Can my boss contact my husband?

[ajdjad]

My husband (main money earner) is under a lot of stress at work and I am trying my hardest to reduce stress at home during this time. I am therefore not putting myself forward for overtime in my job, so he doesn’t have to worry about childcare if his shifts run over (which at the moment they often do)

Overtime has always been optional in my job and I have taken shifts in the past if I know husband is around for the kids (we can survive without the extra money, I just want to help my team where I can and who doesn’t mind a little extra spending money).

My boss has picked up on this and says I’m not myself at work (I maybe a little quieter, but home life is going through a tougher patch, but I don’t want to bring my home life to work). I have just answered life is a little exhausting at the moment but I may be open to overtime again in the future.

Boss had my husband’s number from a previous, when husband was organising a surprise for me a few years ago. They haven’t contacted each other since and it was only for this purpose. Boss has messaged husband asking if I’m ok as not myself/taking overtime.

I feel so upset. They have gone behind my back and now caused more stress at home (something else on my husbands load!). Are they allowed to do this? Is this something I can report to HR? Or AIBU?

I think your boss meant well, and it's nice they are caring for you.

However on this occasion they've made an error of judgement.

I'd perhaps have a word with your boss.

For the purpose you've outlined here - no, absolutely not. Your boss should NOT have reached out to your husband.

The fact that your boss held on to your husband's phone number and it's not just in your HR file as a NOK contact number or similar and that's the only purpose for it is disgraceful.

I'd be straight in to HR on Monday and raising this with them.

1. Why did he hang on to your husband's number?
2. Why did he feel that he had the right to go behind your back in relation to you not taking overtime for the company? If it's overtime, it isn't mandated into your contract that you must fulfil X number of overtime shifts per quarter or similar (is it?)
3. It was in relation to overtime so not in relation to your daily job. By doing what he's done, he's actually made things more difficult for you at home because your DH now feels under even more stress than he was previously.

If I were you, I'd keep doing what you're doing and pay no heed to what your boss says about overtime. Not everyone needs or wants to do overtime.

Definitely get in touch with HR about why the manager had held on to your DH's number, how they overstepped on this occasion and that you are now more stressed than before the call was made. You will have no option but to approach your GP and get signed off work for stress. See how he likes them apples!

Your boss should not have done this - gross invasion of privacy and overstepping all professional boundaries. In my work place this would result in disciplinary action being taken. I hope all the people saying it shows your boss cares and it's ok don't manage any staff. As an employee you only have to disclose what you want to disclose. As a manager it is not my place to disbelieve you and try and investigate the truth. Your boss could have pointed you to employee assistance etc. if they thought there was more going on than you wanted to discuss with them. The fact it hasn't put you at risk of domestic violence is irrelevant - it could have done and your boss had zero way to know this.

@ajdjad - You wrote "I’m not great at confrontation, but I suppose the correct thing would be to talk to boss first and then escalate to HR if not happy with their response."

Don't talk to your boss first. He didn't afford you the same courtesy.

Go to HR.

It's not confrontational. You simply want to clarify what the story is here. You're standing up for yourself, in a non-confrontational way. You want to know where the line in the sand is, so that if your boss does overstep (which I genuinely think he did in this instance) you know what to do in the future.

I haven't used the word "harassment".

Of course the OP's DH giving his number out to organise a one off surprise for OP has nothing to do with work. That is exactly the point! The Manager has then taken it upon themselves to message OP's DH about a work-related matter without OP's permission. As you rightly point out, OP is the employee not her Husband, so any concerns the Manager has should be raised with OP directly, not through her DH behind her back. The mention of overtime is absolutely relevant as this could be perceived as putting pressure on a member of staff to work over their contracted hours.

I work in an organisation where many staff socialise outside of work and partners and families are often included in this, but this would still be seen as completely unacceptable.

But his intentions are completely and utterly irrelevant. The man took actions which could put a female employee at risk because she wasn't picking up his overtime shifts.

His intentions are for HR to address and consider. If its well intended he needs basic training in domestic violence/risk, inappropriate interference in his subordinate's personal life and possibly casual sexism. The next woman he does this to might be more at risk. In this case its just added more stress to an already stressed member of staff.

There is nothing wrong with making a direct personal enquiry if you have concerns about an employee - ideally you would also ask them if they need any support or work adjustments.
Anything more than that, a proper welfare check etc should be referred to HR - the department which should be trained to conduct any personal checks needed.

@LookItsMeAgain “The fact that your boss held on to your husband's phone number”

Oh calm down!
Leaving aside whether he should have used it, who hasn’t got a mobile stuffed full of numbers of people from one off long ago events?! He didn’t “hold on to it”.

I literally thought this

I don't understand why nobody can see why this might have caused more stress.

When I was experiencing a crisis with my MH a few years back, if I had received a message from my Husband's boss asking if he was OK, saying they were worried because he wasn't himself and wasn't staying late when they had asked him to etc it would have sent me into a complete panic.

I would probably have become fixated on the idea that he was going to lose his job. I would also have felt tremendously guilty that my stress was now impacting him and his work.

I would also have felt really embarrassed and put on the spot at such a personal intrusion, as I didn't want to broadcast to all and sundry how much I was struggling. DH would probably have come home to find me in bits, wondering what the hell it was that had set me off.

