MIL kept our wedding gift money

[newmomaboutthreads]

For context we are both British born Indians. My husbands family are much more traditional, can't speak english for example however I have been brought up in much more western environment. So this maybe cultural that I don't understand.

My MIL kept all the money that was given to us on our wedding.
A lot was cash placed in my lap and some given in cards. She has kept all that cash and the cards from my husbands family.
She gave me the cards from my husbands friends only (my mum had the cards from my friends & family and gave them all to me when we got back from honeymoon). But I know my husbands family gave us a lot but nothing else was given to us.

We would be talking thousands. We don't need the money but I just find it really weird.

Is this something cultural that I don't get?

Never heard this from any of our larger friend groups and entire family. It’s just being greedy

OK well that's a bit odd, but then again if it were all her family then I understand somewhat. You got the money because his parents give money to their children when they got married, so basically it just reciprocation (as happens in big Indian weddings, although I'm assuming usually the bride and groom would keep it)

Your husband should be speaking with his mother on this. I hope he doesn't whimp out on doing so.
On another note I've enjoyed reading about the traditions.

They had to give it to you because it is ‘shagun’ which means blessings. It’s an important part of the wedding for all elders to give shagun to the newly married couple and the money represents this. Traditionally you would all be living together and the money would be spent as a household so it wouldn’t really matter who kept it.

Does your DH give his parents money? Because as a son he would be expected to give part of his monthly salary to his parents and pay for his sisters’ weddings! If you don’t have to do those things you’ve got off lightly tbh.

Really?! No contribution from your husband??

@newmomaboutthreads From my new understanding the gifted money is kept to help cost of host her sons pre wedding ceremonies (and for any future weddings of her daughters (?) - I've added this bit) and as payback for the weddings she has helped pay for in the past.

She will get the money when SHE hosts HER daughter's weddings. The weddings she paid for.

She gets money for weddings SHE pays for as repayment for weddings SHE contributed to on the past.
Getting the money for a wedding YOU paid for is just taking advantage of a tradition even when it isn't relevant as YOU paid for this one not her.

But it's your money and your family so you get to do what you want.

It also sort of makes sense if the in-laws are poor, maybe they expect to be kept or something financial to help them (from who they see as rich son and DIL)

Very possibly, though considering the DH paid nothing towards the wedding it's not clear whether he's a "rich son" or a poor one who found a richer woman to pay

I've known very many Indian couples where the parents paid for the wedding and quite a few where the couple paid themselves, but this is the first I've heard of where the bride paid the whole lot herself

So just ask her. It's going to bug you for life. Failing that, why don't your report her for theft?

Weirdest situation to ever be in! Utterly bizarre!

You need to get your husband on the same page pronto and get your bloody gifts back 😂

My Turkish in-laws did this. I got to keep the gold (which my husband promptly sold), but we never saw the money. The only other possibility is that my husband got the money but never told me. I don't trust any of them now, and keep distance between us, geographically and emotionally.

Why did you pay for the wedding with no contribution from your husband??

I think this is correct. Its a circle of money that needs to be paid back by your inlaws, so they need to record what you recieved from whom and return it one day.

I married a British Indian, his mum took all the gifts and money

I hope you're not living with your ILs, OP

Just to reply as to why I paid.
Traditionally my DF would have paid, but rather than him spend his retirement money, I paid. He then didn't have to touch his money and so it could be retained for him and my DM. I'm lucky enough to be a high earner, had a lot of cash, own home etc so no need for financial assistance.

I never suggested my husband contribute because I knew they were a traditional family and I didn't want any backlash later about doing me any favours by helping my family with the wedding expense. I didn't need their money.
Either way it didn't make a difference as I just went into my marriage with a bit less cash. It would be mine and DH joint money after anyway.
It also meant I could call the shots. (Just not keep the gifts lol)

Nope and no way would/could I. I struggle when we go for the weekend.

Was your husband happy with this? Personally I'd have thought less of a partner that would allow me to do this without quibble, but we're all different.

I never suggested my husband contribute because I knew they were a traditional family and I didn't want any backlash later about doing me any favours by helping my family with the wedding expense. I didn't need their money
Actually, that sounds as though his share (had he offered it) would have been paid by his parents 🤔.
Why couldn't he have paid for himself?

Your in laws are greedy grasping assholes.
Mine did the same thing back in 1997. Claimed it as "wedding expenses ".
It's not a cultural norm and it shows that they will always be transactional in their relationship with you.
Be very careful, very low chance of reclaiming the money gifts.
Their actions show who they are and what matters to them. Sorry this happened to you.

He could've paid. He's got plenty of assets, just less liquid cash.
My father was however also surprised, in this day and age, there wasn't any protest about wanting to contribute from MIL. 🤷🏽‍♀️

Yes, mine also tried to take the 1st baby money, but I opened all the cards in my room, we lived with them and paid rent as well as all our food shopping, neither of us were working so all our income was spent on rent/shopping. The baby was also gifted gold, I wore a pair of earrings that she received and was promptly told to take off and give to MIL for " safekeeping "
When I eventually divorced they asked for ALL the gold back..including the wedding gold I purchased myself (they claimed they couldn't afford one but had to be shown to give me a set)
Wedding money traditionally is for the couple to "start married life " unless by prior arrangement.. like you I paid for the wedding costs but I didn't receive anything back from the money gifted.
Its a cheap move. And as I found out it set a precedent for the future.

@Sceptre86 please take your racist nonsense elsewhere.

Write to every guest who gave money and tell them your mil took it, best to grab the bull by the horns.

Hi, I am Indian and had a big fat indian wedding attended by about 2500 ppl. My parents paid for it and gave us all the gifts and gift money, gold gifts etc. I did ask my parents to keep the cash but they refused. We used it for a honeymoon and some investments etc.

Very strange for your mil to keep your gift money unless you offered. Not cultural, just grabby and stealing.

Oh do one @ObliviousCoalmine I'm asian. My point which I might not have made very eloquently was that in this case ops dilemma is very culture specific. Asking a largely white British forum for advice on this occasion is difficult because most posters would automatically presume her inlaws are unreasonable because this isn't something done in western British culture. As you can see from the posters that are asian or have experience of thks is that so many families do it differently. Op's dh is the best person to ask in this case because he can talk to his parents about it. If op feels it is unfair she should absolutely raise it and I've already mentioned that.