I always get rejected by less attractive men

[Heyarnold33]

I know this thread will probably piss people off, I'll get accused of being arrogant, a rubbish personality, deluded and all sorts, and that is fine, I'm just sharing my point of view.
I am in my early 30s and generally told I'm very attractive, and I also believe I am. I know it's taboo to admit such a thing, but I believe I am pretty with a nice figure.
We are always told that men go for looks moreso than women. I've never dated a man who was considered incredibly handsome at all, a few of the men I've dated or been into considered themselves unattractive and put themselves down.
I can still get shy with men I like initially, but after seeing them a few times I come out of my shell.
Anyway none of these men seem to have romantic feelings for me. The 2 last serious boyfriends I've had were considered better-looking, not saying Greek gods but people said they were good looking and such.
A few of the other men who've rejected me, I didn't initially fancy them but I came to love their looks as I fell for them as people.
They seemed to be sexually attracted but just didn't get romantic feelings for me, even if we got on great or whatever. They just didn't want me to be their girlfriend. Literally 5 different men over the course of a few years.
It might just be pure coincidence, it might be me. When I was a lot younger I could come across as very keen, I've scaled it back now but I am not someone who plays very hard to get, I like push and pull but I do show my interest because otherwise what's the point.
Some of these men were just very immature, probably most. But makes me realise how little looks matter outside of an initial attraction.. anyone else experienced this?

You sound immature. Do you want a meaningful long term relationship? People do not reject you purely based on looks, but attitudes, personality and values.
So what if some men you like didn't like you back? It happens all the time to both sexes. Focus on more important things rather than looks or lack of.

I'll let you know if I decide to let this husband go 🤣

Stop overthinking the dating process. It’s supposed to be fun. You’re either attracted to someone or you’re not. Who cares about looks, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Chill out, you’ll subconsciously come across to prospective dates as (your words not mine!) deluded and arrogant.

Watch the movie “he’s just not that into you”

Don't let them sleep with you at all if there's no relationship, unless a fling is what you're looking for.

What do you do for a living. If you don't have kids they prob think you do as your in yours 30s. ?? Date someone at 38 usually divorced and looking to settle down

I know it’s not helpful but I honestly think some people no matter how nice or good looking they are, they just don’t give off “relationship vibes”. They are lovely people, get plenty of attention, plenty of dates, plenty of sex, but they just don’t give off “settling down” vibes. I have a friend like this, always single, he is lovely, handsome, a perfect gent, always on dates and “seeing” someone, but it never progresses to relationship. One of my other friends dated him and even said when it fell apart she couldn’t explain why but he just wasn’t relationship vibes!

Yes it's strange, why is that?

Just a vibe people give off I think! Something which can’t be helped really but it does seem to be a real thing

When I talk about 5 different men btw, this was literally over a 6 year period.

Where do you approach these men?

Have you approached most of the men you have dated?

I think men preferr to do the chasing and to feel like they have won some kind of prize rather than being handed it on a plate, maybe I’m wrong though…..it would be good to get a man’s perspective on this if any are following this thread?

Anywhere, work, uni (when younger) through friends etc. I just started talking to them really, otherwise I don't think some of them would have ever spoken to me.

With kindness, you're coming off too keen - of course they will shag you if you're fit (probably even if you're not that fit). It sucks, but asking men out, letting them know you're interested, making effort to talk to them etc just doesn't work. It's a turn off, even if you're the most awesome person in the world it will give them the ick. You don't need to be an ice maiden, but let them come to you, let them give 60% to your 40%.

I had a chat with a therapist about my dynamic with men, talked some things through. So odd but without doing anything differently I had three guys in a row ask me out to dinner within 3 weeks of that (rather than the crap quality, flaky, hot and cold texting that I'd been tolerating whilst dating for 3 years). Ended up marrying one of them. It's a hunch, but maybe you could chat to somebody a bit more qualified about what's going on, it might help?

I do agree with what you're saying but honestly not sure if it's that, the problem is some men will never come to you if you don't go to them first as they just won't approach you due to lack of confidence and such.

I have a colleague at work who's really into a woman there, but he just doesn't have the courage to ask her out because he thinks she's not interested. Like she talks to him but she talks to other men too, and I've tried to give him lots of encouragement but he just doesn't have the courage.

Honestly that kind of upsets me, the thought that some men would decide they could never, ever be with me because I was the one to first show interest. Is that really how it works?

