Step daughters behaviour - AIBU or is my partner?

[LoopyHarry]

I will preface by saying that 90% of the time, my step daughters are lovely. We have a great relationship and I love them very much. However, they are now late teens and at an age where there is some attitude, back chat, rudeness etc. I don’t want this thread to start lambasting them, my issue is with my partner.

I will start by I am quite sensitive and a non-confrontational person. I do get upset quite easily, especially at the moment as I have a young baby and I am very sleep deprived. I do accept that I could have perhaps handled these situations better, perhaps been more assertive or authoritarian. I am quite a fair bit younger compared to their dad (20s) and I came into the relationship when they were already older (12+). My relationship with them has always been that of an aunt / sister, as anything else felt inappropriate.

A few months ago, I took both my step daughters out for a day at a spa. It was expensive but I wanted to do something fun and treat them. Within half an hour of getting to the spa, both of them began to bicker and argue with one another. I tried to diffuse the situation as best I could and distract them, however, it resulted in one of them hitting the other in the middle of the spa. At that point I told the one who had hit the other off. For the rest of the day, the one who had been told off didn’t speak, answering with one word, being short and rude in her responses, and there was an awful atmosphere. Not only was it awful in the spa itself, but the hour long car ride home was spent sat in silence.

I told my partner who spoke to them and assured me it wouldn’t happen again.

Fast forward to a few months later, today I had arranged to meet some close family friends in town. We were to leave early in the morning so it tied in with the baby’s feed and nap, and my step daughters were also keen to go shopping before we met the family friends. I already felt a little anxious organising all of this because of what had happened last time. My partner has a hobby on a Saturday, and before he left this morning, he spoke to both of them about what had happened last time and reminded them of behaviour expectations. About ten minutes after he left, an argument started over a jacket that they both wanted to wear. It got progressively louder and worse, and we were at the point of needing to go. They then asked me what I thought, and I said that the one who was already wearing the jacket should wear it and we could always have a look for a similar one in town for the other girl. At that point, my step daughter who I hadn’t sided with, began to rant about how unfair it was, that she had nothing to wear, we’d ruined her outfit, and finished off by saying that her sister and I were both ‘thick’.

At this point I rang my partner and told him he needs to come back from his hobby and accompany his children. I would have just cancelled the day altogether but the family friend had already spent money on her travel arrangements. My partner went mad at me on the phone, saying he should be able to leave them alone with me and I need to be better at disciplining them. He also accused me of taking away his down time and reminding him of an ex who also used to phone him about family drama, and that he felt embarrassed in front of his friends as he had to cancel his hobby that day. I told him that it’s not my job to discipline them, and had I tried that in the past, and it resulted in a ruined day out and atmosphere. I am only trying to do something nice by organising these days out. I wasn’t prepared to do that again. He carried on having a go at me, and I’ll be honest by the end of the call I ended up very upset. He did come back from his hobby, but he has been in a foul mood all day. We haven’t really spoken at all.

My step daughter has apologised to me and we have sorted it out.

I am very upset with my partner, but he insists I just need to change my relationship with them and be bolder in confronting and disciplining their behaviour. I don’t feel that it’s my job to do so, I shouldn’t have to navigate these situations alone and I’ve come in when the children are already older and have established parents, rules, discipline etc.

Who is being unreasonable here?

No. You're missing Purplewarrior's point. Read it again.

Your husband is taking advantage of your youth and relative inexperience to train you to meet his needs and wishes. He is banking on you wanting to show your maturity and suitability as wife and step mum, and to avoid making the 'mistakes' his ex made, and is using this to exploit you.
What is today's lesson? That if you don't want to displease him like his ex did and have him ignore you all evening, then in future, you need to come up with a better way of managing his daughters squabbles without inconveniencing him.
If you think that's as unfair on you as I do, then you need to start trying to change the dynamic between you urgently. It's easier said than done, because he will use the age/experience gap against you. But you have to start being more assertive with him. You are not a child to be instructed and reprimanded. You are his wife and should be treated as his equal. You can start by telling him that should his daughters cause problems for you in future, then you absolutely will be calling him at his hobby as he is the parent, not you.

He pays no maintenance and gets free childcare from his girlfriend. Leaving his free to pursue his hobbies

You need to sort this out, he’s essentially an absent father using you as free childcare . Why do you tolerate this

To be honest these comments are appalling. If I married a man with children or vice versa they’d be our children. Having a they’re your children approach is a very divisive way to go. If all the children were out and one said she’s only my half sibling about your child would you like it?

I think your husband has a point, you are a mother and this is an opportunity to grow as a mother as you may navigate these types of waters when your children are this age. His delivery was off, though as long as they are in your home they are your responsibility. You can’t call yourself their step mum if you aren’t going to mother them.

i understand the awkwardness, however this is clearly new behaviour, I would ring their mother and ask or a coffee. I’d tell her the situation and ask her advice. You need her support. Since your partner has signed off on your participating in disciplining them you need hers. Good luck my dear, mother ing is not a bed of roses and is often more painful for us than them!!!!

Looks like OPs partner has found her thread! Nobody else could be this deluded.

If you don't want these young women to think you're "thick", you need to stop being their dad's skivvy. He's treating you like dirt; it's no wonder they are too.

I haven’t read all of the replies, but this absolutely reeks of a man who does not actually want to parent his children for 50% of the time. But wants to avoid either maintenance payments, or wants punish his ex for leaving him.

