Step daughters behaviour - AIBU or is my partner?

[LoopyHarry]

I will preface by saying that 90% of the time, my step daughters are lovely. We have a great relationship and I love them very much. However, they are now late teens and at an age where there is some attitude, back chat, rudeness etc. I don’t want this thread to start lambasting them, my issue is with my partner.

I will start by I am quite sensitive and a non-confrontational person. I do get upset quite easily, especially at the moment as I have a young baby and I am very sleep deprived. I do accept that I could have perhaps handled these situations better, perhaps been more assertive or authoritarian. I am quite a fair bit younger compared to their dad (20s) and I came into the relationship when they were already older (12+). My relationship with them has always been that of an aunt / sister, as anything else felt inappropriate.

A few months ago, I took both my step daughters out for a day at a spa. It was expensive but I wanted to do something fun and treat them. Within half an hour of getting to the spa, both of them began to bicker and argue with one another. I tried to diffuse the situation as best I could and distract them, however, it resulted in one of them hitting the other in the middle of the spa. At that point I told the one who had hit the other off. For the rest of the day, the one who had been told off didn’t speak, answering with one word, being short and rude in her responses, and there was an awful atmosphere. Not only was it awful in the spa itself, but the hour long car ride home was spent sat in silence.

I told my partner who spoke to them and assured me it wouldn’t happen again.

Fast forward to a few months later, today I had arranged to meet some close family friends in town. We were to leave early in the morning so it tied in with the baby’s feed and nap, and my step daughters were also keen to go shopping before we met the family friends. I already felt a little anxious organising all of this because of what had happened last time. My partner has a hobby on a Saturday, and before he left this morning, he spoke to both of them about what had happened last time and reminded them of behaviour expectations. About ten minutes after he left, an argument started over a jacket that they both wanted to wear. It got progressively louder and worse, and we were at the point of needing to go. They then asked me what I thought, and I said that the one who was already wearing the jacket should wear it and we could always have a look for a similar one in town for the other girl. At that point, my step daughter who I hadn’t sided with, began to rant about how unfair it was, that she had nothing to wear, we’d ruined her outfit, and finished off by saying that her sister and I were both ‘thick’.

At this point I rang my partner and told him he needs to come back from his hobby and accompany his children. I would have just cancelled the day altogether but the family friend had already spent money on her travel arrangements. My partner went mad at me on the phone, saying he should be able to leave them alone with me and I need to be better at disciplining them. He also accused me of taking away his down time and reminding him of an ex who also used to phone him about family drama, and that he felt embarrassed in front of his friends as he had to cancel his hobby that day. I told him that it’s not my job to discipline them, and had I tried that in the past, and it resulted in a ruined day out and atmosphere. I am only trying to do something nice by organising these days out. I wasn’t prepared to do that again. He carried on having a go at me, and I’ll be honest by the end of the call I ended up very upset. He did come back from his hobby, but he has been in a foul mood all day. We haven’t really spoken at all.

My step daughter has apologised to me and we have sorted it out.

I am very upset with my partner, but he insists I just need to change my relationship with them and be bolder in confronting and disciplining their behaviour. I don’t feel that it’s my job to do so, I shouldn’t have to navigate these situations alone and I’ve come in when the children are already older and have established parents, rules, discipline etc.

Who is being unreasonable here?

Vampiric is 100% the right word.

There's some absolutely toxic guys at a work site I was at who in their late 40s/50s and divorced (or soon to be) and have children.

Obviously everyone just hopes they get through life and privately do what is peaceful for them and their children.

But they've made the lives of a lot of women who worked at that site a misery (including me) as they feel entitled to a slim, childfree, younger woman to "solve all their problems".

They just refuse to accept that taking on 3-4 children with a guy who has an "Ok job but isn't on a stellar income" is probably a quick way to make your life hell for most childfree women, and insist that they can push their way into some womans life.

You can see them obsessing over and trying to "befriend" any woman they think is "vulnerable" (say from an international background) and trying to dominate and trick and manipulate them into a serious relationship.

They make out they're helpful mature types, but they are looking to suck the life out of a younger woman rather than make peace with their own situations.

When he's not rich, sophisticated or worldly, when he's just old (relatively) and has a couple of kids in tow....what is the attraction? Why do women go for these guys whose age has absolutely no benefits and quite a few downsides?

Stand your ground on this one. I have 2 ss and my husband basically palmed them off on me as kids and it didn't go well. They're his kids, and you are so much younger than him.

He may be all the things you say, he may be someone famous - who knows? I don't think the OP will tell us. But one thing's for certain: unless she puts her foot down with him, this situation will continue. A man like this doesn't change and if she ups and leaves he'll find some other mug woman who will facilitate him in doing what he wants. His kids probably come very far down the list of priorities anyway.

