agree or decline.

My friend was in a similar situation to OP a few years ago. She learnt the art of shaming. I'm sure it's not the right thing to do these days, but she would elevate her vocal volume, and feign disappointment and launch a sentence such as "Oh dear this is disappointing! I was really looking forward to a lovely day out, and now you're acting like plebs, I obviously can't trust you to behave. I'm not having you embarrassing me in public - so best you stay home. Maybe when you learn some manners we'll attempt this another time. " Then she'd swan out throwing a cheery "ciao" over her shoulder.

However, your partner should not speak to you like that. He is not supporting you at all, and why is he wasting his precious visitation time on a "hobby" and how is a family matter embarrassing? Are all his mates utter cock wombles too? He fell on his feet with you, but if you don't set boundaries with him now, he'll continue to use you and take you for granted.

Big hugs xx

Teenagers are between the age of 13 and 19, so I would say one of them is an early teen and the other is mid teen. I don't know in what world 14 and 16 year olds can be described as late teens, so I think you've been deliberately misleading.