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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can my boss contact my husband?

320 replies

ajdjad · 10/02/2024 08:00

My husband (main money earner) is under a lot of stress at work and I am trying my hardest to reduce stress at home during this time. I am therefore not putting myself forward for overtime in my job, so he doesn’t have to worry about childcare if his shifts run over (which at the moment they often do)

Overtime has always been optional in my job and I have taken shifts in the past if I know husband is around for the kids (we can survive without the extra money, I just want to help my team where I can and who doesn’t mind a little extra spending money).

My boss has picked up on this and says I’m not myself at work (I maybe a little quieter, but home life is going through a tougher patch, but I don’t want to bring my home life to work). I have just answered life is a little exhausting at the moment but I may be open to overtime again in the future.

Boss had my husband’s number from a previous, when husband was organising a surprise for me a few years ago. They haven’t contacted each other since and it was only for this purpose. Boss has messaged husband asking if I’m ok as not myself/taking overtime.

I feel so upset. They have gone behind my back and now caused more stress at home (something else on my husbands load!). Are they allowed to do this? Is this something I can report to HR? Or AIBU?

OP posts:
DistinguishedSocialCommenator · 10/02/2024 16:42

PaperDoIIs · 10/02/2024 13:02

@DistinguishedSocialCommenator you said the boss was right(to message her husband as that's what the thread is about). Based on the fact that you were not ok a while ago and your boss asked , and you gave a wishy washy response.

OP was also asked and gave a wishy washy response and the boss took it further and messaged her husband. Exhausted from family wife is just as wishy washy response as the one you gave. OP didn't overshare about her personal life.

How would you have felt if your boss messaged the husband you were suspecting of cheating?

@PaperDoIIs

Read the OP again, carfully and you ill see where I am coming from.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 10/02/2024 16:54

Janetime · 10/02/2024 12:29

Some folks really do go for the scorched earth nuclear option first time. I do often ponder if it just on here, or if they behave like that in real life.

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Yeah, scorched earth nuclear option is always the first response

NoOrdinaryMorning · 10/02/2024 16:58

HelplessSoul · 10/02/2024 08:07

Your boss is way out of line.

He should accept what you say and not need it validated by your other half.

I'd be launching a grievance on his ass for this - its outside of his remit to go asking, what is effectively a third party about your alleged well being and all that other baloney.

Overtime isnt mandatory. Tell your boss to get to fuck.

He's concerned for OP's wellbeing 🙄 Grievance?!?!

RedToothBrush · 10/02/2024 17:03

NoOrdinaryMorning · 10/02/2024 16:58

He's concerned for OP's wellbeing 🙄 Grievance?!?!

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Even if you are concerned, it doesn't give you the right to break the law and have a flagrant lack of understanding of safeguarding safe from potential domestic issues.

The boss sounds like they are after increasing the OPs overtime too, and is effectively 'trying to sort out their personal life' to achieve this.

Yes a grievance is totally appropriate.

Motorina · 10/02/2024 17:19

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 10/02/2024 08:50

I can't see that it is a GDPR breach as he didn't access op dh number from work.

He had it due to social reasons (The surprise)

I am also concerned about quite how this is affecting you. I think you should speak to your boss, and I agree it was wrong but also you need to look for support for you.

It's multiple breaches.

  1. The boss inappropriately retained the husband's data (his phone number) long after the purpose for which it was given
  2. The boss used it for a purpose other than that it was given for
  3. The boss inappropriately shared the OP's data (workplace performance of an employee) with someone outside the business who was not entitled to it

It's very much up to the OP but, if she wanted to make something of that ,then she absolutely could.

Sparsely · 10/02/2024 17:31

I wouldn't bother with HR. They are a waste of time. They are not on your side.

Just tell your boss going forward, if he has any problem with you, your work, your availability or your mental health, he needs to raise it with you and you alone.

InSpainTheRain · 10/02/2024 17:39

Personally I'd speak to my boss and ask them why they called your husband. I'd also tell the boss that they have also inadvertently made things worse as you were trying to take stress of your DH now the boss has increased that pressure giving DH something else to worry about. Tell you boss that they have overreached massively and the question should be whether you are doing your job effectively, nothing else.

HelplessSoul · 10/02/2024 17:40

This reply has been deleted

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SouthLondonMum22 · 10/02/2024 17:47

I'd be furious. Completely overstepped and I can't help but think he wouldn't have done it if OP was a man.

I'd be having a talk with my boss to please talk to me as I'm capable of speaking for myself.

doilooklikeicare · 10/02/2024 17:47

@NoOrdinaryMorning no matter if he was "concerned", what he did was totally and absolutely wrong!

You think it's ok? Really?

He needs to follow through procedure and not decide himself and break the law. A grievance would lead to additional training, which is needed.

Happyhappyday · 10/02/2024 17:51

I would also go to him and say you appreciate his intentions were good but it was very inappropriate for him to contact your husband and it needs to never happen again. If he’s contrite, I’d leave it at that. If not, I’d ask HR to document it but not take it further unless he got really huffy about it.

BronwenTheBrave · 10/02/2024 17:56

What a bastard. Report him to HR and see if you can get him sacked. You deserve so much better than this.

SarahAndQuack · 10/02/2024 18:05

LadyLapsang · 10/02/2024 10:22

Your boss was in the wrong but you / your DH blurred professional lines by texting each other about the social event previously. Why didn’t your DH just say I am arranging a surprise, you book these days off? One thing I have learned over the years, only give your personal number to highly trusted people. Some people have no idea of professional boundaries and pass on phone numbers.