I imagine that the huge age difference is not a coincidence. Id bet that he’s deliberately sought somebody with less life experience than him, who he feels he can manipulate more easily.

I’d also bet that he was very keen for you to have a baby together in order to make it less easy for you to leave if you started to get fed up with his behaviour.

I would strongly advise you to ensure that you don’t give up work, especially as I don’t think you’re married? Ensure that you are in a financial position to leave if you decide to.

As for his comments about you reminding him of his ex, ignore this, this is designed to force you to back down. Going forwards also do not force him to parent his children as a routine, so that he can continue enjoying his hobbies. The vast majority of parents who have a shared care arrangement with their children (including myself) plan their social life around when they don’t have their children. There’s no reason why he can’t do this.

Please could I have some of whatever it is you're on?

This could be along the right lines.

No/little respect from father or daughters.

Tbh if I was as young as Op & with a baby I probably wouldn't really be expecting to parent teens.

I'd probably expect that they could more or less be left to their own devices.

@FedUPFTMum , OP isn't married. She has known the SDs for about 2 years.

The SDs spend half their lives with someone they haven't known long, her and their father's child, and a father who pisses off to do his hobby.

Yes, OP is BU but only in that she got into this setup

What happened, did you swallow the 'how to be a handmaiden guide' in its entirety? It would account for the bad mood.

She is his girlfriend of @ 2 year. He is using her as free childcare and his daughters clearly see she’s a soft touch

your advice has an unhelpful tone of subservience that no woman should be enacting whether she’s married or not

He also accused me of taking away his down time
When his DDs are visiting it's not his down time, it's his to be a parent.
Cheeky prick.

My partner went mad at me on the phone, saying he should be able to leave them alone with me and I need to be better at disciplining them. He also accused me of taking away his down time and reminding him of an ex who also used to phone him about family drama, and that he felt embarrassed in front of his friends as he had to cancel his hobby that day.

His downtime?

That would be in the 50% of time when his teenagers aren’t in his care AND when you’ve agreed to look after your shared child while he has ‘downtime’.

Non-resident fathers who feel entitled to use their partners as childcare so they can ‘have a break’ during their contact time are absolutely chancers.

Exactly.

He’s a parent. Poor diddums will just have to come to terms with that impacting on his ‘downtime’.

The ‘and I look silly in front of my friends’ comment is possibly worse. Is he a teenager?

How can you respect this man @LoopyHarry ?

Yes of course it's up to the women involved in this to get together, and arrange how to enable and pander to the man in this situation so that he can continue doing what he likes.

Nothing at all is 'appalling' about the comments, they are mostly spot on. The op doesn't appear to be married to this man, and these girls have 2 parents already although one seems to be ineffectual. It would be difficult if not impossible for the OP to step in and 'parent' them in this scenario, and no they are not her responsibility.

Even if she was married, what @FedUPFTMum seems to have conveniently ignored is that HE is a father - of 3. Somehow fucking off to do his hobby is OK but the OP needs a ‘you’re a mother: embrace your nanny/housekeepe status and do as you’re told’ message.

Ridiculous. The bar for fathers is pathetic.

How old are older teenagers? If they are 16 or older, good luck with discipline. Teenage siblings often have disagreements, but I would suggest ignoring it unless it's a serious issue.

However, it's difficult to provide specific advice without knowing more information. By the time they reach their late teenage years, they should be fairly independent, so do they really need parents who constantly hover over them? Personally, I didn't need that kind of attention at that age.

'He is using her as free childcare and his daughters clearly see she’s a soft touch'.

This. No wonder OP struggles to have these girls respect her when they see their father treat her with such disrespect.

LOL, I’m not deluded, I’m half Italian half nigerian. Both cultures are very child centric. I married in my twenties my husband was in his 40s. Im now in my late 40s. I have half siblings and saw this play out with mum and dad who had similar age gap. Everyone on here sounds like they would be Cinderella’s step mother! Children need love and guidance even when their not behaving like angels and it takes a village. If that sounds deluded, then I pity our children.

He's a prick, just stop being left alone with these girls. He only has them half the fucking time so why he is swanning off and leaving them with someone else?

Just stop! They are not your children, not your responsibility. Refuse to have any responsibility or caring duties towards them at all, this is his job.

I've ended relationships for less than how this asshole has spoken to you. I hope you're seriously considering your relationship after this.

What an absolute pile of horse shit. 'Opportunity to grow as a mother'... give me a fucking break.

These are his children, not hers. Whether they are married or not, they are still NOT her children. These girls have 2 parents, and she is not one of them.

Her child IS their half sibling. This is just a biological fact.

And how dare he speak to her like this when she has done him the favour (yes, favour!) of looking after these girls while he fucks off to his hobby.

Your whole post is utter bullshit.

I must not understand I thought she met them at 12 and they’re now older teenagers which to me sounds like 5 years which makes me think she’s been in their lives long enough to be more involved in their upbringing.

Fucking hell, how dare he speak to you like that?

They are his children- his responsibility.

You're not even married! He's using you for free childcare and then berating you for not parenting better? He's the parent.

His daughter was disrespectful to you, and so was he.

Don't accept it.

@FedUPFTMum

The youngest is now 14 according to OP and was 12 when she got together with their dad.

So she may have a baby with him but has only been in the relationship for two years.