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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL kept our wedding gift money

228 replies

newmomaboutthreads · 09/02/2024 12:54

For context we are both British born Indians. My husbands family are much more traditional, can't speak english for example however I have been brought up in much more western environment. So this maybe cultural that I don't understand.

My MIL kept all the money that was given to us on our wedding.
A lot was cash placed in my lap and some given in cards. She has kept all that cash and the cards from my husbands family.
She gave me the cards from my husbands friends only (my mum had the cards from my friends & family and gave them all to me when we got back from honeymoon). But I know my husbands family gave us a lot but nothing else was given to us.

We would be talking thousands. We don't need the money but I just find it really weird.

Is this something cultural that I don't get?

OP posts:
Original poster
newmomaboutthreads · 09/02/2024 13:32

FeliciteFaff · 09/02/2024 13:20

Ok my bestie in Indian and, I’ve asked her this - she said traditionally the gift money is normally given to parents to support them for the wedding costs, but if it is handed to the bride it is hers and the grooms. Your mother in law has thieved your gift money. Stand up to her now and be prepared for the fall out. Try to do it in a nice way, and if she is resistant, tell her you paid for the wedding entirely on your own and she has no leg to stand on. If she fails to give you the money, leave it (any big problems can hurt your marriage) - remember to keep her far away from you for the rest of her life. I know the shit I would be pulling if someone did it to me.

Ah this is interesting. So my extended family gave the cards to my mum who naturally passed them on to me. His extended family must have given them direct to his mum and maybe she kept them to pay for a few of the pre wedding functions. 🤷🏽‍♀️ doesn't explain the cash put in my lap.
I would be seriously pissed off if I gave someone my hard earned money for someone else to pocketed it.

OP posts:
mindthespace · 09/02/2024 13:36

Who paid for the event that you received the money for? Definitely cultural to help the parents as so incredibly expensive.

Asian weddings are big affairs with money, Indian gold and expensive clothes all having to be paid for.

Mammma91 · 09/02/2024 13:36

I would ask outright too OP, it’s your money! I generally if giving money as a gift hand it directly to the recipient, either before or after the event just incase something like this happens! I hope you get it back.

mindthespace · 09/02/2024 13:37

Just to add the cash in the lap is normally donated to charity. That money isn't kept by anyone!

Original poster
newmomaboutthreads · 09/02/2024 13:38

I can't really ask her delicately or message her as we don't speak the same language.
So would need someone to translate for me. I can't imagine google translate doing it tentatively lol
Crickey I suspect I'm going to have a life time of this.

OP posts:
shearwater2 · 09/02/2024 13:40

Can't your husband speak the same language as his parents? Get him to ask.

Original poster
newmomaboutthreads · 09/02/2024 13:43

shearwater2 · 09/02/2024 13:40

Can't your husband speak the same language as his parents? Get him to ask.

Yes, ok I'll get him to ask from him (not me asking him to ask)

OP posts:
MiltonNorthern · 09/02/2024 13:47

Your husband needs to ask him. Is there an element of them being embarrassed that you paid for the wedding rather than them/their son?

Windydaysandwetnights · 09/02/2024 13:54

Contact the guests and tell them.. They can all contact the thief and get YOUR money returned..

Anjea · 09/02/2024 13:57

This is insane. Ask your DH to ask her, none of this I don't speak her language bullshit.

I'd have asked the day after.

Sceptre86 · 09/02/2024 13:59

Manniest · 09/02/2024 13:13

Why not ask Mumsnet just because they are British born Indians? People here ask all sorts of questions re family issues. You seem to be assuming there are no other British born Indians on Mumsnet, or that this is not the place to ask questions if you're from that background ... 🤔

Show quote history

It's a British site and posters have predominantly western views. This is a culture specific issue so I stand by asking people from it what there families do or have done. Even better I think the op should speak to her own husband about it in greater depth. As she paid for the wedding then yes I can see why she might want to raise it with the inlaws. Her dh might not want to though for the sake of family relations.