There's no 'but' about it.

It's perfectly legitimate for people to be on friendly terms outside work. My boss sometimes invites the whole team to social events; sometimes one or other of us will invite him to things. I know people who have had their boss at their wedding or a big-number birthday meal. But social events are separate from work. It doesn't make it ok for the boss to have texted the OP's husband about something like this, not at all.

Fionaville · 10/02/2024 18:05

I don't think you should contact HR. Your boss is just showing concern for you, it was clumsy of them to call your husband, but it shows they have noticed a change in you and want to support you if something is wrong. They shouldnt have called, but it would be a shame to see them punished for it.
I find it concerning that your husbands job situation is impacting you so negatively that you aren't yourself in work. Also that you think a concerned phone call from your boss, would stress your DH out so much.
I feel like it's you who is actually the stressed one at the moment, more so than your DH.

SarahAndQuack · 10/02/2024 18:07

BodenCardiganNot · 10/02/2024 15:08

If posters would actually read the op's 2 posts on this thread, they would see that the op did not specify if her boss was male or female. It's fascinating to see that the vast majority of replies have reached the conclusion that her boss is a man.

It's interesting, isn't it? I must admit I keep falling into thinking 'he' about the boss, when the OP has carefully written 'they'.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 10/02/2024 18:13

Happyhappyday · 10/02/2024 17:51

I would also go to him and say you appreciate his intentions were good but it was very inappropriate for him to contact your husband and it needs to never happen again. If he’s contrite, I’d leave it at that. If not, I’d ask HR to document it but not take it further unless he got really huffy about it.

If not, I’d ask HR to document it but not take it further unless he got really huffy about it

im not sure that's the way HR depts work. Luke I'm not sure101 logs calls at mumsnetters' requests

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 10/02/2024 18:16

BronwenTheBrave · 10/02/2024 17:56

What a bastard. Report him to HR and see if you can get him sacked. You deserve so much better than this.

see if you can get him sacked

no, I wouldn't go for a full on scorched earth policy

I'd speak with boss and/or HR and/or senior manage,ent. I wouldn't however go on a crusade to get him fired

Metallicant · 10/02/2024 18:17

Massive gdpr breach!

DottieMoon · 10/02/2024 19:30

This is terrible. I would be furious.
I would definitely be having strong words with the boss and letting HR know

godmum56 · 10/02/2024 19:30

IncompleteSenten · 10/02/2024 08:10

That was not only inappropriate but potentially dangerous.
What if your husband was an abuser? That phone call could have seen you beaten to a pulp.
There are good and bad ways to try to help and support someone. He chose a bad way.

I would report it to hr pointing out that fortunately you aren't in that situation but that he could have put a woman at risk.

This.

PaperDoIIs · 10/02/2024 20:35

Fionaville · 10/02/2024 18:05

I don't think you should contact HR. Your boss is just showing concern for you, it was clumsy of them to call your husband, but it shows they have noticed a change in you and want to support you if something is wrong. They shouldnt have called, but it would be a shame to see them punished for it.
I find it concerning that your husbands job situation is impacting you so negatively that you aren't yourself in work. Also that you think a concerned phone call from your boss, would stress your DH out so much.
I feel like it's you who is actually the stressed one at the moment, more so than your DH.

How were they showing concern? What actual support did they offer OP?

Fionaville · 10/02/2024 21:25

PaperDoIIs · 10/02/2024 20:35

How were they showing concern? What actual support did they offer OP?

Show quote history

OP told her boss that life is exhausting at the moment. OP does seem overly worried about how her boss showing concern about her wellbeing, would stress her DH out (which is a bit of a red flag) Reading between the lines, OP is the one who seems very stressed and this is showing at work too. The boss knows OP and her DH, better than we do. I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt, that their intentions are good.
Assuming all this has happened in the last day or so, we don't know how/if boss can show more support. But I think it was supportive in itself that boss is showing she/he cares for OP. DH may be having trouble at work, but his wife's boss reaching out to him saying wife doesn't seem herself, shouldn't cause him stress, but concern!

FrenchieF · 10/02/2024 21:50

PaperDoIIs · 10/02/2024 12:48

How is messaging the husband making anything better for OP? People who act out of concern want to help. How is that message helping?

Why not have another chat with her, offer her a day off /a mental health day or several since she said she is exhausted, why not signpost her to any support services if the company buys into that, why not look at her workload/working pattern ? All options available to the manager, that are part of their job and that would actually do something for OP.

Jesus Fucking Christ, the bar for care and concern is low.

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It’s not having a low bar. I clearly said it was wrong he should not have messaged. Of course he could and should offer support.
The question was can her boss message her husband, well no he shouldn’t have, but he did. And hopefully it came from a good place and doesn’t add more stress to the situation. That’s all I meant.

ILoveHugeAckman · 10/02/2024 21:57

StopStartStop · 10/02/2024 12:26

Shocking. The little woman is being problematic so the men are sorting her out, between themselves. Fuck off, that boss.

How do you know the boss is a man?

I think it is a woman

ILoveHugeAckman · 10/02/2024 22:00

SarahAndQuack · 10/02/2024 18:07

It's interesting, isn't it? I must admit I keep falling into thinking 'he' about the boss, when the OP has carefully written 'they'.

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Yes, I asked the OP hours ago, she hasnt responded to anything actually but I know the responses would be VERY different if OP confirmed it was a woman (am pretty sure it is)