MIL kept our wedding gift money

[newmomaboutthreads]

For context we are both British born Indians. My husbands family are much more traditional, can't speak english for example however I have been brought up in much more western environment. So this maybe cultural that I don't understand.

My MIL kept all the money that was given to us on our wedding.
A lot was cash placed in my lap and some given in cards. She has kept all that cash and the cards from my husbands family.
She gave me the cards from my husbands friends only (my mum had the cards from my friends & family and gave them all to me when we got back from honeymoon). But I know my husbands family gave us a lot but nothing else was given to us.

We would be talking thousands. We don't need the money but I just find it really weird.

Is this something cultural that I don't get?

Why did you pay for the wedding OP? I sensing a back story to put that in context.

I don't know of any culture where Mil keeps all the bride and grooms gifts? None of my Asian friends have ever mentioned this. I would not be happy. Tell your husband it's bang out of order and unacceptable. Either you speak to her together, or he can do it alone but this needs explaining. I don't see how it's fair and feel it should be returned. If it does not get returned then you know you are never giving her anything ever again, if you choose to still speak to her at all.

No back story really. I earn considerably more than everyone else and so I paid. It is tradition not often followed now that the brides family burden the wedding expense. However as weddings get more and more extravagant both sides contribute often nowadays. Given that the money would be coming from me anyway, I thought I either take my all savings into the marriage or I spend some it on the wedding first so it's didn't make a difference.
It also meant as I was paying I could keep my SIL opinions out of everything.

HI OP, firstly, congratulations! So, yes, this is a 'thing' however defos a very old fashioned / traditional thing to do. Something to do with back in the days the parents would pay for the wedding and then Family X would give money and then would get almost 'paid back' on Family X's kids wedding, if that makes sense.
Certainly not something that most Indian fams do these days. My parents / in laws are in their 80's and didn't do anything of the sort.
TBH, proper grabby and rude considering you paid for the wedding.

That's very racist.

Ahhhhhh ok! This explains it. It's like the crowdfunding coming back to you. Makes sense.
The money we got was paying back all her past contributions.

Would've been nice to see the actual cards and messages though 🤦🏽‍♀️

If your in laws are Indian and can't speak English, that's quite unusual, as it's taught in schools. Even most slum kids can speak English.

Do they come from a very poor or rural area?

If so, no wonder she kept the money...they must be living like royalty over there now!

Is it not the norm to send thank you cards to those who have given presents or is it assumed that because there are so many attendees this is impractical apart from those who have been extremely generous?

Perhaps keeping the money is a cultural norm, but isn't keeping cards just bizarre? A message saying 'congrats on your special day' is surely only of value to the wedding couple and no one else.
I would definitely be asking questions and demanding the cards even if not the money (and only not the money if there is a very widespread tradition that it go to MIL).

Thanks! I just told my own DM about my finding. Who said she does in fact remember something like that from back in the day and if that's the case, seeing I spent her families wedding gifts on a trip the Maldives, I now technically owe her and my dad a holiday to the Maldives. 😂

Exactly this. I shall get my husband to ask for the cards at least. Some people may have taken time to write a long heartfelt message because all that was seen was the money in the card.

I can't believe that some posters suggesting that OP shouldn't be asking this question on mumsnet !!! Just offensive.

I am so confused you give a gift of say £50 in an envelope to your mother and then a bit later on she hands it back to you in a different envelope?

I'm British Indian and I have never heard of this! Maybe it's what they did in rural India in the early 20th century, but certainly I've never come across it. By rights, that money is yours. You should ask for it, especially as you paid for the wedding. How is the relationship with the in-laws generally? Are there any cultural misunderstandings?

I'd call it theft.

What does your husband say?

And why would you let her keep it and continue to have a relationship?

I think nowadays it’s very much considered the bride and grooms cash (I definitely considered it to be mine). DH insisted we kept note of who gave what with cards because when their kids get married we’ll contribute back a similar amount (he comes form a very traditional family though). I haven’t heard of anyone in my family doing this so it’s a pretty old tradition.

In my family (and DH’s) the MIL and FIL may be given a gift of gold/ clothes or something (gift between the parents sort of thing) but no cash is taken.

Tbh unless she’s quite elderly she knows this, if she wanted to cover her own costs she should have spoken to your DH about it at the very least, otherwise you just look like you just pinched it.

Oh and yes some mumsnetters aren’t white, we are everywhere 👀.

I don’t know anything about the cultural aspect but surely that’s up to your DH to have that conversation. I think if you bring it up you might cause problems with the in-laws.

No because a)too many people b) you will pay it forward at their family weddings, you thank them at the time because it’s handed to the bride and groom or to their parents, so each person is usually personally thanked immediately but we don’t make a big song and dance about it.

I thinks it's really sad that you didn't even get to see the cards. Some may have had lovely messages or contact details. What a shame.

Am I missing something?

So you basically just swap cash backwards and forwards? So no-one 'gains'?

What's the point of that?

(Genuinely curious)

She sounds like a theiving witch! Get your husband to ask for it back, how cheeky.

I think you need to put your foot down over this and any other piss-taking by your husband’s family straight away.

That's stealing, even if she tries to dress it up as some sort of cultural entitlement. The fact that they didn't contribute to your wedding cost is fair enough, but clearly the money she's stolen isn't in anyway related to recovering some of her costs in that regard (becauseshe has none).
You and OH need to go to her directly and ask for what is rightfully yours to be returned.

Do they live in the UK and how do they manage

It's a status thing. There are some very interesting anthropological textbooks on the subject of Reciprocity.