I can easily see why this has caused additional stress for OP and DH if he's already struggling emotionally.

Why is everyone immediately assuming the OP’s husband is abusive … not everyone who suffers from stress is abusive.
He is going through a difficult time and she’s trying to lift the burden, that’s all.
Stop being so nosey, prying into their lives and trying to make out her husband is something he’s not.
Believe it or not it’s actually possible that a wife simply wants to support her husband through a difficult time, I know this is a surprise to most MN posters but some couples actually do love and support each other !!
As to your question OP yes I think your manager overstepped the mark, I would mention it to him and make sure he doesn’t do it again.

How bloody dare he

No this is not concern
No this is not professional

Whats next contact your parents or child?

just no

Does he feel an adult woman can ask for herself

I havne't time to read the full thread so opinion may change if OP has posted updates but here's the thing - HR is there to stop people being mistreated. It sounds to me that if boss had husband's number from organising a surprise years ago, then boss probably just cares? sounds like it came from a good place to me.

Yes obviously they shouldn't have, but if it's a smaller work environment this just sounds like a case of someone having a human reaction and reaching out? Whether it's a breach of GDPR is by the by - can adults not interact any more without legalities being involved? HR are there to help people when they are really needed, not there just to 'report' people to.

OP you could raise this with your boss, but not HR. That would likely affect your relationship with your boss more. Just say to your boss 'I wish you hadnt' contacted him, it was overstepping a bit. All i'm doing is trying to make his life easier at the moment and this rather added to the stress' Doesn't feel like a matter for HR to me?

Hi OP, I work in HR and totally agree with @Hollyhocksarenotmessy . It doesn't matter whether your boss's intentions were good, what they did was completely inappropriate.

You'd be well within your rights to speak to HR about it on the following grounds:

It is infantalising, you'd already spoken to your boss and they went over your head.

It is a complete overreach from your boss in response to something very minor.

You don't wish to mix work and home as you've said here.

It's not the purpose for which the phone number was provided.

It could be potentially dangerous if someone was in an abusive relationship. You are not, but your boss doesn't actually know that.

If you feel it would cause you more stress raising it with HR I'd say all the above to your manager. I'd be furious in your shoes OP.

People are assuming boss is a man because men do things like this. Women do not. Generally

OP can you explain how/why the bosses call to your husband has caused more stress for you?

But the point is, that the number was given for completely non work related purposes and it was a complete breach of the OP’s privacy for her boss to use it in the way he did.

I'm quite calm, thanks.

If the boss saved the number in their contacts on their phone, they did 'hold on to the number'.

If you simply type the numbers in once and make a call and never save the number in your contacts, you don't 'hold on to the number'.

I for one don't keep numbers on my phone from one-off long ago events. If I do have a number in my 'recently dialled' list, and it was for a single purpose, I wouldn't have a name against it and won't be able to tell you who/where the number is for.

This particular manager did keep or as I put it earlier "hold on to" the OP's husband's number.

No, it is not right because the boss should not forget that he/she needs to keep a profesional distance and adhere to the rules of the job particularly if boss is the one in a position of power.

He hasn't reached out for support. All he wants is her to do overtime. At least this is what I understood.

OP didn’t say it has caused more stress for herself. She said it has caused more stress at home due to the call communicating to her husband that something was wrong with OP at work because she’s not taking overtime shifts. She said it’s added to the load husband carries.

If I'm reading correctly, your dh previously shared their number with boss for personal reasons that suited you and your dh. The surprise wasn't work related. Number no doubt stored in boss' contacts and boss pressumes a personal, if not close, connection.
Talk to your boss in the first instance. Your DH's issues are impacting on your own work and you seem withdrawn. They've raised it with you but you've been unresponsive and they've used the personal connection with dh to try to support you. You may consider your job to be pin money but your boss obviously has responsibilities to the company and a duty of care that has made them overstep somewhat. If it's caused trouble at home then, again, this is a reflection also on the tension you're living with.

I actually do think it’s an HR matter. OP’s boss overstepped boundaries and breached her privacy. He also potentially put her at risk - had she been in an abusive relationship, the call could have put her in considerable danger. HR need to be involved so that they can provide guidance to her boss on what is, and is not acceptable, and to make it clear that such actions could easily have left the company open to legal action if there had been repercussions.

That’s massively overstepping.
Imagine a woman quiet at work, not wanting overtime because she has an abusive, controlling husband. That phone call could well get her another beating.
As well as the fact that you’re perfectly able to speak for yourself.
I’d speak to HR and hope they suggest your boss returns to the Victorian era he appears to have come from.

No, but I’d lay the odds at 90% because most women would never do this.

It is not from a place of concern. I’d have DH block the number and then my next action would depend on what kind of person the manager is and how much I needed the job.

YANBU OP, what he did was completely out of line, no question. It is indefensible regardless of his intentions. At the very least, have a conversation with him about his overstepping, but going straight to HR is also fine. What is your gut telling you? Do you think he did it out of concern or to try and pressure you into overtime?

If the former, sit down, be still and have a conversation with yourself. It might be that you are struggling more than you have noticed. This is a very common thing.