MIL kept our wedding gift money

[newmomaboutthreads]

For context we are both British born Indians. My husbands family are much more traditional, can't speak english for example however I have been brought up in much more western environment. So this maybe cultural that I don't understand.

My MIL kept all the money that was given to us on our wedding.
A lot was cash placed in my lap and some given in cards. She has kept all that cash and the cards from my husbands family.
She gave me the cards from my husbands friends only (my mum had the cards from my friends & family and gave them all to me when we got back from honeymoon). But I know my husbands family gave us a lot but nothing else was given to us.

We would be talking thousands. We don't need the money but I just find it really weird.

Is this something cultural that I don't get?

It just seemed bizarre that cash and cards addressed to me were swept away.
If it's a cashflow thing they should just give the mil cash discretely before the wedding, not pass it to me or put it in a card.
I guess I've got a lot to learn.

I'd expect that to make a difference, since although some do take the gifts as "payback" for what the wedding has cost them, that clearly isn't the case here

TBH I'm a bit uncertain as to why you were paying it all yourself anyway, but good luck getting it back from MIL, if as you said she comes from an undeveloped area

Now the tradition likely to be at the root of the situation is clear, to prevent a recurrence in some way, I’d check out christenings or equivalent, birthdays and any other general gift giving occasions so you can head off future problems

This money is really your MILs . Its money that she has already given/ will give at future weddings.

Very normal practice in Indian families. I gave my Sangan money to my mum and my husband gave his to his mum. Its the polite thing to do!

Don’t count your chickens! By the time your ds gets married all the cash will be virtual, your future dil will have set up an app on her phone ,she will hold it in her lap ( it will be suitably blinged) and everyone who comes to offer congrats will just click on the app and transfer the money straight into her bank account, no cash !!!!!!!!🙂

I agree. This doesn't seem right to me.😐

Umm what? Why didn't your husband pay for his own wedding? And now his mother has taken your money and he doesn't think it's his responsibility to get it back?

WTF?! You're saying MN doesn't / couldn't possibly have any posters who are British-born Indian! Is this forum only for white Brits, @Sceptre86? Any particular hue of white? Do you think it's only for English people, or are Scottish and Welsh and Northern Irish Brits allowed too? Any Catholics ok? Or just CoE? Muslims okay with you? How about men, are they allowed? Gay women, should they go to a different forum to ask questions specific to their sexuality because there are only heterosexual women on here?

Jeez. You'd have thought people would have got with it by now 🙄

But it is kind of OP’s culture, just that her parents don’t seem to know/participate in it now.

It also sort of makes sense if the in-laws are poor, maybe they expect to be kept or something financial to help them (from who they see as rich son and DIL).

Ask her for your money. If she refuses to hand it over report the theft to the police.

British laws apply to all people in the UK regardless of culture.

DH needs to raise this with his Mum, it's not on if they didn't contribute to the wedding.

It sounds like your husband is opting out of the conversation here. I hope you’re not going to let him! He should be speaking to his mother.

So it’s traditional and normal. I can’t understand though still why OP’s parents don’t know this nor does her DH? Surely if this was common knowledge they’d all know this.

Indian and married over 15 years and my MIL did this too. We were taught to be submissive and not question elders. I was a chronic people pleaser too and desperate to be liked/loved. I will never forgive her for taking what was our money to start our home and life but it's too late to ask now. I maybe am older so cultural expectations of us then were different but I would ask mil politely and say have you got the money from the wedding... we need it for x, y , z

But how did she get the cash that was in your lap?

Also did you not send thank you cards/videos to your DH’s side of the family? Would have been a perfect chance to ask for your cards and money?

But in this case, the MIL just took it. She didn't wait to be given it.

This is what I think. If it’s outdated and and submissive then it’s controlling really. And OP shouldn’t question it. Ever in the Indian traditional world, as she’ll be seen as an outlier. But I think differently.

No you don’t have “a lot to learn”
this is theft. It is the misappropriation of property belonging to another with the intention to permanently deprive. It is the law of the land in which your MiL resides. No crime is acceptable “because if culture” and that includes theft.

On a slightly different topic I used to work for a law firm that employed an Iranian lawyer. One day a woman rang and managed to explain to me that she was married but thought she couldn’t get divorced due to Sharia law. As I recall she eventually (after I’d left the firm) came to our offices a while later and saw the Iranian lawyer and our male white divorce lawyer. We told her in no uncertain terms that British law worked in UK where she lived. She had no idea, just believed her iman and DH. And Iranian community.

If she's a seamstress in presumably a poor village then I'd guess that amount of money would be life-changing for her?

Maybe it will keep her out of further mischief OP and allow you and your DH to have a quiet and calm marriage!

I'd let it go on this occasion but possibly be very very wary of any future grabiness!

Is MNet not for British born Indians? Are they excluded? Surely it is for all.

Why are you so rude ? And that’s not true , ‘traditionally’ the brides family would pay for the wedding anyway, so no reason for grooms side to keep money. These days it’s different of course. And no tradition to gift back to either parents.

OP I am British born Indian with traditional in laws (they are from India) and everything was given back to us.

I have been to several British born Indian ( Hindi if it makes any difference ? ) weddings, where I have been a guest of the groom.

The gift inside my card was intended for the new bride and her husband ( my friend ) NOT his parents !!!

Hey so yes traditionally the money is usually kept by the parents to help pay off the bits for the wedding. However it should be pretty much discussed.

For example when my brother got married, my parents discussed with him that whatever money in cards he receives from our side the of the family it needs to be put towards whatever photographer they wanted. The cards my sis innlaw received was hers so it was up to her/her parents whatever they decided.

However the money they got in laps etc they both got to keep. From what I remember they kept that money as spending money for their honeymoon.

When I got married. I told my parents to keep the money from the cards (they gave me the cards so I could read them) so they could pay off bits from the wedding as I was still a student/bot working.

Oh and I had to do the whole 'write down who gave how much' malarkey too!

It works differently for different families. But it should be discussed anyway.

It could be a generational thing too.
And how you've been brought up. If that makes sense.