MIL kept our wedding gift money

[newmomaboutthreads]

For context we are both British born Indians. My husbands family are much more traditional, can't speak english for example however I have been brought up in much more western environment. So this maybe cultural that I don't understand.

My MIL kept all the money that was given to us on our wedding.
A lot was cash placed in my lap and some given in cards. She has kept all that cash and the cards from my husbands family.
She gave me the cards from my husbands friends only (my mum had the cards from my friends & family and gave them all to me when we got back from honeymoon). But I know my husbands family gave us a lot but nothing else was given to us.

We would be talking thousands. We don't need the money but I just find it really weird.

Is this something cultural that I don't get?

Yes I now understand why she has kept her side of the family gifts. But either way she's quids in. As she got payment back for wedding she hasn't paid for. Nor will she have any children's weddings to pay for as I don't believe any of my SILs will marry.

Yes ask her OP and let us know what she says - so bizarre and wrong!

Also ignore very odd comments about 'why ask mumsnet' how silly you can of course ask here there will be plenty of people who understand other cultures (just probably not any posters who say things like - ask your own culture 🤣)

So when all of us kids got married, the families kept the money from the cards as they have to “return” the money when the givers kids got married.
EG, family friend gave £20 my mum would have to give the same amount back when their child got married.
We who are married “out” of the family might not be invited so we wouldn’t “return” it.

We also keep a list as we would never want to give less than they gave.

Yes rural. She is elderly and came from a community who didn't send girls to school. Quite sad really.
Works as a seamstress in a place where no one speaks english and everyone speaks her mother tongue, so gets by.

yes this is a tradition, in indian weddings, where mostly bride's parents pay for everything all the gifts ( this can be substantial- cash, gold, silver gift items etc) that are given by the bride's side ( including all the friends and family of bride and her parents) will go to the parents of the bride; BUT all the gifts from the groom side will go the groom parents even though they wouldn't have paid a penny! that is just the way it has been although it may be changing, i am 42 and certainly this is what happened in my wedding, also as pp said the parents on both sides will have to return the equivalent of gifts to the people's marriages when the time comes or may have done in the past- it is a cycle and causes so much unnecesary stress/conflict and financial burden on evryone :-(

Thank you all for your replies. I think I kind of understood the situation now; albeit being totally wrong. Like many traditions have no place now.
I'll probably leave it though as it's been a year. I will instead just look forward to my baby DS marriage so I can take all their gifts 🤦🏽‍♀️😂

Anyone steal some omelet from your plate OP?

it's a British site? is it? should we tell all the irish/canadian/american/aussie etc. mumsnetters to get lost then? and since when are British Indians not British?

plenty of South asians on this site. there is also a section dedicated to South Asian mumsnetters but we are allowed to come out and play with the others. and discuss issues pertinent to our cultural heritage.

@newmomaboutthreads OP you have a weird MIL. never have I heard of this. but for the sake of peace, I would leave it. it's more worrying that your DH didn't contribute to the wedding tbh...

I think op, you need to have a very honest conversation with your husband to talk about what you both want for your future, what you want your marriage to be like and where both sets of parents come into that. I'd want to know that my husband understands that now he's married his wife and any subsequent children must come first to protect his immediate family unit and other people outside of him, his wife, his child can be respected and included where it doesn't negatively impact on the immediate family unit. Establish this now op before you have children and realise that he's raising them with his mother's influence instead of yours. You need to know that he will have your back and you can trust him completely to support and protect you, even from his family if needs be. Then I'd expect him to go and have a conversation with his mother and ask her exactly what the money has been used for or where it is and to ask for it back. You want to start as you mean to go on otherwise it will set a precedent that might be hard to change when you have children etc.

Culture and family are very important but you and your dh get to set your rules as to how Culture and family fit into your lives.

It happens in very traditional Indian households as the MIL is the keeper of the purse/runs the house etc.

Well, in this case, the couple does not live with the matriarch- and they paid for the wedding themselves. So NO this is not appropriate. How to tackle this? I have no idea, but I wouldn't it go.

Because at the time the family is experiencing a big expense which may be difficult to manage. Think of it as a cashflow problem. When another family experiences a cash flow problem because of a wedding you help them out.

Even if you did ask, she won’t admit anything and won’t remember what she stole from what card. She will have got all the money out and spent it or banked it by now.
Your husband needs to grow up and ask them where it is. You need to give her a wide berth as she has shown very little respect to you by doing this.

I didn't know mumsnet was a 'British Site' and I don't know what that means ! Plenty of black / Asian / south Asian / etc... British people! And non British people, who live in Britain, or don't, or are just accessing the internet ?!

Have never seen someone who has left comment and also advised they are from Aus or NZ on here and been met with comments regarding the Britishness of this site

Er this isn’t a question about views, thats like saying “is it normal for male heirs within the british aristocracy to inherit titles whilst daughters are skipped” and someone on a website hosted in India saying “get away with your western views”.

Your argument is nonsensical.

I sincerely hope MN never discuss anything to do with anything outside of the western hemisphere because this is a local forum for local people dontcherknow.

The explanation doesn't relate to your situation though OP as your MIL didn't pay for this wedding. She may well have paid small amounts toward others and then they in return pay small amounts back to her for your wedding. But she didn't pay for your wedding so she's not being paid money for your wedding.
You really need to figure this out as it's real CFery

Especially the way she just assumed and then took it

Where were the guests who gave the gifts expecting that money to go?

Yes however if we are looking at this purely traditionally, she would never have paid a penny towards the wedding itself anyway. My father would have paid for it all.
From my new understanding the gifted money is kept to help cost of host her sons pre wedding ceremonies (and for any future weddings of her daughters (?) - I've added this bit) and as payback for the weddings she has helped pay for in the past.

I'll leave her to the CFery ways. Funny how everyone likes traditional ways when it benefits them.

That I don't know about the missing cards. I know my family expected it to go to us because I sent thank you videos and many asked what were the fun plans we had for it.

But what I don’t understand is that even if it is her culture, it’s not YOUR culture, and it was your bloody wedding!

🤣🤣🤣

But why should you be paying for her DS’s marriage unless you mean your DH’s wedding?

I know a few Asian British marriages but not the ins and outs of them. One woman actually moved from England to her home country of Australia, whether this was to escape in laws I don’t know! The bride was showing off about all the gold jewellery she got on marriage. I’m not sure if Chinese families have this too, as I’ve known a few Chinese/Vietnamese weddings where money is given but no idea of any cultural norms. I suppose you’ve got off lightly not living with your in-laws OP.

So as I understand it you’ve received the gifts from your side of the family, your friends and your DH’s friends. But your MIL has kept the cards from the groom’s side.

I don’t see anything too wrong here tbh. Do you even know or associate with your DH’s extended family? Meanwhile they will have (or will in the future) give the same amount back for their children’s weddings.

It’s not to help pay for the wedding exactly, it’s just a circle of ‘cash flow’. If you did keep the money then really you should attend all the future upcoming weddings on your DHs side of the family and give the ‘gift’ in return. Would you really want to do that? Now you don’t have the responsibility to do that and won’t be expected to give a cash gift even if you do attend as your MIL will give it on behalf of all of you, even if you live separately.

I’m British Indian and I’m married into a traditional family 😀

Honestly why are you even on this site if you see no value in it? Hope Op's very civil explanation cleared it up for you.

I don't get these people who seem to be on MN just to say "why are you asking on MUMSNET?!"

Do this OP.

But send it to the recipients first so she can't try and stop you doing it if she got wind of it beforehand.