Best friend not inviting my daughter to her daughters birthday party

[Mummybearto3bg]

Aibu? I'd like other people's point of view, not so I can do something about it, but to know my place.
My best friends daughter is less than a year older than mine. They are 8 and 7. Known each other all their lives. Her daughter has obviously always been invited to every party every year. Last year I realised my daughter was only invited to her daughters birthday because someone had dropped out (last minute invite) but I gave the benefit of doubt. This year, no invite at all. Actually said "we're not doing anything this year, just a few school friends". Turns out it's an actual party somewhere with more than just a few. A whole class. My daughter is sen but well behaved and really loving. She adores my best friends daughter. How would you look at it?

Gently, I think you're being unreasonable.

They're not little ones dependent upon their parent's friendships/relationships for their own friends anymore. They have their own circles. And your daughter isn't part of this one. Is what it is. Doesn't mean they're not friends; means the other girl's school friends aren't hers.

My 3 always had very distinct friendships that didn't mix generally: school friends, family friends, sport group friends, specialised club/interest friends. Is what it is.

If her daughter wasn't invited to my daughters party, her dd would be really upset (genuinely)

And actually, this makes me question the friendship dynamic. Is your friend’s dd more dominant? Does she get her own way at the expense of your dd?

OP contrary to what a lot of people are saying in my friend and family group. Especially if it’s a party and not small 5 person sort of thing you just invite friends, not just school friends, family friends, cousins etc.

And everyone has good time. Even friends without kids come, it’s a celebration after all.

I think it’s a bit weird considering how close you are.

As they get older the kids from different settings don't mix well at parties. We've had parties where all the school friends gravitate together and the cousin or the friend who's not from the school feels left out. Its awkward. It's uncomfortable for the parent who's trying to make sure no one is left out, it's not fun for the kid who doesn't really know anyone and its uncomfortable for the birthday boy/girl who wants to be able to play with everyone.

How does op know this, or is it what she thinks?
But yes @pootlin you're a great example of those who would purposely act hoping that they'll upset a child!

We have moved on from general parties to just school friends now, we always have a family get together too with cousins but they don’t come to parties either.

You and your friend go on holiday together and spend every second weekend together along with your daughters?
Your daughter doesn't warrant an invite this year but was good enough to fill a space at short notice last year when someone dropped out?

I think your 'friend' is sending you a very strong message and it might be time to re-evaluate your presumed closeness. You need to protect your daughter as she is now at an age where she will begin to notice these less than subtle exclusions.

You’re a great example of someone who has poor comprehension. I said OP doesn’t have to tell them about her dd’s party, so no need for the child to get upset.

It’s a school party. YABU. Having kids who aren’t at the same school to school parties is super annoying.

My mother's best friend had a daughter a month younger than me. We weren't particular friends despite seeing a lot of each other. She never came to my birthday and vice versa.

I do think its really strange. If you say your as close as you've mentioned, why don't you just say in a casual way your daughter can't understand why she's been left out this time. I could never understand the mums who became good friends in the playground then expected their kids to be best friends too 🤷‍♀️

"I honestly don't understand how that's not upsetting for my daughter to understand that you are her friend most of the time, but not on her birthday?"

Just coming back to your last post OP. No, you break down this idea that friendships are defined by birthday invite lists. You can still be great friends with someone but still restrict party invites to school friends. Parties are just parties. One year a child might invite school friends, another a mix, another do a family party instead - none of it defines friendships. If they can only invite 6 friends it doesn't mean they are not friends with anyone else.

I wonder if your child gets few invites through school, which is why this is upsetting you so much? If so it's all the more important to decouple party invitations from some sort of friendship ranking system. Just keep plugging the idea that you can be friends without necessarily getting a party invite for all sorts of reasons, and encourage her to invite anyone she wants irrespective of whether they invited her or not.

I think that's quite unusual, especially as the children get older.
Are you still doing this for your older children?

This.

Sometimes people like to keep school friends and other friends separate. It’s good to have distinct friends who aren’t going to get involved in friendship group issues.

but if she really is your best friend just ask her, tell her! Discuss it!

The line that jumped out at me from your OP was
Her daughter has obviously always been invited to every party every year.

Why "obviously"? My experience (and echoed by virtually everyone on this thread) is that you only invite your friends' children to your children's birthday parties when they are pretty young. 7 was already getting old to do this - I don't think people I knew did this beyond Reception age (so 5).

In this case as it's a whole class party, your friend has done you a favour. Going to a party where you are the only one that isn't part of the "group" is pretty miserable. (And seeing this happen in practice was the other part of the reason that we didn't have non-school friends to parties after Reception age).

It sounds like all the other children are a year older and all know each other while your DD only knows the birthday girl.. Why would you want your younger, SEN DD to go to a party in those circumstances?

It’s a school friend party. Your daughter wouldn’t know anyone other than the birthday child who would presumably want to play with her school friends at HER party rather than be stuck entertaining your child.

I think it’s quite normal to just have school friends at parties. Don’t take it personal.

It doesn't matter if she said to you that it was just a few school friends and it turns out that it is a whole class party,

what the important word is here - school
and the next important word is - class

your daughter does not go to the same school
thus she is not in the same class

your daughter probably isn't even in the same school year being a year younger.

so whilst your daughters may be good friends outside of school, this is a school class party.

Her daughter is growing up and has new friends. Your friend probably knew you'd react badly so tried to spare your feelings. It's not a big deal.

We moved to the UK when DS was in year 4. He was a very well behaved, polite, soft spoken lad. Nobody from school invited him to their birthday party until he entered the secondary school. We could see him being depressed because we always organised his birthday and invited his classmates. Fortunately we had couple of good family friends and work colleagues with whom we could have close conversation and that’s all mattered.
He met a girl as soon as entered the secondary school, who is sweeter than him. It’s no exaggeration if I say she changed his world. He is in Oxford now studying Maths. He not only pulled himself up, but also encouraged and pushed this girl to work hard get a seat in computing in Oxford. The childhood love has blossomed now.
School/college friends have no pace in his personal or social life. Plenty of friends all over the UK from his footie and cricket and squash club, chess club and a couple of our good friends also! When asked about the secret of his career, he doesn’t take the name of his school. If someone asks, he doesn’t mention and says that they played no role in his career. Sad but true. Life is sometimes cruel but Karma is a bitch.
so, please don’t be disheartened because someone didn’t invite your child to their birthday party, but keep an eye on your child and their mental health. Rest will fall in line themselves.

Children at that age worry about dynamics too. If it's all class mates and an extra child, the birthday child will probably have to hang out with the extra child. It's just easier to have parties with school friends at that age and cousins and other friends meet up for something else.

Don't know if this is the same but if they were for example having a 'school party' I would understand if your dd was not invited.
When I was younger I had friendship 'groups' if that makes sense. I had friends from church, friends from school, friends from youth leadership etc. and I wouldn't mix the groups. Like if I had a party with my school friends I wouldn't invite my 2 really good church friends. (Even if sometimes they were better friends) the school group was just bigger and made sense to share my birthday with them. I always felt like the groups don't know each other. So it wasn't a reflection of who really was my best friends, more so the group that dictated who I invited

If they are same age group, I do. So do my other friends

I didn't mean your children's parties. I mean your own. When you got married for example did you ask the offspring of your parents friends?

I just think it has to stop sometime.

When my own dd was in year three, my friend, whose dd was the first birthday of the year said to the adults that her dd was choosing herself who came to her party that year. They don't want whole class parties at that age, they just want their actual friends.