Well, personality is kind of important too.

@Heyarnold33

Honestly that kind of upsets me, the thought that some men would decide they could never, ever be with me because I was the one to first show interest. Is that really how it works?

I honestly don’t know if this is the case as I’m female…..there any men reading this thread that could comment on this / provide advice?….. do men see women who approach them as less of a catch?

That's not really what I'm saying. Yes obviously the guy needs to think he has a shot so that he knows to ask, but you said that you've been 'too keen' in the past and it sounds as though you're quite bold and up front (I'm not judging, I was that person!) It's about having a bit of subtlety about it. Help them understand at the start that you could be interested, but let them ask you out. Be lovely and flirty on the date but let them lean in for the kiss. Let them text first. Let them arrange the second date. Etc. And it's not that they would 'decide' that they don't like you, it's not rational, it's a vibe thing.

Honestly it says more about them than you. Disgusting behaviour. Who would want to be with one of them losers anyway?

I think most men with the least to offer generally seem to expect the most these days. My advice- never lower your standards as you will only end up being rejected and feeling even worse!

This is such a load of bullshit. I’ve had so much male attention in my 40s from younger men.

Now I’ve read the whole thread. The thing that I find weird throughout the general gist of this is that you consider there to be some sort of universal attractiveness. Hear me out. I agree there is a socially and culturally accepted type of attractiveness - we see it through the decades where heroin chin thin was popular, then it was big arsed or whatever. No single person could therefore be deemed acceptably attractive across that span unless they had a lot of ever-changing surgery.

However, throughout that time, people of all types got into relationships and were happy. Without living up to whatever cultural standard.

My point is, you are deeming yourself, and others, on some weird fictional generally accepted scale of ‘attractive’ based on physical attributes. Frankly, not only is that a bit stupid, because genuine attractiveness has little to do with singular physical attributes and everything to do with a myriad of traits, including confidence, the way a person carries themselves, their own perception of themselves, their personality, their goals, the way they speak of others etc.

The only thing you’ve really said, and the hook you’re hanging your coat on, is ‘I’m attractive and blokes who aren’t attractive should like me because I rank higher than them but they’re not and I’m sad.’

Frankly, for me this ranks as one of the most tedious qualities a person can possess and tells me so much about what they prioritise and how they will behave.

I am name changing after this! I have been married for 30 years so I am obviously on the more mature side. I got engaged in my late twenties. Okay, I was usually described as "very attractive" and I was nicely dressed, well educated, knew which fork to use etc. Yes, I think it makes life easier in many ways but I'm not sure good looks equals being instant relationship catnip.

In fact, I was treated very badly - then somebody behaved in an incredibly awful way. Up to that point I had been nice and sweet - very kind and thoughtful. After that awful moment when I found out what he'd done, I decided I was going to behave just as badly as men did. At last, men adored me. I once got fed up with a man who was awfully cheap and when he was blithering on about some concert tickets being expensive (I was paying for my own) so I just hung up the phone on him while he was in midflight. He actually rang me back a week later to ask me out - of course I didnt go. I suppose I was the ultimate hard to get. I actually asked my husband out but told him up front I wasn't looking for a long term relationship as he seemed nice! (This is probably a high risk strategy.) My mother reminded me about her mantra of, "treat em mean, keep 'em keen". Why didn't I listen earlier? I was always asked out by older men but married somebody only a few years older

Anyway, if I were you I'd get a copy of a book wrtten in the 80s or 90s called The Rules and encourage men to talk about themselves. (At least when they tell you about their delinquent firestarter teenager you know to cross them off your list.) Follow the rules, dress nicely, dont chase and you'll be a Jacky. People may mock and talk about communication being key rather than game playing and that my suggestions are old-fashioned but really they are saying what they think ought to be true rather than what is.

@ZephrineDrouhin

Agree, sometimes being too nice in life gets you nowhere ….. in work or relationships

Its sad but true

By the way assuming a man lacks confidence and you need to ask him out is very often a shortcut to humiliation. In my experience even the shyest man can manage to mutter an invitation for coffee, a drink, lunch etc. If he hasn't got the guts to do that, why would you be interested? It may be that you simply aren't his type and he's not interested. He may like short dark haired women and you're a 5' 10 blonde. Yes, I did ask my husband out but he had asked me out previously when I was going out with somebody else.