Who the fuck does he think he is.. Stop looking after his kids and don’t let him speak to you like that. Bringing up the ex is manipulative. I could see him becoming abusive.

It doesn’t matter though, they’re not her kids to manage.

He expects you to look after a young baby and 2 stroppy teenagers who aren’t your children whilst he has a nice time and actually has a go at you when you call him as you need help because they are being dam right rude. No this isn’t on, you know it isn’t.

Were you by chance the OW in this man's life when he was still with his wife OP? Is this why he left? Sorry for my asking, but you seem very young to be with a man in his 40s, and then to have a baby so quickly. He sounds like he has always been used to getting his own way with women, and that he just fancied a younger model, hence the wife gets kicked to the kerb. Of course, whatever the reason, his break up is bound to be all his 'terrible ex-wife's fault' if anyone ever asks him, he has absolutely no qualms about criticising her or you or any other female who stops his fun. He is a narcissist and more than likely a misogynist, as it seems that women are in his life just to please him. Keep your wits about you, and watch out for any gaslighting behaviours heading your way.

Both the occasions the OP mentions seem to have been planned with the female members of the family involved, so I don't think it particularly bad that the DH was off doing his hobby. What is wrong, was the behaviour of his children and his response to the OP ringing him, plus the sulking later. Assuming the OP does not want to LTB, she needs to set up some boundaries. They don't need to be confrontational. First, a serious talk the the SDs when things are calm, pointing out the unnaceptability of their behaviour and that there will be no more outings until their behaviour improves. Then, a serious talk with the DH about the situation she is in, her concerns and the unacceptable way he responded to her distress. Unless he is willing to accept that and apologise, while making a plan to go forward differently, I think the OP would be sensible to consider her position.
It's no coincidence that men take up with younger women. When the OP has co-parented his DSs and raised her own DC she may well find herself looking after him in his old age. Maybe now is the time to decide if that is an attractive proposition.

To be fair I would have told them to give it up and get in the bloody car if they are coming and if they aren't then stay. They are old enough to stay and you need to be firmer with teens if you want respect. BUT you shouldn't be left dealing with his kids. The comparison to his ex...I would make sure that does not happen again. I would be inclined to inform him his kids are his problem and he sorts them not you, you are not their parent and don't have that role so he can suck it up. Do you get down time? He sounds like a shit dad and partner

Sounds like he’s offloading his brats onto you rather than being responsible himself. Every weekend I would make arrangements, not including them, just you and baby. Leave before DH waltzes off to his hobby and has no option, leave him without the option. Just take off for the day, just you. He will soon get the message. They are his responsibility not yours and if he’s not listening to you then show him with your actions. Selfish cock.

She would not even have any legal rights to access the SDs if she were ever to separate from their father. The father and their mother alone have legal parental responsibility and it is they who should primarily parent the girls in their own times.
So designating the OP as “mother” is inappropriate. She is the father’s partner who from the sweetness of her heart is trying to do her best in an impossible situation with an independent minded disinterested father.

I have the impression your husband married you because he needed an au-pair. The 50% his daughters are at yours, they are his responsability. You don't have to entertain them on your own while the Lord of the Mansion has his hobby.

II’m sure that this has already been said but regardless of how much you love the SDs, they are HIS children and ultimately HIS responsibility.
If he brings up the ex again I’d tell him that he obviously hasn’t learnt the appropriate way to respond yet, and that you will be an ex too if he doesn’t start acting like a responsible father.
Also I would be really concerned about the way he spoke to you. It was selfish and nasty and completely uncalled for. If you don’t let him know now that ‘children issues’ takes priority over hobbies you have a lifetime of repeating this argument with your own child (been there, done that, got the t shirt, got the divorce). Speak to him about it and see if his response is any better now he’s had a chance to cool off, but if he still insists he was right, I’d be worried.

I wouldn't be taking out his daughters with you. It sounds as if they are old enough to stay at home for a period of time so I would put the responsibility back to your husband and say "I'm off out for the day, your girls are at home, so don't stay out for ages, have a nice day, back home later". The mistake you've made is letting him believe you are their u paid carer. He clearly has no respect for you.

Hello??? You have a young baby. I suspect your first.

You've all being doing brilliantly, as a blended family. You've lived your marriage being the most supportive step-mum ever. And supportive wife. And giving, giving, giving.

Your stepdaughters are almost certainly threatened by your child. They've always been the apple of daddy's eye. But you need to start thinking wisely.

What relationship do you want your stepdaughters to have with your child?

What ranking do each of the daughters think they have with dad? Because your baby may have left them feeling bumped down the list - which is why they're playing up.

