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Original poster

MIL kept our wedding gift money

228 replies

newmomaboutthreads · 09/02/2024 12:54

For context we are both British born Indians. My husbands family are much more traditional, can't speak english for example however I have been brought up in much more western environment. So this maybe cultural that I don't understand.

My MIL kept all the money that was given to us on our wedding.
A lot was cash placed in my lap and some given in cards. She has kept all that cash and the cards from my husbands family.
She gave me the cards from my husbands friends only (my mum had the cards from my friends & family and gave them all to me when we got back from honeymoon). But I know my husbands family gave us a lot but nothing else was given to us.

We would be talking thousands. We don't need the money but I just find it really weird.

Is this something cultural that I don't get?

OP posts:
TheBeesKnee · 09/02/2024 12:57

You'd be best off asking your husband, surely?

mummylove24 · 09/02/2024 12:59

No that’s not cultural, that’s called stealing.

In some cultural weddings a Mother of the Bride and Groom can be “sprayed” with money which is for them…..but not envelopes addressed to bride and groom!

Sceptre86 · 09/02/2024 13:00

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Original poster
newmomaboutthreads · 09/02/2024 13:00

TheBeesKnee · 09/02/2024 12:57

You'd be best off asking your husband, surely?

Yes good point. I did, he just kind of awkwardly said he's not sure.
I also don't want to be the person saying "where's our money?!" but also where's our money?

OP posts:
Mlb123 · 09/02/2024 13:01

It's grabby , not you, the cheeky mil x

Original poster
newmomaboutthreads · 09/02/2024 13:03

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The benefit being the anonymity. My parents have never heard of anything like it, but said not to ask. There are lots of people on Mumsnet who would know about this.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 09/02/2024 13:04

Google the customs of your dh’s specific caste or community. It could be the custom or she could be behaving very inappropriately. Same thing happened to my Nepali sister, in a way: shown lots of gold and household that would be gifted to her after the marriage. After the marriage everything seized, locked away, and her own dowry spent. Generally speaking property is understood as family (mens), dowery (gifts from your side) and personal property (your earnings, gifts that are given to you byyour dh, your family, or friends). Not sure where wedding gift cash falls.

Original poster
newmomaboutthreads · 09/02/2024 13:04

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I paid for the wedding (no contribution from parents or husband)

OP posts:
Mosaic123 · 09/02/2024 13:08

What! That doesn't sound right OP.

Could you send paid invoices to your MIL? Maybe she will give the gifts to you?

Discuss with husband first.

pikkumyy77 · 09/02/2024 13:09

To the extent that you are now the matriarch of your proto family you should ask where is the money. I look at it this way: if they aren’t embarrassed to have taken it how can it be embarrassing to ask about it? But you may find they think they are just because it will pay for the wedding expenses, or because they will say it pays for some gifts they were going to Give you later (!) or because they need it to make the next child’s wedding or dowry bigger.

TomeTome · 09/02/2024 13:09

Well the culture is dependent on the people. Drive your own ship. Ask her and explain that you thought the money was for you and dh. There’s no need for rudeness or misunderstanding. Stand up and take your place.

Manniest · 09/02/2024 13:13

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Why not ask Mumsnet just because they are British born Indians? People here ask all sorts of questions re family issues. You seem to be assuming there are no other British born Indians on Mumsnet, or that this is not the place to ask questions if you're from that background ... 🤔

purplehotdogs · 09/02/2024 13:14

Since you paid for the wedding, I'd be asking where the money is too. It's yours!

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 09/02/2024 13:16

I'd just ask her where your money is and if it doesn't magically appear you'll need to contact the police.

Riverlee · 09/02/2024 13:18

“No that’s not cultural, that’s called stealing.”

This

ginasevern · 09/02/2024 13:18

So your own parents have never heard of it? I realise they are not traditional but surely they would know if it was "a thing", just like I would know certain protocols of my culture even though I don't practice them. I can understand your DH not knowing.

What's your MIL like generally. Is she greedy or weird?

HelenDamnation1 · 09/02/2024 13:19

Lol @ calling the police 😂

Nut seriously put your foot down now or they'll be off with your christening presents and all the rest too.

kcchiefette · 09/02/2024 13:20

If you paid for the wedding and they didnt contribute, regardless of religious customs, I would be asking where the money is. Surely, even if it WAS a tradition, they'd be a conversation about it beforehand?

If she pleads ignorance, I would be informing her that you will be contacting the police to investigate where the thousands of pounds has disappeared to.

chantelion · 09/02/2024 13:20

I don't think there's any culture that would think this is ok. At a stretch, maybe if they paid for your wedding. But you paid for it so you actually should ask. This isn't ok this is theft. The money was given because there was a wedding, so the money was comes to the bridal couple.

FeliciteFaff · 09/02/2024 13:20

Ok my bestie in Indian and, I’ve asked her this - she said traditionally the gift money is normally given to parents to support them for the wedding costs, but if it is handed to the bride it is hers and the grooms. Your mother in law has thieved your gift money. Stand up to her now and be prepared for the fall out. Try to do it in a nice way, and if she is resistant, tell her you paid for the wedding entirely on your own and she has no leg to stand on. If she fails to give you the money, leave it (any big problems can hurt your marriage) - remember to keep her far away from you for the rest of her life. I know the shit I would be pulling if someone did it to me.

chantelion · 09/02/2024 13:21

Why didn't your dh contribute to his own wedding? Maybe there's a theme here...

IncompleteSenten · 09/02/2024 13:21

I would message her saying (ahem lying ahem) just thought I'd send you a copy of the thank you message I've just sent to our guests. I've told them thank you so much for the gifts and a special thank you to mil who organised keeping it all safe for us during the wedding. We're looking forward to collecting it so we can (insert what you'll do with it) and will update you with some photos when we've done that. Again, thank you all so much.

She'll shit herself.

The great thing is you can be absolutely staggered if she has a go at you because you simply assumed she was helping you, you had no idea at all she had taken it for herself!

EveryOtherNameTaken · 09/02/2024 13:21

She hasn't 'kept' it. It's not hers to keep. She has stolen it. From you and your husband.

He needs to broach this as it may be the start of similar type of behaviour to come.

EveryOtherNameTaken · 09/02/2024 13:22

You could pretend that guests are asking what you have bought with their gift.

YeahIsaidit · 09/02/2024 13:31

IncompleteSenten · 09/02/2024 13:21

I would message her saying (ahem lying ahem) just thought I'd send you a copy of the thank you message I've just sent to our guests. I've told them thank you so much for the gifts and a special thank you to mil who organised keeping it all safe for us during the wedding. We're looking forward to collecting it so we can (insert what you'll do with it) and will update you with some photos when we've done that. Again, thank you all so much.

She'll shit herself.

The great thing is you can be absolutely staggered if she has a go at you because you simply assumed she was helping you, you had no idea at all she had taken it for herself!

Edited

I was going to say similar. Message her thanking her for keeping it safe and arrange a time to collect as you have plans for it

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