Manniest · 09/02/2024 13:59

Could you get your husband to translate this to send to her:
"John/Jane mentioned their gift to us in passing. I said that you were looking after it for now – am I correct that you are the one looking after all our cash gifts? Thank you, I really appreciate that. When would be a good time to collect them? "

buckeejit · 09/02/2024 14:00

Eek, how frustrating. Hope you get it sorted. Is your mil in need of money & why didn't your husband contribute to the wedding? If you're the higher earner, I'd be extra cautious going forward

Wingedharpy · 09/02/2024 14:02

How long have you been married @newmomaboutthreads ?
If it's a few weeks - get your husband on the case.
If it's 35 years - let it go😉!
Good luck.

Excited101 · 09/02/2024 14:02

“Hey MIL/DM x friend/relative was asking what we’re putting the money towards that they gave us, and I showed them the sofa we want to get… when can we get the money from you from our wedding- we’d like to order it”

Gloriosaford · 09/02/2024 14:03

She is banking on you being too subservient and embarrassed to confront her, if you let this go she will own you forever. Time to create proper boundaries and start as you mean to go on!

Wingedharpy · 09/02/2024 14:04

PS. Get a safe fitted in your home and lock up your valuables when she visits - carrying her very big handbag.

abesnt · 09/02/2024 14:06

Do you have your own home or children yet? Is it tradition for a parent to hold onto the money for that? Have your parents heard this happen with their parents?

Original poster
newmomaboutthreads · 09/02/2024 14:16

Wingedharpy · 09/02/2024 14:02

How long have you been married @newmomaboutthreads ?
If it's a few weeks - get your husband on the case.
If it's 35 years - let it go😉!
Good luck.

A year, I was just going through our wedding cards after our anniversary and it reminded me that half the cards are missing.

OP posts:
anothernameagain1 · 09/02/2024 14:20

British Indian here. Historically and traditionally a wedding was a big expense and you will notice that at all weddings gifts of money is given, usually handed to the mother ( of bride or groom depending whose side the guest is from). This helped pay for the wedding and when next wedding in the family came up, the same was done to that family member to help pay for that wedding.

You may also have noticed you MIL handing out envelopes to the gift givers. This is usually the same amount money coming back. I have often gifted £10/£20/£50 (depending on closeness) handed to mother, then get same amount back in an envelope from mother.

I have often discussed this with my own mother plus my sisters (away from wedding party and in chat about life in general way) but 'it is the done thing' and shows love and respect.

anyolddinosaur · 09/02/2024 14:21

In some Indian families yes - it's normal. However that is when they have paid for the wedding so it's seen as payment to help the parents with that. If you paid for the wedding and the cards were given to you the money should have been handed to you. I'm not British Indian, I was discussing customs with someone before attending an Indian wedding. Guests were given chocolates back.

houseydnc · 09/02/2024 14:31

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 09/02/2024 13:16

I'd just ask her where your money is and if it doesn't magically appear you'll need to contact the police.

This. Pish posh to cultural norms is theft 😂 what a weird thing to do.

houseydnc · 09/02/2024 14:33

Also it's your husbands job to ask. If he won't ask then divorce him because you'll have a lifetime of him not supporting you.

Men who won't stand up to their mothers when they should give me the ick.

Ohbequiet · 09/02/2024 14:37

This seems to be a cultural tradition amongst some families. It’s a type of ‘contract’, in the way that when a guest’s own family/ (son daughter), receives money on their own wedding, they tend to give the exact same back when it’s your turn. So the gift money tends to be a transaction amongst the adults in the family, rather than actually belonging to you. I think they feel like they are entitled to it, as often in some weddings are paid for by the parents/elders. Some people even had specific tables at the wedding with family members with pieces of paper noting down the amounts given. I remember this being a thing a long time ago, but I guess it still happens.

Weddings should be about gift giving and generosity, but unfortunately has turned into a ‘tit for tat’ business arrangement…

Drivingbuttercup · 09/02/2024 14:42

So im from the pakistani culture. Just asked mum this and it got us chatting about who keeps the money. Indian/pakistani weddings can be attended in the hundreds. DM said culturally a long time ago the money is usually given to the person who pays for the wedding, which is usually the parents. Who paid for costs on the grooms side. The way it worked back in the day (still does in some communities) was when somebody was having a wedding the community came together and gave small contributions towards the cost of the wedding, it is given on the wedding day as way to help out with costs (kind of like an investment). The mil has been contributing money to people at their weddings over many many years and will continue to do so. The money recieved at the wedding would technically go to her as she has been giving to family and friends in the past. Personal gifts mDe to you by the grooms friends has no part in this arrangement so she has given them to you.