How far do you trust your step-daughters with your child? - Because that is the crux of it.

You've already stated one step-child has hit another in public.

Every new mother is anxious. How anxious are you letting your step-daughters around your child? When you are not there.

Could they actively hurt your child intentionally or by neglect? In which case dad needs to be involved. Or he should be already.

You don't need to give them spa days. You need to work out what roles you want for them in your child's life. You're going to need to give them tasks, so you can respect them and praise them and make them feel special in their relationships with your new child.

Unless they're morons, get their help. Your new baby is new for all of you in the family. You need to build relationships between your child and siblings.

And dad sounds like a moron who has never been responsible for raising children.

So plan ongoing activities with one or other or both step-daughters and get dad involved by baby-sitting, one-on-one time with one of his daughters.

You're all responsible for bringing a blended family together.

Generally speaking, new mum, new baby, enormous new responsibilities ... We all flock around new mums, because they need reassurance.

Just surprised you've declined to state husbands hobby. Because it sounds like you're not all pulling together and your husband wants his life uninterrupted and you to just pick up the can. Did you marry for love or financial security? Or a bit of both? Because generally speaking, new dads get super excited every time, and worry about stuff and go the extra mile.

‘My partner went mad at me on the phone, saying he should be able to leave them alone with me and I need to be better at disciplining them. He also accused me of taking away his down time and reminding him of an ex who also used to phone him about family drama, and that he felt embarrassed in front of his friends as he had to cancel his hobby that day. I told him that it’s not my job to discipline them, and had I tried that in the past, and it resulted in a ruined day out and atmosphere. I am only trying to do something nice by organising these days out. I wasn’t prepared to do that again. He carried on having a go at me, and I’ll be honest by the end of the call I ended up very upset. He did come back from his hobby, but he has been in a foul mood all day. We haven’t really spoken at all. ‘

I’ve made bold the bits that I think are best considered most…
It was his daughters that created the situation- not you. You asked for help from their parent, that is aware that you struggle with their ages in comparison to yours in relation to discipline.
I think he needs a reminder that you are his partner not a child to tell off, or to give thinly veiled threats that you are behaving just like an Ex that embarrassed him in front of friends.
He may be the oldest , but is acting like a child himself.
He needs to find some respect for you and stop being so selfish with his ‘downtime’ every Saturday morning while he gets to play at his hobby, leaving you to Parent alone.

What in the name of god are you harping on about? 😂😂😂

Unless you have agreed a) you are prepared to look after his children; b) you have both agreed he can spend time on his hobby; and c) you have the authority to discipline his children with both him and his ex, I would make it clear, his children are his responsibility.

i know right!!

have you been at the wine @OldPerson ?!?

@OldPerson when it's your own child, you're not babysitting. You're just parenting. And he's her partner, not her husband. She doesn't have the protection that marriage would afford.
I mean there's a lot of other stuff wrong with your post. I think you've even avoided the pitfalls of being a stopped clock and being right twice a day. It's just entirely wrong. But I had to start somewhere.

Often they have had poor experience with younger men (and mistakenly believing this is down to the 'young' part rather than the 'man' part) imagine that an older man will treat them better. The older man works very hard to reinforce this during the courtship as he knows he needs a USP to compensate for his age. Not saying this is the case for OP, obviously, but its a reason for some.

@FruitBat53 she said older teens, so they must be 15+. So no one needs to look after them if their dad goes out. I would assume they wanted to go out with the OP

I am worried about outing myself, but they are 14 & 16. So I guess one is ‘mid-teen’. Difficult ages.

OP already stated their ages.

Yes these old creeps are VERY good at spotting any weaknesses and "using" them.

It can be incredibly lonely and hard being a single youngish woman

(unfortunately if you're not that well-connected or from a good protective family to start off with or your face doesn't fit, there often isn't that automatic sense of "female solidarity").

However, everything passes, things do get better with time as you find your identity and safe spaces and have new experiences that spark joy.

As long as you keep your head above water and don't make drastic choices in the bad times, there's loads of opportunities to be had.

Any older person with your best interests at heart would tell you this.

However, these predators will encourage younger women to think that "everything is difficult and no-one likes them and they can find safety and protection in a family environment".

Then they turn up the heat and destroy any potential. And the mature protector becomes the dominating bully.

I got targeted by the old creeps at the work site (I'm not that young but childfree)

And all their conversations basically were "leading" and trying to encourage me to "...confide in them all my troubles with loneliness and fitting in...it would be us against the world...".

(I have no idea what they were on, I'm actually quite content with things and I can date younger guys who look nicer and have more money and I expect their dicks stay harder too).